clickmom

I know

Four school days down and 176 to go. It's gonna be a long (loooOOOoong) year. It wouldn't be so absolutely bad if those teachers could just lay off the homework, but that's not gonna happen. And also, it is totally unreasonable to start school earlier and earlier as the kids get older when their biology is telling them to sleep later and later. I try to wake up Matt and Evan quietly so they don't disturb Josh who can sleep an extra hour. So far Evan has fallen back to sleep twice after I left him sitting up with his feet on the floor with orders to get dressed. He has a 50% wake up rate. Like I said, it's going to be a long year.

I volunteered (agreed under pressure) to be the school photographer for Josh's school. I volunteered (willingly) to be Josh's homeroom parent. I volunteered (under pressure) to teach religious school to the second graders on Saturday mornings. WTF was I thinking? Can someone slap me upside the head and bring me to my senses ... please?

In some ways I am glad summer is over. Summer was hard, sad, trying, devastating. I can feel the shock wearing off and my regular (not deeply sad) self peeking through. Every day is a roller coaster ride. I'm up, and then I'm down, and then I am up again and then I'm down again. It's still hard when I have to see or speak someone that doesn't know what happened to my family. I can barely keep it together while I choke the words out of my mouth. And since I have only been on this death in the family side of the fence for a few months I am still painfully aware that until you are on this side of the fence you have no idea what it's like. A person can say all the nicest things in the world to me, but they just don't know. I wish I still didn't know.

Flower

At some point during the worst summer ever the air conditioning in my bedroom broke. The air conditioning in the rest of the house (3 zones) was fine, so the husband just slept in Evan's bed since the rest of us (as in ME) were in utopia tending to our octogenarian widower cancer victim father, while still mourning the death of our mother, and dealing with the impending death of our beloved grandmother and pretty much doing nothing at all.

So when I came home and the husband had to sleep in back in our actual bedroom, which used to be the attic (and hence the separate and necessarily so air conditioning zone) I figured the heat bothered the husband more than it bothered me so I wasn't going to go out of my way to fix it so fast either. Then that little heat wave hit and I second guessed the intelligence of that revenge plan. And last night it occurred to me that the ceiling fan was blowing air down into the room and that if we reversed the air flow the fan could suck cooler night air through the windows (or more hopefully air conditioning from the lower floors of the house) and be more effective in colling off the room. So the husband, following my command, reached up and flicked the switch reversing the fan.

Then around 4 in the morning I got a whiff of the unmistakable scent of Flower. and I considered looking out the window to see if I could spot the fun loving little critter but I was pretty damned sure by the sheer pungency of what I was smelling that chances were I spot Flower on the roof rack of my truck, mooning in the direction of my bedroom window while simultaneously shooting me the bird. I kept my head on the pillow and tried to sleep. Unsuccessfully. Flower had been undeniably close by.

And if you are a husband fan, you will rejoice in the fact that the ceiling fan in reverse does seem to pull in more night air through the windows. And the somewhat congested husband never smelled a thing.

beary manilow

Last week Matt asked if we were busy on Sunday. I said we weren't, which made him quite happy since he and klepto had worked out a plan which involved me dropping Matt off at a shopping mall that is about half way between our respective homes. So, I said Matt could indeed hang at the mall with klepto on Sunday. Except, in Matt's plan I brought him to the mall, he hopped out of the truck while it was still rollling and I magically re-appeared (probably while wearing a yet to be invented cloak of invisibility) when he was ready to be escorted home upon completion of his romantic rendezvous.

In my plans, the whole family packed into the car and gave klepto the once over both at drop off and at pick up. To make things even more humiliating, my plan included the 4 auxiliary family members wandering the same mall as Matt and klepto at the very same time and maybe even breathing the very same recycled mall air and also possibly sighting the two love birds as they flitted from one mall emporium to the next.

Evan had me cracking me up in the car on the way down. Thinking (plan ahead!) that Matt was going to be mortified when klepto realized that Matt was not hatched directly from an SUV and was instead an actual family member with parents and siblings (a liability) I turned to explain to the liabilities that if they said anything at all to klepto it should be "Nice to meet you" OR "Hi, I'm Evan!" But Evan had his own ideas, and in his best Martin Lawrence does Big Mama voice Evan kept saying over and over "Hey klepto! Looookin' GooOOOOoood!" and I couldn't stop laughing but Matt was laughing too and even though Matt claimed that he did not prepare klepto for meeting our very special little Evan he said that he would not, as I feared, actually die from the embarrassment if those words did leave Evan's mouth.

But we were late for the movie we wanted see so we ditched Matt hoping he could find klepto on his own, and didn't see him until four hours later. Once Matt turned the corner with klepto I knew I had nothing to worry about, because there before me stood perhaps one of maybe four existing in the garden state 17 year old girls who are actually more innocent and as inexperienced as 15 year old Matt. Also, when he kissed her goodbye he kind of missed her cheek and half air kissed and half hair kissed her. I'm not proud, just relieved.

