clickmom

only thursday

Oh my goodness. I can not believe the wonderfulness of my parents friends. I am going home tomorrow humbled and in awe.

Dad is holding up pretty well. I am afraid of what happens when we leave. My (surprise!) step sister is staying until Sunday morning. Yup, another admission. I have two step sisters. They were both already out of the house when my parents got married so I never lived with them, so they didn't contribute to my current state of neurosis. (hahahhaha...just kidding)

Obviously I am over tired and getting giddy, also, lil sis and are are, well, let's just say that neither one of can drive a car right now.

Monday seems like a month ago. A very long month ago.

funeral today

Mom's funeral was today. When we met with the rabbi yesterday dad said that he wanted to say something during mom's service and he wanted lil and me to say something too.

It is unusual for such close family members to speak because it is such an emotional experience and family members can rarely hold it together. Dad wrote and wrote all evening long but in the end he decided that he couldn't go through with it. But he still wanted me and lil sis to say something.

Here is what I said (minus the parts that I ad-libbed and didn't write down)

I've spent so much of the last two days asking myself "How do I sum up mom? How do I quantify my mom?" and "Is there one property or one single story that embodies mom?"

And the answer is NO. Obviously. Mom was as multidimensional as every beautiful loving person in this room.

But, you know, I had ideas. I had several ideas. I thought about telling you about the time when I was 5 and my friend from the building was over, and we were sitting in the kitchen with mom and mom was just cracking us up. I don't remember what she was saying or doing but we were hysterical laughing. It was pure happiness.

I leaned back in my chair and thought to my 5 year old self "My mom is the funniest most fun mom in the world!" And what a wonderful warm feeling of tranquility came over me. We laughed with mom all the time, and I hope you did too.

I also thought how maybe I should remind all of you what a fighter mom was. Mom was tough. After all of her surgeries she fought her way right back to norma. Mom had carpal tunnel surgery in both hands, carotid artery surgery, back surgery and two major abdominal surgeries in the last two years. YET... you would never know it. Mom was unstoppable. Mom was a force to be reckoned with.

But I don't want to talk about that either.

What I want to tell you about is mom's advice to me when I was a young hormonal, sulking teenager.

One day mom confronted my abyssmal teenaged attitude. And this is what she told me.

Mom said "Last night I walked into a restaurant and every head turned to look at me. DO you know why?" And naturally being a teenager, I either didn't know or I had nothing nice to say, so I told mom NO and then mom said "I walk into a room like I own the place. I might not be the prettiest one there, or have the fanciest clothes, but I put my chin up and my shoulders back and I walk through a door like I am royalty."

And then I shut my teenaged mouth because I knew it was true.

So from now on when I think about mom I will choose to picture her dressed to the nines, (you know that is mom!) walking into the room, or the party or even the back yard, head held high and proud with all the confidence in the world, just like the happy, laughing, dynamic, warrior she was in real life.

Thank you.

tomorrow will be bad

Funeral is tomorrow. We dread it. We can't believe it is true.

We are very tired. We are drained. We have had little sleep. We have had much emotion. We are afraid of "taking something."

We are utterly and completely overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of our parent's friends and neighbors.

mom died

Mom died this morning. I thought we had a little more time.

Just a little bit.

I really wanted her to spend a couple of weeks with us in utopia this summer.

I wanted her to love it too.

I am so incredibly thankful that we went down to see her last week.

I am leaving for Florida for the funeral.

praying

I have been saying the serenity prayer a lot lately. It goes like this:

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

When I say it to myself I try to emphasize the accepting of the things that I cannot change part. That wisdom in the fourth line is crucial too. They pretty much go hand in hand. Serenity & wisdom, I am trying. Some days are easier than others.

Grandma is having increasing difficulty keeping up her end of a conversation. She can't remember the names of items (she called an umbrella a fan today) and she says things that come out of the blue and are totally out of context. Today she said something about "following the plan." I asked what plan and she got embarrassed and admitted she was confused.

I made my mom cry. I saw this guy who is dying of cancer on Oprah and he knew exactly how is gong to die and he had plans for every step of the way. I realized that mom and dad should have plans too. Then at least I (or we- whatever) can help them get the kind of end they want. So I called my mom and I tried to be gentle. Except my mom said she had placed all her eggs in the basket of her current chemo and wasn't thinking she was going anywhere soon. And I told her that this is the kind of thing she needs to plan now before she needs it (though in my mind not that far before she needs it) and she tried to say dad wouldn't talk about it and I told her to tell dad she had to do it to get me off of her back and she started to cry and told me that she knew she was in denial. No kidding. Then lil sis told me that I was too harsh with mom and it was only natural for her not to be wanting to go there.

