clickmom

camp letter

Dear Matt,

Leaving you at camp yesterday was such a mixed bag of emotions for me. I was so proud and happy of the young man you have become. I know you know that, but watching you confidently stroll around the camp really brought it home for me. It warmed my heart to see the smiles spread across the faces of the campers and the counselors as they realized who you are. It was obvious to me that you are a well liked and enjoyed contributor there at camp, and that only ads to my already swollen with motherly pride heart.

And as I told you 66 kajillion times (which you so graciously didn't clobber me for each and every time) I am going to miss you like crazy. I am going to miss your laugh, and that knowing look you give me when one of your brothers does or says something not kosher, and I am going to miss your hugs and our jokes and teasing you about your hair, and the stink of your feet, (have they made you store your sandals outside the bunk yet?) and also just having another (almost) adult around to listen to me rant and someone with a level head to bounce ideas off of and also because you are my friend, my son. I really like you. (Not all moms can say that!)

The first few days are always the hardest for the mommy, you know that right?

Today I dragged your brothers around on some errands. We returned some school books I found lying around the house, and went to the bank to deposit some checks. I deposited some for you. There were three here from NaNa and PopPop's bar mitzvah stocks for you. We tried to go back to the barber for them to fix Evan's dumb looking hair disaster, but they aren't opened on Monday. Then Evan got to go to the dentist where he had two cavities filled WITHOUT NOVACAINE. So brave!

After that we grabbed Ev's pal, headed for the mall to pick up shorts and underwear for Ev and then we hung out with the Boop's family until dinner. We went out to eat together and I told Boops about your super mature blanket and she totally got the joke. Ev, however, was totally mortified, which I found fascinating, since it was Ev who dressed as a woman (complete with make up and high heels) last year for Halloween. We tried to explain to him how if you are cool about it then it's a big joke and everyone laughs WITH you instead of AT you, but he remained doubtful. Maybe in a few years he'll relax a little bit.

I love you darling,
Have fun .... and be serious about that video!
I expect to see something amazing from you.

Love, Mom

not entirely gone

On Monday, once dad's daughters had gathered around, dad told us that mom's birds come to the back porch every evening and that we should listen for them. He said that every day at dusk mom really enjoyed watching and listening to the birds. And then he told us about the birds again. But no one really had the focus to go out side and wait for the birds. I don't remember if we noticed birds that evening. It's all a blur, but I am pretty sure no one even looked for mom's birds.

Mom used to tell us that if there was an afterlife she would find a way to communicate with us. And knowing mom's fierce determination we knew she would. So, on Tuesday when I ran over the grocery store for more tissues and bananas with my step sister, I stopped in my tracks when we walked out into the parking lot and saw this:

You can't really tell, but there were some serious heavenly rays coming from those clouds, and I thought to myself, "Hmmm... heavenly rays, mom in heaven, could it be?" and when I got back to the house, and lil sis told me that there had been a magnificent rainbow behind the house, I wondered even more. But then when lil sis told me that she had called my kids out to see the rainbow, I thought to myself, "I really do think this feels like mom." But deep down inside, I pleaded with mom to give me a sign that was just a little more definite, like a handwritten note or something else kind of unmistakable. And then I told lil sis that I had seen an exceptional sky from the grocery store and showed lil sis the picture. And she took my iphone into her hands and stared and stared until I screamed "What?!?!?" and lil whispered back "Is it me or do you see an opened mouth bird in those clouds?" Holy cow, ma!

Then on Wednesday we had the funeral, and afterwards dad's house was packed with all of mom and dad's friends. When it began to get late and the first batch of people decided to head out the sky opened up. So we sat there watching and waiting for the rain to stop. And then lil sis announces another rainbow.

And I run for my camera, because, wow, two rainbows in two days? And we go outside, and not only is there a rainbow but there is a rainbow that arches right over mom's back yard view and we can see both ends as crystal clear as day. And a crowd of mom's family and friends gathers to see this extra amazing rainbow. And 50 people are standing around gazing left and right at that beautiful arch, when a second rainbow appears right around the first rainbow. And it is amazing.

And I declare, that mom always did everything in a big way. And everyone laughs, because it is so true. Because seriously folks, if you saw mom's jewelry drawer you would know that one single rainbow would never do. I have never seen a double rainbow before. I am snapping pictures when lil sis asks me to look at the cloud forming just inside the inner rainbow and lo and behold the tiny little cloud balls are most definitely in the shape of a J. J is mom's first initial.

And now I think to myself, "OMG, I asked for a written note, I'd say her initials are written" So I begin to wonder what it looks like on the other side of the house. I manage to slip away from the crowd, and I head for the front door. Not a rainbow, but not too shabby, right?

