clickmom

blue jay

Last weekend I got up at 5 o'clock so that I could go back and forth to see the stepford chiro ebfore the husband woke up. I have been sciatica for weeks now. That's another story for another day- can you get sciatica from a knee? Because I feel like my knee is what is fucked up. Anyways, I brought sweet pea with me because I wanted to walk her as early as possible and actually drove straight to our favorite park and took a nice hot hike before coming back to the house. Mission accomplished, I got home from both walking sweet pea and an adjustment while he was still sleeping! SO I stepped onto the back patio to commune with my vegetable garden because (another tale for another day) I am about to be overrun with tomatoes and peppers and this gives me infinite happiness.

Anyways, feeling pretty freaking good that the day has worked out so well I sit down outside to settle myself back into patient watch, and I hear a strange flapping sound from close by. And the flapping repeats itself a few seconds later. This does not sound good, so I start looking for the source only to find a blue jay (we have tons of them. I know because they like my birdseed) caught in the deer netting I have around my garden. SHit!

I access the situation, grab a scissor and carefully begin trying to cut the netting away to let the poor Jay's foot free. In the mean time the poor thing, and I know he is terrified of me because they're the least trusting of all the birds I feed, is panting so hard I am in fear for his life. I think to myself that if he dies I will offer his little soul up to the backyard wildlife backyard preserve and complete the circle of life. I finally get his foot free and he tumbles to the ground. Not too far of a drop- a couple of feet. I know. I know. Don't make me feel worse that I already do. My bad- I thought I had one more thread to cut. I slip a bowl of fresh water by him and go inside because I am quite sure that he won't be okay if I stay close by. I keep peeking out the window as I text my friends about this traumatic event that I am in the middle of. I joke that I should have had the trail camera ready to record his rescue and take off. Then I take a peek and I do not see him so, naturally I immediately begin to celebrate in my head because... I saved the blue jay and now maybe he'll tell his friends and all of the blue jays wont be so frightened of me! I am elated! Just call me Snow White, friend to the animals.

Naturally I tip toe outside for verification and maybe pick up the water bowl when I discover that the poor guy just walked a few steps to behind a tomato plant and keeled over.

The guilt. OMG the guilt. I should have covered his little head when I touched him. I probably scared him to death. Or not let him fall. But I am pretty sure the fall alone didn't kill him. Ive seen smaller birds come crashing into our windows and fly away.

What did I do? You know what I did. I put him ON THE WALL and I set up the trail cameras. Yes, cameras, I have two and I thought back up couldn't hurt. Long story short, Nothing happened to him the first night. The next day around noon however, some crows stopped by AND TOOK HIS HEAD. How mother freaking bad ass is that from a crow?? It's freaking medieval and I am here for that. How many times have I watched a bunch of blue jays pestering some crows as they fly overhead? That is just next level. LOve it.

Then the blue jays body sat around for a couple of days stinking up the place, holy hell I had to take note of the wind direction before I went outside into the yard, and I decided that if it was still there this morning I was going to bury it but lo and behold guess who came through to finish the job in the middle of the night? A freaking skunk! I would have to have been listing every single animal I ever saw on the trail camera before guessing skunk. I didn't even know they ate birds. All that remained when I went out this morning were a few feathers on the ground next to the wall. I could not wait to check the trail cameras. I caught it on the good trail camera, the back up didn't even take a single image! 

Other things this Snow White saw with her own eyes in the back yard this morning: A wild turkey, two adult deer, a seagull flying overhead, the adorable frolicking twin deer babies, and, ofcourse,  all of the alive birds.

 

TISMF

I would just like to illustrate the difference between me and the rest of the world. I was watching a cooking video on Facebook reels and it was a bean dish and this woman used two cans of beans and it was two portions and I thought to myself, this girl makes portions in my size, but I read the comments, and all the people in the comments were horrified that she thought that that one person could eat a whole can of beans, whoops

Well, palliative care doctor today was asking the husband a lot of questions to kind of evaluate his understanding of his situation and also how he perceives his own comfort and well-being. And he seemed so confident because he’s still pretty good at faking it until he kind of made this joke about “ask me this question again in 10 years. Hahaha.” And then the gig was up. Doc and I looked at each other. It was a bomb drop moment. Obviously he’s not gonna be here in 10 years… and so he blew it. Which, on the one hand TRAGIC but on the other hand, sweet sweet validation. I’ll see her again in July privately and then we can talk about him… but she did say something to me in a text about redoing the form that we filled out (the MOLST form,) which is kind of like the advanced directives form. It was so long ago that I filled it out, I don’t remember what was on it, but I think she definitely noticed that there has been a decline in the last three months. That’s my best guess.

