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TISMF

Oh my God I just had the craziest dream. This is how you know I went way off the deep end with my binge the last time because I don’t have detox dreams unless I’ve been really over the top and over the edge

It was my birthday and I was participating in some sort of get together. (Side note: my birthday is in February and it was beautiful out so I don’t know where I was) but I went to a gathering of people and I didn’t know everyone there but the person I did know had informed everyone it was my birthday and they all brought some kind of food with them to make a pot luck celebration. It was all exceptional looking. There was all the things I can’t eat. I had a moment of panic and decided that I’d fall of the wagon so as not to bring the party atmosphere down because these people showing up were all such kind and loving people.

I have a moment as another lovely human being enters the gathering room and I suppress a panic that I’m
in a room full of people without masks and I think to myself that I guess I’m doing this, taking a chance for the first time, and I pray no one is going to get me sick. Everyone is dressed really nice- I recall silk blouses. The kind that fall so nice on one’s body. But most of all everyone seems so genuinely happy to be there and I am struck by how nice it is to be around a group of people who are all fully present and engaged as well as happy and enthusiastic.

We were going to create some sort of impromptu play to perform in front of someone. So we start brain storming. I’m just going with the flow. Everyone else seems to know exactly what’s going on. But it’s all good because all of the people there are just sending off good vibes. I’m so happy to be surrounded by these people and have a moment of imposter syndrome.

Then it cuts to a scene where I’m walking down a rainy street with some of the party goers. I walk across a muddy patch and one of my shoes gets suctioned off my foot by the mud. I find the shoe, sunken into the mud, and panic about spending the rest of the time with a cold wet foot. But my companion is walking in a determined way, and doesn’t realize what has happened so I dig out the shoe, and then I wring out the shoe despite the fact that I’m next to a sneaker store, and magically my shoe is dry and comfortable when I put it back on. I am amazed and wondering if I finally got the place where the world is working in my favor.

Eventually we are on the sidewalk surrounding a big parking lot and pass John Krazinski and Jenna Fisher sitting with the windows open while parked in a big old pick up truck. I smile at him as I pass by because I’ve met him before but I don’t know if he remembers me. He smiles, obviously recognizes me (I’m so happy because I don’t look like a dumb fan girl now) and cheerily says hello and then he asks me if I will be in tonight’s performance.

I’m caught off guard because I had not realized that there would be an audience in attendance. They have come to see whatever it is I am oartic in. Wow! I wondered how big this would be. I fake being confident and pull it off. I smile at a Jenna fisher and explain where I had previously been introduced to John and tell her my name. She doesn’t have to tell me her name because DUH. Obvious!

I tell John the details of the performance and then feeling so positive about the interaction I bid them farewell and turn to walk away.

I’m still on the sidewalk but now there are others around me and also city things like garbage cans, and buildings and for some reason a rocking chair. I try to rearrange my bags I’m carrying and realize one is full of the most gorgeous fresh baked breads that someone must have brought to contribute to my party. I’m moving the breads from bag to bag, I’m not sure why. But whatever the reason, I’m Having trouble doing it, I sit in the rocking chair, I spill out one of the breads, become tangled in something, start to have anxiety, but the person I’m with returns and helps me to calm down and keep it perspective. Then we are walking again and I realize that I have the taste of good bread in my mouth. It tastes so good but reality sets in and with horror I realize that I have eaten some of the bread as I was transferring it

My thoughts immediately turn to how swollen and uncomfortable I will soon be feeling. It washes over me. REGRET! I’m so sad that I ruined whatever I was about to happen because now instead of simply drinking it in and enjoying it I will be feeling the pain of expanding gluten in my belly and inflammation more than anything else while merely going through the motions in what would’ve otherwise been probably a super enjoyable performance. And I know at that moment that I’m totally in my head and that I have sabotaged my own birthday celebration.

I wake up.

I can explain some of the aspects of the dream. Yesterday while at the dog park I met this beautiful well dressed young lady and walked with her for a little while and that’s why I think I was surrounded by all of these beautiful lovely people at my impromptu birthday celebration. Also I think it was my birthday because I’m so embarrassed to admit this but I watched the first episode of geezer bachelor last night and one of the women vying for the dudes attention it was her birthday and the guy gave her a cupcake. The show is disgusting I do not recommend it I will not be watching any other Episodes from this series. Also on a personal note the chance of me gathering with 20 other women to compete for the affections of a man that we don’t know is zero in this life and any other life I am forced to live (because I already decided I refuse to be reincarnated ever again. I don’t like the planet Earth)

anyway the very first time I went gluten-free (which is like 25 years ago already) I remember that on the fifth night I had dreams about eating a basket full of bread and here I am again

flapper

I am so proud of myself. Like SOOOOO proud. Like so so so so proud. Pat me on the back, folks! 

