clickmom

stream of consciousness posting

I am aware that I promised to discuss the PTSD therapy. The problem is that I find myself here, a few days after completion, having "completed the intensive segment of the therapy" not exactly knowing what to say. Weird right?? I mean, the closest I have ever come to speechless is not exactly being speechless. Guys... I am never freaking speechless because when uncomfortable I just start talking (or typing depending on the setting) so here we are. Typing it is! Stream of consciousness post warning: Here it is.

To be honest, early on in the process no one answered me in (my version of) concrete terms when I asked any questions about what to expect, so early on I just made up my mind to simply go with the flow and give it 100% effort while not wholly understanding what I was signing up for. I thought of it the same I remember my experience of the first time my group of friends and I did the triathlon (have you been reading all along? That was a loooong time ago) and we (I) had no idea what to do to get prepared or really anything about it. If you recall, when I got out of the water after the swim and saw people lounging around snacking by their bikes I assumed that some people just did the whole triathlon leisurely, so I took my time,  and did not realize that those people were part of a relay group and were only doing the swim section. But anyways, I liked the first one was the best, and not so much after we got all official and started to seriously train. I liked it for the experience more than the competition. 

So, in this situation, I listened as if I was going to be tested, gave thought afterwards to what I had discussed with the therapist, and did my best to be honest and genuine with all the homework.

So, what happened?

It changed me.

I think ... I think I am nicer. (That is, as long as you thought I was nice before PTSD therapy) I have been told I am nice. But, I do think that I am also often snarky and that snarky can be the loudest thing people hear. Which is why my kids often did not know how to react when I did say something nice about someone outside the house. But anyways, a few times since its been over I have said something and immediately thought "Wow, that was a nice thing to say." but with some surprise. I think I am great about being supportive, but not always nice, and friends interpret supportive as nice. Or maybe I just have a gigantic case of poser syndrome. Or maybe I am freaking nice. I don't know. I guess it depends on who you ask. Who knows and does it matter as long as at the end of therapy I feel better, which was my goal from the beginning? Does it? I don't think so. I just want to be happy, or happier, lose the baggage and most importantly, not live in the present like the pain of the past is still vibrating all around inside of me. 

Surprising take aways include: some serious empathy towards my mom surrounding all of the neglect. Clarity surrounding everyone's role in the family and assorted personality and mental disorders. But, most off all that weight I've been lugging around with me all of these years seems to have been lifted. What was that weight? Good question. A lot of shame (because I blamed myself for being unable to find a solution and implement a plan to get the love and attention I desired but never got), a bunch of anger and also despair. There was also guilt, but you know what didn't show up on my feelings list? Any freaking positive feelings. I mean we were talking about the hard parts, not the good days. I don't even know why there were positive feelings on the feelings chart they gave me. I'm gonna ask about that one day.

To be honest, I was expecting (hoping for) a big breakthrough moment like when I absolved myself from responsibility over the physical and sexual abuse from biological father but that didn't happen that way, (unfortunate because this girl loves a definitive before and after moment) what happened instead was this kind of gradual light on the subject, not like a big lightbulb going off but more like a string of christmas lights popping on one by one as I did and redid and redid the homework.....  (because every day was pretty much an ever so slightly different version of the same exercise which involved writing down the false belief or action I made as a result of trauma and then answering a specific set of questions regarding that belief and naturally my answers indicate that the hurtful actions had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the perpetrator's own issues but I had to type those answers over and over again until I regretted admitting to the false belief because in my mind I could understand it as not related to the reality of the situation).... to wear down the false beliefs that I have been living with and open me up to the idea that while I happened to be on the receiving end of bad parenting, it was neither intentional nor was it targeted. I found clarity in regards to, and emotional distancing from, the actions of others. Wouldn't we all be emotionally better off if we all intuitively understood that what other people do has so little to do with our own worth but instead with their own internal battles/shortcomings/etc...? It's the kind of thing we often understand logically but that sneaky little subconscious has a way of tricking us into believing (and in essence reliving over and over) the untruths when we don't understand why we were treated poorly. 