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

sad tongue

Still feeling overwhelmed at the realization that I had mentally prepared myself for the worst when I went down to Florida to see my folks and instead of being pleasantly surprised by something or even anything, I pretty much experienced what I had prepared myself for. Even lil sis said to me our last night there that she didn't want to say it but that she didn't think mom was long for this world. I saw it too. I felt it too. It's like the life is just being drained right out of both my parents and they are just sticking their fingers in their ears and screaming LALALALALA and they keep prodding along, because that is what they do, do not let the neighbors know anything is wrong, except mom and dad are getting slower and slower and the distances are getting shorter and shorter. But they put on their best clothes, and slap on a brave smile and they keep pretending like it's not all that bad or scary or breathing down their necks. I dunno know how they do that.

Mom did do something completely out of character though. She thanked me for taking such good care of grandma and then she tearfully thanked me for bringing the kids down to see her.

Went to see grandma today and the news is not good. She seems to have made a big step towards losing her ability to assign the right words to what she means. It broke my heart. She didn't want me to see how frustrated she was getting. But I did. It would have been obvious to anyone. I wish there was something I could do. I look around at the people who are only shells of the people they used to be and I fear grandma is headed in that direction. One of the aides told me that grandma tries to punch her when she has to bath grandma each morning. Also, she said that grandma had slapped the hair dresser lady when she washed grandma's hair. If grandma keeps this up I am going to have to go to battle because I know the nursing home (that I love so much, the people are so gentle and kind there- please don't fuck this up grandma!) will want to sedate her and then she'll be one of those wheel chair recliner veggie people. So after a very nice visit, where I made grandma a photo album of all 6 of grandma's great grand children from our trip, I told grandma she had to be nice and she couldn't hit the aides and grandma was appalled that I would say she ever hit anyone and got mad at me and wouldn't kiss me goodbye because I waved my finger at her and told her "No hitting!" So I kissed her and left because I was late to pick up the kids and I didn't have the time or the energy or the emotional resources to get back on her good side and I figure she won't remember she is mad at me for more than 20 seconds.

When I went to get acupuncture tonight the needle guy after looking at my tongue and my pulses and my astrology charts and how thick my wallet is (kidding on those last two) said something was amiss and it could mean a couple of things one of which was that I was deeply sad. And I was like b-i-n-g-o look no farther.

vacation report from home sweet home

Here is the deal I mentioned with the rental vehicle.

Before I left the husband went on line to rent my rental car and he said "Hey about renting a Hummer!" and naturally Evan was right there over the husband's shoulder drooling all over the laptop and I had to say "Okay" because the offer was already on the table and I didn't want to be the party pooper. After a fine flight we made our way to the rental center, signed all the paper work and was told which spot our vehicle was in. WHen we first walked up to it I almost cried. Probably the only reason I did not cry was because the mammoth was parked in a spot that was clearly marked COMPACT CARS ONLY and I was distracted by the idiocy of that thought. But the truth is that I was afraid of the mammoth and it was way bigger than I ever imagined it would actually be and the sheer width and height of it makes my truck seem like a scooter. I was (this is the under exaggeration of the year) a wee bit reluctant and (scared outta my mind) nervous as I drove off of the lot, but the airport put us right onto the highway and the hotel was right off the highway and I remembered the hotel having valet parking, so I talked myself off of the ledge. I was just starting to relax a teeny tiny bit. My shoulders lowered from my ears and I took a full breath. And just as we were puttering along in the nice slow right lane a door (yes, a big old door!) flew out of the back of the pick up truck we were trailing and went about 25 feet in the air flipped top over bottom twice and came crashing back down sliding sideways across the highway. I yelled "FUCK!!" and almost slammed on my brakes thinking we would be driving right into the path of the door on it's way down, but the door was such dead weight (as opposed to the more typical flighty corrugated cardboard or lofty plastic grocery bag one is more likely to see floating around over the highway) that it fell straight down right behind the truck, and naturally, because I am such a safe (and frustrating to those with testosterone) driver, I had been driving with the recommended 6 car lengths between me and the carelessly loaded pick up truck and was still safely distant enough to avoid being decapitated by a flying door.

You might say I was happy as can be to arrive at our hotel in one piece.

Here are some photo highlights of the trip. The baby is my new nephlet, who is as sweet as an be and we all fought over who got to hold him all day long. So cute.

Never mind. The internet spirits are making me wait too long to post these photos, so I am going to bed. You'll have to settle for the story for now. Sorry!

