Buckling down

I’ve been struggling to come up with inspiration to photograph. I feel myself doing that thing that I do when life gets intense, which is to just turn myself inwards and hyper focus on just what is immediately in front of me. I recall the time when my sweet baby Josh started to crawl and suddenly I was pulled in one more direction than I could handle and I made that conscious decision to make my world super small until I had the emotional and mental room to let more stuff in. I lost a few friends at that very time. I’m sometimes sure it was because they interpreted my behavior as aimed towards them rather than me being overwhelmed. At least that’s one of my guesses. It was also at that same time that the husband’s personality began to swing towards the angrier (commence delicately worded downplay) side and I suppose some of my friends could have been reacting to that. He was off putting. I’ll never know because they all ghosted me rather than address whatever they were seeing. I only really miss one of those friends. I wonder what he is up to. He has no social media presence.

Anyway, I am feeling that urge to shrink my world, look in, hyper focus, and just hold my breath until the time is right to come up for air again. But there is also this other tiny little voice bubbling up in my head that is strongly urging me to keep one foot on both sides of the fence. My gut is telling me that it is critical right now that I do not fully submerge myself in the care and protection of the husband. Maybe it’s the advice of every single person who understands my situation coming through. I can’t tell you how the knee jerk reaction of everyone from friends to professionals has been “What are you doing for yourself?” and “You have to accept help.” which, if you’ve you known me for more ten minutes, you’ll know is not my natural tendency. Once upon a time an ex therapist told me that I have to learn how to accept people’s constructive criticism . She rightfully pointed out that I’m not always the best listener. Maybe these suggestions have been said to me so many times that it was like when the millionth customer checks out at a store and the balloons get released and confetti falls from the ceiling except in this scenario the celebration is actually me finally listening to all the people who lovingly want me to take care of myself as well as my family.

So, enough spring has been in the air that I can feel my winter blues leaving. It feels fantastic. The quality of the sunshine this week has been just stellar. It’s been restorative. So I picked up my camera today and captured some of the activity in the backyard I’ve been looking at. I will not lose myself.

This morning I had to wake the husband up to take some antibiotics. He rolled over, looked out past me and asked where his older brother was. He said he thought for a moment that he was in his childhood room and even tried to tell me that his childhood room was arranged similarly to the room he has been sleeping in. To be honest, I had searched for signs that death was drawing near during that month when he wasn’t really eating and seeing your relatives that have passed over is a sign so I was a bit frightened that he had been possibly engaging with his brother while he slept. I’ll never know.

Speaking of the husband’s brother, it was the anniversary of his death a couple of weeks ago. I mentioned that fact to the husband who for half a second seemed shocked to find out he had passed and then in disbelief that 6 years have passed since he passed. I don’t think he believed me. It must feel insane to not recall important parts of your life. I am trying to not stress the husband out with the things he can’t remember so I will try not to talk about his brother. I still miss the guy. Im feeling like my feelings have to take the back seat though. No one really knew we had developed such a friendship the last couple of years. Everyone else was at work when were hanging around with our puppies.

I’ll be pushing myself to stay engaged. Stay tuned.