I am aware that I promised to discuss the PTSD therapy. The problem is that I find myself here, a few days after completion, having "completed the intensive segment of the therapy" not exactly knowing what to say. Weird right?? I mean, the closest I have ever come to speechless is not exactly being speechless. Guys... I am never freaking speechless because when uncomfortable I just start talking (or typing depending on the setting) so here we are. Typing it is! Stream of consciousness post warning: Here it is.
To be honest, early on in the process no one answered me in (my version of) concrete terms when I asked any questions about what to expect, so early on I just made up my mind to simply go with the flow and give it 100% effort while not wholly understanding what I was signing up for. I thought of it the same I remember my experience of the first time my group of friends and I did the triathlon (have you been reading all along? That was a loooong time ago) and we (I) had no idea what to do to get prepared or really anything about it. If you recall, when I got out of the water after the swim and saw people lounging around snacking by their bikes I assumed that some people just did the whole triathlon leisurely, so I took my time, and did not realize that those people were part of a relay group and were only doing the swim section. But anyways, I liked the first one was the best, and not so much after we got all official and started to seriously train. I liked it for the experience more than the competition.
So, in this situation, I listened as if I was going to be tested, gave thought afterwards to what I had discussed with the therapist, and did my best to be honest and genuine with all the homework.
So, what happened?
It changed me.
I think ... I think I am nicer. (That is, as long as you thought I was nice before PTSD therapy) I have been told I am nice. But, I do think that I am also often snarky and that snarky can be the loudest thing people hear. Which is why my kids often did not know how to react when I did say something nice about someone outside the house. But anyways, a few times since its been over I have said something and immediately thought "Wow, that was a nice thing to say." but with some surprise. I think I am great about being supportive, but not always nice, and friends interpret supportive as nice. Or maybe I just have a gigantic case of poser syndrome. Or maybe I am freaking nice. I don't know. I guess it depends on who you ask. Who knows and does it matter as long as at the end of therapy I feel better, which was my goal from the beginning? Does it? I don't think so. I just want to be happy, or happier, lose the baggage and most importantly, not live in the present like the pain of the past is still vibrating all around inside of me.
Surprising take aways include: some serious empathy towards my mom surrounding all of the neglect. Clarity surrounding everyone's role in the family and assorted personality and mental disorders. But, most off all that weight I've been lugging around with me all of these years seems to have been lifted. What was that weight? Good question. A lot of shame (because I blamed myself for being unable to find a solution and implement a plan to get the love and attention I desired but never got), a bunch of anger and also despair. There was also guilt, but you know what didn't show up on my feelings list? Any freaking positive feelings. I mean we were talking about the hard parts, not the good days. I don't even know why there were positive feelings on the feelings chart they gave me. I'm gonna ask about that one day.
To be honest, I was expecting (hoping for) a big breakthrough moment like when I absolved myself from responsibility over the physical and sexual abuse from biological father but that didn't happen that way, (unfortunate because this girl loves a definitive before and after moment) what happened instead was this kind of gradual light on the subject, not like a big lightbulb going off but more like a string of christmas lights popping on one by one as I did and redid and redid the homework..... (because every day was pretty much an ever so slightly different version of the same exercise which involved writing down the false belief or action I made as a result of trauma and then answering a specific set of questions regarding that belief and naturally my answers indicate that the hurtful actions had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the perpetrator's own issues but I had to type those answers over and over again until I regretted admitting to the false belief because in my mind I could understand it as not related to the reality of the situation).... to wear down the false beliefs that I have been living with and open me up to the idea that while I happened to be on the receiving end of bad parenting, it was neither intentional nor was it targeted. I found clarity in regards to, and emotional distancing from, the actions of others. Wouldn't we all be emotionally better off if we all intuitively understood that what other people do has so little to do with our own worth but instead with their own internal battles/shortcomings/etc...? It's the kind of thing we often understand logically but that sneaky little subconscious has a way of tricking us into believing (and in essence reliving over and over) the untruths when we don't understand why we were treated poorly.
So, the takeaway is that I feel much better. Can't really tell if I feel 100% better or not since I am also dealing with the husband who appears to be taking another little health related slide downwards right now. Also, I don't have a clue what it feels like to have been loved and cared for from the start. I can only access this life's memories. (Pass) Sidetracked: It's so tough to tell with the husband, since he often bounces back just a wee bit between each declining episode. But he feels pretty shitty, sleeping more and more and I think the fluid is trying to sneak back onto him. I asked the palliative care doctor if she thought I should get a stethoscope and teach myself to distinguish his normal lung sounds versus CHF sounds so I can check for (I AM LAUGHING AS I TYPE THIS BECAUSE I REALIZE HOW OVER THE TOP I CAN BE) fluid in his lungs. She just slowly shook her head NO and gently told me NO. In that moment I saw clearly how I was driving myself insane. Now I am reminding myself that this is another area where I do not have control.
One bit of good news is that the husband has been complaining about his shoulder injury. (That is not the good news. It's coming up next) It's been there for years and every time he falls he makes it worse but he asked to get a massage, which, hello? I do not turn down a massage ever, so we went and got massages and it was GREAT. It did take some of the pain out of whatever the freak is going on with me, so I plan on getting massages every now and then (weekly maybe?) to see if getting massages with help this butt hurt/down the leg pain I have been suffering with. In my fantasy world I get a 90 minute massage. I want to get a massage that lasts so long that when the timer goes off I am glad instead of disappointed.
Anyways, I am still feeling just a bit of nothingness after the therapy, and maybe nothingness is what is left in the place where all the bad post traumatic feelings were hanging out, or maybe something else. But I feel good. Content is the word I have been using. Kind of like I stopped obsessing about something. But I also feel emotionally drained. Don't know, it'll reveal itself when I am ready. I'll ask the therapist about that too.
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