clickmom

back on the horse, saddle sores and all

I made the decision to get back into some kind of physical fitness program and I have. This week, I re-entered the world of the gym in a big way. Right now my upper body is so sore that I am unable to unhook my own bra. Good thing I have an enthusiastic helper handy.

On Tuesday, when the hell of the vacation with Jackie was about to be over (I was a mere hour from seeing Dr. Good), I was at the Y for Josh's sports and games class. I hopped onto the arc trainer for 22 minutes, Jackie and all, and that was tough. Man, that arc trainer is a beast! On Wednesday I met with the new trainer, who is a woman for a change. I think I am going to like her, not because she is a woman but because she is willing to tell me what to do every day for exercise and right now I need someone bossy like that. Also, she is a very clean eater, and she is nudging me towards healthier eating too. I need that kind of nudging in my life. I am trying to decide on a blog name for her and need something that portrays her utter perkiness and cheerleader chipper attitude. Hmmm... Maybe Bubbles after Bubbles of Powerpuff Girl fame. The name fits more than the personality profile of the actual Bubbles does, but I can't see calling her Blossom. So , Bubbles it is.

I met with Bubbles on Wednesday and I was determined to have a good workout and I most definitely did not want to admit that in the over two months of total inactivity I had lost any strength. I may have (okay, the truth is I totally showed off like a man) pushed myself a bit, cause , ooow, the soreness factor. While Bubbles didn't make me kill my quads, they are merely tender sore, which is nice since I do live in a home with stairs and do find myself having to run up and down those stairs way more than any organized person would, the inner thighs, triceps and pecs though, Ooow, more.

On Thursday I managed to squeeze in a trip to the posh gym for 30 minutes of eliptical, and then today, since I must have been having some delusions of grandeur or something, (or maybe I was just channeling some kind of Glory attitude, because this would have been a slow day for her) I swam for 30 minutes during Josh's swim class at the Y and later went to the posh gym for 30 minutes of eliptical followed by a close approximation of the workout Bubbles gave me on Wednesday.

God lord, I can not tell you how tired I am. Have I mentioned the steam roller that passed over me today?

I am not used to this people, although I have to say, it is great to be back. Now I have to focus on the bad diet I have managed to work my back into. Why must I be so black and white about everything? I have to get off all the junk AGAIN, but I'll do it. I am trying to channel all this annoyance at myself into some more positive energy, not an easy thing to do right now. I wish I had someone who could just slap the back of my head before I did stupid things, like eat a pint of ice cream.

I was doing the squats part of Bubbles workout today using a bar with 40 pounds on it, and caught a glimpse of my profile in the mirror. Before I realized it was me I was seeing, I noted some grace hiding under the fat of the women I thought was the other fat chick doing the squats. I need to uncover that girl, she is who I think I am , which is why mirrors and photographs are always so shocking. I am going to find her, I knew her once and it is time for her to come back.

vacation finale

It's the last day of the kids vacation, all three of them have this extraordinary boogery cold and cough, and it is pouring rain out there. It's a good thing we were so busy the first half of the vacation, otherwise, they would have been home bound for the entire 10 days. At this point I am not even 100% sure I am sending Josh back in to school tomorrow, he did have a 10 minute coughing jag upon waking that was something I could have lived with out. Now I know why my freaky mother used to say "I feel your pain."

I am sad, frustrated and down right depressed to tell you that just when I thought Jackie was losing strength she was just hiding in the corner lifting weights. I first noticed some swelling yesterday afternoon and then found myself running full speed to the useless pain killers in the medicine cabinet by the time to order dinner came around. (Uh, I can't cook and paint a mural at the same time) Jackie seized up all evening, during my New Years Eve showing of The Last Kiss, (And by the way, I would have totally kicked Zach Braff to the curb for even thinking of talking to that ho) She made it impossible for me to enjoy the formidably priced champagne that the husband brought home. sigh.