1027 miles from home

I am in Florida. My dad looks pretty damn good. My mom looks ... Well. She looks pretty bad. I guess its a combination of bad hair done dumb, silly looking clothes, some kind of eye brow waxing disaster which resulted in the zipping off of skin. All on top of crappy health and intensive medical treatment. Pretty much I would say that mom no longer looks like the pampered princess the is but looks like she has has had a long hard existence that has taken its toll on her.

If I wasn't iPhone posting I would tellvyou about the vehicle we rented and the near death experience we had driving to the hotel.

I will fill you in as soon as I hey my hands on a real keyboard. Promise!

bad ass ride

It was hard for me to decide what I wanted to do today. I am really trying not to sink into a depression.

Maybe it's not a depression exactly, more like a I am completely overwhelmed and paralyzed from thinking about what the next year or two will bring. I secretly keep thinking that eventually I will be going to 3 funerals in a very short period of time. But maybe it won't be so soon, and I would hate to spend the next year holding my breath and not being as engaged as I could be if nothing horrible is going to happen "soon."

Right now I am walking around feeling like I can just obey orders. If someone asks me to be somewhere and do something at a certain time I can do it. But asking me to be as creative as coming up with my own thing to do feels impossible. We didn't have anything special planned for today (ahem husband) and I really wanted Matt to go to the gym. So I went to the gym with Matt. And it was completely weird to be next to him on the elliptical machine. Usually I tune out the whole room, but today he kept tapping me on the shoulder to share my water bottle. Which was fine, just weird.

Then we came home and showered and didn't know what to do for the rest of the day. So I thought and thought, and I had been secretly hoping for rain so we could go to the movies. That is always such an easy choice, but it wasn't rainy, and these days it is a bit of a challenge to find stuff to do that all ages of our family find agreeable, and then it hit me like a bolt of lightning. We took the kids to the near-by cheesy rinky dink amusement park.

And I got to watch my kids laugh and giggle for a couple of hours. Other than the not so proud 3 minutes of me laughing my hysterical hyena laugh of terror on the free fall ride, I had a lovely time watching my kids enjoying themselves. It was totally what I needed. Imagine the expression of pure heaven on Evan's face as he rammed his bumper car into strangers, or the tenderness of Matt as he rode the little kiddy roller coaster for Josh's sake, or the bittersweet (my baby is SO growing up) uttering of Josh, my baby, on that same kiddee roller coaster when just before the ride began he leaned in to Evan, who he was sharing his seat with and said "Evan, dude, this is going to be one bad ass ride. Am I right?"

Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there.

faker voice

I really hate that tomorrow is Mother's Day. I hate Mother's Day. Really want to climb into a cave and miss it.

My mother told me once that the biggest regret she had was that she didn't drop out of college to pursue a career with a big New York PR firm she had gotten a summer job with. She said she thought she would have preferred to have been a career person and lived an exciting life. Those are not comforting words coming from your stay at home mother.

It was at the moment (I was a teenager) those words left my mother's mouth that I knew in my heart that it wasn't that she merely appeared to have no interest in being my mother, but she actually truly did have no interest in being my mother. The cold hard truth was that business suits, high heels, and corporate lunches were things that I could not give her and apparently what she had always desired. Sometimes I wish that we could just stop pretending here, and part ways. Really, I do. Pretending is hard.

Boops, in an email to me, said that even the people who were never parented by their parents grieve when their parents die. I told her that was because they had to let go of the dream that their parents would one day wake up and value being a parent and the child they brought into the world and decide to step up to being a really good parent. My dream is a shriveled black char of fireplace dust right now. One good wind and it's gone forever. Which means that here I sit at 43 years old still tasting that spicy bitter after taste of not having the parents that I needed/wanted/deserved/try to be in my own personal parenting journey. Cancer is going to end that waste of time and energy dream away from me. And it will end it sooner rather than later. There will be much suffering before the end, I imagine, and I will stand tall and do the right thing, like I do, because I try to parent by example. But my heart won't be in it. Because there is no traffic coming the other way down that two way street. You can only love someone you believe loves you back. I live by that.

My kids birthday's are in February, March and April and on all of their birthdays this year I had to call my mother and pretend that it was her calling us and wanting to speak to the kids. In my animated FAKER VOICE I would say "Yes, mom the birthday boy is right here!" and give her an exaggerated moment to figure out which kid I was talking about before handing the kids the receiver. I am not about to get my kids excited about doing anything for her. She sucks. She sucked as my mother. She sucks as a daughter and she she sucks as a grandmother. She sucked when she healthy too, so the cancer doesn't account for anything. Except part of me simply cannot believe that even today as she might be sitting around wondering when her time will be up that she can't manage a phone call, a card, a little gift or anything. If I thought my time was coming to an end soon I would try to be a better person.

Next May when mother's day rolls around I hope to be thinking about me being a mother and not about the mothering I never got from mine.