clickmom

home for terminally confused

scene: After a less than awesome chain restaurant dining experience lil sis and my parents and I treated the kids to some ice cream at a national mix in ice cream chain. All ten of us are lounging around outside when my nephew, who has been performing bodily experiments with his spoon, attempts some kind of pointy end in the belly button manuever and lil sis gently points out that the ability to store flatwear in your belly button might not be an asset one should advertise.

Me: You have an outie sis. You can't put anything in your button

Sis: I don't have an outie. I have an innie.

Me. You do??? Since when??

Sis: Since always. (shows me her innie) mom! Did I ever have an outie?

Mom: No you don't have an outie. The husband has an outie.

Me: What? (more tham slightly freaked out that my mommy is discussing the belly button of the one and only person i am allowed to do the horizontal tango with) My husband could lose a fork in his. How could you say he has an outie?

Mom: (serious and adamant!) ( leans forward for emphasis. Looks me straight in the eye like I am the crazy one) Your husband has an outie.

Me: (skin begins to seriously crawl) I am fairly certain that in the 20 years I have known him he has never had an outie.

Lil sis and I begin side conversation regarding the husband's awesome new 8 pack. And the parents murmur passionately to each other.

Dad: Click! What kind of car does the husband drive?

Me: a Benz.

Dad: before that.

Me: an Audi.

Mom: See! I know what I am talking about!

home for terminally confused

scene: After a less than awesome chain restaurant dining experience lil sis and my parents and I treated the kids to some ice cream at a national mix in ice cream chain. All ten of us are lounging around outside when my nephew, who has been performing bodily experiments with his spoon, attempts some kind of pointy end in the belly button manuever and lil sis gently points out that the ability to store flatwear in your belly button might not be an asset one should advertise.

Me: You have an outie sis. You can't put anything in your button

Sis: I don't have an outie. I have an innie.

Me. You do??? Since when??

Sis: Since always. (shows me her innie) mom! Did I ever have an outie?

Mom: No you don't have an outie. The husband has an outie.

Me: What? (more tham slightly freaked out that my mommy is discussing the belly button of the one and only person i am allowed to do the horizontal tango with) My husband could lose a fork in his. How could you say he has an outie?

Lil sis and I begin side conversation regarding the husband's awesome new 8 pack. And the parents murmur to each other.

Dad: Click! What kind of car does the husband drive?

Me: a Benz.

Dad: before that.

Me: an Audi.

Mom: See! I know what I am talking about!

home is where the heart is

I am so filled with love for my kids the past couple of days.

So with the three of them sitting down at the table for dinner last night I said "Let's talk about how much I just love you so much I can't believe it right now I am about to burst." And they all three froze forks in mid air. And then their eyes began to dart back and forth. Me, a brother, me, a brother, me, brother and so on. I just stood there smiling sweetly and letting them bask in the warmth of my loving ,mother rays. It was Matt who spoke first. He said "Uh mom, do you need us to do something for you?" and I replied "No, darling, I just want you to know how I feel." and he tried again "Mom, is there some kind of new diet you are putting us on?"

Feel the love.

laughing all the way home (and more)

I get this nice "Matt and me" time in the mornings since I don't wake Evan or Josh up until I return from dropping Matt off at school. And most every day I really savor the short time Matt and I have together in the car going to school. Today was one of those nice perfect savoring days. As a matter of fact, as we neared the school driveway I kind of even sighed in my own head thinking how delightful his company had been on my first morning back with the living. (I was SO sick people!!) The rain had stopped, my sun roof was open, the temp was perfect. Once in the school driveway, but not close enough to the entrance for me to actually give him the boot, Matt, announced, "I can't believe that Elton John would use such a word in such a common every day way in a song." The radio had been quietly playing in the background during this tender mother son bonding drive to school. I say "huh? What word?" and Matt says "Vaj-a-bond."

This is the part where I have to split things up into two distinct categories. "WIS" is What I Said and "WWGOIMH" is What Was Going On In My Head.. Okay? Fasten your seat belts. Here we go.....

WIS: How could Elton what?

WWGOIMH: Elton, how could you get so Disney?!

WIS: Oh, you....

WWGOIMH: Vaj? Why did he say it so wrong?

WIS: mean vagabond, that's what you call a....