Jackie has become my Glenn Close (in Fatal Attraction.) I had one brief fling with the oral surgeon, it lasted less than an hour, and now Jackie just will not take no for an answer. She is disrupting my life, threatening my marriage (read: no nooky) and even taking my kids for a roller coaster ride (one could say I have been up and down with them the past two weeks). I keep looking around, like she is going to come out of no where wielding a knife (or knitting needle) and threatening my existence. Really I wanted to get tipsy and lucky to ring in the New Year, neither of which seemed in the least appealing while clutching a hot microwaved herbal heat wrap to my throbbing mouth while rocking back and forth crying real tears of defeat and surrender. If I could give up I would, but what can I do? Have my face removed? Who will be my Anne Archer? I'd take the world's longest bath if I thought I could drown the bitch. I wonder if I ask the regular doctor of there is some kind of injection that can paralyze a nerve temporarily. I could botox my face, and then talk like I just left the dentist for 6 months. Imagine what a sight to behold I would be if I couldn't lift my eye brows or move the right side of my mouth? How attractive would that be?

I never make New Year's resolutions, but this year I am going to make two. As if I weren't typical enough, the first resolution is to undertake what ever exercise program the new trainer I am testing out at the posh club says I should. She is planning on setting me up with a whole schedule, and I am determined to stick with it. She has never had a weight problem (except for baby weight that she immediately shed after birth-I don't count easily lost pregnancy weight as legitimate, no matter how hard your skinny ass is trying to sympathize with me) but knows what to do to avoid a weight problem. She claims to have two fat sisters and fat potential herself. I don't see that in her, but am willing to do what she says anyway.

I wanted to run in the triathlon last year, and I didn't, but now I want to run in it even more. Every time I see a woman running down the street I seethe with jealousy and want to be able to do what she can do. If I run instead of mostly walk this year, I'll cut 10 more minutes off of my time, and then my time would be completely awesome. I might have to get this trainer to work with me several times a week to start out, but I can do that. This is going to be the winter I get stronger than ever.

The other one of my run of the mill resolutions is going back on a diet, except, Dr. Phil said I have to be specific, so the diet I am going to do is going to follow is the FAA diet. I can recite it in my sleep, now I just have to follow it when I am awake. One big difference is that this time I am going to actually measure my food. I even have plans to buy a food scale until I get the feel for normal portions. It is low carb, high protein, and has worked for me in the past. I might even consider attending the FAA meetings. The stupid thing that turned me off to the meetings was one woman who said the same thing every week. Every single week without exception ever she said "I had a terrible week, I wasn't gonna come, but now I am glad I am here." and I waited for this woman to have a good week, or even a fair week, or any week that wasn't terrible, but it never happened even once, and I wanted to slap her in the face. I guess I am just not programmed to think that way. Maybe she moved.

The kids go back to school tomorrow, and no one is less happy about it than I am. The last thing I want to do tomorrow is wake up early to prepare their food and drag their whining butts out of bed. Bah.

blue

I am sitting around feeling pretty annoyed with myself tonight. I have gained back a lot of the weight I lost. Last June, I began the whole binge eating cycle again and now I have out grown all the new clothes I exercised and dieted so hard to be small enough to fit into last winter. Lately I have been barely squeezing into the two pairs of jeans I comfortably wore all last spring. They are so tight that I have to lie down to zip in the morning before they stretch out, and they look like skinny jeans, except you kind of have to be skinny to wear skinny jeans, and also hopefully less than 20ish, and not a fat middle aged housewife from the suburbs. My jeans are tight all the way down to the knees. It isn't working for me. Also, when the bottom jelly roll is squeezed so tight there is a movement of mass upwards, causing my top jelly roll to spill out over the waistband of the too tight jeans, it isn't pretty. And all my new not tent like shirts are not the shirts one would wear for masking the belly bulge. It was all to much to take, so today I dragged myself to the store and bought some black jeans in a size up and also some black belly masking sweaters. I'll be doing a Wayne Newton imitation every day for a while. I wish black clothes could make me invisible.