I had to get a plumber to fix one of the toilets. It just needed a new flapper because the water in the tank was constantly running and refilling.  Eventually I just turned the water off in that room, but then I'd forget about the toilet because its the bathroom that Josh uses, and then Josh would come home and I'd have to ask him to use a different toilet because the running water noise could drive me insane. Anyways, long story short: I finally got it fixed. And then, as luck would have it, (or more specifically MY LUCK) a few weeks later the toilet in my room stared to do the same thing.  FML, right?? I can't just turn the water off on that one! So, I have been calling the guy, and he keeps giving me excuses and then he was finally going to come and Josh was quarantined and I warned him so he didn't come whatever. I think he doesn't want to come for something as boring as a single toilet flapper. I have been keeping the lid off of my tank and having to first press the flapper down after every flush and eventually I had to start weighing the flapper down with a ceramic soap dish, it wasn't pleasant. I don't like sticking my hand into the toilet tank.

Finally I thought HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO REPLACE A FLAPPER? and I checked out some videos on line and it just seemed way too easy. So, I turned the water off on my toilet, removed the damaged flapper, confirming that it was warped and needing to be replaced, and brought it to the small local hardware store, you know, the kind that has a nice dude who helps everyone. He hooks me up with the right replacement. Came home and replaced that flapper like the bad ass bitch I am, even going as far as figuring out how to jerry rig a longer chain by using part of the chain I was removing when the chain on the new one wasn't quite long enough. It's freaking perfect and I haven't been this excited about something I did since I slipped Anna the little bottle of room spray I had in my pocket when she pooped at Peter's house.

My life is so boring right now that I will be coasting to sleep with a big grin on my face because I managed to fix my own toilet. The new flapper only cost $3.99 so the risk was literally less than a cup of coffee. Also, the thought of not having to hear the annoying sound of trickling water in the toilet tank followed by the whoosh of a water refill has lowered my blood pressure by at least 20 points.

I am fucking killing it. I love me today.

Also, I cut my own hair and now it's the perfect length. I won't discuss the massacre in the back of my head because I can't see it, but the sides and front are the chef's kiss of perfection.

 

season over

Oh my goodness.  It was a cold rainy day here and I haven't felt this bored since I was a kid. I can almost recall those days that felt like they were a week long, and now I have relived the experience. 1/10 Do not recommend.

The husband got out of bed twice today- once for a couple of hours, once for an hour. Then he went back in around 4:30 and I suspect he is out for the night. Normally I regale him with stories of whatever I have done that day, dogs from the woods, photos and the lengths I go to capture them, strange people from the grocery store, crazy drivers, etc....  Today, between sleeping sessions I told him how I thought my bipolar friend and I were done with being friends. She got super angry with me when I told her I did not want to meet her at a vegetable market because she just tested positive for covid on Monday, (today is Saturday) and it hasn't even been a week. I told her that I personally know 3 people who tested positive for 13 days with the latest variant and I didn't want to take a chance. She overreacted big time. And it's not the first time she has overreacted over my seemingly endless ability to hide from covid. 

Let me remind you that this is my pneumonia history. I had it at ages 2,10, 19 (this was double pneumonia along with a sinus infection and mono), 24, (walking pneumonia), 38 (also double pneumonia, I thought I was a goner more than once with this one) relapsing twice so 38/39, and 50. I'm pretty sure I forgot one. Also, more bronchitis than I can count, bronchiolitis, and RSV. You guys, these lungs are scarred and I don't want to throw anything at them that they might not be able to fight off. You know? Somewhere I got tired of saying I couldn't catch it and bring it home to the husband, which people seemed to be able to understand, but eventually people said things to me like, Well, he can't avoid it forever  AND it's annoying as fuck when I say I want to avoid it for my own sake and people try to persuade me that avoiding covid (with achilles heel damaged lungs) isn't important. Yeah, the ability to breathe is totally over rated. How am I surrounded by so many stupid people? Don't even get me started on long covid and all of the denial surrounding that. The goddess had covid in January and still can't smell! 

