clickmom

praying

I have been saying the serenity prayer a lot lately. It goes like this:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

When I say it to myself I try to emphasize the accepting of the things that I cannot change part. That wisdom in the fourth line is crucial too. They pretty much go hand in hand. Serenity & wisdom, I am trying. Some days are easier than others.

Grandma is having increasing difficulty keeping up her end of a conversation. She can't remember the names of items (she called an umbrella a fan today) and she says things that come out of the blue and are totally out of context. Today she said something about "following the plan." I asked what plan and she got embarrassed and admitted she was confused.

I made my mom cry. I saw this guy who is dying of cancer on Oprah and he knew exactly how is gong to die and he had plans for every step of the way. I realized that mom and dad should have plans too. Then at least I (or we- whatever) can help them get the kind of end they want. So I called my mom and I tried to be gentle. Except my mom said she had placed all her eggs in the basket of her current chemo and wasn't thinking she was going anywhere soon. And I told her that this is the kind of thing she needs to plan now before she needs it (though in my mind not that far before she needs it) and she tried to say dad wouldn't talk about it and I told her to tell dad she had to do it to get me off of her back and she started to cry and told me that she knew she was in denial. No kidding. Then lil sis told me that I was too harsh with mom and it was only natural for her not to be wanting to go there.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

unusually

Last week when I went to good doc he did a strep test and a throat culture. He called me the next day and told me the strep test came back negative. My 3 day fever had broken by then anyway so I wasn't incredibly worried. Then the kids and me and Louise, my humongous lymph node, hoped on the plane and went to Florida where we hung around with my immune compromised parents, my 7 month old nephew and the rest of lil sis's family. When I came home I visited grandma, of course, and also my editor at her home and photographed her brand spanking new 2 week old very first grand daughter. And not only did I photograph her, I also shared some of my extensive baby soothing abilities with the father of that delectable new baby and held her teeny tiny little defenseless body as I very expertly rocked her gently off to sleep.

Then the next day good doc calls and says with some hesitation, "So, uh, how are you feeling?" And I tell him I feel pretty good except that Louise is hurting me and she has most definitely worn out her welcome. And the good doc tells me my throat culture came back and , chuckle, it seems that I was harboring a very "unusual" and "rarely seen" form of strep bacteria. And I almost faint thinking about how many people I could have made sick in the past week. But the good doc thinks that once the fever was gone I was unlikely to have been contagious. Then I start wondering how bad it really it is since good doc, who normally is very up front with test results did not email me the results or mention the exact name of the very unusual strep I was afflicted with. And now I wondering if Louise is somehow strep induced and kind of want to go against all my own personal anti western medicine tendencies and hook up my own home made antibiotic IV. I figure if I hug my legs and rock and forth chanting "get out of me get out of me" while waiting for the antibiotics to take effect it would pretty much mean that I look like the loon that I am going to become if Louise does not resolve herself in the next 20 or so minutes give or take 12 seconds on either side. Also, I am pretty much convinced that what ever Louise is she is deadly and I have to call the lawyer and change around my will. The internet can be such a dangerous place for a hypochondriac like me.

sad tongue

Still feeling overwhelmed at the realization that I had mentally prepared myself for the worst when I went down to Florida to see my folks and instead of being pleasantly surprised by something or even anything, I pretty much experienced what I had prepared myself for. Even lil sis said to me our last night there that she didn't want to say it but that she didn't think mom was long for this world. I saw it too. I felt it too. It's like the life is just being drained right out of both my parents and they are just sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming LALALALALA and they keep prodding along, because that is what they do, do not let the neighbors know anything is wrong, except mom and dad are getting slower and slower and the distances are getting shorter and shorter. But they put on their best clothes, and slap on a brave smile and they keep pretending like it's not all that bad or scary or breathing down their necks. I dunno know how they do that.

Mom did do something completely out of character though. She thanked me for taking such good care of grandma and then she tearfully thanked me for bringing the kids down to see her.