I did finally make it back to the gym on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I thought I'd be proud to tell you that I climbed onto the arc trainer and got my heart rate up to the numbers where the physical trainer said I should get it, but then today the chiro told me that it was too high for me and I would be in an "anaerobic" state and I should take it down a notch to an aerobic (fat burning) state. Frustrating. I don't know what to think. I mean, hey, if I am going to exercise I want to do it right. Now I have no idea what right is. I went back to pilates on Wednesday, except my regular instructor got someone else for my time slot in the two months I wasn't there so I had to work with a new instructor. I think I might like the new instructor even better than the old one, she had me working harder and didn't make me watch her demonstrate the moves as much. I am happy to say that I didn't lose all my pilates gains in the last two months of inactivity. I was nervous about that.

Part of me looks at this long journey back to health I have a head of me and wants to crawl into a hole and disappear. Part of me wants to jump up this second and take control of my life, and yet another part of me wants to just keep on pretending that everything is status quo and keep procrastinating forever, like I have already been doing for so long, and assure myself I'll do it in the New Year, or later, or Monday, or after what ever is around the next corner. Today I feel overwhelmed and I feel like giving up.

soothing thoughts on diet and triathlons

What I did this week to prepare for the triathlon:

Monday: treadmill for 1.5 miles, pilates (pilates doesn't count, but I can touch my toes for the first time in a long while woo hoo!)
Tuesday: 4 mile high speed walk with the devil dog
Wednesday: 3 miles on the treadmill, pilates

What I haven't done this week to prepare for the triathlon:

Swim
Bike
Run

Do we see a pattern here? Yes we do. A pattern that says over the winter I got very comfortable doing laps in the swampy Y pool and I really love the 15 mile loop around the real swamp I ride at home. Tomorrow I am going to swim and bike. I have made a promise to myself. I did have a break through in swimming. I figured out how to breathe better. I did swim just a little today, but Josh was with me and well, you can guess how impossible that would be.

Actually, on Tuesday, as I was walking along, I was talking to myself, and I realized a few things. I realized that whenever I say "I can lose XX pounds by XX day." I never do. So, I started to think about it and I realized that in order to keep myself eating well and motivated I need to focus on the present day and not even think about the future. It's all a very 12 step, one day at a time attitude. And this day by day attitude is what has kept me successful every other time I took control of my eating, and I think it can help me regain control now. As I gazed at everything I couldn't eat yesterday, I just told myself "Not today." Today I did the same thing todayand it just didn't seem so overwhelming. "Not today" seems so much more doable than "Never again".

Another thing that occurred to me during this walk was that last summer when I was doing so well, and food was barely an issue, I did little things to make myself feel good. Like using moisturizer on my legs and arms after a shower. Then I realized that this little tender gesture comes in and out of my life. When I am moisturizing I am in control. When I am dry and flaky I am spinning in the wrong direction. When I got out of the shower this afternoon-you know what comes next- I moisturized.

And about the running: It ain't going to happen. I thought that it would be so nice to run and be faster and not have to walk like the out of shape participants, but truthfully, I don't think I can run while this heavy. I think my ankles and knees are just waiting to self-destruct and I can't let that happen before the tri. I will just walk, my skinny babe Kitten is walking and that makes me feel better. I will concentrate on taking fast long strides instead of running. OK, maybe I'll run for a minute or two here and there during the tri, just for giggles, but I won't be running the whole thing. I'm good with that.

Like last year, I am doing the tri just to cross that finish line. I'm not trying to beat anyone or even myself. I know I am healthier and stronger than I was a year ago, and if I am faster, that is nice, but not necessary.

bad tires, good jeans, new diet

I went to a spin class this morning and had every intention of doing that and then running on the treadmil to fufill my couch to 5k training. I had to stop doing the spin class though because I have this weird sharp pain in the back of my ankle that I first noticed last Monday while attempting to run a little, and only notice while running and now spinning. (I didn't notice it on my bike yesterday because I don't stand on my bike like I do in spin class) I did 30 minutes of spin and then some of what I could remember from pilates mat class up at the island. It wasn't the same without the instructors soothing voice and hypnotic counting. I did do a fair amount though, at least I kept on sweating so I knew some part of me was still working.

