I’ve been having a lot of vivid dreams for a while, but last night‘s dream stood out to me. I was walking along about a step or two behind a guy with a cane and a limp and I suddenly started singing a song (which I’ve lost, but it’s an obscure song that I think I just know from an album of a female singer) and he heard me and I looked up and I was really embarrassed until he started singing along with me and then we began to sing together, and he put his arm around me and I had mixed feelings because it was another disabled person, but we started walking together and I realized how much easier he could walk if he just leaned on me a tiny little bit. I had this sinking feeling because I never want to be the caregiver again and here was this guy who I felt so connected to through this song. I was really enjoying singing with him and felt this incredible bond because we were singing together and we continued to walk. So, I was torn in that moment. The dude was getting me in way that I want to be understood but the limp was telling me “here we go again”
This kind of feeds into this little thought that’s been rolling around the back of my mind of maybe my role in this world or in this life is to be a caregiver. I feel like it’s been somewhat of the definition of me so far. And I also feel like I’m not exactly in control of that no matter how much I would like whatever time I have left here to be me celebrating myself. I’m still wondering if that’s just not why I’m on this planet right now.
I’m emotionally drained. Absolutely exhausted. Every day.
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