And then on Friday, when I was sitting there thinking about how brilliant the sunsets had been all week, and I wondered if it was chance or mom, I happened to glance out the window and even on the plane on my way home from florida, I got the feeling that mom was not done entertaining us yet.

sighing

And I thought I was stress tired before! HA!

I am still walking around in a total disbelief induced haze. I tried to explain this feeling to Matt today and I told him how it's like I have a life map and the life map is everything that is true in my life and someone just snuck right in while my back was turned and I was feeling all safe and sound and that someone went and erased this right now part of my map. And now I am standing here and I am looking at my life map and there is a big empty blank part and I think that maybe I have to grab a pencil and get to work and start this damaged section over but I am just not sure how to do it or what to put in the empty spot. I'm frozen. And I can hardly think. So right now there is lots of nothingness on my map. Because my map was partially erased. And I am not sure what goes in the blank spot. And I don't know when it gets filled in again or even who's job it is to do that. I just don't know how to reconnect the dots.

sigh.

And Matt, my sweet baby Matt, is going to his sleep away camp tomorrow. And I'm not sure how that is going to be for me this year, since without the map and all I just kind of want to knit my kids into a big blanket and wrap them around my very tired shoulders while I sit here rocking back and forth trying to digest what happened and trying to figure out what the next move is. Letting matt go to camp is kind of like being the camper who accidentally falls asleep and lets the campfire go out. It seems like a really dismal prospect. For me. He's going to have a great time.

sigh again.

my life

Three of my parents woman friends took charge of taking care of our family for the past 5 days. They were unbelievable. The three little women would silently slide in and out of the house several times a day, laying out the many platters of food that were delivered all day long, and then turn up later to wrap and store everything for the following day. They brought in plastic cutlery, huge coffee urns, trash bags, and box after box of cookies. They made coffee, emptied the trash, laid out their own table clothes, wiped up spills, and cutest of all, they sent over their housekeepers to tidy up the house at the end of the day. I want to be like them. I am channeling their graciousness as I write this.

In true "this is my life fashion" the limo driver fell asleep behind the wheel on our way from the chapel to the cemetery. I'm not kidding you. He dozed off at a time when all of us in the car had fallen silent. I was in the third row, mindlessly staring out the front window trying to wrap my mind around the reality that in the hearse in front of us my mom was lying in a box. I was staring at the back of the hearse, when I realized that it was getting farther and farther in front of us. I sat up straight and saw that our driver had checked out. I started yelling "Poke him! Poke him!" to my step-BIL in the front seat, but he was frozen in fear. Then the limo started to drift to the left just as a big lawn service truck with a trailer full of mowers was passing us. Lil sis yells out "DUDE WAKE UP!!" and the lawn service guy lays on his horn and the driver regains his (awake status) composure and falls back into the funeral line. Can you even imagine how hard it was for us to get back into that limo with him after the burial? We were imagining the headlines in the next days paper "Six family members and limo driver perish on their way home from local lady's funeral" No thanks.

The scumcle did show up. I figured he would since he was in the country and it was convenient and all. Also, I was sure that there was something he had not stolen from someone yet and he probably wanted one more chance to scope out mom's house. There had been discussion of the scumcle and his antics before I managed to get to dad's side on monday and my very sweet cousin did thoughtfully conceal the two sculptures of grandma's that mom still has. In true scumcle fashion, he comes up to me at the well stocked buffet table a mere hour and half after after we get back to the house (as in my mother had not been in the ground for two hours yet) from the cemetery to ask me if I know where something he once gave to grandma is in mom's house. Yup. You knew it would go down like that right? I mean, who puts the scum-bag in scumcle? Mine does. Though truthfully, his cold as ice wife was following him during the whole ugly interaction and I am pretty sure I saw her holding the puppeteer strings, so in the end, I am still (and maybe I am just being incredibly stupid, but to imagine that my own flesh and blood could be so heartless is devastating) left wondering which half of that couple is so the idiot savant and exactly how the other member one figures into that kind of social deficiency. Maybe they are both socially inept. I dunno.

So this is how it went down. I am standing there surveying the dining room table, plate in hand staring at the abundance, wondering what, if anything, I will be able to keep down, (turns out I can keep an awful lot of corned beef down) when the scumcle glides in. First he expresses concern that somehow grandma is going to force out of him that mom has died. And he feels that he will not be able to lie to her. I tell him that grandma will not be asking about mom, since she can not remember mom and that he is not to under any circumstance bring up mom or her death because that would only serve to upset grandma. It's everything I can do not to slap his face, he is so stupid, because scumcle still won't admit that his mom is losing her marbles. Then one of mom's friends comes over to ask me a question and I tell her that I will be returning in a month to help dad clean out mom's closets. Scumcle hears the word closet and says "Speaking of closets, once I gave grandma a shawl, and I think she may have left it here..." And I cut him off.