So, the takeaway is that I feel much better. Can't really tell if I feel 100% better or not since I am also dealing with the husband who appears to be taking another little health related slide downwards right now.  Also, I don't have a clue what it feels like to have been loved and cared for from the start. I can only access this life's memories. (Pass) Sidetracked: It's so tough to tell with the husband, since he often bounces back just a wee bit between each declining episode. But he feels pretty shitty, sleeping more and more and I think the fluid is trying to sneak back onto him. I asked the palliative care doctor if she thought I should get a stethoscope and teach myself to distinguish his normal lung sounds versus CHF sounds so I can check for (I AM LAUGHING AS I TYPE THIS BECAUSE I REALIZE HOW OVER THE TOP I CAN BE) fluid in his lungs. She just slowly shook her head NO and gently told me NO. In that moment I saw clearly how I was driving myself insane. Now I am reminding myself that this is another area where I do not have control.

One bit of good news is that the husband has been complaining about his shoulder injury. (That is not the good news. It's coming up next)  It's been there for years and every time he falls he makes it worse but he asked to get a massage, which, hello? I do not turn down a massage ever, so we went and got massages and it was GREAT. It did take some of the pain out of whatever the freak is going on with me, so I plan on getting massages every now and then (weekly maybe?) to see if getting massages with help this butt hurt/down the leg pain I have been suffering with. In my fantasy world I get a 90 minute massage. I want to get a massage that lasts so long that when the timer goes off I am glad instead of disappointed. 

Anyways, I am still feeling just a bit of nothingness after the therapy, and maybe nothingness is what is left in the place where all the bad post traumatic feelings were hanging out, or maybe something else. But I feel good. Content is the word I have been using. Kind of like I stopped obsessing about something. But I also feel emotionally drained. Don't know, it'll reveal itself when I am ready. I'll ask the therapist about that too.

Day 11

Yesterday the PTSD therapist told me that today was the last day of the intensive part. I had not realized and it felt very sudden. So, today was the last day and I’m gonna process this experience for a bit.

I’m really glad I did it.

We’ll talk about it later, maybe even tomorrow.

It somehow feels very profound.

TISMF misery loves company

Would misery like some company?

So. I was wearing these new oofos slides I got around the house today. Then, just now, as I was waiting for the pasta to cook a minute longer I said to the husband WOW. I’M PHYSICALLY TIRED TODAY. WHAT DID I DO? I AM BEAT. and I thought and thought … but I had a regular day including a standard dog walk. Then I was mostly around the house. I had PTSD therapy and I had to do my homework before hand. I ran out to walgreens once. I gave the husband a hair and beard trim. I made dinner. But that was about it. And then as I was standing there I kicked my new oofos off without even thinking about it but I immediately realized that I was standing differently. So I went back and forth between bare feet and oofs a couple of times and I realized that they made me stand up with much better posture. I’m gonna be wearing them a lot now! Once I recover from this PTSD therapy my next goal is to start doing some intentional exercises. Better posture is one of my goals.

When I can summon the energy I might take a pain killer too.

pre day 10

Well. I did not think a four day weekend was going to be a great move for me smack in the middle of this process, and I was right! I have completely shelved most everything trauma related and just continued to live my life. 

