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lyrics

El3m3ntary School G@ngst@
Yo, I'm a ten year old
my teeth are pure gold
girls have cooties, or so I'm told
I never brush my teeth, my toothbrush has mold

I get straight D's, but it don't really matter
'cause my lunch is handed to me on a silver platter
I'm king of the playground, so now you see,
how great it is to be
ten year old me!

(CHORUS)
El3m3ntary school g@ngst@
El3m3ntary school g@ngst@
El3m3ntary school g@ngst@
El3m3ntary school g@ngst@

I get my lunch for free, the lunch aids respect me
school bullies (are) just a little speck to me
I'll punch 'em so hard they gather trajectory

CHORUS

I got a gold plated pop-gun
I'll shoot you if the cartoons are on reruns

CHORUS

my momma tried to ground me, I had her whacked
Now at every turn she'll be attacked (this is part I have issues with)

CHORUS 2X

my babies made a video

matt stories

why medicines should not be allowed to advertise on tv:

Matt was watching television the other night and he settled on the show The King of Queens. After a few minutes he abruptly changed stations. When I shot him a questioning look he shrugged his shoulders and said “The King of Queens is having erectile dysfunction issues. I can’t relate to that.”

Eaves dropping

After reading George and Martha to Josh, the husband was overheard saying “What?!? I thought George was a really ugly elephant!”

Josh: No, He’s a hippopotamus

Matt: (Dashing into the room) Josh, are you sure he’s a HIP-Opotamus and not just a really cool Opotomus?

lovely Evana the Shaker milk maid

At that Shaker village we went to there was a "discovery" center where kids could do things like milk a fake cow and dress up in old fashioned Shaker clothing. Evan, being the lover of all things costume, bee lined for the dress up corner but when he discovered that boys had only shirts and hats to choose from he opted for the girls more involved period clothing. The best part came when Evan began skipping around the center flapping his hands and I stood in the middle of the place laughing so hard I was doubled over with my legs crossed trying desperately hard not to wet my pants. It was proud family moment, yes it was.

you can call me Al

We went to the lake association’s picnic. They had name tags for the people to fill out. Matt picked one up and wrote “Hi my name is Jamal” This past school year he tried to convince a group of sixth graders that he was Matt’s twin brother Jamal. Some of them believed him. (B- your sixth grader can fill you in on this)

Evan, not to be out done by his big brother (because, we all got a good chuckle off of Matt’s tag) grabbed a name tag for himself and wrote, “Hi, I am Voldemort”. Then he offered his tag writing assistance to Josh, and not agreeing with Josh’s alias choice of Venom, penned a tag for Josh which read “HI, I am Chuck Norris”. Since there was a very pretty 18 year old girl laughing at all of this name tag folly Evan dashed off a couple more tags for himself. By the time we left the picnic you could have also called him P. Diddy and Sister Mary.

Tatoo

The other night I gave Josh some quarters to get a tatoo out of the vending machine. He ended up getting a rose and fearing he wouldn't want a flower I quickly informed him that the toughest sailors and bikers used to get roses and then write their loved ones names across it. He asked to have the tatoo put on immediately. The next morning when he woke up he asked me if I could write on my mother's name. He said he figured that of all the people he loved she needed it the most.

I spoke to mom this morning and she said she thinks she has turned the corner. She is feeling much better.

good day all day

When I first got the note home from the Middle School describing the play/dinner/dance event they (over achieving middle school PTO mothers) had planned for the (hormone riddled irrational) kids my immediate response was to plan on doing what ever I could do or say to encourage Matt to go to this thing. I just want him to have the same experiences as the other (non-neurologically impaired) kids. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine he would actually want to go. But he seemed completely fine and totally unfazed by the idea. (Huh?!?!) As a matter of fact, when I dropped him off at school the morning of the trip he walked a straight line into the building for the first time this year.

He never did phone me from his cell, like I asked him (between sobs at drop off) to. But I, trying to remain calm, took this as a good sign, and after checking CNN on line for terrorist activity in NYC each and every hour on the hour, and seeing that there had been none, I managed to relax a bit myself, if just a little. I toughed it through the day with out Matt's assistance, and the two younger siblings survived, although I did hear Josh wandering around the house calling "Matt?? MATT??" when he wanted to go onto Matt's WOW account and didn't know his password, and I reminded him that Matt wasn't here.