Here is the background, scumcle gave grandma a cashmere shawl. A few years later grandma pulled the never used cashmere shawl out of her bureu and gives it to mom. Mom stashed the still unused cashmere shawl in her own closet. Then the whole scumcle stealing statue situation took place. Not long after the scumcle was going through grandma's drawers (as was his custom) when he realized that the cashmere shawl was gone. He wanted it back. He questioned the family and Mom said he could have it back if he gave me my statue. Mom has been hanging onto that shawl as a kind of collateral for the statue.

I said to the scumcle "I will not talk about that now" He persisted. I said "Do not talk about that now." he persisted. I said "Stop talking!" He went bla bla bla... I looked around, realized how much more horrible the day would be if I punched him (I could have pounded him right into mom's tile floor I just wanted him to stop talking) like I wanted to and I said "I am walking away, I will not talk to you" He followed me talking! I said "Go away from me, Do not talk to me" "Stop talking to me" and he followed me around the house talking about the fucking god damned shawl, which to tell you the truth internet, I did not even know or care where it was. I was trying to walk toward little sis who would have protected me, but she had at that exact moment hidden herself in dad's bathroom to do some bathroom business and had no idea what was going on. Luckily my cousin saw scumcle on my tail, grabbed my other cousin and my step sister to separate us and when I stepped out on the back porch he was not right behind me anymore. I am so deeply saddened and somewhat appalled by this. What could possibly be wrong with this man?

only thursday

Oh my goodness. I can not believe the wonderfulness of my parents friends. I am going home tomorrow humbled and in awe.

Dad is holding up pretty well. I am afraid of what happens when we leave. My (surprise!) step sister is staying until Sunday morning. Yup, another admission. I have two step sisters. They were both already out of the house when my parents got married so I never lived with them, so they didn't contribute to my current state of neurosis. (hahahhaha...just kidding)

Obviously I am over tired and getting giddy, also, lil sis and are are, well, let's just say that neither one of can drive a car right now.

Monday seems like a month ago. A very long month ago.

funeral today

Mom's funeral was today. When we met with the rabbi yesterday dad said that he wanted to say something during mom's service and he wanted lil and me to say something too.

It is unusual for such close family members to speak because it is such an emotional experience and family members can rarely hold it together. Dad wrote and wrote all evening long but in the end he decided that he couldn't go through with it. But he still wanted me and lil sis to say something.

Here is what I said (minus the parts that I ad-libbed and didn't write down)

I've spent so much of the last two days asking myself "How do I sum up mom? How do I quantify my mom?" and "Is there one property or one single story that embodies mom?"

And the answer is NO. Obviously. Mom was as multidimensional as every beautiful loving person in this room.

But, you know, I had ideas. I had several ideas. I thought about telling you about the time when I was 5 and my friend from the building was over, and we were sitting in the kitchen with mom and mom was just cracking us up. I don't remember what she was saying or doing but we were hysterical laughing. It was pure happiness.

I leaned back in my chair and thought to my 5 year old self "My mom is the funniest most fun mom in the world!" And what a wonderful warm feeling of tranquility came over me. We laughed with mom all the time, and I hope you did too.

I also thought how maybe I should remind all of you what a fighter mom was. Mom was tough. After all of her surgeries she fought her way right back to norma. Mom had carpal tunnel surgery in both hands, carotid artery surgery, back surgery and two major abdominal surgeries in the last two years. YET... you would never know it. Mom was unstoppable. Mom was a force to be reckoned with.

But I don't want to talk about that either.

What I want to tell you about is mom's advice to me when I was a young hormonal, sulking teenager.

One day mom confronted my abyssmal teenaged attitude. And this is what she told me.

Mom said "Last night I walked into a restaurant and every head turned to look at me. DO you know why?" And naturally being a teenager, I either didn't know or I had nothing nice to say, so I told mom NO and then mom said "I walk into a room like I own the place. I might not be the prettiest one there, or have the fanciest clothes, but I put my chin up and my shoulders back and I walk through a door like I am royalty."

And then I shut my teenaged mouth because I knew it was true.

So from now on when I think about mom I will choose to picture her dressed to the nines, (you know that is mom!) walking into the room, or the party or even the back yard, head held high and proud with all the confidence in the world, just like the happy, laughing, dynamic, warrior she was in real life.

Thank you.

tomorrow will be bad

Funeral is tomorrow. We dread it. We can't believe it is true.

We are very tired. We are drained. We have had little sleep. We have had much emotion. We are afraid of "taking something."

We are utterly and completely overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of our parent's friends and neighbors.

mom died

Mom died this morning. I thought we had a little more time.

Just a little bit.

I really wanted her to spend a couple of weeks with us in utopia this summer.

I wanted her to love it too.

I am so incredibly thankful that we went down to see her last week.

