clickmom

command

I talk to myself. All the time. Pretty much non stop. As a matter of fact, when I am not singing out loud in the car, I am often engaging in a lively chat with (pause for effect) myself. But these days I can wear a head phone and people peering through my wind shield will think I am connected via cell phone to another person. I like it that way. This way I agree with most of my own suggestions, am nearly always supportive, and know when to shut up too.

Sometimes I catch myself doing the talking aloud thing with the kids nearby and I pretend that my chatter was directed towards whoever happened to be in the room, but the truth is that I mostly do not expect an answer. So, you might wonder where I am going with this, the other day when I happened upon Josh's corrected spelling homework I did not like the comment that his teacher wrote on the top of the page.

And I actually (yes, I am brain dead) forgot that the husband was sitting at the table with me. And I said something like, "In my day "Spin me." and "Slap me." were considered complete sentences. It used to be called a command before they changed everything to confuse the parents." And I said it with the bad girl a.t.t.i.t.u.d.e. that I save for private conversations with myself. And I was pretty shocked/surprised to hear A VOICE (hello husband) present me with a suggestion. I now present to you, dear readers, the corrected with the suggestion version of Josh's more complete spelling sentences. Ta da..

PS Come on folks, I know you are out there, I checked my stats. Scroll down to yesterday's post and play along! The new game can be called "Top Jen's suggestion!" Please...

guess

me: Evan you have to change from the raunchy stand up comedy channel on the satellite radio before your friend gets in the car. His mom is strict. He doesn't even get to see PG13 movies.

Evan: N.O. W.A.Y.

me: Yup, it is true. She feels very strongly about that and I don't want us to be the bad influence. (Naturally I forgot that we might have let him see an R rated movie once at our house -whistle - whistle - look casual and gaze off into space)

Evan: Wait. Is that even HEALTHY?

Speaking of satellite radio, they have ads!! Ads which I find incredibly disappointing (aren't I paying for ad free radio?) and annoying and most of all. Those ads are giving me quite the complex. It seems that the target audience for satellite radio has bad credit, can't get their penises up, have tiny penises anyway and isn't good in bed anyway, has excess weight around the middle (wait, that is me....) and something like spackle in their intestines (oh no!), can't bother traveling to a business meeting, can't do their own taxes, or manage their money, actually believe that they can make money selling goods over the internet that they never have to see, and live in fear of becoming an identity theft victim. How could someone (who is hopefully spackle-less) such as myself, my meetingless, penisless, not interested in sales, set with an accountant, and secure in my own identity stand listening to these ads? I can't. Someone tell XM they aren't sticking to their part of the bargain and folks like me (cause you all feel the same, right?) are thinking of jumping ship. At least when I listen to lame ads on FM it's free.

PS You know up there in the header it suggests that I have been lying by omission and you guys are all probably wondering if that could be true. Could it all actually be worse than what I have been telling you? Doesn't seem it could get worse right? Can one family take another hit? I mean, maybe in the fictional television soap opera world, but in reality? Nah... Wrong! You better sit down, cause there is more. But I am just taunting you here, because I am still working on that tell-more (as opposed to tell-all) post in my head. You guys are going to need to gear up for that one. Hopefully I'll get my act together for tomorrow or the next day. Yeah, I am going to promise to have it to you by Friday. In the mean time, please guess! Let me have some fun in these trying times! (and if you are a real life friend and you know what I am talking about - don't guess!) I'll give you two hints: it does not involve an alien abduction or another fatal disease.

PPS For the grandma fan club- she was transferred to my first choice rehab/nursing home today. I have high hopes. Cross your fingers for good decent care.

not paint

I first figured out that Matt had a milk allergy when he was about 20 months old. After taking him completely off of milk we had a blissful excema free year of sleeping through the night. Then I broke down from societal pressure and let him have milk again. And he still still slept through the night. So I kept letting him have milk until he ate milk all the time and was 9 years old and covered with excema and an emotional wreck and something inside of me thought that maybe I should get him off the milk again and when I did not only did the excema clear right up, but his emotions settled into a nice normal range. And that was the end of Matt's milk eating days. Today he is 15 so it has been a long run without.

This morning I was toasting bagels for Matt and the husband and the husband said he wanted cream cheese on his. Matt was trying to be helpful, so he at first put his margarine on the husband's bagel. But he realized quickly that this was not what the husband wanted, so he asked. And the husband said "cream cheese" and Matt did not hear me when I said he should take care of his own and I would handle the rest. And Matt, he who has no experience with all things dairy, took out the sour cream and attempted to spread it on the husband's bagel. Matt said "Oh wait, I think this is sour cream" and I jumped up to do some bagel scraping (and maybe snapped at Matt just a little bit). But I had to admit, that it was kind of amusing that the dairy free kid hadn't the foggiest of clues how to handle a request for cream cheese. Kind of like how my house cleaners sometimes appear to be from another planet when they do things like put the cordless phone into a bowl of fruit or toss the kids way ward socks into the toy bin.