Also, bedtime was clearly anticlimactic for Josh without Matt's fabulous made up on the spot stories. When the book selection I read to him left him wanting more I tried to entertain him with the bizarre song my folks used to sing to little sis and me when were young. It goes like this "and if you don't go to sleep....(pounce on kid)THE LIONS ARE GOING TO GET YOU and if you don't go to sleep the (pounce) THE TIGERS ARE GOING TO GET YOU and if you don't go to sleep (pounce) THE ELEPHANTS ARE GOING TO GET YOU....... " and on and on until me and little sis began to twitch and drool or gave some other indication that we were significantly terrified of not going immediately to sleep and would stay in our beds for the night. Josh was less than impressed.

Little did I know, my first born was at that very moment, not only feasting on his dream come true "pigs in blankets for as far as the eye could see", but he was also dancing up a storm! Matt danced every single dance for the entire length of the dance. Matt danced so much, that aside from gobbling down a handful or two of the pigs in blankets, he not only didn't eat, but he didn't even bother finding a table at which to sit. As if all my motherly advice (thank you David Garbage wherever you are!) over the years did sink in Matt tells me for much of the evening he group danced in a big circle with as many as four girls at a time! Until the last dance that is, until he danced with a girl that was either named Sharon or Shannon. He wasn't sure. Luckily for Matt there are no Sharons in 8th grade and only one Shannon. Unfortunately there are a plethora of Sarahs and even a Savannah and I imagine there was some serious loud music playing when the dancing girl told my sweaty boy her name. And by sweaty I mean undershirt shirt soaked from the neck line right down to the bottom seams complete with salt marks and everything. My boy gave his all out there on the dance floor. I'm so proud. Also, he did a dance demonstration for me, and I just love how he dances. Did I ever mention how much I love an enthusiastic akward dancing boy? Matt is so white.

When Matt walked into the house late that evening he was so excited he could only talk fast and loud and with a lot of hand motions. He thought the play was great, the other kids hated it because they couldn't get over that there were no actual pirates in The Pirate Queen, but he loved it. Matt had a good time on the bus with his friends and later when he got the dinner dance the music was current, and that made it better, and the pigs in blankets, it was like a dream come true, complete with sweeping arm motions that left me imagining an entire buffet table of pigs in blankets. It was so cute and such a happy moment. I could have just listened to him chatter away with my own big grin across my tired (and relieved) mother face all night long.

dangling no more

The first bribe I attempted was $50 bucks for anyone who caused the dangler to fall. I may or may not have suggested that one of brothers either punch him in the face or accidentally kick him in the mouth. I even may have suggested which direction I thought would be most productive. No questions asked to the baby tooth removing assistant but they had a 24 hour time limit to cash in. I got looks of disbelief from my boys, so I may or not have offered cash and/or webkins to all the kids friends too. The brothers were too chicken. I had to go and raise nice kids. Damn me. The friends, I am sure didn't think I was serious. Dumb friends, they could have gotten anything from me! The second bribe was a no holds barred shopping trip to the toy store. There was also an Apple store bribe. Josh wasn't buying any of it. He wouldn't even wiggle the damned thing, which was so loose that it would flip up and lie horizontal poking straight out his mouth so he could bite off and chew food with out dislodging it.

Then I went on that school trip of Josh's yesterday, and the dangler had gotten to hanging real low and crooked and three separate mother chaperones told me they couldn't look at Josh while speaking to him because they got nauseous from seeing it.

The husband offered Evan $10 to "take care of" it last night, I tripled the amount and gave him 5 minutes. Evan told Josh he would put him to bed and this is how the rest of it went down according to Josh: "Evan commanded me to sit on the toilet seat and I did except I was so afraid I kept my eyes closed." But the next thing I hear is Evan shouting "Mom! It's out!" and I race up the stairs cackling like an extremely happy witch to see Josh frantically rinsing with pink tinged water from a dixie cup and Evan standing there with a satisfied look of accomplishment on his face.

The only catch is that they can't find the tooth because according to Evan it went flying out, may have hit the wall, and he absolutely heard it hit the base board heater and he assumes the tooth is inside of the heater now. Evan demonstrates what he did with Josh's toothbrush to get the damned thing out. Imagine an innocent looking Batman toothbrush as an ice pick, chisel and crow bar all in one. Josh says it happened fast. He does not appear to be traumatized.

Naturally Evan (to the rescue) had to write another letter to Athena, this one being in some sort of Evan fabricated ancient anguage, but a letter with an offering of sea glass, a bullet necklace, molten copper and a black mineral/rock of some sort.

