This PTSD therapy is bring up some old bad memories for me. Tonight the homework assignment is all about Trust. I'm talking about both in ourselves and in others and this whole ordeal came back to me. (It's a repeat. Sorry)
When I was in high school lil sis convinced me to speak with our biological father for the first time in about 6 years. I did get on the phone with him and ended up agreeing to spend my Xmas vacation with him. Oh my god, the dude was a pro level con man. Don't believe me? Do normal people get married 7 times including one double to the same woman? I did not stand a chance at age 16. I was still a confused little baby. So ... I flew down there with a huge lump in my throat. I was scared but I didn't really know why. I just knew that he made me scared.
The trip went really well. My step mother had had a second child and I spent the whole trip doing family stuff with these two adorable little kids, and on the last night I wondered to myself why I had felt so afraid ALL OF MY LIFE around him. Then I told my step mother I would see her in the morning and she told me that she would not be coming to the airport because it was impossibly early for the kids to get up and out and I felt myself almost lose consciousness. In that split second I knew that the vacation had been so lovely because my step mother did not leave me alone with HIM for a single second. In the morning HE and I left the house while it was still dark. And had an uncomfortable ride to the airport. My fear was out of control. The difference was that now I knew why I was so afraid. Back in those days you could walk your family right up to the gate, so he did and I was getting super uncomfortable because he was getting all weird and weepy about me leaving and then when I stood up to board the plane, just as I was about to walk into that tube that goes to plane... he grabs my wrist, pulls me back to him, wraps me into his arms, leans me backwards and french kisses me right there in front of the whole airport.
I push him away and run onto the plane and take my seat. I am SOBBING. The stewardess asks me if I am okay and tell her I will be fine. (Because HELLO?? how fucking confused was I????)
I get home and tell the school social worker, who I have been having weekly meetings with for a few months because I can't stop crying for no reason in class, what happened and together we craft a letter to HIM and I remember telling him I know what you did and I know it was wrong. You were the adult and I was the child. Stuff like that. It was whole hand written page. I wish I could see it now.
You wanna know what that nasty pedophile bastard (how much do I hope he is currently roasting on an open pit in hell?) writes me back in a letter??? HE says how "happy" he is that "we have the open and honest kind of relationship" where we can "talk to each other about anything."
WHAT
THE
FUCK
?????
Narcissists do not apologize for anything.
The other thing that comes to me when I am thinking about trust and how I am not a very trusting person. Understatement. Is when my mom (I know this the second story I am repeating on this blog. Sorry for the redundancy) witnessed me uncontrollably crying 6 weeks after the brutal surgical removal of my eldest child, the surgery that I got to endure without the benefit of anesthesia- that is until they got the baby out and then they knocked me out for the first 8 hours of her life. Fuck you all of Lenox Hill. Anyways, afterwards I ended up with a whooping case of both PTSD and PPD and when mom caught me uncontrollably crying in the bathroom and I told her I was struggling with what had happened in the hospital she told me "Oh for God's sake. You're fine, the baby is fine. Get on with your life!"
BETRAYED.
Hmmmm. Wonder if I have trust issues.
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Comments