But here is the question. How do I feel? I mean I'm half way through, so any changes? I was feeling pretty good there for the last few days before we took this little break or maybe even close to a week. I'd call it happiness but it felt more like contentedness. Which did get me thinking about contentedness and if I have ever existed in a content frame of mind. And I am pretty sure that contentedness is going to take number 2 on my list of things about me that need healing. so, for now the list stands at 

1.Worthiness

2. Contentedness

Do 1 and 2 go hand in hand? Great question. I am thinking in the voice of my therapist while I have these internal conversations with myself. It's weird because I don't actually feel like we, the PTSD therapist and me,  connect too much. Okay, scratch that. To be honest... I'm not connecting with her. Maybe its just that she has to follow this kind of rigid prescribed method and isn't really good at seeming loose while she is watching the clock and pushing forward trying to  go through the routine. Yeah, that is probably what it is. I feel like I have gotten better at seeing the other persons perspective in the last 2 weeks, which is interesting because if you had asked me before the whole PTSD therapy thing I would have confidently told you that I am really good at understanding people. Now I'm feeling like no one has any clue at all about what another person is thinking or feeling that half the problems in the world is that we all assume we know but we don't.

Things I will never say (or even think): I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOU KNOW YOURSELF.

I can't count the times I heard that when tryig to explain myself to my folks. Did they? Hell to the mother fucking NO. Those two would have been better off guessing to strangers than they were at me. I will go to my grave never having said that to another person. NEVER.

Whoa. I sidetracked so hard there that I can't even circle back around to worthiness and contentedness, but the quick answer is that I suspect they go hand in hand, at least for me, so I am sticking with that answer.

post day 9 pre day 10 break

I met with the PTSD therapist last Friday for the ninth time and when we stopped to make the appointments for this week she said "Is it all right with you that we meet on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday next week?" but all I heard was Would you be okay with a 4 day weekend? Ummmm.... Yes, please.

I only vaguely remembered what it was like to feel quite desperate for the weekend, since the past I -don't-know-how-many years have been spent just coasting from one of the husband's doctor's appointments to the next one. But, this PTSD work is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for those who are not going to put the work in because it is HARD. Emotionally grueling, and time consuming. I am not exaggerating when I write here that I weep while trying to do the assignments. Anyways, she gave a HUGE amount of work on Friday. I'm gonna try to get it done tonight so tomorrow I can have one more sweet day off.

Day 8? I think I'm counting wrong. oops. TRUST

This PTSD therapy is bring up some old bad memories for me. Tonight the homework assignment is all about Trust. I'm talking about both in ourselves and in others and this whole ordeal came back to me. (It's a repeat. Sorry) 

When I was in high school lil sis convinced me to speak with our biological father for the first time in about 6 years. I did get on the phone with him and ended up agreeing to spend my Xmas vacation with him. Oh my god, the dude was a pro level con man. Don't believe me? Do normal people get married 7 times including one double to the same woman? I did not stand a chance at age 16. I was still a confused little baby. So ... I flew down there with a huge lump in my throat. I was scared but I didn't really know why. I just knew that he made me scared. 

The trip went really well. My step mother had had a second child and I spent the whole trip doing family stuff with these two adorable little kids, and on the last night I wondered to myself why I had felt so afraid ALL OF MY LIFE around him. Then I told my step mother I would see her in the morning and she told me that she would not be coming to the airport because it was impossibly early for the kids to get up and out and I felt myself almost lose consciousness. In that split second I knew that the vacation had been so lovely because my step mother did not leave me alone with HIM for a single second. In the morning HE and I left the house while it was still dark. And had an uncomfortable ride to the airport. My fear was out of control. The difference was that now I knew why I was so afraid. Back in those days you could walk your family right up to the gate, so he did and I was getting super uncomfortable because he was getting all weird and weepy about me leaving and then when I stood up to board the plane, just as I was about to walk into that tube that goes to plane...  he grabs my wrist, pulls me back to him, wraps me into his arms, leans me backwards and french kisses me right there in front of the whole airport. 

I push him away and run onto the plane and take my seat. I am SOBBING. The stewardess asks me if I am okay and tell her I will be fine. (Because HELLO?? how fucking confused was I????)

I get home and tell the school social worker, who I have been having weekly meetings with for a few months because I can't stop crying for no reason in class,  what happened and together we craft a letter to HIM and I remember telling him I know what you did and I know it was wrong. You were the adult and I was the child. Stuff like that. It was whole hand written page. I wish I could see it now.

