I just can’t stop replaying the accident in my mind guys. I’m the blue car and the dude who hit me is the red car. I wanted to type out a longer version of what happened because I feel like it is so much more than him hitting me. So I asked a couple of friends if they would be interested in hearing the story again and they both gave me the green light to send novel length texts. Here we go …….
TISMF: So. Now that I’ve had a week to think about the car accident and replay it in my head a thousand times so that I can understand precisely how it happened I have some thoughts- both technical and spiritual and I’d like to share it with you. Are in the mood to receive a very long and detailed text this afternoon?
The first thing I’ve been obsessing about is the half a second from when I saw the car encroach into my field of vision until when my car stopped the 1/4 spin. Now, I remember this fraction of a second as if it was a slow motion clip from my favorite movie that I’ve seen dozens of times and know every single detail of. Also, great operatic sound track. The first of the slow motion is my brain registering what the color in my peripheral vision is. (It’s the “ooh fast” car from down the block) I know in every cell of my body I’m going to get hit before he hits me. But this knowledge feels different from any other knowledge because I feel this knowledge in every cell of my body. Then I register the feeling of pressure against my right side because the centripetal force has slammed me against the door. I hear the words HOLD ON and I even reflect on how much comfort comes woven into those words. The intonation was the key. It was the perfect- all-knowing-speaking to me. Like a prophetic whisper from god type of comfort. Like “the universe has my back” level of comfort. I, in a calmness that I can only dream of attaining in my conscious life, think to myself I AM GOING TO BE OKAY. I WILL STAY CALM. And I feel as if I’ve been embraced by a warm soft boneless being that is present just to keep me safe.
All that- in the time it took for impact and spin.
Then it all stopped. And I am looking through the front window of the car. I scan myself from head to toe and nothing really hurts. Okay, my scalp hurts. It feels like rug burn. I touch to see if there is wet blood. No blood. No bumps.
Stay tuned for part two. Princess needs his foot bandages changed.
Okay. I’m back. I forgot one detail: when I saw the other car and I knew what was about to happen I thought… SHIT!
So, now I’m sitting in the car, it has just come to a halt. I notice that the car is still working- the dashboard is lit up. I put it in park. Then I decide that it might be better to turn it off in case of fire or something and I turn it off.
I’m glancing out the window and I see the ridiculous sight of the guy who hit me trying to get out of his car and a white dog jumping out onto the street with no leash on. I can’t be concerned with him. I think to myself “Did I really think SHIT before he hit me? Why didn’t I think FUCK, that would have been so much more appropriate?” I go back and forth between the synesthetic sensory experience between thinking SHIT and FUCK exploring the way each one feels, looks and sounds on all of my senses. Then I realize I need to focus.
I see my phone in the phone holder and decide I should call for help. I carefully weigh the level of emergency and choose the non emergency number for this town’s police. The first time I call I’m shaking so bad that I accidentally disconnect myself. On the second turn I shook so hard I pressed the wrong number. The third time I got through and told the woman which corner we were on and that someone had just struck my car. She asked me if I needed an ambulance. I said “I don’t think I need an ambulance” but I could hear the sound of confusion in my answer. So I continued “How do you know if you need an ambulance?” “I don’t think anything hurts” and finally, (there is a part of me that hears myself and knows how confused I sound) she says “I am going to send an ambulance” and in her tone I can hear that she isn’t sure that I am okay. I wonder how hard I hit my head and I feel this complete acceptance that I might not be okay. I don’t argue with her. I actually want an ambulance to come and check me out.
Then the driver appears at my car door. I open the door because the car is turned off and the windows are stuck in the up position. I tell him
I’ve already called the police. He seems shocked that I would have called the police and then he starts talking and it is not making sense and I can’t tell if if my brain is not okay or if he just doesn’t know he drove into me at a high speed and caused this crash. I just stop listening to him, because he isn’t making sense, I turn my head away and he throws up his hands and walks back to his car.
