I am trying to remember if there was one incident in particular that made me feel like the world was not a safe place.
When I was around 3 years old I skinned my knee in the playground. I was alone (because that's how we rolled back in the 60's) and I went running back to our apartment to cry to my mom about it. Before I got to my apartment a teenaged girl noticed my bloody knee, stopped me and cared for me, telling me to sit on her front steps and she came out with some bactine and a bandaid. She was sweet an apologetic about how much the bactine was going to sting and then she took the part that you peel off of the adhesive end of the bandaid and showed me how good it felt to rub that smooth shiny coated paper on my wounded skin.
And I remember sitting there, little tiny me, thinking how strange it was that this girl who did not know me was caring for me. She was so nice, and pretty and sweet I really wanted to just take it in but it made me uncomfortable. I definitely was not in the moment with her. I was, again at age three, completely in my own head not quite understanding the moment ... was I suspicious? Weirdly cautious? Already feeling unsafe? Guarded? I don't know but I am not happy about little me feeling that way. What is the word I am looking for?
And here I am 56 years later wondering why exactly I thought that only my family could/would/should care about/for me. What is up with that? Did I make that up by myself or did someone influence it with something they said? Did Bio father influence it by making me unsafe, because we know there was not a moment of peace and serenity around him. Only fear. Also, can we just take a moment and bow our heads in quiet contemplation about how fucking scared out of my little mind I must have been to be scared for the next almost 6 decades?? I am fucking still scared people!! I wonder. Seriously, why a child of THREE would not expect the entire world to be loving and caring? I don't even know what is normal anymore.
I also hope that teenage girl who was so incredibly sweet and kind and caring to me had a kick ass life and that all of her dreams came true.
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