Anyways, it's one of those friendships where I am able to be her friend because I am super patient and tolerant... and despite her very recent overreactions to my personal requirements for self protection... despite all of the explaining I have done to help her understand where I am coning from on this, (and YES I do know that my extreme response to threat is a trauma response, but I can not undo my childhood trauma and I am fine with not getting covid- I am okay with dying, which would hopefully be quick, because I am not okay with suffering and therefore I am not okay with long covid) despite my attempts to light heartedly joke about my over the top self protecting response, she has the audacity to YELL at me when I politely take a pass on spending time with her (caveat: out doors, but this chick 1. wears old dirty stretched out masks ick ick ick and 2. Is one of those close talkers) when she is potentially actively infected and still contagious. Make. It. Make. Sense!  I have plans for some period of time where my own life gets to revolve around me and I am not there yet. I would like to get there and enjoy it for a while before checking out or becoming too sick with long covid to do anything about it. My choice! And it upsets her!! That's not friend behavior, is it? 

To be honest with you, when I see her name on the caller ID I have to take a deep breath and brace myself before answering and these days, with the husband doing so poorly (I know, he has been a wreck forever, this is nothing new, but it is getting worse and he seems to have a mysteriously deep well happening over there) my stress levels are already through the roof, this summer has been a major disappointment, I am trying not to let myself dwell on it and get down about it.

And I just don't have the emotional reserves for her kind of intensity right now. I do suspect that there might be a chance, that this is all coming from a place where she has decided she would  take chances with covid to live a normal looking life right now (She caught it at an event in NYC that turned out to be quite the super spreader) because she is the kind of person who desperately needs to be around other people, and she is interpreting my willingness to basically stay on lock down as some kind of judgement coming from me, rather than the genuine concern for myself and others that I actually have. (She is older than me by 15 years and in poor health) But you know, we are adults and I don't have time for her to lash out at me over her guilty conscience. (Did I mention that she spent the day with her brand new grand baby the day before she tested positive? I think she is already feeling quite guilty) It's the same thing that happens when women become mothers and make different parenting choices. Everyone thinks everyone else is judging them when we are all really just hanging by a thread trying to do the best we can. It's like high school when no one realizes that most of the other kids are so consumed with their own insecurities that no one is really paying attention to everyone else. But, it doesn't matter, because she was pretty angry, and I don't deserve that, and she fucking raised her voice at me, which, hahahah NOPE! so I'm hoping our little blow out today turns permanent. I know I wont be calling her any time soon. I hope she doesn't try to call me either. Correction: I am making this permanent. I'm done. Not participating in this any more.

If it's true that friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime then I guess this was one of those "friendship for a season"  people. Our season is over.

three posts from this week that I tried to email in that did not get posted

From today 

 

Story time!! Canoeing was a big part of the sleep away camp I was forced to go to as a kid. I really know my stuff. We used to go on canoeing overnight camping trips. In college I could fulfill my gym requirement by taking a one day canoe trip. Didn’t realize that almost everyone else was signing up for the class in pairs. So when we all piled out of the van and they told us to pair off it was me, a hackey sack guy (he was utterly useless) and a nerdy dork guy so the teachers told us to get into one canoe and take turns relaxing in the center seat. The best way we worked was with hackey sack guy doing nothing in the center, the dork in front and me in the back seat because I am excellent at steering. The water was really low and the other students were getting out and trying to carry their canoe on the outskirts of every little area of rapids because they were all afraid of getting stuck on the rocks. But not me and dorky guy! We decided that the best way through was right down the middle. We had a blast. He’d be paddling and watching for rocks yelling RIGHT RIGHT. LEFT LEFT and I’d be back there steering us through and it was the most fun I’d ever had canoeing. We found a 6 pack of beer that must have washed out of someone else’s canoe so we even had beer!

 

Now I have no idea how the two guys thought the day went but I was exhilarated. When we got back to school I told the nerd that I would happily go canoeing with him anytime and he looked at me like I was INSANE. But here I sit, almost 40 years later fondly remembering that one super fun day.

 

From 9/16

Oh my God I used to play Ray Charles ‘s duet album in my car all the time so much so that my kids knew it by heart. And one day driving around with them hahaha. Me and (then Matt) Marion sang one of the duets hahahaha.  You know, she was a theater kid and I think I can really sing so we’re going 100% committed.  Hahahaa. And after we sang it we were so happy and proud for a second hahahaha. When Evan, from the back seat says. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

 

“Well I guess I need therapy now.”