The next thing I know the fire truck pulls up behind my car and this really young healthy looking tallish fireman is talking to me and I feel a little like I am looking at someone from the hot fireman calendar and I can’t disguise it. He asks if I’m okay and I say to him “Should I get out of the car to see if I can stand?”
SMACK MY HEAD
Whatever chemicals that get released when a girl is about to be plowed into by a Honda CRV Fucked me up! At this point in time my perceptions went from slow motion to fast forwarding. Ambulance, cops and tow trucks all showed up. I just kept telling everyone over and over “He was going so fast. I saw him far away and the next thing I knew BAM” everyone was super nice to me and I could tell that I was getting the kid glove treatment and I could tell that I didn’t seem 100% okay. I just stood there watching the people take care of everything. I didn’t do anything unless someone asked me to do something. The cop said “Do you think you could take the dog out of the car and stand with her?” before they dragged the broken to bits car onto the tow truck. I was like “Sure” and I got her out and I stood there with her. Some time passed and the cop asked me “Do you think the dog would sit nicely in the police car?” I said “Sure” and we put her in the police car. And then finally the cop asked me if there was someone that I could call to pick me up and drive me home. I said “No, I’m the one who takes care of everyone. I have to get home to my disabled husband but I can walk.” He said he wasn’t going to let me walk and he would drive me home as soon as possible.
I realized I was shaking and I thought it was part of the trembling because I had been trembling since the accident but when he got me back to the house I realized I had been standing around for almost an hour and a half! And it was getting cold out because the sun was pretty much down when I walked into the house.
Now. In my mind I’ve been going over and over the crash because I wanted to understand how it happened. I don’t know why I was concerned about the other driver being assigned 100% of the blame because it was pretty freaking obvious what happened. But anyway, I’ve been running the data through my head for a week and what I have realized is that not only did Mr CRV fly through the stop sign without even slowing down … I also realized that he must have also been drifting into the oncoming traffic lane because when my car stopped it was still on the street- as in, I was pulled forward enough that the front of my car was likely crossing the lane of traffic facing our CRV driver. I will include a map for you. Let draw it out.
Ever since that night he hit me I have had this feeling of concern for that driver. I think there’s something really wrong with him and I hope his family called the doctor and said “Hey, can we run some tests on grandpa? He got in an accident and we think maybe he wasn’t driving safely.” The question is Do I find out this dude‘s name and try and talk to someone? I mean it sounds so weird to be like “Hey don’t say anything that might incriminate you, because I might sue, but your dad crashed into my car the other day and I really have this psychic feeling that he’s having some kind of health problems that may have caused the accident and you should probably take him to a doctor.” I know that really sounds weird. But I really have this feeling that the guy is not OK and if I have the feeling then maybe it would be my responsibility to say something. Ugh. I don’t know what to do. I’m gonna draw a map of how I think the cars were at the moment of impact
(See above)
These are the things that are sticking with me about the accident:
1. I have really had to consciously absolve myself of the responsibility for that accident. When I saw the Honda in the distance I knew he was going super fast- and I even thought how he would have to slam on his brakes at the stop sign. But I proceeded anyway and got hit. Was it his legal obligation to stop for the stop sign? Yes, but there is a part of me that always takes the blame for everything that keeps going back and forth to my premonition and wondering why I didn’t just stay stopped until I was sure of what he was going to do.
2. Trying to work out the exact placement of our cars at the moment of impact that makes sense. I don’t know why my brain keeps going back here.
3. The feeling that a guardian Angel held me and said HOLD ON because I can’t describe the comfort and knowledge that I was not going to be killed or even seriously hurt because it was something I felt in every cell of my being, and in that split second moment I knew this was a different feeling than any other knowledge or belief that I had. Probably because there wasn’t a single drop of doubt involved in knowing I’d be okay. Also, that I felt “held” and protected during the most violent part of the car moving.
4. Wanting to contact this guys family for that feeling that something bigger was wrong with him when he sped down that street and ran the stop sign - I have recently figured out- while on the wrong side of the street.