Crazy

Haha. Last night I wanted to write a post before I went to sleep. So I wrote this on my phone. I can email a post into Typepad, but I was so devastatingly tired that I emailed it to myself. Haha. Luckily I spotted it in the dozens of crap emails that I get these days. Here is what I said last last night:

For a little bit I was thinking the kettlebell experiment was wearing off. I still felt good I just wasn’t feeling that same exuberantly good. But a couple of days ago something shifted and the exuberance part slipped back in. Hard. It was gradual enough that I could notice the increases but fast enough to have only needed a few days to get me right back in that feel good frame of mind. I dunno. I think I’ve gotten a lot of validation in a few different scenarios and that might be helping.

Now, I’m writing this as I bask in the glow of a completely lovely evening spent with my whole family and some lovely friends. And I don’t deny that I haven’t been increasingly excited over the past week or so, just thinking about tonight. It’s my very first social real life with people extra/not in the dog park thing I’ve had in over 2 1/2 years! This world sucks.

But still this is a legit happy content thing that is in me and changing/morphing/clamoring to get out. I can’t believe the experiment is still channeling my energy around after all this time. That’s so crazy. I am happy with the changes.

I better not get covid this week.Fingers crossed.

The end.

This morning I had a different topic to share. It is inspired by the following text I sent my one friend who also battles food/eating demons and who magically shares most of my food allergies/intolerances:

“So. I really want to share with you my feelings about all the food I can’t/don’t/shouldn’t (because they make me feel bad/sick)eat and this very different holiday.”

First, my shrink says that the word should/shouldn’t is a dangerous word to use because it is very easily attached to someone else’s expectations and also shame. (My interpretation/ take away from all that therapy). I get what he meant. Often times I find myself searching for a more specific/meaningful substitute for the word and it is an interesting exercise in speaking and even thinking with clarity and intention. I got lazy and used the word anyway. I’m currently having that annoying allergic allergy ITCHING sneezing ITCHING runny nose ITCHING watery eyes ITCHY EARS thing that I’ve been getting intermittently since last winter. I might have to get allergy nose spray. This thing is nuts. And it’s making me rush through this as I squint through my watery eyes to see and try not to accidentally touch anything on the screen while I move through my allergic sneezing fits.

Anyways….. Prior to TGiving I was feeling anxious about thanksgiving food abundance and decided ahead of time that I’d give myself permission to really enjoy whatever food I wanted for one day and then hop right back onto the wagon. I ended making this insane caramel pumpkin ganache pie that I needed to start two days ahead and also fudge because for some reason I really had a craving for fudge. There was quite a bit of bowl/spoon licking during preparation. So I pretty much started tasting and eating milk and sugar on Tuesday. Did I notice anything? Yes. Knee pain and heavy legs. But anyways, it wasn’t crippling or anything even too bad, the big day was yesterday. I ate everything I wanted to eat and I did not eat a ridiculous amount of food. I did eat allergic food, sugar and grains, but even for one of the things I was really fantasizing about, which was pastry twists with fruit preserves in them, I sat down, ate a small amount and thought “I’ve had enough”. This is NOT my standard delicious food reaction. It was surprising. It was WHO AM I? AND WHO IS CONTROLLING THE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD? level confusing. I went with it, knowing that this could work to my benefit form the rest of my life if somehow this would be my new normal. IS THIS THE NEW ME? I hope so. It was strange to feel satisfied. Is this how other people feel? That feels crazy to me.

What I didn’t feel: I wasn’t feeling a sense of urgency to quickly gobble up a huge amount of pastry to fill some kind of unnamed internal void. Also, this is something unconscious, but I’m pretty sure that more typically I don’t even think about stopping eating until I feel physically unwell from eating too much. Like, the heaviness of overeating, or the numbness, or even the stomach pain of overeating is the thing that stops me. I’m never really satisfied.

Yesterday I didn’t need to eat until I got to the pain point- ever in the whole day. Not for appetizers, not for the dinner and not even for the desserts. Yesterday eating was redefined for me. Will it stick?? Lord I hope so! Afterwards I was trying to get people to take as much food away as possible and I said “I’m not going to eat that tomorrow. It has sugar in it/I’m allergic to it.” And somehow I knew that I would wake up today and start eating healthier again. So, no huge emotions, don’t need super human amounts of willpower and determination. I set a perimeter for myself and I’m going with it. My brain is in a really good place right now.

This morning I ate a turkey drumstick and some sweet potatoes for breakfast. There is some brown sugar on the sweet potatoes but I didn’t take any marshmallows.

I’m feeling this happy peace over sliding back into good eating.