Surreal is a good word choice. I am having trouble regulating my nervous system not to be on high alert for every sound in the house anymore and the kids are here and they’re making noise. I’m jumpy. It feels like Monday night was weeks ago and I do feel like I am a little bit in a bit of a fugue state.
The other thing I have to figure out how to stop doing is because I don’t see him sitting in his chair I feel like I can’t make any noise and I have to be super super quiet because he’s sleeping
Whoa. I just had another brain malfunction. My friend was trying to make plans to walk the dog and I was about to say that I can’t commit to a time because I never know if he is going to awake or asleep and I gagged on my words and burst into tears. I had a moment. Every emotion under the sun coursed through my soul in 2 second intervals. Then I got a hold of myself.
But I am fine! Just getting used to my new normal. I know that is going to take time. I’m just sharing the experience. I feel like I want to document it because I suspect I’m not going to remember what this feels like as I move through the process. But if it makes you feel worried about me then I’ll stop. I’ll blab on and on to my own self. (You think I’m joking but sometimes I text myself ideas I want to remember)
You want me to stop? I don’t want to stress you out. I would tell you how confident in my okay-ness I am but I don’t want the kids to hear me. Not because I don’t want them to hear the words but because I don’t want them to hear me in case I get emotional. But really. I told you that my big takeaway from my 2 weeks of respite care was that I would be fine. And I am fine. I’m just going through this with more confidence because I know for sure. It really takes the edge off of things
Time. I need time.
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