I am leaving for Florida for the funeral.

to my daddy

Here is something you do not know about my dad. He is not my biological dad. Technically he is my step dad. Here is how he came to be my step dad. When I was three it became clear to my mom that she had to kick my no-good biological father out. He wouldn't stop sleeping with his assistant. It might have been worse than that, because scumcle told me once that he had other additional suspicions, but they have not been confirmed by mom, who does not speak of the past.

So my mom was single for a year, and scraping by with much help ($) from the grandparents when grandpa sat mom down and told her she had to get on with her life and he sent mom and her girlfriend on a vacation to Puerto Rico. During that vacation mom's friend got too much sun or something and did not want to go down for dinner one night, so mom went down to dinner all by herself. When mom sauntered into the nicest restaurant in the hotel unescorted the maitre d asked her if she would like to see if his friend who was hosting a party would invite mom to their table. Mom said that was fine, and the friend throwing the party was dad. Back then dad was a big shot around the hotel. Now, when I was a kid and dad told me this story he said he took one look at mom and knew he was the looking at the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. As an adult I heard the truth which was way less romantic, and went something like, dad's friend liked mom but mom didn't like him but kept hanging out with dad's group and eventually dad and mom got together.

But once they came home and started dating mom fell for dad fast and hard. At the time I was 4 and lil sis was 2, so mom figured it was all going to be too good to be true and early on after one of their dates she brought dad home so he could see the package deal that mom, with two little kids, was. Mom figured she would rather scare him off sooner rather than later and avoid the whole broken heart thing. Now, here comes the part where you get to fall in love with dad too. Mom and dad come back to our apartment, they send the baby sitter home and mom leads dad over to the bedroom where lil sis and I are fast asleep and she opens the door for him to see us. He says nothing for the longest time and mom can't tell what dad is thinking, but then she sees a tear run down his cheek and she asks him what he is thinking and dad says that he can't imagine how any man could walk away from us.

I know, I know. I'm crying so hard I can hardly see the key board through the tears and I know how it turns out!

Anyway, mom and dad fall in love fall in love, birthdays get really good around our apartment because dad is in the board of directors of a stuffed animal company! He was like a knight in shining armor coming to rescue the three of us. He was nice and kind and fun and full of love for all of us. Also, even as a kid I recognized how happy mom was because this guy was in her life. Before dad ever proposed to mom I proposed to him. I'll never forget taking him aside, taking his hands, and asking him to marry mom. I don't remember what he said but it was reassuring and I remember him giving me a big smile right back. I knew he was going to ask her and I couldn't have been happier.

They got married right after my seventh birthday. Right before the wedding I asked him if I could call him dad. He was so flattered and said that I could. But we had been calling him by his name for 3 years by then so when ever we called him by his name he'd say "who?" until we made the transition. On the day of their wedding we all piled into a taxi to go to the temple for their small family only ceremony and I was so excited that I told the cab driver "My mom and dad are getting married today!" I hear the look that the cabbie shot dad could have melted steel.

So, dad, who was not allowed to adopt us by my bio-father even though bio guy had little interest in being our father, became our father by actions and not by biology or by name. And for my whole life from age 7 on dad was simply my dad. Dad did all the dad things. And I never thought of him as anything other than or less than or different than "My Dad."

When I turned 18 I changed my last name so we could have the same name. Lil sis did the same when she turned 18. Dad came to birthday parties, school conferences, and graduations, dad drove me to college, and dad walked me down the aisle. When I needed job advice I went to dad. Dad is the grandfather to my kids.

So my heart is with my dad today because he was my dad, and a fine dad too, when really, being my dad was optional. Happy fathers day dad, you are the best.

not looking good for Louise

I was going to name this post "it's curtains for Louise" but I thought that maybe that was too confident. Here is the deal. Back when I dragged myself to the chiro after the fever broke over a week ago he said I was testing positive for bacteria that responded to goldenseal. Now, I believe in the magical wonder of the herbs as much as the next lefty flake out there but aI cannot for the life of me figure out how people realized they worked in the first place because if I was the primitive person who came across a field of goldenseal and tasted it I would have totally blown the "keep looking" horn or made the "this stuff sucks" grunt and sent my clan on to keep looking because YECH!

But I did take the goldenseal in capsule form. People, even the capsule stink. But I my tumy hasn't been right since getting sick either, and after the sushi puking incident, which also involved a handful of supplements, I haven't had the stomach to take any supplements.

But then Louise was killing me, and I thought let me try to gargle with the nastiness that is goldenseal and see what happens. And I gargled once, nothing happened, gargled later and took a couple of goldenseal pills, louise went down a little, so I repeated that one more time last night and this morning Louise is suspiciously quiet. She's still there all right, but she has trimmed down a bit and she doesn't hurt.

I hope I am not jinxing myself here, but I think Louise and I might be parting ways soon, but not soon enough for me.