You wanna know what that nasty pedophile bastard (how much do I hope he is currently roasting on an open pit in hell?)  writes me back in a letter??? HE says how "happy" he is that "we have the open and honest kind of relationship" where we can "talk to each other about anything."

WHAT
THE 
FUCK
?????

Narcissists do not apologize for anything.

The other thing that comes to me when I am thinking about trust and how I am not a very trusting person. Understatement. Is when my mom (I know this the second story I am repeating on this blog. Sorry for the redundancy) witnessed me uncontrollably crying 6 weeks after the brutal surgical removal of my eldest child, the surgery that I got to endure without the benefit of anesthesia- that is until they got the baby out and then they knocked me out for the first 8 hours of her life. Fuck you all of Lenox Hill. Anyways, afterwards I ended up with a whooping case of both PTSD and PPD and when mom caught me uncontrollably crying in the bathroom and I told her I was struggling with what had happened in the hospital she told me "Oh for God's sake. You're fine, the baby is fine. Get on with your life!" 

BETRAYED.

Hmmmm. Wonder if I have trust issues.

hahahahahahahahahahaha

another hero

Speaking of people that I hope had a great life and lived their dreams.... (see the post before this one) 

This one time I had switched over to the express train to get to work (this was back when I was a young teacher.) Two guys who very well may have been still drunk from the night before went to the end of the platform at the back of the train- which is where every single person was looking because that is the direction from which the train comes towards the station and then, much to my horror, they both whipped out their man parts and pissed onto the tracks. With empty bladders they turned together as they were tucking their privates back into their pants and realized they had just put on a show for whoever was on the platform. They strutted like they weren't embarrassed and as they passed me I said "I am sure your moms would be so proud right now" and they turned to me as if they were going to do something when from over my shoulder this woman-who I did not know and did not know was standing close to me-  speaks up and then they back down and slink away like the platform pissers they were.

She was a DA in the bronx and I hope she had a great life.

unsafe

I am trying to remember if there was one incident in particular that made me feel like the world was not a safe place.

When I was around 3 years old I skinned my knee in the playground. I was alone (because that's how we rolled back in the 60's) and I went running back to our apartment to cry to my mom about it. Before I got to my apartment a teenaged girl noticed my bloody knee, stopped me and cared for me, telling me to sit on her front steps and she came out with some bactine and a bandaid. She was sweet an apologetic about how much the bactine was going to sting and then she took the part that you peel off of the adhesive end of the bandaid and showed me how good it felt to rub that smooth shiny coated paper on my wounded skin. 

And I remember sitting there, little tiny me, thinking how strange it was that this girl who did not know me was caring for me. She was so nice, and pretty and sweet I really wanted to just take it in but it made me uncomfortable. I definitely was not in the moment with her. I was, again at age three, completely in my own head not quite understanding the moment ... was I suspicious? Weirdly cautious? Already feeling unsafe? Guarded? I don't know but I am not happy about little me feeling that way. What is the word I am looking for?

And here I am 56 years later wondering why exactly I thought that only my family could/would/should care about/for me. What is up with that? Did I make that up by myself or did someone influence it with something they said? Did Bio father influence it by making me unsafe, because we know there was not a moment of peace and serenity around him. Only fear. Also, can we just take a moment and bow our heads in quiet contemplation about how fucking scared out of my little mind I must have been to be scared for the next almost 6 decades?? I am fucking still scared people!! I wonder. Seriously, why a child of THREE would not expect the entire world to be loving and caring? I don't even know what is normal anymore. 

I also hope that teenage girl who was so incredibly sweet and kind and caring to me had a kick ass life and that all of her dreams came true.

Day 7. I'm advanced

It's after dinner and I had to pry myself off of the couch to come sit down in front of the computer and do my homework for PTSD therapy, but I am here with you instead! This girl decided to wake up at 4:30 this morning so the brain is hurting right now. .