Went to see grandma today and the news is not good. She seems to have made a big step towards losing her ability to assign the right words to what she means. It broke my heart. She didn't want me to see how frustrated she was getting. But I did. It would have been obvious to anyone. I wish there was something I could do. I look around at the people who are only shells of the people they used to be and I fear grandma is headed in that direction. One of the aides told me that grandma tries to punch her when she has to bath grandma each morning. Also, she said that grandma had slapped the hair dresser lady when she washed grandma's hair. If grandma keeps this up I am going to have to go to battle because I know the nursing home (that I love so much, the people are so gentle and kind there- please don't fuck this up grandma!) will want to sedate her and then she'll be one of those wheel chair recliner veggie people. So after a very nice visit, where I made grandma a photo album of all 6 of grandma's great grand children from our trip, I told grandma she had to be nice and she couldn't hit the aides and grandma was appalled that I would say she ever hit anyone and got mad at me and wouldn't kiss me goodbye because I waved my finger at her and told her "No hitting!" So I kissed her and left because I was late to pick up the kids and I didn't have the time or the energy or the emotional resources to get back on her good side and I figure she won't remember she is mad at me for more than 20 seconds.

When I went to get acupuncture tonight the needle guy after looking at my tongue and my pulses and my astrology charts and how thick my wallet is (kidding on those last two) said something was amiss and it could mean a couple of things one of which was that I was deeply sad. And I was like b-i-n-g-o look no farther.

vacation album posting from home

I can't believe I drove this monster. I can't believe I did not run other drivers off of the road while driving the mammoth. What a stupid car!

Matt wants his baby cousin to call him Uncle Matt. Matt can't wait to grow up.

Evan aka: Marty Feldman

Relaxing in my mom's pool.

Overcoming his fear and actually feeding a giraffe a little very expensive cracker.

Me and the rents. Mom has aged 15 years since diagnosis. She looks like crap for mom. It makes me sad.

Uncle Matt=awesome babysitter! Hello hot tub!

I had the best seat mates ever for the plane ride home. Nobody!

vacation report from home sweet home

Here is the deal I mentioned with the rental vehicle.

Before I left the husband went on line to rent my rental car and he said "Hey about renting a Hummer!" and naturally Evan was right there over the husband's shoulder drooling all over the laptop and I had to say "Okay" because the offer was already on the table and I didn't want to be the party pooper. After a fine flight we made our way to the rental center, signed all the paper work and was told which spot our vehicle was in. WHen we first walked up to it I almost cried. Probably the only reason I did not cry was because the mammoth was parked in a spot that was clearly marked COMPACT CARS ONLY and I was distracted by the idiocy of that thought. But the truth is that I was afraid of the mammoth and it was way bigger than I ever imagined it would actually be and the sheer width and height of it makes my truck seem like a scooter. I was (this is the under exaggeration of the year) a wee bit reluctant and (scared outta my mind) nervous as I drove off of the lot, but the airport put us right onto the highway and the hotel was right off the highway and I remembered the hotel having valet parking, so I talked myself off of the ledge. I was just starting to relax a teeny tiny bit. My shoulders lowered from my ears and I took a full breath. And just as we were puttering along in the nice slow right lane a door (yes, a big old door!) flew out of the back of the pick up truck we were trailing and went about 25 feet in the air flipped top over bottom twice and came crashing back down sliding sideways across the highway. I yelled "FUCK!!" and almost slammed on my brakes thinking we would be driving right into the path of the door on it's way down, but the door was such dead weight (as opposed to the more typical flighty corrugated cardboard or lofty plastic grocery bag one is more likely to see floating around over the highway) that it fell straight down right behind the truck, and naturally, because I am such a safe (and frustrating to those with testosterone) driver, I had been driving with the recommended 6 car lengths between me and the carelessly loaded pick up truck and was still safely distant enough to avoid being decapitated by a flying door.

You might say I was happy as can be to arrive at our hotel in one piece.

Here are some photo highlights of the trip. The baby is my new nephlet, who is as sweet as an be and we all fought over who got to hold him all day long. So cute.

Never mind. The internet spirits are making me wait too long to post these photos, so I am going to bed. You'll have to settle for the story for now. Sorry!

I wanna go home

You know how in that split second before you puke you pray the last thing you ate will come up gentler than some spicy chili or you hope you chewed real well? Me too. And if anyone wants the long version on sushi reappearing drop me an email.