 

Hahahahahahahahahaha

 

From 9/14

(Background: earlier in the day we were discussing the mostly vegetarian diet of long living people in the blue zone)

Okay. I just realized this. All these wives are eating way more meat than they would feed themselves because they are cooking for their husbands and sons. How much you wanna bet that at some point research will show that women in long term same sex marriages live longer than women in long term heterosexual relationships????????

American women. Maybe possibly our generation more so than our kids though.

Definitely our Mothers and grandmothers.

Tuesday update

Sub Par doctor called me this morning to see how I was doing/feeling. I told him that the red splotch had continued to grow throughout the day yesterday and was from my arm pit to past my elbow but the bright light in the distance is that it seemed to be less swollen this morning and also bright pink instead of angry beet red. He said that if the arm was responding to the antibiotics that the likely culprit was a strep infection. I asked him if it was already on my skin or passed to me from the bee. He said on my skin, which eeewwww. He told me I needed to rest so my body could focus on healing itself. Except he said that as I was pulling my hiking boots on, and I really didn't have to think this one through, because a short walk in the woods (had already set a meet up time with Anna and Peter) would be so good for my soul, and I wanted to go to the woods, I needed to go to the woods, so I did go. I promised myself I'd restrict my walk to an hour. So, we walked for about an hour and a half, but that's fine. Anna has a toe injury anyways so we weren't booking it or anything, we took a leisurely stroll.

Got home, showered, it hurts less for sure, got the husband up, fed and ready for his frail nonagenarian level physical therapy workout. PT lady came to the house. It was weird, she obviously does not understand that the husband does not wander around the house during the day. She suggested he do some exercises at the kitchen counter, which, HELLO?? Are you fucking kidding me? The only reason that man might enter the kitchen is because he is hobbling back from the bathroom and wants to grab an ice cream from the freezer which is literally a single step from being on the way back to his recliner. She is young. She is clueless. It's frustrating. He isn't going to do the extraordinarily basic exercises she has been showing him anyways. She might be the only person who hasn't figured that out yet. 

Then I met a new friend for lunch. Did I tell you that I befriended my dental hygienist? I know, it seems weird. Probably the thing that allowed me to be bold enough to ask her if she ever got together with patients in the real world was knowing that my teeth are consistently not too dirty. If I had gross plaque covered teeth and squishy pale gums or something, I would not be able to look her in the face. Anyways, I realized how much I looked forward to chatting with her every time I go in to get my teeth cleaned and one day I asked her if she ever would grab a coffee with a patient and she said "Here's my number" and long story short, I have a new friend. Peanut is the one who gave me the courage to be (what feels like) so bold. 

So, my arm has calmed down A LOT today. It barely itches and the swelling is almost gone. Whew!! That fucking sucked. You know I was washing with antibacterial soap in the shower.

TISMF on Monday

I woke up this morning and my red swollen arm was even worse. Im in the ER trying to get a dose of intravenous antibiotics.

Every day it gets bigger and more red. The skin hurts.

Nope. I just got triaged. He said it definitely looks like an infection. Now we wait and see how ridiculously long this process takes.

You know I’m not a seriously ill patient because they just put me in the hallway.

I’m laughing at how ridiculous this is. I’ve suspected it was infected from the first day. Seems like this could have been avoided if either of the two doctors I talked to/saw took it more seriously.

Progress. The lady who double checks the paper work came by and asked me all of the same questions that the front desk lady asked.

I’ve been here about an hour. Just saw the ER doctor. He said that normally one would take oral antibiotics for 48 hours and if they didn’t work switch to intravenous. I told him that my doctor wanted me to come in for intravenous and then finish off with oral so he is going to call him. I like the ER doctor. They’re going to draw blood to make sure the infection hasn’t spread to my blood. I think I’m okay in that department. I don’t feel sick.

Normally I ignore low level pain but this hurts like a motherfucker

Yes. It’s not that uncommon to get infections after bee/wasp/hornet stings. I was googling last night

Okay! They just took blood and are going to get the antibiotics. ER doctor said he spoke with sub par doctor and they were in agreement. Interpret that to mean: sub par doctor told him to give me the IV antibiotics since he was negligent two days prior when he brushed me off without even really looking at the photo I sent him. (I know!) Not too bad. Everyone is super nice even though they are literally running from one place to the other. Seems quiet-ish in my hallway. Must be busier in one of the other pods

Yay! Just got the IV!!

I’m free! Heading back to the ranch! Wahoo!

I think the swelling has started subside. Just a bit. I just took the first oral antibiotic. Hoping I wake up with a happy surprise. Might have to get some voodoo candles to work on my luck.

