clickmom

well fed

Appetizer:

I made baked chicken for dinner tonight. The husband hands Evan a regular knife with which to cut his chicken.

evan: What?!? A butter knife?
husband: It'll work, it's serrated and it's only chicken.
evan: I guess it'll work but if I wanted kill a boar I wouldn't use this.
me: ??????????

Main Course:

Walking the dog this morning I ran into the nice lady who gave me fresh figs off of the fig tree in her yard. She happens to be recovering nicely from her hip replacement. She also happens to be the owner of the cat that was using my children's play area as a litter box. I happened to have coincidentally picked up a pellet gun (ahem) right around the time I figured out the mystery of the stench. Naturally Evan took the pellet gun off of my desk and jammed it the very day I bought it. So I never did get my revenge on the vagrant kitty. Miraculously (or maybe because I had the gardener remove all of the sand from the sand box and the wood chips from the play area) the kitty spared our property for the rest of the summer and by the time we came home from utopia the backyard was stink free. The cat was hit by a car in July. (I wasn't here at that time! I swear! I was in Utopia!)

Dessert

Scene: Evan, Josh and me driving somewhere around Stepford

me: Aaaawwww. look two baby deer on that lawn! How cute! Oooops, one is pooping.
evan: And that is precisely how if you wake up with 4 puncture wounds in your arm and a puddle next to you how you can tell if it was a snake or a vampire bat.
me: duh..........
evan: You see a vampire bat eats three times his weight in blood so when they feed they need to feed for like three hours and naturally they have to eliminate during that time. If a snake bites you then when you wake up, well, you are dead.
me: bambi?

why Evan's friends won't be coming over any time soon

Evan: I had my whole lunch table cracking up so hard today that some of them couldn't continue eating. They had tears rolling down their faces.

me: Wow, what did you say?

Evan: Well, the thing is that so and so was sitting next to me and he thought I was so funny that he slapped me on the back and when he did that I fake punched him in the arm like I always do and a teacher saw.

me: Oh no, did they give you a detention?

Evan: No, they asked me what happened and then they questioned so and so and they realized that it was all fine.

me: So what was it that you were saying?

Evan: Oh, that's not the point.

me: Ummm, Evan, I'm not going to give up, what did you say that was so funny?

Evan: I was telling them about that time when we were driving and you were sick and had to get out of the car and you pooped right next to the car and it was green and (more graphic poop description that you do not want to read) they thought it was hilarious.

RUN!

Evan: I hit this ball all the way from one side of the yard over the fence on the other side.

me: Hey! That sounds like a good hit! Wait, which fence?

Evan: That one...

me: The fence where the new neighbors are? What happened?

Evan: Well, I heard someone yell and then they threw the ball back.

me: Did you hit one of boys?

Evan: No! It sounded like the mom..

me: YOU HIT THE MOM!

Evan: NO, it sounded more like maybe I surprised her, like ball fell near her. I mean.... She threw it back....

me: What did you say? Did you say "Sorry"?

Evan: uh .... no .... I said "RUN!"

would not be hot

What my friend thought she heard Matt (15) say:

"Mom, I found a G-string in an envelope and I thought you would want me to put it on, so I put it on for you."

How my friend responded:

Mouth hanging open, lots of blinking and looking back and forth from Matt to me and back again.

What Matt was actually talking about:

A B-string that he replaced for me on my partially restrung guitar.

heated exchange

CITY FRIEND/COUNTRY FRIEND

EV: Those gutters are so pimp!

L: I know!

Next day:

Ev: T! Look at those gutters! They're so pimp!

T: No, they are copper.

Ev: No, they are pimp!

T: No they are 100% copper.

Ev: No, they are 100% pimp!

T: Y'all know what, there is no such thing as a metal called pimp.

Ev: They are 100% pimp!

T: Y'all know what, I'm going to ask your mom.

(T finds me loading the dishwasher as usual)

T; Click, what metal are the gutters made out of?

Me: Copper.

T: See! I knew it! Evan said they were pimp!

me: .........................

(pause for processing)

Bwah ha ha ha!

hot for knowledge

Lil sis and her kids came over today. I learned something.

I am way too tired to be the mother of a crawler.

I recall (vaguely) saying something along the lines of "this is the least baby proof friendly house ever" and now that I sit down for the first time today I see just how right I was. There was nothing on the humongous slab of rock that makes the mantle over the fireplace when lil sis walked in. Now that she is gone I spotted one choking hazard lego car, one splintery dirt covered fetching stick, one less than sanitary partially canine gnawed cow femur/dog treat, 2 sets of ipod earphones, the very chewy cord to download photos from my point and shoot (if only I didn't lose the charger), a nice page tearable book (who needs kindling when you had Harry Potter?) , and some other stuff that I can not identify from my cozy position on the over stuffed couch.