That was my less than stellar workout for the day. Tomorrow I will go to pilates in the AM and then to see my grandma for the day. In the evening I'll go to my regular chiropractor. Hopefuly he will tell me the ankle is nothing serious. Then I'll come home and jump on the treadmil in our house. Did I mention that I managed to blow out a tire on the trip back here from the island? So if I want to go for a ride I'll have to stop at the bike store first. I don't need this!! I was hoping that my legs and my equipment would hold together long enough to get me through the triathlon. I feel like once things start falling apart it could all become a slippery slope. I am very worried.

On a more positive note, I went to the mall with one of my babes to get a gift for B, who is turning 40 this week. Happy Birthday B!! What a special birthday it is. Whew- after all that B went through this past year with all 3 surgeries. What a trooper, let me tell you people, if you ever get sick, get some tips from B, that woman can handle herself. We got B a little something, and then I stopped by a store to see if I could get something new to wear to B's party. The pants are size 14 (women's). Now, I know companies are making sizes bigger because we American's want to wear a smaller number no matter what we weigh, but, um, come on! I wore a size 14 when I weighed 50 pounds less than I do today, before I had kids. If I ever get my weight down that low again I might just wear a size 2!! HAHAHAHA. I can't wait. Well, I have to admit that these size 14's are very much the form fitting pants, so I will be using the knowledge that I will have to not only wear them but keep them closed at the waist for an entire evening on Friday, to motivate me into closing the door on this month long candy binge, during which I didn't gain as much weight as I feared (okay, time for honesty- I gained 10 pounds) but more clearly I gained than enough.

Goodbye carbs (again) (and hopefully belly fat). I am making an effort to be honest here no matter how I do. I haven't eaten a thing since trying on the painted on jeans. Tomorrow- hello protein, hello veggies.

triathlon countdown-getting real. Whoopy.

Feeling pathetic today.

According to the Danskin website there are 55 days left until race day.

That's one day less than 8 weeks.

Yup, 7 weeks, 6 days left, and I just don't feel what I felt last year.

Thrill of the challenge? Nope. Passion for training? Nope. Desire for change? Fear? Nope.

Maybe it is my hormones talking here, because I am in the throws of a nasty PMS (Don't look at me! Don't touch me! Why are you smiling???), or maybe it is my crappy eating for THE LAST MONTH, yes, the last month. I got on that boat in Alaska, took one look at all the baskets of candy and threw in the towel. I haven't been able to get back in the saddle for more than a couple of days straight. Shame on me, I only tell you how I am doing when I am doing great. When I am a mess, I just leave that part out. Yup, folks, clickmom is a dietary mess. It's binge, binge, binge here. I am afraid to know how much I have gained over the past month, and am sure the news is bad, very bad. I do not have a scale up here at the island, so I can't say for sure, but all my new crisp shorts are folded nicely in the drawer while the two pair of cheap stretchy elastic all cotton Old Navy comfy shorts- they see action every day. Evan said my legs are getting fat, which is weird, cause I would have pegged chins and stomach first, but well, I asked him so I guess I can't argue with the answer.

Another triathlon related happening that is zapping my enthusiasm is that Peanut has rallied a huge chunk of our town into doing this tri, and there are so many folks doing it that it doesn't feel special and private and all about our babes anymore. It was such a nice cozy group thing last year and now it is all organized- stepford wife -type A personality- over zealots- thing. I dunno. I guess I just liked the small private component of it. sigh. bah hum bug.

