TISMF

I would just like to illustrate the difference between me and the rest of the world. I was watching a cooking video on Facebook reels and it was a bean dish and this woman used two cans of beans and it was two portions and I thought to myself, this girl makes portions in my size, but I read the comments, and all the people in the comments were horrified that she thought that that one person could eat a whole can of beans, whoops

Well, palliative care doctor today was asking the husband a lot of questions to kind of evaluate his understanding of his situation and also how he perceives his own comfort and well-being. And he seemed so confident because he’s still pretty good at faking it until he kind of made this joke about “ask me this question again in 10 years. Hahaha.” And then the gig was up. Doc and I looked at each other. It was a bomb drop moment. Obviously he’s not gonna be here in 10 years… and so he blew it. Which, on the one hand TRAGIC but on the other hand, sweet sweet validation. I’ll see her again in July privately and then we can talk about him… but she did say something to me in a text about redoing the form that we filled out (the MOLST form,) which is kind of like the advanced directives form. It was so long ago that I filled it out, I don’t remember what was on it, but I think she definitely noticed that there has been a decline in the last three months. That’s my best guess.

He went to bed at 5. Tonight it was a huge relief. I was emotionally spent after the appointment. I’ve been sitting here thinking about some of the answers that came out of the husband today when he was being questioned by the palliative care doctor. He has no idea how suffocated I feel by his illness and how much he is dependent on me. He talked about one day possibly becoming a burden. He said he wouldn't want to be a burden. I could cry.

The man doesn’t have an instinct in his entire body. He is completely emotionally shut down. It’s kind of shocking.

So, on the one hand I wouldn’t want him to feel guilty and miserable but on the other hand, by not recognizing the truth I don’t get the validation that I so desperately crave. Interesting. Sounds a lot like my childhood. Gasp. #notmanygoodmemoriesthere