So, it was hard to make myself sit down to do the homework because I was feeling kind of happy today and I didn't want to harsh my own mood. But then I thought about how happy I would be tomorrow if I knew it was done and the husband went and lied down in bed anyways... so I sat down in front of the computer and started to mull over the assignment.
I've been having to write down some of the lingering effects from my trauma, fake example: "It was my fault that car ran the red light and hit my vehicle." and the effect that has had on my thinking. Also, we are talking about the feelings which arise after thinking the false narrative. In a nut shell, when thinking about a traumatic event and a person's role in it the type of event leads to the type of feelings and when talking about my feelings they were pretty much all grief and sadness which comes from unforeseeable events. Interestingly enough I did not own to having regret or guilt, and regret comes feeling responsible for the traumatic event.
Now, if you've been reading along here at all you will know that when I dropped out of college and my parents sent me to a shrink because they thought I was "throwing my life away" (Who is the dramatic one??? hahaha) I had a major breakthrough at age 18 or 19 around the abuse from my biological father ... a big breakthrough moment when my sub conscious mind burst through and said out loud that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT, which of course I knew in my conscious mind.... just not deep down. My voice spoke up and everything changed like someone had flipped a switch.
And now I am sitting here wondering if maybe there is something similar going on here because I know that I express anger as grief and sadness. Anyone else here cry when they get mad? Yeah, I know. It's a tough pill to swallow. But, okay back to me! Maybe I express freaking regret as sadness too? Maybe, if there is a pattern to be had here, maybe I need to be relieved of the responsibility for my mother's neglect- which I don't even recognize as being part of my problem but it really does make sense historically. I wish I could put a spell on myself and wave a wand over a kettle and voila! THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT EITHER! Relief. Or.... maybe I will have to finish off this program and get there the old fashioned way- by doing the hard work, paying the therapists lots of money and never giving up until I find the one that helps me get the results I deserve!
It is my year to take care of me.
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