One thing I really really wanted to do this time around was to run instead of walk the triathlon. I am reading this book, which I so wish I had last year before my first triathlon, and the author (How much do I love anyone who would seemingly title a book after me?) recommended a web site. I am going to do this program which should get me at least able to run close to the entire 5k distance (if my legs/knees/ankles hold out) in 7 weeks and 6 days. I am starting tomorrow. I tried to do some running a couple of times, but I don't know what I am doing and without the guidelines I just give up. I need a program, not just a goal. I am wondering if running on a treadmil at the gym counts as much as running outside. I prefer the anonymity of the gym workout. But, I think I'll just do it outside because that is where the tri is. I wish I could be invisible when running. Today my massive bosom was stared at by a young driver. The PMS kicked in and I got runners rage over it. Couldn't do anything though, in the game of car vs me, car wins so I just plodded onwards.

My new training schedule for the rest of the summer is going to look like this:

Mon, Wed & Fri: Running followed by pilates. (Technically the pilates is obviously not necessary for a triathlon, but i really want to be able to do sit ups with grace and style)
Tues & Thursdays: Swimming and biking.
Sat: choice. Sunday- relax.

Today I ran/walked and did pilates, but my head wasn't into it and I was lazy. I only stayed on the treadmil for 1 1/2 miles, and was lazy in Pilates class. Like I said: attitude in need of adjustment.

Eventually I'll have to start fooling around with the bricking (doing two sports back to back to simulate the actual triathlon) but for right now, I just need to up the training output. The tough bricking is going from the bike to the run. It is a whole different set of leg muscles in use and it feels so wierd to switch. Maybe I'll even do another fake tri here in mid August. The one I did last year was so exciting. I need to boost my enthusiasm some how. I wonder if I can get a babe to do it with me. Hmmm...

I can't decide if I should straight swim or use the paddles, which make it harder, that is good for building muscle, but the paddles move me faster too, so I can do the entire length in less time. I think as a compromise I'll use the paddles, but swim farther so that I am swimming for the amount of time I'll be swimming for during the triathlon. Then I will hopefully have plenty of energy left after the swim at the triathlon.

I promised the kids a campfire and some s'mores tonight, so I guess I'll drag my fat butt down to the fire pit and get things
started. inhale. exhale.

South Beach day 16-or day 2 phase two

Well, Jen (Thank you Jen!) noticed that I kind of overlooked yesterday being Weigh Day. Yeah, I did that on purpose because well, see there was a bag of cashews on the counter all week, and suddenly the fridge was filled with cheese that SOMEBODY had to eat, and then I had that frustrating dinner, and I found my old emotional standby ice cream in the freezer, and well, my total weight loss for week two was, um, 0. Bringing my total weight loss for all 14 days of South Beach hell... still consistant at 5 maybe 6 pounds. The good news is that I see clearly the err of my ways and am now acutely aware of all the high fat snacking I seem to manage and well, I am still eating everything on the diet (And if you should try this diet I advise you to skip the turkey meatloaf on day 2 of phase two. Ick.) well everything on the diet and a little more. Somehow though, I can lose inches without losing a pound, and the jeans I rediscovered last week have a bit more room in them today than they did last week. Weird Huh? I even washed them between wearings so it isn't that they are all stretched out. Must be all the exercise, but eventually, I know the poundage has to go. My pilates instructor guessed that I had lost 20 pounds since I started with her and I had to tell her that I hadn't lost a thing. Weird again.

Eating fruit was wonderful, even better than the ice cream. I just have to get in the right frame of mind again and follow the diet to the letter. I know if I did I would be successful.

South Beach Day 12

Enthusiasm=0

Fish for dinner.

i . can't . do . it.

Want fruit.

Any fruit.

All fruit.

~sob~, 2 more days.

South Beach Day 10

I could go broke buying steak for the family on this diet.

There is one thing that is getting to me today, it is the aspara-pee. I can handle the asparagus, but the aspara-pee is too much, especially when I have to wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom because this diet makes it impossible to retain water. One whiff of that odiferous liquid and I am up. Not a good thing at 3AM.

