I want to talk about this incredible amount of love and gratitude I am feeling in the past couple of weeks. I'm pretty sure it started the day I told Peanut how I was trying to video capture the orbs I was seeing on the baby monitor and I ended up retelling her the whole story of how my grandma was turning on the TV in the middle of the night after she died. In that moment I was filled with love for my grandma, as if I was seeing her again and so happy to be with her. I mean, I know how insane it sounds, but I believe that our spirits continue to exist and I would say that her spirit was with me that afternoon. As I told the story I felt surrounded by love. It's so hard to describe, but you're just gonna have to believe me. Grandma was there, listening to my story and loving me right back. It was a big love fest. Especially when immediately after getting off of the phone when I asked out loud for spirit to let me record the orb and as soon as I pressed the red record button on my camera the most defined bright orb slowly floated across his knees on the video. This orb was so bright it looks like someone had a little laser pointer in the room. Crazy. Thanks Grandma!
I was filled with love and gratitude when I stood over the husband as he was dying. I think it was because the kids were surrounding me in the moment, even though I didn't recognize it as THE moment until afterwards, and a part of me knew that my kids, who I love more every single day wouldn't be the people they have become without his contribution. I was feeling so very loved because I suspect the kids were there as much to support me as they were because you show up when your dad doesn't have long to live. Also, the kids showed up and showing up is everything.
Maybe because it was because the goddess suggested the week before he passed that I let him know that the kids and I would be okay after he was gone, so I did lean forward one evening and tell him how all of our kids are on a good track to adulthood and are fabulous humans and how I am tough and I'll be okay no matter what happens. Then I thanked him for being a good provider. I know that being a good provider was what was always most important to him.
I also want to share the story of the husband's last good day because it was as good as it could have been, considering. Josh had a long weekend from school so I advised him to fly home. I had no idea how bad the husband was, only that he was getting worse every day. It was all very last minute. Then I asked the other two kids to also come home for a big family dinner. I started to wonder about making a thanksgiving dinner because we won't be having our typical big family thanksgiving this year. (Josh doesn't have off from school and Marion will be working) I wondered out loud to a friend if I could get a turkey this time of year and two days later she arrived on my doorstep with a perfect sized turkey. Which was amazing. I feel so loved. I invited her over for our dinner and I also invited Pal, because Pal has been at our Thanksgivings for ever.
Then I had something to give the husband to look forward to. I kept talking about our pre-Thanksgiving Thanksgiving and teasing him about eating stuffing and talking about all of the kids coming home. I didn't manage to get to the store, it had become too risky to leave the husband alone, to prepare ahead of time, but Saturday morning Marion ran out with my list and came back with every thing I needed. I spent the whole day cooking reasonable amounts of all of our favorite thanksgiving day foods.
I put everything out on the kitchen island and we all ate buffet style while sitting around the family room because the husband was too weak to sit in a dining room chair and I don't know how to explain this one but the room was filled with love. So much love. Maybe it was because Pal always has this huge smile while he watches my kids, maybe it was because I was grinning ear to ear watching the kids. The conversation was lively. The husband was unusually engaged, first watching football with Evan and making the effort to participate in conversation. The kids were all debating and there is something really special to see the three of them bantering back and forth. I guess maybe I can see the love and respect they all have for each other. I don't know. It sounds too good to be true but it was just perfect. The husband went to bed early, Pal left, I got the leftovers wrapped and into the fridge, the kids went to bed and then the husband began to stir. With my hindsight I now know that he was beginning to have end of life agitation. Long story short, I began phoning hospice and giving him anti anxiety medications. They took a while to start working, and he wasn't engaging with me as I was trying to distract him from his worries with conversation.
It was 11:30 by that point so I asked him if he wanted to watch SNL while we waited for the meds to kick in and he said YES. I wheeled him to the family room, got him into his recliner, and we watched SNL. Part of me was anxious. I was tired from the cooking and wanted to go to bed, but then I realized that we were chuckling in unison over some of the funnier bits. I stopped myself and reminded me to live in the moment. Parents of young kids will know this great feeling: There is a great feeling when your kids are all tired from a long day and you have gotten them bathed and fed and they're all tucked into their beds and you realize that you have the whole evening to relax and enjoy being the adults together. The house feels extra cozy and whatever worries you have seem far away. That was the feeling I got while we watched and laughed together. Around 12:40, after multiple doses of medication, I noticed him finally relaxing. When SNL was over I wheeled him to bed and he went to sleep without incident.
That was his last good day. I didn't know it at the time but he had been rallying. The next day he barely got up, and by Sunday night he was falling apart. He was unable to stand or even sit up and all of the hospice meds I had in the house couldn't quell his anxiety. It was a difficult night for him and terrifying for me. I realized that I could not keep him safe at home anymore. Monday morning I arranged for him to be transferred to the hospice facility.
To be completely transparent, none of us had any clue he was so close to the end. The kids had begun to disperse and return to their lives. I packed a big bag of things the husband might want while in hospice. Following the ambulance to the hospice I was making plans for my new life of hanging out in a hospice all day. You know this! The husband was King Of The Bounce Back. He always came through! I was certain he was gonna Jimmy Carter the heck out his hospice experience. I was imagining myself driving there in the snow this winter.
What I did not realize is that just before the ambulance arrived he had lost consciousness. The hospice quickly assessed him when we arrived and they told me he had "hours to days" to live and that they did not think he would regain consciousness. That took a minute to sink in. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I think I said "hours to days" out loud at least half a dozen times before I could process it. I quickly made phone calls to the kids and they all rushed to the hospice. He passed Monday night surrounded by me and the kids. I will forever be thankful that he did not have to suffer for a long time. The hospice was so good to us and the right place to be even though we were barely there. His nurse was incredible. The staff were all gracious and respectful, exactly how a family in crisis needs people to be.
It all happened so fast and in the best way possible.
I like to think of him healthy and strong on the other side. Happy and at peace. I still have to remind myself he isn't here and that I can make noise in the house or even leave whenever I want. It's been 11 days and I am not used to this at all. The kids hung around as long as they could and this is the third evening I have spent on my own. It feels really weird and the house feels HUGE without him here.
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