clickmom

Circular driveway

When I was house hunting to find a house in new town I saw one house that had a 1/2 bath on the main floor that had a black sink and toilet with some sort of metallic print wallpaper. I pretended to laugh at it’s dated-ness but secretly I wanted that house and had no plans whatsoever ever to change anything in that glorious bathroom. I think if I ever get to move to a fixer upper I would like to have some over the top bathrooms. My friend has a small guest bath that has an entire mural wall of hand made jewel colored ceramic leaves. Not only would I do that to my own house but I would buy myself a kiln and painstakingly hand make each and every leaf for that house. Because isn’t that kind of thing so much better when you make it yourself than when you pay someone else to do it for you?

Speaking of looking for new houses….. or just houses…. the husband does not recognize this house in new town, our only house, as the house we live in. He keeps asking me why we are here and not in our real house. I don’t even know what to say to him. I’m not sure what house he thinks is our real house. He keeps talking about a circular driveway (I got nothing) and then about how the garage of our real
House is in the back of the house. (Stepford?) But the people we sold the Stepford house to completely redid (RUINED) everything in that house from the floors to the bathrooms to the lighting so even if I brought him there he might not recognize the house. At least he wouldn’t recognize the inside of the house. And also, I don’t want to go to Stepford or see the travesty that was brought upon our beautiful home.

But panic is simmering at a low level inside of me. While being completely apathetic has had a bit of a benefit for him since he doesn’t seem to recognize how diminished his existence has been, this next level of dementia , I can tell is not going to be as gentle. Because he doesn’t understand what is happening and I see him trying to work it out in his head, milling things over and over again, as if eventually I will laugh and bring him to the house with the circular driveway and the garage in the back and it will all have been a big prank and everything will be just fine. Except that’s not real and now I have to find a way to do that dance where his world is even less based in reality than it has been and I have to soothe him while staying steadfast in this reality. It’s a very gas lighting type situation.

Also, the husband lost his wedding ring. I’m pretty upset about it. Mostly because he would be more upset about it if he didn’t have dementia. It was his Dad’s wedding ring and it’s engraved from his mother to his father. And he wore that ring every single day. So, it’s super sad and disappointing. I don’t have any idea when he lost it. I’ll keep an eye out around the house though. It would be fantastic if I could find it.

TISEvan

(I sent Evan a TikTok that mentioned the DARE program and asked him if recalled how much he loved it as a kid. He replied that he did not recall that. Oh my. That’s one of those memories that make me smile. Here’s what I told him:)

Are you kidding?? You would leap out of bed and get ready in record time because you didn’t want to be late for it. You would look forward to that day of the week every other day of the week. Then one day I was helping out with finger prints at Josh’s school and the cop says to me “I think I have your son in my DARE class”. Dude. He knew how enthusiastic you were. Hahaha. Hahaha. Hahaha. Oh my god. You were such a little character. Now I’m filling up with extra love for you. I hope you feel it.

Favorite

Sometimes I wonder DO I HAVE A FAVORITE KID? and the honest truth is that I don’t think I do. Truth is that with such a large age gap it’s never been fair to compare the kids, even now, technically they’re all adults, but Josh is still in college, so, not that kind of adult and I don’t see how I could even choose between a kid who is only halfway out of the nest and an almost 30 year old. (Shocking!!)

But even if I think about how I felt about all three kids when they were Josh’s age it still fells pretty equal to me. Maybe they are all equally independent? I don’t know. If I do have a favorite someone else would have to point it out to me. I don’t think I do. That’s why when I tell each they’re my favorite I’m technically not lying. In the moment each kid is my favorite. Probably the one face to face with me is my favorite. I don’t know. I’m just so grateful that I can stand back and see what kind of people they’ve evolved into and know that I truly like all three of them. I guess I’m feeling a bit of the gratitude tonight. At least in the kid department. I told the editor yesterday (I think it was her…) that my kids never had tantrums. And that’s the truth too! I know people don’t believe me when I say that. I know when I tell people we didn’t have terrible twos, or threes that they all think I’m lying. Only I’ll know for sure and what I know for sure is that I was in the fucking zone and my kids didn’t have tantrums. Patting myself on the back.

I hate this covid world. I’m full of anger over the utter failure and irresponsibility of our governments as well as the individual people. I would 100% find another civilization if that was even an option. Even if covid disappeared tomorrow I’m pretty sure this sense of disappointment in humanity would linger with me until the end of time.

Nothing but joy

So, I really like the husband’s eye shot doctor. He’s adorable. Once, I was saying I would throw myself a disco party if I was going to throw myself a party and he walked in and I asked him if he would come to my hypothetical disco party (if it weren’t a pandemic) and he said “Sure! I’d have to watch some YouTube videos to prepare myself but I’d be into it.” Then he faked a disco move. Are you kidding me? Is that not the attitude we are all looking for in a partner? Willing to learn and have some fun?

And basically I have adored that man and his spirit ever since. I want to see if he has parents and if he doesn’t I’ll volunteer to be his surrogate mom. His wife had a baby in august and I asked how the baby was. He told me they’re being so careful that the baby had only met 5 people other than him and his wife. I knew I liked the guy. Covid cautious and willing to learn some disco moves for my party??? Are you even serious?? I saw photos of his wife. She is drop dead gorgeous. I hope she is as wonderful as he is. I hope they are deliriously happy and stay that way forever. I hope their baby brings them nothing but joy.

TISMF only edited

Okay. I just need to vent. I walk sweet pea almost every day with a !!!!!! and !!!!!! woman who is a !!!!!! friend and today she really set me off. I just can’t think of a gracious way to distance myself from her. There was another !!!!!! woman there too. Two !!!!!! And !!!!!! women who apparently don’t possess critical thinking skills.

Had a very discouraging discussion today with the two women that I honestly don’t think I can continue to be friends with. Have you heard of “Immunity debt” as a concept that explains why so many kids are filling up pediatric hospital units right now? Kids are getting extra sick because their immune systems aren’t functioning because they haven’t been sick lately? WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK?? It’s total bullshit. First, no one knows exactly why so many kids are critically ill right now but the two theories that make the most sense are that more kids just happen to have RSV right now because they weren’t catching it the last two years of being Covid cautious, and the other theory is that because it is estimated that 85-90% of kids have had covid (many kids went undetected because they were asymptomatic) that those kids are now immune compromised due to having had covid and sicker than they would have been had they not had the fucking plague. I am about to lose my mind over this bullshit conspiracy theory lunacy regarding “immunity debt”. It is astonishingly stupid because that isn’t even remotely how our immune systems work.

I’m going to have two friends left by the time this ordeal is over. You’re one of them. I can’t stand selfish stupid people who don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves.

Also, “I’m over it” is my winter 2022/3 trigger phrase. I will go into attack mode. Red flag. Red flag. No one is more “over it” than I am and very few have been as careful so anyone out there eating in restaurants, going to parties, shopping, theater, getting mani-pedis all without masking up can go jump off a cliff as far as I’m concerned. You don’t get the privilege of being “over it” when you’ve half assed it the last few years. No room in my house for plague rats. I’m so irritated. These !!!!!!!! are ruining my favorite thing- hiking in the dog park with sweet pea.

She asked me “are you pissed at me?” today. I said NO. I lied, kind of. I’m not pissed as much as I am thoroughly disappointed on a humane level. It shows an amount of callousness and insensitivity that clearly the majority of people are walking around with, but FUCK how are so many people so selfish??

I just don’t know what I’m going to do about walking with these two. Obviously they aren’t going to mask up since they’re “over it” and I am not interested in walking beside a plague rat.