My anxiety is through the roof.
Through
The
Mother
Fucking
Roof
I kind of feel like I should be medicated. Except we all know that medicated me would be unable to keep her eyes open, so NO MEDICATION FOR ME. I can do this. I can do this. ( I say on a loop in my head) I can do this. (Please believe yourself) I can do this (What choice is there anyways?) I can do this (Maybe the next person to run a stop sign will kill me) I can do this (I can't leave this messy house for the kids to deal with- just in case. I have to get on top of things) I can do this (I can't do this) I can do this (I don't want to do this) I can do this (0/10 Do Not Recommend) I can do this (I know I can. I don't want to, but I am going to come out the other end stronger just like I've been doing for the first 58 years) I can do this (Yup) I can do this (I can do this)
But I don't want to! (I can do this) The husband can barely get of bed most days these days. He is also barely eating. He just loses time, like on Sunday, when I heard him using the bathroom just after noon and I convinced him to get up and eat something since he had not been out of bed since Friday afternoon when he went to bed early after a tiring day with two doctor appointments. He finally learned to ask me what day it is before taking his medications from the weekly thing-a-ma-jig because there are some medications he does not take every day. I told him it was Sunday because he never got out of bed on Saturday and he looked at me, tilted his head like a German Shepherd trying to figure something out and said REALLY? in this fucking condescending gas lighting tone, which, UH YES REALLY! I witnessed the lack of a body in the family room recliner while sitting in the family room wondering if you were going to get the fuck up all day on Saturday so I could wait on you hand and foot, Mr. Puppy Head.
Living with a demented person is 24/7 gas lighting because even if they're having a moment where they seem completely lucid and normal it makes one wonder if sometimes they're faking it because they just don't want to interact or something. You (Okay, ME. It's ME who can not because I need consistency.) totally can not sit back and relax when the person who resembles the person I used to know shows up for a bit because I will not be caught with my guard down when he suddenly disappears once again. Fool me 87 times, shame on me! Right?
Also I started following a bunch of hospice nurses on social media and I feel like shit is getting real here. The sleeping, the loss of appetite, weight loss, it's all looking like something is brewing. I can do this. (What choice do I have?)
But, on a lighter note, I am terrified of becoming like the husband, like seriously terrified. Early on in this journey he often thought he saw someone outside of our house. He pretty much stopped telling me that he saw someone outside of our house when I told the doctor that he was having these hallucinations. I don't know if he is still seeing things or not. He actually can't really see for real, so that might impact his ability to even know if he is seeing a hallucination.. Or something? I don't know if its related, but he doesn't tell me anymore, except on a rare occasion. And back to me, sometimes out of the corner of my eye I thought I was seeing something in the kitchen when I sitting on the far end of the family room. Finally one day, I was standing in the kitchen and a mouse ran right towards AND BUMPED INTO my shoe. I screamed, a shockingly child like sounding scream, jumped and did some kind of weird convulsive looking move while in the air because ... in reality I was so fucking happy to see that mouse was a real thing and not a hallucination. So, I put out some mouse traps, caught it, and set it on the stone wall as an offering to any of my carnivorous backyard friends. It took someone 3 days to grab it, but that mouse did leave this world with some purpose. Then I started seeing what I thought were smaller figments of my imagination and I was like OH MY GOD I REALLY AM GOING NUTS which is probably why I am worried about the mess I would leave for the kids to clean out, and then today I saw one of those creepy looking water bugs, with 100 crazy looking feet run out of the kitchen. Good news.
I am convinced this house is haunted and can't wait to leave it. (That was crazy! No segue or anything!!)
Goodnight!
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