What did Matt and klepto do for the 4 hours? Well, in addition to the disney store (where she bought a giant stuffed Eeyore) and the pet store (where she bought two finches in a cage) they went to the build a bear workshop where they built their very own child-bear. They gave him two hearts. (Aaawwww!) They gave him over-alls and and air bath. They adopted him together and plan on sharing custody. Matt took the first turn. When Evan took Beary Manilow (No, Matt does not really know who his adopted son is named after!!) out of his comfy little cardboard box in the car and Matt reprimanded Evan and Evan came back with "But Matt! I'm his uncle!" God, I loved Evan today.

soaring

Just so you know, I rolled over at 3AM last night and the tv was on again!! This time I did not see the white flash, just the purple screen. Am completely thrilled (if not kinda tired) by thought that grandma is around. Doubt if you must (like the husband) but since it makes me happy, you are not going to change my mind.

I'll have to make this quick, since Hanna is beating down on us, and electricity might be short lived....

Did two amazingly wonderful things today, first, I took the boys to a short film screening and learned all about timed film contests that Matt could participate in. Second I attended a group show photography opening and found out about a photo group that meets once a month just 15 minutes from my house, and I am so totally joining up. I can feel my creativity beginning to move again.

So, here, enjoy..... It's the view from my dock in utopia.

she's baaaaack!

This morning I woke up suddenly at 5 AM. At first I thought I saw Josh or Evan run through my room, but then I realized that there were no foot step sounds. And if you know my kids, they don't walk without shaking the whole room, let alone run across my shoddily built addition of a bedroom with out rattling the windows. The alarm hadn't gone off yet, so I shrugged it off, figured I had another hour to sleep and hoped I'd be able to doze off again. Which I did. But then about 45 minutes later I saw a flash of light through my closed eyes, opened up my eyes in time to see the television screen bright white and then fade to dark purple. The screen was solid purple and the tv had the buzz of a tv that has power. I looked down at my night stand, saw the remote sitting there untouched and picked it up. I pointed the remote towards the tv and pressed power. The tv turned off. I just knew it was a ghost.

I relayed the story to lil sis later in the day after confidently announcing "Grandma is haunting me!" and lil sis asked me how I knew it was grandma and why it couldn't have been mom. I told her that I had asked myself that same question but when I wondered who was more likely to play tricks on me, I had figured it reeked of grandma. Lil sis said "You're right."

While out running errands, I did stop in the hardware store for a lock for Matt's locker. I told the story of the tv flashing itself on to the hardware guy and he just kind of stared at me. He asked me a few questions and was genuinely concerned that I had an electrically malfunctioning appliance at the foot of my bed. Then I told him not to worry because I had lost two close family members this summer and I was quite sure it was one of them playing tricks on me.

But just to err on the side of caution, I will snuggling up to a new guy tonight. Meet my new bed buddy! I'd like you to meet Tony.....

ANd because I promised you this, here is the first day of school photos that I took right after I asked each kid "So, how do you feel about going back to school?" Matt feels dead inside, which made it impossible for him to brush his hair:

Evan is secretly happy, but pretending to give me the response he thinks I want from him:

And Josh, who is anxious to reunite with his buddies, is taking it all in stride just like he always does.

first day

Today was the first day of school for the boys. I dropped Matt off in the car at 7:25. The husband drove off with Evan at 7:35 and then Josh and I took a leisurely stroll over to his school around 8 something. Seeing all the moms and dads that I often stand around and chat with after not seeing them all summer was a bad bad thing. Every time some tan and relaxed parent asked "How was your summer?" I got all choked up and had to turn and wave them away.

It was really pretty pathetic.

I took some pics because I am the publicity volunteer for Josh's school and then the kids started to file in. SOme of the other moms were all teary and clutching their hearts so I looked around for someone with my mind set and I spotted a friendly mom of four. I quietly began to sing "It's the most wonderful time of the year..." and the two of us laughed as we strode from the school with a lilt to our steps and 6 1/2 free hours of pure mommy time before us.

I came home and I walked the dog, bathed the dog (because after a summer of jumping in and out of the lake P freaking U), threw in a load of laundry, did the dishes from last night's dinner and this morning's breakfast, and started to tackle one of the many many piles of clutter that are currently concealing the fact that I actually do have a kitchen in that part of the house.

And then it was time to pick up the kids! Except, I did walk the dog with Wildmom and manage to chat with B on the phone for almost an hour while de-piling the kitchen, so it wasn't a total bust.

Tomorrow I see the good doc at 8 so he can run some tests and see why my boob still hurts. (I'm afraid that if I tell him about the rest of my laundry list of right side pains he will hospitalize me. But I wrote them all down, so I will tell) Except now I am entering the not at all awesome world's longest pre-menstrual zone and the boobs are beginning their monthly massive fluid fueled all natural temporary augmentation so they hurt anyway. (It occurs to me that I might get some unwanted search engine hits after that last sentence.)

drink up

Yeah baby! The mammogram came back NEGATIVE! Woo Hoo! Because, goodness me, I spent the past week trying to figure out how I was going to break more bad news to dad. Whew. The boob still hurts so I have to go for a sonogram, and if they scan the boob and find a fetus with a heart beat, that would totally explain a thing or two about the size of my girls, but honestly, I feel like what ever they find can not be scarier than cancer, so I am breathing for the first time (again) in two weeks.