WWGOIMH: Oh, he read it off the satellite radio player. How cute.

WIS: homeless, wandering.....

WWGOIMH: Vaj. Badge. Madge. Oh, I remember when I loved Madonna.

WIS: person..... you say it vag-a-bond.

WWGOIMH: Vaj? Hey..... that sounds like vaj from vagina! !!!!!!!!!!!! Wait a minute!

WIS: Matt, what did you think it means?

WWGOIMH: Matt=15=horny boy=everything sexual

WIS: ma... (stifle laughter) ma.... (stifle laughter) Matt!

WWGOIMH: He thought Elton was singing about Vaginas!

(Just then I am close enough for Matt and his seriously red cheeks to make a run for it before I fully explode into fits of laughter and Matt seizes the opportunity. He dives for the door handle. I choke back the guffaws. He slams the door. Tears begin to roll down my cheeks. But Matt forgot his umbrella! He shoots me the "Mom! Don't scar me for life look, and reaches for the door, when I .....)

WIS: BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I then proceeded to laugh myself silly driving down the eternal HS driveway (sun roof open- everyone hears).

I laughed all the way home. I almost had to pull over on the side of the road I was tearing/shaking/laughing so much. I had giggle fits all day long just whispering to myself "vaj-a-bond".

In the meantime have come up with some....

Suggested uses for Vaj-a-bond:

1. Make sure your daughter returns from that date a virgin! Try Vaj-a-bond!
2. Tough time delivering that 10 pound kid? Try Vaj-a-bond!
3. Pre-term labor? No Problem! Try Vaj-a-bond!
4. Undies won't stay up? No Problem! Try Vaj-a-bond!

Maybe you have some ideas too!

shoulda sent them home

Wildmom threw a big BBQ the night of the Eagles concert and since a wildmom party is fun for the whole the whole family I let my guys stay for a little while and walk home themselves after the husband I had to leave for the concert.

The next morning at breakfast Evan mentioned to me that Matt had been the center of attention for a while after we had left. It seems that one of the older kids challenged Matt to make a drawing, which he did. And the kids loved it so much that someone ran home and made copies to distribute to the crowd. Then Evan said that what Matt was drawing was "An emo spongebob on a dildo-saurus."

Yup, I was speechless too.

Then I managed to squeeze out " a what?"

And Evan said that word again. Then I asked I asked Evan what a dildo-saurus is and Evan said it is "Like a big hot dog with 18 legs."

Then Evan ran upstairs to get some copies of the signed by the artist G rated drawings Matt had made. They were benign. But they are not the one I am living in fear that some other parent unfolds when cleaning out pants pockets while doing laundry this week.

When big brother Matt rolled out of bed a couple of hours later I casually mentioned that I heard he was drawing for the crowd the night before. He turned 18 shades of red. Then he heard one of my famous speeches. Matt admitting to having a copy of the worst drawing, but because of the fever I have not been able to sift through his room for my own personal horrifying peek.

So far the phone has been eerily silent.

time

We went to see grandma today and the kids were busy with each other. Grandma can't really hear unless she is half lip reading and you are talking directly to her and keeping it s.l.o.w. so she was just watching them. I asked them to please try to engage grandma.

Josh leaned in nice and close to grandma and said "So, uh, what are you in for?"

I was very happy when we left because grandma did not want to go to bed for a change (she was probably too hopped up on sugar- yup, we took her for ice cream again) so I put her in front of the television. But as we left I saw her scooting her wheelchair across the room to where there was a group of old ladies gathered around and chatting. Grandma is not usually so social. It was a good thing.

Also, I am going to the Eagles concert tonight at Madison Square Garden!! Woo Hoo!!! Yay husband and his ticket scalper! And I am going to know every single word of every pre-year 2000 song! Watch me sing-a-long! Woo Hoo!

edible

Matt remarked how all of Josh's (and Josh's friends too) 7 year old energy and focus had shifted away from all things Star Wars and was now aimed at all things Indiana Jones. Josh informed us that this was the way he did things. As an example of his steadfast loyalty to what it is that he really likes Josh referenced his ability to go from one book series to another as long as the books are written by Dav Pilkey. "And therefore" Josh went on in his very adult like and matter of fact kind of way "It's only natural for me to have an interest in Indiana Jones, because after all, (lifts his finger in the air in intellectual emphasis) Hans Solo is played by Indiana Jones."

