I remember when the husband died and everyone was so nice and gentle with me. It felt wonderful but slightly creepy- not that I wouldn't have liked to get used to people just being gentle and kind all of the time, but being the slightly suspicious (slightly??? that's laughable. More like SUSPICIOUS) character that I am, overly nice people don't exactly feel comfortable to me. Ulterior motive? I remember how sus I was the first time we went to D!sney (barf) but then a few days in I was overwhelmed with the thought of how incredible existing would be if we all walked around being D (barf) nice to each other. I can absolutely imagine the workers of D being beaten into niceness submission but on the other hand, it gets super comfortable when on the receiving end.
Everyone being super to nice to me is happening again. Except this time it's all medical professionals. This time it's not because if I am super relaxed I might bust out the credit card and potentially break the bank in the gift shop. Nope, this time the niceness is for the bad reason. The big C.
My PET CT from Monday scan lit up. Dammit. It could also be an infection (yes , please) or some kind of autoimmune disease (I'll deal with that). My fingers are crossed for infection. Come on infection! I am willing to screw the microbiome to fight a beast of a MOFO infection just as long as it isn't the big C.
I wish I had a choice in the matter.
I told M and E but not J. He has a month of school left and I just don't want to burden him right now- because we don't know yet. The worst part of this whole ordeal is having to lay more shitty stuff onto my kids who just lost their dad 6 moths ago. My poor kids! Give me and my babies a break!!!!!! shaking my fists towards the heavens.
The truth here is that which ever option is happening here was found after the doctor was atypically attentive, went above and beyond with testing TWICE (why though? what a strange coincidence...) and which ever option it ends up being is in the early stages so I do have a lot to be grateful for. I had held out hopes for a chunk of time with no illness in the the family and with no more stress than regular old day to day stress and that isn't the cards I was dealt.
Four days of cluelessness. Biopsy on Monday. I forgot to ask how long it takes to find out after the biopsy.
I find myself chanting I'LL BE FINE. I'LL BE FINE. I'LL BE FINE. over and over in my head. I'll be fine. Whatever this is I'll deal with it just like I deal with everything else. I don't want to have to, but, that is what I will do.
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