Speaking of socks, Don't you hate it when you go on a laundry washing binge (because it's only been forever since your last load) and you are standing at the dryewr waiting for it to finish, but you don't have the patience to wait for the energy wasting anyway cool down to be over, so you try to reach in and grab all the hot dry clothes and you burn yourself on a metal jeans waistband button? Me too.

Also, someone needs to help me explain to the kids that there is a difference between "I need clean underwear" and "I want clean underwear because I am not flexible enough to go without for a day or four". My kids, as perfect as they are, can be so demanding sometimes.

And for my grand finale tonight..... also, to fulfill my "voices" NaBlaBla quota for the day I present to you me and Matt chatting in the car.

me: I see you had art today.
Matt: No
me: Are you sure?
Matt: Yup, no art today.
me: Then ..... why is there paint on your jeans?
Matt: Paint? That's not paint.
me: Looks like paint to me.
Matt: ........
me: (gulp)What is on your jeans?
Matt: Oh, that, yeah, ah that... yeah.... that's not paint. That's a funny story if you think about it. You see, I bought lunch in school today and I got some mustard up here (points to small stain near crotch) so I figured "Well, that might bring some unwanted attention to the wrong area of me." So I took some more mustard and some ketchup and I rubbed all over myself over here. Then he smiles, looking quite pleased at his keen 15 year old reasoning.
me: u...aa......m.... What?!?

silent

Dear birthday boy,

You just totally hate participating in the school concerts. You told me that when his class was forced to sing One Eyed Purple People Eater he did not sing. You think the song was written by a stoner and you won't sing it. When one of the kids in your class asked you why you weren't singing you told mt that you glared at the kid and in your best stone cold voice said "My uncle is a purple people eater."

Watching you grow up is a thrill.
Happy Birthday Evan.

Love, Mom

gone fishing

Deae Josh's innocence,

Because I am never stressed or just the wee bit of a screaming shrew when it comes to any sort of travel I managed to end up in utopia while the two carefully packed bags, one with my strategically chosen clothes for the week and the other with Josh's all purpose all weather play clothes remained on the stair case at home.

So, it would follow that I ended up at the brand spanking new Target store down the road the other morning with Josh and also Matt to buy a whole new partial wardrobe for me and my sweetie pie. While in Target we purused the t-shirt display for men. Matt is always on the lookout for t-shirts with the right kind of teenaged snarky attitude saying on it. There was one lovely shirt with a picture of a squirrel holding up two mutated humongous acorns and Josh read the saying. It said. "Mine are bigger than yours" and Matt and I exchanged glancesand Josh laughed and declared "That's so funny! He has big ACORNS!"

On the drive home I reprimanded Matt for mentioning my blog in front of Jailbait, who had stopped by to visit with the family earlier in the day. Josh wanted to know why we called the babysitter Jailbait. Matt and I exchanged another glance. Matt said "because you... Uh....you could go to jail if you.... Uhhh..." and Josh finished Matt's thought with " and then you could go fishing!"

So listen innocence, hang around for as long as you want. I am in no rush to see you go and don't ever think we are taking you are for granted. We appreciate you all the time, we just don't want Josh to think we are laughing at him.

Your admirer, clickmom

Dear Boops

Dear Boops,

Remember how yesterday I said the husband got pulled over with your kids in the car and I was telling you because I thought you should hear it from me and not your kids? Well, as usual, having a kid in the car with a photographic memory came in handy. During dinner tonight Matt suddenly began to giggle and then he went on to relay this little exchange for me. It isn't quite how I heard it from the husband. Here it is. This is the husband/cop conversation in it's true and raw form which Matt thoughtfully transcribed for me. The car registration was in my purse that day. I had taken it out of the car to photocopy it for the insurance company, whose card we can't find either. So the glove box was pretty much empty. That is what all the rummaging Matt speaks of was about. I am assuming Matt's version is 100% accurate since the husband sat there just listening without saying during a word in his defense. He is usually more tactful with authority and a better influence on the kids. I plan on putting him in a very long time out.

What Matt Heard:
Dad sees Cop pulling him over
Dad: What? He's pulling me over? Really? Come on! (pulls over)
Cop: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?
Dad: No, not really. I was going 75...
Cop: Actually you were going 78, but that isn't why I pulled you over. Are you sure you have no idea why I pulled you over?
Dad: Yeah, I mean, what did I do?
Cop: The left side and right side of your car have been in different lanes at the same time twice, now, uh, is there something distracting you? Maybe paying a little too much attention to the guys in the back seat?
Dad: No, no...
Cop: Were you out late partying last night?
Dad: (sarcastically) oh yeah, I'm a big party-er (seriously) no, no I didn't
Cop: Sir, do you find this funny?
Dad: (laughing) no
Cop: Don't laugh
Dad: (laughing) okay
Cop: Can I see your license and registration?
Dad: Sure, let me see... (rummages thru stuff for 20 minutes)
Cop: I'm just gonna go back to my car and write up some papers
(Dad keeps rummaging for things for a really long time until cop comes back)
Cop: So, did you find it?
Dad: No, {excuse}.
Cop: Alright, normally this would be a 1800 dollar fine, but I'm going to write you off with a warning.
Dad: Alright
(Dad and the cop finish up and we drive away)
Me: Seriously, I thought you had him in the palm of your hand with the jokes.