So. Its our last night in Florida and puking in a hotel toilet is way worse than puking in your own personal lou. Hopefully you dear reader will be able up trust me on this one and not ever know for yourself. I knew my tummy was still not right after being sick last week! Geez, my neck glands are still swollen Im thinking about naming them too. How about Louise? I think it fits for a lymph gland. Don't you?

Louise hurts so much I am tempted to stab her with a screwdriver just to drain the swelling.

home is where the heart is

I am so filled with love for my kids the past couple of days.

So with the three of them sitting down at the table for dinner last night I said "Let's talk about how much I just love you so much I can't believe it right now I am about to burst." And they all three froze forks in mid air. And then their eyes began to dart back and forth. Me, a brother, me, a brother, me, brother and so on. I just stood there smiling sweetly and letting them bask in the warmth of my loving ,mother rays. It was Matt who spoke first. He said "Uh mom, do you need us to do something for you?" and I replied "No, darling, I just want you to know how I feel." and he tried again "Mom, is there some kind of new diet you are putting us on?"

Feel the love.

laughing all the way home (and more)

I get this nice "Matt and me" time in the mornings since I don't wake Evan or Josh up until I return from dropping Matt off at school. And most every day I really savor the short time Matt and I have together in the car going to school. Today was one of those nice perfect savoring days. As a matter of fact, as we neared the school driveway I kind of even sighed in my own head thinking how delightful his company had been on my first morning back with the living. (I was SO sick people!!) The rain had stopped, my sun roof was open, the temp was perfect. Once in the school driveway, but not close enough to the entrance for me to actually give him the boot, Matt, announced, "I can't believe that Elton John would use such a word in such a common every day way in a song." The radio had been quietly playing in the background during this tender mother son bonding drive to school. I say "huh? What word?" and Matt says "Vaj-a-bond."

This is the part where I have to split things up into two distinct categories. "WIS" is What I Said and "WWGOIMH" is What Was Going On In My Head.. Okay? Fasten your seat belts. Here we go.....

WIS: How could Elton what?

WWGOIMH: Elton, how could you get so Disney?!

WIS: Oh, you....

WWGOIMH: Vaj? Why did he say it so wrong?

WIS: mean vagabond, that's what you call a....

WWGOIMH: Oh, he read it off the satellite radio player. How cute.

WIS: homeless, wandering.....

WWGOIMH: Vaj. Badge. Madge. Oh, I remember when I loved Madonna.

WIS: person..... you say it vag-a-bond.

WWGOIMH: Vaj? Hey..... that sounds like vaj from vagina! !!!!!!!!!!!! Wait a minute!

WIS: Matt, what did you think it means?

WWGOIMH: Matt=15=horny boy=everything sexual

WIS: ma... (stifle laughter) ma.... (stifle laughter) Matt!

WWGOIMH: He thought Elton was singing about Vaginas!

(Just then I am close enough for Matt and his seriously red cheeks to make a run for it before I fully explode into fits of laughter and Matt seizes the opportunity. He dives for the door handle. I choke back the guffaws. He slams the door. Tears begin to roll down my cheeks. But Matt forgot his umbrella! He shoots me the "Mom! Don't scar me for life look, and reaches for the door, when I .....)

WIS: BWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I then proceeded to laugh myself silly driving down the eternal HS driveway (sun roof open- everyone hears).

I laughed all the way home. I almost had to pull over on the side of the road I was tearing/shaking/laughing so much. I had giggle fits all day long just whispering to myself "vaj-a-bond".

In the meantime have come up with some....

Suggested uses for Vaj-a-bond:

1. Make sure your daughter returns from that date a virgin! Try Vaj-a-bond!
2. Tough time delivering that 10 pound kid? Try Vaj-a-bond!
3. Pre-term labor? No Problem! Try Vaj-a-bond!
4. Undies won't stay up? No Problem! Try Vaj-a-bond!

Maybe you have some ideas too!

still home being sick-weight loss update on the bottom

OMG people, I can not believe how sick I am! The good news right this second is that my eyes can actually focua on and read the screen as I type this. First time screen has been in focus since last Saturday!