Guess what! I told the therapist what I said yesterday (see below) about being uncomfortable with the flattery and wondering if I qualified as having a case of imposter syndrome blah blah blah ....  and she told me that I am advanced (her word not mine and HELLO? More flattery?) because in a couple of lessons we will be discussing ESTEEM.  Esteem? Interesting because it's not the same as the BE HUMBLE I was doodling on my notes last last night. I didn't actually cross mine out, I drew a red circle with the slash around the words. But, anyways, interesting that esteem is how others regard you and I am talking about forced humbleness to an extreme and those are not exactly the same, they're just related in the really complicated dysfunctional thinking way and I for one cannot wait to get to get to that chapter in the workbook! HEAL ME.

I don't know what is up with me, maybe its my age but you know what I really want to be? Like so bad.. SO very badly. I want to be confident in the way that was incomprehensible to me when that one young guy who got a camera as a gift was photographing without having a clue what he was doing and selling his work in tourist galleries, (which, hello money....)  and I asked him how he just came up from no where and ended up in galleries and he said "You have to make them think that if they don't get your work they'll be missing out on something" or something along those lines and I couldn't even fathom what he was talking about. DO what? Sell myself? No comprendo.

I think I am starting to understand though. I think its coming to me, cause you know, I am "advanced" hahahahahaha 

 

Day 6

AM I FAKING IT?? AM I BIG POSER??

Guess who has a big case of imposter syndrome. 

You guys, I guess that deep down in my head I thought that getting to a better place was going to involve me being so low that I could barely function on the road to feeling better because I told everyone in my life that I would not be around much for an entire month but here I am feeling this strange sense of clarity and lightness and peacefulness after a mere 6 sessions. It's kind of freaky. Am I just fooling myself? Placebo effect? I hope not.

Something strange happened today. The therapist had said yesterday that I was her most thorough with the homework patient she has had. That made me a teeny bit uncomfortable. Why though?? I mean, really? Then today she said I was very self aware (which in all honesty guys, I would have said that about myself too. I had to get something from all those years of therapy** Clickmom uses humor to disguise pride and appear modest) and also that I had clearly done a lot of work, (which, YAS BITCH! I don't come to play!) and guys... It made me so uncomfortable. It was almost an overwhelmed feeling. I'll definitely mention it to her tomorrow. I think I may have just revealed another issue to work on. Like, really... I want to wrap this PTSD therapy up and feel like the world is ready to celebrate me.  I am not even kidding. Fuck. New fear unlocked: Its never gonna end. 

Recall that after I watched the documentary on mushrooms where the woman said she felt a sense of worthiness after taking mushrooms and a gigantic light bulb went off over my head and I shouted HEY THAT IS MY PROBLEM TOO! to anyone who would listen and all of my sweet friends told me how much they appreciate me and told me how extra worthy I am and it was so nice, but didn't change that empty spot inside and then I tried ketamine that one time and they overdosed me but after I stopped vomiting for 2 days and being angry for a few weeks, I felt freaking wonderful for months and it was great... but it didn't heal me because I went back to feeling regular and I am no longer satisfied with regular.

Well. 

I have not been feeling regular for a few days. I have been feeling kind of great and even though I am doing to the work and taking it very seriously it still seems kind of shocking to have results this fast.  We have had gorgeous weather here for a few days so I am not discounting the effect of that on my S.A.D. suffering self. I mean, I'll take it any way I can get it but I really hope this feeling is PTSD therapy related and not anything else. It's time to live my best life!

I would talk more about the therapy but it is a ridiculous amount of repetition where you are forced to answer the same questions about your experience, meaning the false beliefs you took away from your experience, and through the repetition of answering the same few questions in different forms over and over again you gradually lose your grip on the lies you have been living by. It's pretty amazing how this is working.