He went to bed at 5. Tonight it was a huge relief. I was emotionally spent after the appointment. I’ve been sitting here thinking about some of the answers that came out of the husband today when he was being questioned by the palliative care doctor. He has no idea how suffocated I feel by his illness and how much he is dependent on me. He talked about one day possibly becoming a burden. He said he wouldn't want to be a burden. I could cry.

The man doesn’t have an instinct in his entire body. He is completely emotionally shut down. It’s kind of shocking.

So, on the one hand I wouldn’t want him to feel guilty and miserable but on the other hand, by not recognizing the truth I don’t get the validation that I so desperately crave. Interesting. Sounds a lot like my childhood. Gasp. #notmanygoodmemoriesthere

TISMF Summer solstice addition

So I decided to ultimately go with an approximation of last year‘s framing because if I stuck to the original framing, I was afraid that I wouldn’t really have any images by the end of the day. However, as I’m seeing this, I realize that since the tree is only a small fraction of what it was in 2020 not having many images would’ve probably been more appropriate. But, I can tell you that this morning the types of birds that have landed on that tree are drastically reduced in both number and variety of species. And I don’t know how the heat is gonna affect the rest of the day but I’m thinking it’s gonna be a really long next five hours. And I’m thinking that this is gonna have to be my last year because been sitting here for five hours already and for every second of it I have not wanted to be here in the worst way.

I may have to take an air-conditioning break today. It’s getting super hot out here but one thing I love is I’m sitting in this tent. That’s actually a bug tent and not a shade tent, but it does offer a little protection and the deer have no idea I’m sitting in here and I’m watching the twin babies frolic across my lawn.

OK by 1 o’clock my phone was overheating even though I was keeping it between two refrigerated beverages and I felt like I was having trouble … you know getting a good breath of air. It’s so stinking hot out here. So I went inside and I set the timer for one hour and I laid down the couch and I said “oh my God how good is this air-conditioning! It feels so good” and the next thing you know, I was fast asleep. So I had a little nap inside and now I’m back outside watching nobody flying through the air because it is dreadful out here, really dreadful, hot, humid, no breeze the whole thing.

I was just thinking how totally freaking psyched I am that the day is over and I was like God when was the last time. I was so happy to see a day end and I’m pretty sure it was summer solstice 2023.

Also, I am so grateful for my friends who kept me on the phone half the day or stopped over to visit because my good friend Anne finished the day with me and I am so grateful for my husband who said go do your thing no problem

I’m fine and I’m just so happy right now I really am

Getting into a cold shower

TISMF (expanded)

So I was talking to Marion on the phone today and she had this really interesting take. (The kid blows my mind with how together she is) I was telling her that I felt like one of the ways in which I have changed since doing the PTSD therapy is to be able to let go of potentially traumatic events and not to kind of, attach and magnify them with other traumas that have happened to me and therefore keep the festering cauldron of trauma alive with all of the trauma. (Me?? Letting go? Who would have thought!) Also, that I felt some super surprising empathy towards my mom when I realized that she was a shitty mom because she was unprepared and unable to cope with my sister’s behavior.

And that led to us talking about forgiveness, and how some people are able to forgive the worst, and she was saying that (get ready to have your mind blown) the benefit for people who can forgive other people that do horrible things is that by forgiving the person that did the bad thing you are also …. (This is big. Pay close attention) not taking responsibility for causing or being unable to avoid the bad thing yourself. BAM!!! It’s the story of my life!!

So by forgiving the person who did the bad thing, you’re kind of absolving yourself too, and that made so much sense and it also really hit hard.

I think we both need to ruminate on that for a bit. Let’s discuss the next time we talk.

TISMF

I am willing to admit that it is deeply disappointing to me that the quality of my day does not directly correlate with the ease with which I solve my Wordle and connection puzzles every day

TISMF

So somehow a couple of weeks ago, the husband managed to give himself a huge blood blister on one of his toes. Today at wound care when the nurse was disinfecting his feet, she made a tiny hole in it and it started to ooze old dark maroon blood blood so when the doctor came in, she was squeezing it to drain it and I was standing beside her because I have to know what is going on to take care of it between appointments and it exploded all over her and now I need that little device from Men in Black to erase my memory.

Evan got engaged. I’m having big feelings over here.