I could just eat him. Seriously, I could.

manly

Matt kept me company when I went to the pet food store the other day. After I paid for the 28 pound of diet dog food I pointed to the friendly dog food bag toting clerk and let him know that my strapping young son would be carrying the dog food bag for me. Matt awkwardly grasped the 28 pounds of dead weight dog food, carried it the short distance to the car in his special kind of ungainly way, and tossed it through the rear window. When we got home Matt, like the future good husband I am trying to train him to be, went back to the back of the car to fetch the anvil/dog food. I ran for the door since it was drizzling, and stood inside listening as Matt grunted and groaned as he struggled to lift the leaden parcel up and through the open hatch window. I thought to myself that Matt was sounding rather weakish and maybe even wimpy-ish.

Eventually Matt got a hold of the bag and made his way into the house. I gave him the "I heard your cries of distress look" as he breezed by me and then with out skipping a beat he very casually said in his smooth baritone voice "Did you enjoy all of my very manly sound effects?"

high!

Josh's class was doing some thing on Colombia today. All I could think about regarding Colombia is that 1. that is where my house cleaner guy is from 2. Cocaine and 3. COCAINE and lastly 4. cocaine. It was right after we got home and Josh were having some small talk, and I asked him what he done in school to learn about Colombia (cocaine) today.

me: So what kind of Colombia things did you do?
(thinking: cocaine)

Josh: All we did was a word search.

me: What kind of words? (thinking cocaine)

Josh: Well, first we had to find Colombia.

me: That makes sense, what else? (thinking cocaine)

Josh: Then we had to get high.

me: ........... ga............
(can't talk because I am trying to hard to stifle the laughter)

Josh: Yeah, that's the only two I remember.

me: (........ giggle....giggle... )High??

Josh: Oh yeah, and then we found the spanish word for high.

me: gasp......choke...... giggle

Evan aka: Star of the police run drug abuse prevention program (from the other room)
Did he just say "We had to get High??"

me: HAHA haha HAHA haha!!!!!!!!!!!
Evan, I can't take it!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Josh: What's so funny.

me: (stop rolling on floor to speak) Josh, how do you spell "high"?

Josh: H-I You know, like saying Hello....

me: Got it. (roll on the floor some more)

bad ass ride

It was hard for me to decide what I wanted to do today. I am really trying not to sink into a depression.

Maybe it's not a depression exactly, more like a I am completely overwhelmed and paralyzed from thinking about what the next year or two will bring. I secretly keep thinking that eventually I will be going to 3 funerals in a very short period of time. But maybe it won't be so soon, and I would hate to spend the next year holding my breath and not being as engaged as I could be if nothing horrible is going to happen "soon."

Right now I am walking around feeling like I can just obey orders. If someone asks me to be somewhere and do something at a certain time I can do it. But asking me to be as creative as coming up with my own thing to do feels impossible. We didn't have anything special planned for today (ahem husband) and I really wanted Matt to go to the gym. So I went to the gym with Matt. And it was completely weird to be next to him on the elliptical machine. Usually I tune out the whole room, but today he kept tapping me on the shoulder to share my water bottle. Which was fine, just weird.

Then we came home and showered and didn't know what to do for the rest of the day. So I thought and thought, and I had been secretly hoping for rain so we could go to the movies. That is always such an easy choice, but it wasn't rainy, and these days it is a bit of a challenge to find stuff to do that all ages of our family find agreeable, and then it hit me like a bolt of lightning. We took the kids to the near-by cheesy rinky dink amusement park.

And I got to watch my kids laugh and giggle for a couple of hours. Other than the not so proud 3 minutes of me laughing my hysterical hyena laugh of terror on the free fall ride, I had a lovely time watching my kids enjoying themselves. It was totally what I needed. Imagine the expression of pure heaven on Evan's face as he rammed his bumper car into strangers, or the tenderness of Matt as he rode the little kiddy roller coaster for Josh's sake, or the bittersweet (my baby is SO growing up) uttering of Josh, my baby, on that same kiddee roller coaster when just before the ride began he leaned in to Evan, who he was sharing his seat with and said "Evan, dude, this is going to be one bad ass ride. Am I right?"

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there.