TISMF

Oh my God I almost got into another accident on my way home. Driving towards the Merritt and some woman comes out of a side street and doesn't stop for the stop sign and wants to make a left in front of me and the weird thing was that she was looking at me as she pulled her car into the intersection. I had to slam on my brakes so hard that the whole back of my vehicle rolled up 2 feet in the air and she just pulled in front of me and made her turn. The really mind fucking part is that she and I made eye contact through the whole thing. She was slowly driving in front of me- I was slamming in the brakes and horn so hard my whole body was straight and off of the seat. We were locked in on each other the whole time. And then by some miracle and what I can only imagine to be the thinnest of separation …. She drove right past me and then sweet pea and me bounced back into our seats after screeching to a stop. I think maybe she wanted to die today.

You know what? The crazy thing is that as soon as the almost-accident happened, I was FREAKING TF OUT in my head- because of the similarities of when I got hit a year ago- except in reverse because today I would have been the one hitting a person (even though I did not have a stop sign) And just for a moment, I could kind of feel myself sliding down the trauma response route (almost like being threaded …) because OMG so similar and I could have hit someone….and I just thought to myself “You know what? I’m not gonna do that.” I decided in that instant that I can appreciate that these are two completely different UNRELATED incidents.

Although (am I a liar?) I will tell you that when I had my accident, somehow I recall looking down the street and seeing that guy coming really fast and thinking that he was going really fast - and as I’ve driven past that corner since then I came to realize that in order to have seen him the way that I saw him in my memory I would’ve had to have rotated my head past my shoulder to look almost behind me and … I wonder if maybe the same guardian angel who I think was protecting me during the crash showed me what was about to happen so that I would understand what was happening because if you recall when I saw the flash of something out of the corner of my eye (which was his car,) I instantly understood what was about to happen and I thought to myself “oh shit”. It’s almost like I was seeing myself a year ago about to get hit and changing that result, except the only thing I can change, as we all know, is how I respond to the potentially traumatic event because I don’t have to carry the trauma even if it would be a valid response.

So maybe…. This is me telling myself that I don’t need to carry trauma baggage from that accident. Because somehow me being able to brake in time shows me that the accident was in no way my fault at all.

I feel like my relationship with bad things happening is shifting. Maybe I can be one of those people who lets things slide! But for real! Like deep down inside. Wow.

Too much of a stretch? Or go for it! If it works for you then it works for you.

BTW- you look good girl!