Still working out the kinks on this road to my new life. I saw Pal at the memorial and then stopped by his house for a 2 person sleepover party a couple of days ago. He joyfully exclaimed how great it was to be seeing me so often and I wanted to return the joy because I was totally feeling it too but it felt disrespectful because the husband had to pass away in order to make that possible. But it feels so good to be getting back to myself, when myself is not someone who sits around the house day in and day out.
It's a bit complicated since I also do not want to get covid and I will inevitably get covid because I keep hanging out with other people, so I have to do the mental gymnastics that will be necessary not to want to destroy the person who ends up getting me sick. This will be tricky. Peanut tested positive for covid yesterday. She was feeling pretty bad and I didn't have the courage to ask her if she had informed the people she had seen the day before that they had been exposed.
Scratch that. I asked her. She did too many things to know where she picked it up and she did let the people who saw her right before she became symptomatic know- but not because she was informing them of her covid status, it was because she had to cancel their next gathering. I am a bit concerned that someone might be around me after they've been exposed and expose me because we live in this kill or be killed world where no one cares about other people enough to let them know that they may be infectious so that they can not infect others. This is why I will 100% refuse to return to this earthly existence for another go around. I hate it here. People suck.
Speaking of hating it here, on the one hand all of humanity is a profound disappointment to me, but on the other hand I am brought to tears of gratitude every time I think about how present and caring my friends have been with me throughout this journey. I am a lucky girl. Definitely chose well. Enough people have told me that they saw who their real friends were after going through a crisis and I am over here inundated with calls, cards, flowers, meals, and company and finding my experience to be quite the opposite. My friends have shown up in a way that I never even dreamed about. I could hand out awards to my friends to the point that some days I think I might like a break. I'm a lucky woman.
The next hurdle in my life will be getting through thanksgiving emotionally intact. Evan will be my only kid here because Josh doesn't have off from school (damn you Canada!) and Marion is working (with my approval since Canada was going to ruin my day anyways) and then the husband, well, you know he can only be here in literal spirit. Evan and his fiance want to do all of the cooking. I'm letting go! Pal will bring his boyfriend, and I am wondering if I know anyone else who doesn't have anywhere to go so I can fill up the dining room. But maybe a small gathering is best for this year. Yeah, I think small might be better.
Comments