clickmom

Old friends

When I was in college two friends planned a surprise weekend for me on my birthday. I got back to my room on a Friday after classes and saw that a bunch of my stuff was gone. I was interrogating anyone I could find on my dorm hallway when they showed up, with big grins on their faces and got me into a borrowed car, blind folded me and began driving. I’m turns out one friend’s grandparents had a cabin in the mountains and we were headed there for a weekend getaway. The weekend was lovely, and I had never felt so taken care of or like I mattered at all in my life. It was wonderful. One of those friends also took me on a road trip back to NYC when I woke up one morning desperately home sick after not being home for over 6 months. So, I guess he’s been on my mind because this road trip I’m on with Josh feels as perfect so far as that one did. .

I dreamed about being weighed down with things on a never ending escalator. He appeared and helped me off, storing my bag in a safe place and then disappearing into the crowd. In my dream I began searching and searching but I couldn't find him in the crowds of people and children.

I’d love to call him. I’d love to know if he had a happy life. I hope he did. He was one of three friends who ghosted me (before ghosted was a term) back when Josh was a toddler and I know that I had gotten strange for a bit there, I’m just not sure exactly how. I do know that I was quite overwhelmed with being the sole person raising three children. So, I’m sure it was me who was the cause of friendship loss, I have no malice towards the friends who jumped ship. Of the three friends the loss of this one particular friend was the saddest. I suppose that of the three he was the one I thought was most likely the lifetime friend. I’ve looked for him on social media. He isn’t there. I used to be able to find his name on the roster of the firm he works for. I’m so tempted to leave a voicemail for him during off hours just to say something friendly. I don’t have any expectations. Just wanted to say something nice. Maybe I just him to be sitting around having a happy memory about something we did while I’m doing the same. I dunno.

TISMF

Almost- Breathing a sigh of relief. Tomorrow I’m checking the husband into a nursing home for possibly 2 weeks so I can take Josh to grad school.

I can not describe to you how desperately I this break. I was talking to my therapist last week, who pushed me to leave him there for 2 weeks instead of 1 and if everything works out smoothly that is what I am going to do.

The last few weeks were pretty stressful here. He seemed to have developed another intestinal infection, which amped up significantly for the month of August, (don’t ask) and the hospice finally ordered the tests to culture his stool and gave him 3 days of antibiotics to use while waiting for the results. I got the sample on Saturday, immediately gave him the antibiotics and he hasn’t pooped since. But you know who is going to have to deal with this? The nursing home! I’m so happy.

My entire soul is weeping with gratitude that I am taking a break. Josh and I will hang out in Canada for the weekend, I’ll head out on Sunday and go directly to my friend Pal’s for a couple of days. Then if all goes well, I’ll stop by the house for a night, throw my clothes in the washer, mow the lawn, and then head up to the heart of New England to see two other good friends who I haven’t seen in forever.

I am trying to keep my happiness inside until we are on the road. But I am so fucking happy.

The husband, is just slower, weaker, more confused than ever. This morning he could not snap out of a vivid dream that he had. But the one good thing is that he always knows exactly who I am and that he can rely on me but holy hell. This is fucking HARD.

exposed

Last Wednesday I got to the woods early and wondered if I’d see a certain early walking friend there. Well I didn’t see her car in the parking lot so I shot her a quick text. She told me she had lent her car to her kid that day and wouldn’t be able to come so I offered to pick her up. She only lives a mile and a half down the street from the woods. I drove over pick her up. We had a nice hike and then I brought her home at the end. On Friday she called me to tell me that she had just tested positive for Covid.

It’s Sunday And I’m still symptom-free. I did pick up some fresh Covid tests yesterday evening and tested negative so I think I may have dodged this bullet. My friend has a very mild case it’s not bothering her at all and is easily mistaken as a light summer cold so there is a chance that she wasn’t even infectious yet when she came into my car on Wednesday. But it’s interesting to note how defensive my cautiousness makes some people. I told them I would be laying low through the weekend just in case I end up coming down with Covid. Knowing that I’ve been exposed I wouldn’t want to be responsible for infecting anybody else around me. The two people that I walk with mostly at the park , see their parents often and everybody knows that I don’t want to kill old people. The reaction from my friend (who I suspect is actually a narcissist), was very telling of how she might behave if she were in my shoes. She seemed inconvenienced over my behavior. I don’t know how long I can remain in this friendship. It’s at odds with my moral code, but knowing that she would not protect the people around, her is kind of next level awful for me.

This friend is so dependent on unloading on me every time I see her that it didn’t register to her that what I am doing by avoiding people this weekend is the most thoughtful thing that human being can do. I am attempting to protect the herd. But she doesn’t see it that way. All she knows is that now she has to find a substitute ear to listen to her. I thought about sending her a text that says something like “At some point in my life, I decided that the person I wanted to be is a really decent human being and decent human beings don’t go around spreading disease. Decent human beings take precautions even when they’re not sure if they’re contagious or not.” But I’m trying to imagine her reaction to reading such a text and I am pretty sure that there is a 100% chance that she would not understand what I’m saying, not feel a drop of gratitude, and that it would only upset her and make her defensive knowing that in some future time, not only would she show up in public, knowing that she may become ill, but she would probably show up in public without taking any precautions if she actually was ill because she couldn’t be inconvenienced into taking a few days off. I do not think she is a decent human being.

If I wake up and I’m still symptom-free on Monday, tomorrow, I’ll take a test and if it’s negative I’m just going to move forward as if everything‘s fine. I do believe I managed to dodge this bullet.

TISMF

So today I found a bright shiny Penny heads up on the sidewalk so I picked it up for a good luck and I was thinking about this thing that happened when I was probably about 15 or 16.My mom had read some book and she was just sobbing at the end and she says to me, a girl consumed in teenage repulsion of my mother, “I know this comes from a book and it’s not original , but I want you to know that after I die when you look down and see a penny on the street know that that’s me telling you that I’m watching over you.”

I thought this was the most disgusting thing she could ever say to me not because it had anything to do with death but because instinctually I knew that this woman wasn’t watching over me in life so I couldn’t understand why I would find comfort thinking about her watching over me in death But you know when I found that penny today I looked to the sky and said “mom I have a lottery ticket for tonight so hook a girl up”

pip-pip

Yesterday I binge watched a reality tv show from England. This morning I woke up half way through a dream while thinking “I can not believe I just dreamed in an English accent.”

No idea what the dream was about but the weirdness of the English accent in my dream has stuck with me all day.