Here's how worse illness in 5 years (since the pneumonia where I ended up hospitalized) went down. Last week I had a post nasal drip, then a sore throat, and then some seriously swollen glands. I wondered why I felt so weak and tired on Saturday. But on Sunday I woke up feeling really off. My soy-berry detox diet smoothie made me nauseous. I ran to the grocery store to buy lunch and dinner supplies and needed a sweatshirt to go out the door. t was 78 degrees.

I made it home, took my temp, 101.3 and took to my bed. I didn't even unpack all the groceries. Eventually the fever went up to 102 and then I got to have the click family routine fight with the husband that goes like this.

Husband : You must take something to reduce the fever
Me: The fever is what destroys what is making me sick! I don't want to take a fever reducer!

Repeat over and over again until someone who is not lying in bed with a fever gets so frustrated that he throws a pillow and storms out of the room and then I end up taking the fever reducer anyway because my fever goes up to 103.5 and my swollen neck glands hurt so much I wanted to make that pain stop. Then I sweat buckets for the next three hours because that is what the fever reducer does to me when the fever is being reduced. And then I lie about taking more fever reducer before I go to sleep because I would rather huddle under the blankets and shiver all night then sweat buckets all night.

But Monday my fever ran around 101.5 which was completely tolerable. I still slept off and on (mostly on) all day long. My neck glands were killing me. Pretty much, with the exception of my whole foods outing I end up sleeping for about 60 hours from Saturday night to Tuesday morning.

Are you still with me here? Dang, I almost put myself to sleep. So readers digest: Sweaty crazy fever dreams with large horned bucks, wild cats, bull mastifs, pugs, and long never ending winding trails, wake up just a teensy fever still nauseous neck pain 9.6 on the 1 to 10 scale. Call good doc. Tell his machine he has to see me. He calls back and tels me to go in a ten. The husband drives me over and the good tells him that fever reducer is OPTIONAL! And that here is a benefit to not taking fever reducer since fever is how an immune system destroys an invader. Ah. Sweet Sweet Victory.

Doc declares I will likely be myself in another day or two, thinks what I have is viral, but swabs my throat for a couple of tests anyway, and I don't have strep and won't know what the other swab finds for a couple of days. In th ecar on the way home I realize I don't feel as bad as I did when I woke up and stop at WF for refried beans and avocado. I already have the corn tortillas, lettuce and salsa at home. My favorite detox lunch) But when I get home I need to lie down and I crash for 2 solid hours. When I wake up I eat the bean soft taco thingy (or three) and that is the first thing that I have had (except for a couple of pieces of fruit) since that berry smoothie Sunday AM.

Now everyone knows that getting sick and not eating for two days is kind of cheating when you have told the internet that you are going to do a weekly weigh in, but I was heading in this successful direction anyway so here is the weigh in after 1 week of detox including 2 days of illness....... ta daa..... ELEVEN POUNDS. Do you know what that means people? Yes it means I must be seriously dehydrated, I recognize that, but still, 11! I can't believe it. But I am happy to see it! Or not see it anymore! Goodbye to you.

shoulda sent them home

Wildmom threw a big BBQ the night of the Eagles concert and since a wildmom party is fun for the whole the whole family I let my guys stay for a little while and walk home themselves after the husband I had to leave for the concert.

The next morning at breakfast Evan mentioned to me that Matt had been the center of attention for a while after we had left. It seems that one of the older kids challenged Matt to make a drawing, which he did. And the kids loved it so much that someone ran home and made copies to distribute to the crowd. Then Evan said that what Matt was drawing was "An emo spongebob on a dildo-saurus."

Yup, I was speechless too.

Then I managed to squeeze out " a what?"

And Evan said that word again. Then I asked I asked Evan what a dildo-saurus is and Evan said it is "Like a big hot dog with 18 legs."

Then Evan ran upstairs to get some copies of the signed by the artist G rated drawings Matt had made. They were benign. But they are not the one I am living in fear that some other parent unfolds when cleaning out pants pockets while doing laundry this week.

When big brother Matt rolled out of bed a couple of hours later I casually mentioned that I heard he was drawing for the crowd the night before. He turned 18 shades of red. Then he heard one of my famous speeches. Matt admitting to having a copy of the worst drawing, but because of the fever I have not been able to sift through his room for my own personal horrifying peek.

So far the phone has been eerily silent.