TISMF on Sunday

So I drew a circle around the red swollen wasp bite on my arm last night and I woke up this morning and the red spot is about twice as big as the circle. At 9 o’clock I have to go to the urgent care. I think either there’s like a stinger stuck in there or it’s getting infected or I need a shot of Benadryl or some thing. I don’t know I woke up like four times in the middle of the night scratching and it’s really painful

So the weird thing is that the bites on my leg or just kind of a normal amount of red that you would expect to see you after getting a bug bite but the bite on my arm is out of control Huge.

Don’t remind me. I feel kind of stupid because as I’ve been photographing them this summer I noticed a ton of insect activity all around them which I attributed to their poor health from the beech leaf disease. I feel like if I had thought that one out at all I would never have touched it but I was clearly not thinking that one through

This morning it was about 3 times larger than it was yesterday, wrapping it self around my arm like a stylish bad ass upper am cuff except it was miserable hot, red, swollen and Fucking painful.

I took myself to urgent care. She prescribed a steroid cream and said that good old brain barrier crossing Benadryl works better for something like this. I had to ask her to see if there was a stinger stuck in my arm There was. She removed it. She said I should go to pharmacy, go home, cream and Benadryl up and take a nap. That sounded like a great plan!

Exiting the urgent care I saw that the skies had opened up. It was pouring. I was very close to home so I my plan was to go home, wait for the text from Walgreens telling me that my prescription was ready, pick it up with the Benadryl and follow her instructions right into bed. Except the call didn’t come so I finally called Walgreens and they said they did not get the prescription. So I called the urgent care and they sent it to the wrong pharmacy and said she would resend to Walgreens. An hour later I get the text from Walgreens saying that I can’t get a refill so soon. What? I call W pharmacy. My insurance doesn’t know that I don’t want to go to the other pharmacy. So I decide to bite the bullet and go the obnoxious C pharmacy because it was just freaking faster at that point and I was about one thin pain level from writhing in pain and screaming out loud (exaggerated for effect. I’m totally stoic)

I got the stuff, came home applied and swallowed the stuff and decided to walk Lu before the B kicked in and I almost made it. The last five minutes of my walk was hilarious because all of a sudden I felt as if I was walking through warm thick mud.

So, I just showered, refreshed the cream and am about start slicing and icing some vegetables for dinner. I’ve got another small corned beef on the stove and it should be done any minute now. I’m having a hard time keeping my eyes open

It’s pouring. Lightning and thunder and Husband announces “I need a shower” I tell him it’s not a good idea to shower during a lightning storm. He thinks I’m crazy. I asked Siri. She confirms. He still thinks I’m making it up.

Can you even imagine a lightning strike being the thing that takes him out???

I keep saying that I worry about a million different things and that I just know it’s going to be something I had not thought about that does him in eventually.

TISMF on Saturday (expanded)

Well. In a strange twist to my normal zen relationship with mother nature, nature decided to maybe kill me today. First, I’m chatting with Anna and a guy named Jay when we hear CRACK CRACK, it’s super loud and fast- look to the side and see a huge tree falling towards us. Every leaf in the canopy is shaking and I think to myself “I can’t tell how tall that tree is or how far we are from it” I go running up the hill away from it and the dogs run past me. I’m glad to see all the dogs running away in the same direction as me. I figure their instincts are probably spot on. Jay hides behind a big tree.(Anna had wandered off looking for mushrooms.) The tree came crashing down, bringing a second tree with it and breaking into pieces. The top of the tree stopped just short of the path. Anna took a photo from the base of the tree of me and my bad posture examining the top of the tree that tried to kill me. It was a tall Bastard. Everyone was fine.

I was SHOOK!! My heart was pounding. I was covered in super tight goosebumps. Other dog owners came running down the hill thinking we might need help. No one got hurt. Thank goodness. Clearly, I was more SHOOK than anyone else present. They were all ready to continue right on walking and chatting.

The first thing Anna said to me once we started walking again was “and you’re afraid to come on a windy day! There is no wind today!” Thanks, Anna. I needed more reasons to be consumed with worry!! My life is already a never ending trauma response. I don’t need more things to be afraid of.