Also, I have cheated. The earth did not come screeching to a halt, but I feel guilty. Don't laugh when I tell what I have cheated on. First I bought some sugarless gum, this is serious, I could be a 2 or three packer a day, a value pack that is. Once I get started on the stuff I just can't stop. Now I have to go cold turkey on the gum tomorrow. Yesterday I had a couple of handfuls of raw cashews. Not yum, which is why I probably didn't eat the whole bag. Today I had some -gasp- string cheese. And not the 1 ounce portion they let you have for a snack, I had some serious string cheese. I also absent mindedly picked a huckle berry off the huckle berry tree and popped it into my mouth. I know, I know I am going to hell, fat hell, where I will stay forever. Tomorrow I am going on the straight and narrow. Tomorrow I am following by the letter, I will, I know I can.

South Beach Day 7

I felt really crappy last night, I went to bed early with thermal underwear on and woke up an hour later with freezing toes, and an hour after that with freezing toes again. I wondered why I was so cold and hoped I wasn't going to wake up with a fever.

I wanted to go bike riding with a couple of babes this morning and left the house with every intention to do so. I wasn't awake enough to evaluate how I felt before I actually left the house. I even got to our meeting spot early and rode for a couple of miles to warm up for our ride, since I find that after a couple of miles it all gets warmer and easier for me. It was not meant to be. I still felt crappy, and once on the road I was lagging far behind them, and didn't have the energy to give myself a little push. (If only the spin teacher could be stitting on my shoulder shouting at me I am sure I could go much faster) So, after a couple of miles with them, I quit and u-turned for home. I was glad they had each other, I was getting hung up on slowing them down, and I was freaking out because our usual route is being paved and I am really bad at trying new things, especially when I wasn't feeling well and beginning to obsess about hills that I am not familiar with blah blah blah, I only biked 6 miles instead of 15.

I entered the kitchen to prepare breakfast and today's breakfast was a freaking frittatta. Give me a break, I am making breakfast for 5 picky eaters with assorted food allergies, there is no way I am making a freaking frittatta just for myself. So I took care of everyone else, used the frittatta ingredients and made scrambled eggs with them. Jeez, do those diet people want me to live in the kitchen or what? I mean it is day 7, which I am quite sure is a Sunday in 99% of dieters households since every one knows the diet starts on Monday, so we should all spend half the weekend preparing extra torturous laborious meals for ourselves? I don't think so.

Now I feel guilty cause when one of my babes said she told her husband she couldn't take all the chopping and food preparation to prepare this diet's food for him, I suggested that maybe she didn't like cooking. Now I am ready to stab the author. Who has all these fresh herbs lying around the kitchen? And sundried tomaatoes? And vegetables, if I ate all these vegetables to begin with I never could have gotten so fat, cause there isn't room for anything else.

After breakfast I grabbed the kids and headed to the city to visit my grandma. We had the usual visit, out to lunch and a quicky in the playground, and came home. I could barely keep my eyes open on the way home and had to do things like slap my own cheeks and make my left leg tap out the beat to the song on the radio. I passed out on the couch as soon as we got home. Then I had to go to the Rabbi's son's Welcome Home party, he has returned after spending a year in Israel. (No booze there) We got home at 7:30 and I had to make my own dinner since she wasn't serving london broil with 4 kinds of vegetables. Imagine that.

I did have an electrolyte drink on the way over to the party and felt better for a while, so I am thinking that maybe I need more. Or maybe it was the nap. It could be possible that I am having some kind of electrolyte imbalance/dehydration cause this diet is making me pee my brains out. I can't even make it through the night when I limit evening liquids! I'll get more sports drink tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, tomorrow is weigh day and I have my fingers crossed for a big rewarding inspiring number. Go me, a ha, go me! We'll have to see! (I know it can't be too bad because of my little sneak peek, so it's all about if I lost 1 or 2 more pounds the last 2 days tee hee) Tune in for THE NUMBER tomorrow.