I don't even know what to say because in all honesty, I feel every that every moment I spend doing normal things, like walking sweet pea, taking photos, or even hanging with friends, is just a moment that I am being kind of fake because if I were being real I would be screaming out of frustration right into the void while curled into the fetal position under 12 layers of blankets, hiding. The husband is doing poorly, sleeping more and more. He is barely eating and I am pretty sure that if our situations were reversed I would be camped out in a hospice somewhere with underpaid and under appreciated nurses take care of me while he just went on his merry way. (Who me, resentful? Duh)
What a mind f^ck this entire process has been, and the fact that the f^ckery just gets more and more outrageous... I would like to get off this ride, please. I know the only way I am getting off this ride is tragedy striking so that's a hard thing to say. But, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Today, in particular, I am feeling quite jealous of the combination of drive and freedom (along with talent) that allowed some of my photo friends to put their work out into the world, and get some recognition for all of their hard work. I'm over here making the work, always every single day thinking about the work, and living in a world where the work ranks pretty high on the daily priority list, but I have not been doing the marketing. I have to find a way to get my work out there, into the world, even if it is only to justify making more work, I want my work to be seen. Still trying to figure out if I really want to play the fine art world route or go to a volume mass art world direction. I wish there was a marketer I could hire who would have some instinct for what would serve my kind of work best. There are people who have worked out a system fro getting work into the world, but I am talking about someone really understanding/knowing where my piece fits into the puzzle of the world of art. Wondering.
Anyways, I'm really working on minimal juice here. I think it's mostly the fear that I feel every minute of the day. I am only getting what absolutely has to get done accomplished. It's been brutal.
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