So, when it was time to go lil sis says to my niece, "We have to go in a minute" and my niece lets out a primal (I am overtired) wail of pain. I think "Oh, no this could get ugly!" but no sooner does the thought cross my mind, when my niece perks up and asks in the sweetest 5 year old "I want candy" tone "Can we watch the news when we get home" and lil sis says "Sure" and my niece happily skips out the door and hops right into her car seat.

uh...... WTF?!?!?

I'm thinking that "watch the news" is lil sis's secret code for "swing by the fast food joint and get a milk shake and the kid toy of the week" but I can't swear to it. I'll need some hard evidence.

young hottie

Went out to dinner with Boops tonight. Boops is a little mopey and I thought it would be nice to take her to our favorite little utopian Italian haunt and hopefully cheer her up a bit. It didn't take long once we got into the eatery before Boops looked kind of extra sad and I recognized that the music playing was the saddest sorriest "can't scrape yourself off the sidewalk" kind of wretched music ever written and assembled into one dismal disc. The top 3 "maybe I should jump off a bridge now" songs were 1. All By Myself 2. All Out Of Love and 3. Just When I needed It Most. I could go on with the titles, but I couldn't be responsible for causing that kind of emotional distress in anyone. (okay, I really want to tell you about Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word and Unchained Melody)

Luckily, once I started to jot the heart breaking titles down, the mood lightened a little and we did get a chuckle or three out of the sheer desperate-ness (Desperado) of the doleful song selection.

Evan and Boops' kid do "this thing" when they are together and "this thing" they do is to try to charm the other kid's mother and tonight when I told Boops' kid that I am going to claim him as my own when we are walking around and amazed people point at us and ask me "Four boys?" And Boops' kid without missing a beat gazed straight into my eyes and said "Oh, click, I am not worthy." Those two are going to slay the girls one day. Watch out girls.

why did I say that?

scene: Matt and I are sitting in the room adjacent to the room where my dad is channel surfing. Matt and I are discussing a ska riff that Matt has composed and recorded on his lap top. Matt and I both happen to look up at the very same moment to see the television right at the exact split second dad pauses on the playboy channel. There is a woman posing in a football jersey which is pushed up over her breasts. Her nipples are retouched. They are blurred out. The effect is bizarre.

me: (Look at Matt. Feel the need to explain) PopPop is watching the playboy channel.

Matt: (Givs me the raised eye brow look)

me: (mistakenly thinking I am funny) Maybe you can watch together!

Matt: I find the thought of that particularly unsettling.

vote for me

So, it turns out that not only do I wear my hair in an unsuitable (for anyone other than JLo) manner, but I have an incredibly annoying recurring hic cup problem, weird underarms because they get smelly when I sweat a lot after a few hours of cleaning out a walk in closet, and I am conceited.

Hmmmpfff.

My cousin chiro (I know, a crime! I have one in the family and he lives 1,200 miles away!) came over and when he remarked that he never knew that I had attended a prestigious NYC high school for gifted kids. I said "You didn't know I am the family genius?" and OMG lil sis did not like that! And when he asked if I did the whole cooking thing and made my kids three square meals a day (his mother gave him ice cream and cake for breakfast!) and I said that indeed I did and that I was a great cook lil sis said I was conceited! And dad insinuated that he agreed with her!

So tell me readers, what do you think, do I sound conceited to you?

PS You're invited over for some grilled herb crusted beef tenderloin if you comment the right answer!

PPS I am back in utopia. Dad is in the guest room.

loose lips

scene: me flitting around utopian kitchen getting stuff done chatting on phone with husband who is in his luxury vehicle chatting back with me from his hands free blue tooth speaker phone.

me: chat chat landscaper bla bla patio

husband: uh huh uh huh

me: bla bla tree roots bla bla contractor wants to take it down

husband: uh huh uh huh

me: bla bla utopian friend chat chat boulders

husband: By the way, did you see the email with the picture of the kitchen table? What do you think?

me: It's okay, I didn't cream my jeans over it or anything.

long empty pause

still pausing

more nothing

me: Husband?

husband: Paul wants me to tell you he is in the car with me tonight.

Paul: hi

me: OH JEEZ, sorry about that....

husband: About what?

me: You know, the sexual refere ..... You know, the ... the table thing ..... ummm .... you know, I gotta go. Bye.

click