Then, about half an hour later, we are off trail looking for mushrooms when we pass two glorious large beech trees and I jokingly hug one and tell it to stay strong and not to succumb to the beech leaf disease that is taking all the beech trees when I think “Who is screaming?” And I realize it’s me. I’m screaming. My outer thigh and inner bicep are on freaking fire because fucking bees are swarming and biting me. I slap the bee off my thigh and then I manage to crunch up the bicep bee with my shirt. (Haha die asshole!!) And we continue walking. And I feel PAIN. OH MY GOSH. It hurt so much, as if the bees were still stinging me. And I kept saying IT STILL HURTS SO MUCH. WHY DOES IT STILL HURT SO MUCH?

And we met up with our friend Liz. And then Anna left. But I was feeling guilty about not giving sweet pea enough walking lately so I told Liz I’d double back and walk with her. We walked for about an hour when I told her I thought my arm might be swollen. It felt like when you put on a sweater and your sleeve gets pushed up and bunches up under your arm. Liz said “I’ve been watching your arm swell up. You need to go home and take care of it.”

So I went home, took a photo of a red swollen patch about 4 inches long on my inner bicep and emailed my sub par doctor who said to take allergy meds and ice it. So that is what I did. It burned and stung all day. Before I went to sleep I outlined it with a pen. I was pretty sure it was growing.

TISMF we are back here again

Today, I saw a scrape on top of his head and I said THERE’S A SCRAPE ON THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD. DO YOU KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE? and he rolled his Fucking eyes before telling me that he fell last night and just went back to bed.

Ummm…..

The dude is on blood thinners. I’m supposed to immediately take him to the ER if he hits his head.

He can’t be in charge of himself. It’s like leaving a disabled toddler alone.

TISMF who asked a loaded question

Yo! Sister! What’s it like having him home? Are you sure you want to go down that road? You know I’m going to honest with you.

When he got back on Wednesday he went straight to the recliner and stayed up until 10. Very normal. We had a big fight before going to bed because he was trying to take his back brace off while sitting in the recliner in the family room and I made him wear it until he got back to the bedroom and sat on the bed. He kept screaming I’M GOING TO BED! and I screamed back TAKE IT OFF WHEN YOU GET TO THE BED, DUDE! YOU NEED TO WEAR IT WHILE WALKING DOWN THE HALL and in the end no one can out scream me so I won the argument and he wore it down the hall. Use of the word DUDE really startles old white men. Very useful tip! But jeezus Chreest. He never had any common sense but now it’s hard to imagine that he used to seem so intelligent.

Then when I told him that I’d go out early with the dog and hopefully be back by the time he got up he Fucking laughed at me, like he is the original early bird. As if I don’t know him! Back when we were in our mid-20’s I used to take our dogs to Central Park, hang out for hours with all of the dog people, come back to our apartment and wake him up so we could go out for a late lunch. Hello? Like it was HILARIOUS to think that he would possibly sleep past 8:30 but he promised me he would stay in bed. So, anyways, I got a nice two hour walk in and came back, did some dishes, made myself something to eat, took a shower, and finally had to wake him up at 12:30 because a visiting nurse was coming at 1. He was glaring at her the whole time, clearly annoyed that someone wasn’t playing along with his game of THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE. He got super irritated when she asked him if he ever broke anything else from falling and he shook his head and said NO and I piped right in with his broken (and now deformed) collar bone and torn rotator cuff. I even forgot about his concussion. Lots of glaring over that. Then by 3:30 he went back to bed “for a nap” even going so far as to set the alarm on his original sin fruit watch to wake him in an hour. Would not get up for dinner, evening medications, drinking water, nothing. I can’t force him. I’m not going to force him.

This morning he got up on his own around 8:30, I helped him shower and dress and took him to wound care where he glared again when the nurse was getting conversational with me - for some bizarre reason he hates it when I tell people how the other wound care doctor wouldn’t listen when I told her the wound smelled and how this doctor immediately cultured it and found a staph infection. I think it’s a great story to tell because these are her colleagues and I’m literally saving “Dr W saved his foot, maybe even his life” I can only imagine why he hates that story. The smelly foot aspect? The danger of infection making him seem vulnerable? The sound of my voice? Inferiority complex from thinking about the very capable doctor? All the reasons?

So, anyways, he got back on the first day and wanted to eat and eat and eat because he has barely eaten for a month. Also he is pretty unsteady, forgot how to do things like work the TV remote, or use the device that tells the heart failure specialist if he is retaining water, and of course, he is living in his own special reality so it’s been 29 hours of gas lighting and being on high alert.

It’s great that I do not have to drive to the rehab every day though.

It’s gonna be a long winter.

I’m okay. Really. It’s my current normal and I’m pretty used to it by now.