So. I am getting ready to participate in a special therapy for trauma survivors. It's based on therapies that are used in VA hospitals to treat vets.
How do I feel about it? ANXIOUS because I know that it's going to be emotionally grueling. I already had "the interview" for them to see if I was a "good fit." Hilariously it was only supposed to last 20 minutes, but after 35 minutes the lady on the other end said "Listen, I have to go do a session but we aren't done. You're definitely accepted but can I call you back later to finish up?" I am trying to learn the art of telling a story in a linear fashion without taking forever to get to the point. Hahaha. Eternal optimist reporting for duty. Place your bets folks! Can clickmom tell an abbreviated tale? The odds have yet to be published, some are hopeful others are laughing too hard to reply.
I am wondering if there is any way possible to do this without dredging up every painful memory I have because I just want to feel better without feeling worse first but I don't think that is how it's going to work. So, I am sitting here bracing myself. It would be easier if I could look into a crystal ball and see for sure how I would feel on the other end. Honestly, I am afraid it isn't going to work on me. That seems so silly sitting here before I have even jumped in and given it a chance. But I just want to cry because I am scared and this is scary. I will do it though and I have promised myself that I will be earnest in my efforts. There is no sense in wasting everyone's time. I will throw myself into this 100% no matter how shitty it feels between the beginning and the end.
Also, I feel like there were so many little trauma events that have stuck with me. Will I have to talk about them all? (whine whine whine) Do I just stick to the main characters? I might take out a legal pad and start making lists. But that seems like such an ugly thing to do. But then... wouldn't it actually be a good reference? I guess I am caught between feeling like it's a pragmatic way to approach this and how my parents would react to me making a list of hurtful actions. I guess that answers my question. Also the reason why I am in need of trauma therapy.
I talked to the latest therapist today. I told her that somewhere along the line I think I changed from the person who could be abused to the person who didn't take shit anymore. It may have started with nursing Marion. I had to nurse in public sometimes and I perfected the DO NOT EVEN TRY TO MESS WITH ME glare and it totally worked. I was thinking about the time I tried to schedule the flight so that I could nurse Marion right after takeoff so she would sleep the whole flight. Everything went smoothly until we got on the plane and she needed to nurse while we were still boarding. So, I began to nurse her and I gave "the look" to the passengers who were walking past me ( I had the aisle seat). Eventually a little old lady showed up and I could see her trying to figure out if my baby was nursing or not. She paused as she got to me and asked Are you nursing that baby? and I said Yes, I am. The old lady reached out her hand and patted me on the shoulder and said Good for you! and moved on. I wish my whole life went as smoothly as that.
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