Today I handed Evan a wad of cash, dashed off to the toy store, purchased some action figures, a magna doodle, and a new sword. But I also kissed Josh right on the sweet lips for the first time in four days with out having to throw a blanket over his face so that the dangler couldn't poke out of his pucker and touch me. Good times.

wild thing

When I was a first year teacher and had to fill out report cards for the first time I went to the local teacher's store and picked up a book of report card comments that could give a light hearted spin to the most delinquent criminal in the class. This book was priceless. It listed typical student traits and gave sample comments that a teacher could use, comments that sounded professional that would not incite a parent to slit your throat on the spot or follow you home and burn down your apartment building. That book was priceless, and I marveled at how there was something to describe each and every kid I had in my little (traumatized,emotionally disturbed, learning disabled) class.

Fast forward 19 years, and I happen to have the kinds of kids that (almost) always come through for me in public situations. In a restaurant my kids are ideal. Airplane? A dream come true. Play dates? They are remarkably polite and courteous. Even in school where they have to spend day in and day out with their teachers, they usually maintain that perfect child aura. I marvel at how the kids are able to charm the pants off of their teachers year after year. Naturally, I see a more, ahem, "relaxed" side of them at home and then I, perhaps mistakenly, attribute that to them being regular old normal kids. Knowing how well they are able to maintain the illusion of perfection for long periods of time, I still have my moments of doubt and sometimes find myself maybe praying a little in certain situations, like opening their report cards for example.

Today Evan's religious school report card came in the mail. His teacher seemed to have a good handle on just who Evan really is, (the real Evan, not the public persona Evan) and I can tell Evan's religious school teacher didn't get his comments from the book.

This is what Evan's teacher wrote:

"What a creative and imaginative young man! There were times when I struggled to keep Evan on point, or to pull his stories around so they connected to the ones we were studying. Truth is, much of The Bible is a parade of battles and military strategies, so Evan's knowledge of modern warfare helped the group relate to the ancient tales. The boy mind is a wild thing- his is wonderful to behold."

Evan, my little assualt rifle toting wild thing.

Evan saves the day

Yesterday Josh lost a tooth! That makes one tooth lost on the boat in Alaska, one up at our island house and one in the Bahamas. If I want Josh to have a full set of adult teeth I might have to travel a lot more the next 10 years.

Last night we gave the boys their long awaited room service and an overpriced hotel movie night. Yup, my kids check in to a hotel and ask "Can we have room service?" before the luggage even arrives. I told them we'd wait until the end of the vacation when we were all tired. Except I didn't want to eat room service so the husband and I left them with Matt in charge and went down to the casual place right in our hotel. As the husband and I waited in line to get in to the restaurant we remembered how last time we were here Evan chose to eat in the restaurant with us and we felt secure leaving Matt and Josh alone. I said a silent prayer at that point.

When I came back to the rooms (without the husband who had gone off to gamble) Evan rushed up to me and anounced that there had been a crisis in our absence. Immediately I suspected that he had been behind it and that he was telling me first in order to soften the blow. I rushed past Evan and looked around for hotel room crisis clues, things appeared as they should be. There were no burnt window curtains, the television was still sitting on the bureau, the room service left overs were all still on the table.

I checked the bed and saw that Josh was blissfully tucked in and fast asleep, it looked good to me. I looked to Evan and he told me that when the boys had no idea where I had left Josh's tooth they searched the bag of stuff we've been toting around. They couldn't find it and Josh panicked. He was very upset. Evan managed to reel Josh in and calm him down by admitting that he had accidentally seen the toooth fairy once, they had become friends, and that he would now write a note to her and he was sure she would be very understanding. According to Evan, Josh was reluctant to believe his big brother until big brother Evan provided a name for the tooth fairy. Evan declared her name to be Athena (since he is currenty reading a fictional novel based on all the greek gods) and Josh calmed right down.

Here is the note that Evan wrote to Athena aka: The Tooth Fairy:

Dear Athena,

My L-B J-man (Little Brother Josh man) has lost a tooth but is unable to retrieve it in time so here is the description:

He drew a little rectangular tooth with an arrow pointing from the bottom to the written word RED

Lost in Paradise Island Nassau Atlantis

Thank you
Sincerely
Evan R. (R stands for Rocky, which is the middle name Matt gave Evan when Evan was upset about not having a middle name)
Josh

Since we are in the Bahamas, I told Josh that maybe the Tooth Fairy (now aka:Athena) might give out casino chips for teeth. So in addition to the casino chips I left under Josh's pillow, I also left my own note. The note that I (as Athena) wrote to Josh said:

Dear Josh,
I found it!
See you soon! (which means: get the other loose out so your mouth can be symmetrical!)

Athena T.F.