Not even the stench of rancid garden state tap water can spoil this kind relief. Oh man!

So, on our last day in utopia Evan and the husband (snicker) wanted to go wakeboarding. Evan=accomplished wakeboarder/ the husband=wish he could just manage to stand up on the wakeboard. Because it was quite windy that day and everyone was out on the water (for the last summer day, sob sob) the conditions were quite challenging. Evan was becoming frustrated (understatement) with the husband's lack of (in Evan's opinion only) boat driving skillz so we picked up jailbait (sigh) so he could drive Evan around. And he did and it was all good. And then the husband decided to give wakeboarding a try and he ... welll, he tried about a dozen times before he gave up. And I, dutiful wife and sadistic bitch, was making the video! Once the husband dragged his torso onto the boat platform I was informed that the husband has difficulty excising his feet from the wakeboard boots. Jailbait hopped over to help the (flailing) husband and since I was narrating my video I whispered "Jailbait is attempting to help the husband" and Evan, who hears everything, turned around and yelled "Hey -real name-! My mom calls you jailbait!!" And ~ahem~ I felt like the dirtiest old lady alive ever.

Until today when Boops called me and tells me of yet another younger than she is guy hitting on her. And people, I was so jealous. Yup, I was seeing green. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to do anything with some young hot studly kid who has no idea I am old enough to be his mother, I just want him to hit on me too. Preferably a dark smolderingly exotic type. And really, he could totally be acting, as long as he kept up a straight face and didn't start laughing until he was all by himself at the bank cashing the check that someone is going to have to write him to pull this off. Jealous......

Knowing that it isn't going to happen is almost as disappointing as when I came home today and saw a big box from my favorite photo equipment source sitting on my front porch and it turned out not to be a surprise from the husband but the yearly catalog of everything under the sun a girl like me could buy to fill the void of not ever being hit on again in her life, unlike her cute as a button hottie single friend with the perky boobs and the normal waist line who could do something with my tall dark handsome exotic heavily accented and freshly bathed fantasy younger man becuase she is blissfully (sleeping through the night because NO SNORING) single.

Sigh.

Hey, my mammogram came back negative! Can someone get me a glass of tap water, please?

I say he says

The way I remember it: I begged my folks not to make me go to college straight from HS because I told them I wasn't mature enough or something. I just knew I wasn't "ready." They made me go. I partied hard (understatement) for a year and came home (after partying all summer to make up for some previous F's) with a GPA that was something like .01 above failing out and told them I had proved my point (immature) and I wasn't going back to school. It was the very first time I had ever stood up for myself to my parents (or probably any else for that matter).

The way dad recalls it: He and my mom "dragged me home by my hair" because I was so out of control.

PPPFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTT!!
Hahahahahahahahhahahaha!!

Time sure does funny things to an old guys memory!

P.S. A year later I went back to school, all grown up and "ready". I aced all my classes (except the semester I had mono) and eventually I even got a master's degree.

tooth salve

I was totally one of those sobbing crying weirdos in the airport today.

Because dad flew out of a tiny little airport I got to watch him (and coach him) go all the way through the x-rays machines and into the waiting area. It is clear to me that mom not only took care of everything, but also that she never bothered to discuss the details with dad. The 3 ounce bottle in a quart sized bag for your carry on thing... Dad finds it incomprehensible. Dad also did not want to classify his poligrip as a liquid since it came in a tube. Dad hopefully came up with a handful of names for the poligrip which would not inspire one to conjure up liquidy images. My favorite was "tooth salve". Also, who goes to the airport with $5 worth of coins in his pockets? Also, trying to get dad to remove the laptop (which he does not know to work) from his carry on and put it in the gray plastic bin? Hahahaha. I love my dad.

The crying part came into play when I had to remind dad to get someone to help him put his suitcase in the overhead bin, and then when he gotten too far for me to call to him I prayed that some kind samaritan would help dad haul his carry on case off of the x-ray machine platform. And when no one did help dad my heart caught in my mouth because I thought he was going over trying to get the suitcase down. Then dad gave one more look back towards where I had been, but I had moved closer, and he didn't see me. I tried to pound on the glass separating us, because I wanted him to know that I hadn't walked away yet, but he didn't hear me. I watched dad put his goofy yellow baseball cap (because he was wearing his different colored yellow cardigan) back on his head, pocket his cell phone, shake the 2 pounds of change from inside his loafer back into his dropping pants pocket, slide into the loafers, reinsert the laptop into his bag and do the old guy shuffle, head down and too big pants dragging under his heels towards the gate.

He never looked so sad, alone or so small before.

they are wearing chunky this year

Lil sis came over today and we went upstairs to divvy up some of mom's costume jewelry. When we left the kitchen grandma's candle (which made it through the night) was looking very low and when we came down an hour and a half later grandma's candle was out. So it's finally out. Now I have to throw it away.

I want to tell you about today, but I am too exhausted and sad. Dad is going home tomorrow and I don't want him to leave.