Hanging my head in shame (or maybe just trying to hide the giggles),
I mean, "Oh yeah, I'm a big party-er?"
Clickmom

Dear Clickmom,

This is hysterical because it's almost verbatim (though of course not as literally verbatim) as what my kids recounted. I waved them away, saying, I'm sure click's husband didn't say he'd been partying (even though I heard the context of how he said it), and I'm sure click's husband didn't talk back in any way—all the while cautioning the kids to never talk back to a cop even when they're obviously wrong...

They've been acting it out over and over again. They were thrilled, because they'd never been in a car that was pulled over. I had Evan's pal read Matt's transcript and he pronounced it almost to the word perfect. I asked him if he was scared at any time, and he thought for a minute. Then he said, No, I wasn't scared. But since I've never been a car that got stopped by the cops, I didn't know what to expect.

Matt's pal told me that when the cop told your huband he had him shifting lanes on film, my kid whispered to the other kids: I wonder if we'll be on Cops....

With Reservation,
Maybe the kids should play at my house from now on,
Boops

Dear Boops,

Upon questioning, Matt has informed me that he was only giving me "The Reader's Digest version". He also says that your kid said to the husband "You should get out of the car and run away so we could be on cops!"

Hold me, I'm scared.
But still laughing on the inside,
Click

Dear Sweet Baby

Dear Evan,

Last weekend you went to see Young Frankenstein on Broadway for Matt's birthday. You enjoyed it very much. You said you thought it was the best play you had ever seen.

Today, upon coming home after leaving you in charge of Josh for a few minutes while I dropped Matt somewhere, I over heard this little exchange:

You: IGOR! Bring me a glass of seltzer!
Josh: Yes sir, Dr. Frankenstein!

(Josh rushes into the kitchen to pour you a glass of seltzer)

I am going to remember this forever and one day I am going to bring it up again. Probably in front of your boss, or maybe when you introduce me to that someone special. Or maybe I will use it in my own defense if you ever write your autobiography.

I love you sweet baby,
Love, mom

better day

I am trying to eavesdrop on Evan who is on the phone with one of his utopian friends. I have no idea what they are talking about because Evan is mostly saying "Yeah, Uh Hum, that's interesting...." which gives me no clue at all. I did catch this statement though "That's funny because cracker also refers to a white person." and now I'm kind of afraid to know.

Good News! Grandma had a filter put in today because she developed a blood clot. That went fine, but the best news is that she also got her stitches out and the surgeon says she can start walking again!! Yahooo! Now the whole family is stitch free and mobile. This combined with the bald eagle I saw gracefully gliding through the air Wednesday afternoon surely means that things are looking up for us, right????

2 questions

Evan, inorder to complete his homework, had to call a (friend-type) classmate for the spelling words the other night. While they were on the phone, Evan asked the boy if he would like to come over Friday for a play date. The mom, with whom I have had some very nice pleasant chats and am interested in getting to know better, called me back an hour or so later to tell me that the son could not come to our house he had a scouts related activity that day. And then she said, with some kind of uncomfortable that I just couldn't place in her voice, "Can I ask you a couple of questions?" And my heart kind of twisted into a knot (because Oh No What Did Evan Say/Do? What kind of Freak Family does this woman think I am part of now?Oh! Evan!) and then I, despite the fright stomping on my chest, (deep breath) casually said "Sure!"

She hesitates.

Then finally.

"Were you .... bit by a shark?"

"Yes I was!" (relief!) Whew, I'm sure that seems unbelievable to the average suburban garden state house wife. Okay, that was easy, chit chat a little, share a little, is there something (gulp) else?

pause

more pause

I begin to sweat.

tick tick tick

"Were... Were.....Were you a Hooters waitress .... and did you wear a studded dog collar?"

??????????????????

WTF??

Thinking.....

Still thinking .......

Wheels turning....hmmm that does sound familiar.....

"Oh No! That wasn't me! That was Evan's Aunt, my little sister! Yes! But not at the same time! Hahahaha!"

NaBurnedOutAtDay18

The scales are loaded with this right now: sleep on the one side and post on the other.
Naturally I'm going to post, because I said I would post each and every day for a whole painfully long month and heaven forbid I don't after thinking all those evil thoughts about the lucky people on the randomiser who skipped a day, but here is about all I am capable of right now. I've got two tid bits of cuteness that I emailed myself after hearing them (so I wouldn't forget!) and that is about it.

1. The husband took the boys to an old fashioned Kosher deli. It was full of atmosphere. They had the hundred year old shriveled salamis hanging from the ceiling. Evan glanced up and said "Whoa! Those things look like grandma!"

2. Putting Josh to bed he said to me "So, my bed is a jack right?" And I was so confused that I didn't know what to say. I just looked at him with my screwed up face. Then Josh, trying to clear things up for me, went on "Well, if yours is a king and Matt's is a queen, then what else is there?"

Also, Postsecret didn't post new post cards today and I am totally bumming. sigh. Well at least my girls at gofugyourself are not at a fashion show this week and Monday is always a good day over there.

That's all I got.