clickmom

TISMF yesterday and today

Need to vent. Then I’m going to go walk the dog.

Holy Fucking moly. I took the husband to the wound care center for his weekly visit yesterday and they wanted to change his number of bandage changes from twice a week to three times a week because I, THE ONLY ONE WHO EVER GOT CLOSE TO HIS WOUND WITHOUT A MASK ON TOLD THEM IT IS FUNKY SMELLING and put they put in an order with the visiting nurse service for the visiting nurse and when they called me from the visiting nurse service I said that husband had a physical therapy appointment and a doctor appointment on Thursday and that we would need to work around that and then the visiting nurse told me that I could handle it myself WITH FUCKING ATTITUDE and I said that I could. Because I can and because he who doesn’t control his diabetes has been having foot ulcer issues on his feet that I have handled for him since we lived in Stepford and then this morning I got a call from the wound care center and she basically told me that I had no experience and was not qualified and fuck I just spent the last 20 minutes on the phone trying to get this sorted out and only left voice mails for a bunch of people. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. The level of insulted I feel right now by this woman who has no idea what my history of taking care of Mr. Denial and his many illnesses is through the roof. But I’m not gonna argue with her because fuck it let her send a nurse who is less qualified and LESS EXPERIENCED WITH MY MENTALLY ILL HUSBAND than I am come in here and pretend to take of him. Let them try to get answers from my psycho death wish “nothing wrong with me” ball and chain life force sucking husband. I’ll step back and they’ll fucking kill him because he won’t tell them the truth and only I will know what’s going on. Fuckers. Arrogant fuckers.

I
AM
SO
ANNOYED

It’s not even that “I have been through so much”, it’s that I have nursed him through so many other foot ulcers and even the 2nd degree burns and that I am fully capable- IMHO more capable than the nurses who don’t understand his limitations and ease of lying. Also, I’m here almost 24/7. If something goes south on this wound it’s gonna be me who figures it out anyway. I hate being Fucking underestimated.

Also, now, it appears I most definitely have a resident skunk. Dammit. Went outside with sweet pea early last night around 7:30 and walked towards the back of the yard. Saw it COMING TOWARDS US on my way back to the house. Thankfully sweet pea can’t see for shit in the dark so when I took off running towards the back door and calmly called her to follow me she did so. I was never so sure she was about to get blasted. How long can this luck last? I mean, just a week ago she was running in circles around it barking and it didn’t blast her. I better stock up on peroxide. Might need a Costco sized bottle. Can you imagine if we both get blasted??? Oh my god. You’d have to put me in a drug induced coma until the stank wore off. There might not be enough peroxide in the world to help me through that.

But that’s the second time it came towards us. Does that mean it’s rabid? What wild animal would move towards a gigantic human and her large dog? A crazy one. Shoot.

I
DO
NOT
NEED
SKUNKS
IN MY LIFE.

Don’t be jealous but today I got to hang out with the wound care nurse when she was changing the husband’s foot ulcer bandages, and the physical therapist who put the husband through the paces, and then I got to hop into the car and take him for his monthly eyeball shot, where I yelled at and flipped off an old white woman who was shoveling egg salad into her pie hole in the waiting room despite the 837 signs which clearly stated that she was in a medical facility where masks were required. Also despite the fact that first I informed one of the ladies at the desk who asked her sweetly to put her mask on. She called me fatso.

Then on the way home I got to grocery shop and go to the pharmacy for some of the husband ’s drugs.

Don’t be jealous. You can’t compare. This life is special.

A SPECIAL KIND OF HELL.

TISMF busy day

Oh my God I had such an unusually productive day today. I hiked with friends for an hour + then I photographed for an hour (snagging a sweet hen of the woods!) then I went to the bank to close an account that I should’ve closed long ago. Then I came home to help the husband get up and into the family room, made him a sandwich, ate some thing myself, went back out returned some vitamins that I decided I didn’t want to Whole Foods, went to Trader Joe’s for food for the week, went to Walgreens for the husband’s prescriptions, got a lottery ticket because $420,000,000.00,came back to the house and then I mowed the entire overgrown lawn. Then I took a shower made us a delicious big salmon dinner with a medley of roasted vegetables and now I have prepared some of my mushrooms for marinading. They’ll be ready in a few days. Right now they need to soak up all the flavor from the garlic, herbs, and lemon peels that they are soaking in.

TISMF from 2 nights ago

OH MY GOD. The angels are smiling at me right now. Was just in the backyard with the best dog ever and got enthralled with walking around trying to take iPhone photos in the moon light. I was as far from the house as possible when bestie makes that low growl and runs towards the left. I swing a flashlight that way and see a small critter. I think “Is that a black chicken??” NO! It is a skunks lifted tail and asshole pointed directly towards me! I run away yelling “Sweet pea Come!” Three times (but in a weird voice because I was trying not to sound panicked) while running towards the house. Pepe Le Pew did not spray us. I am on my knees with gratitude towards and thanking my guardian angels.

The only good thing she did was come when I called her. She was running circles around that little skunk. I have no idea why it didn’t spray. Honestly it doesn’t make any sense. It must’ve been out of juice or something. In my head I was planning on how to give both of us the silk wood scrub and saying goodbye to my favorite pajama top.

I was so sure that we were both going to get it that for a minute I thought maybe my nose was broken because I didn’t smell anything

Can’t recall going to bed and feeling level of this thankful ever before.

Gratitude

I had an amazing experience leaving my neighbors house last night. I have been photographing the moon as often as I can since last December (As if I hadn’t told you that hundreds of times already…) and I was really bummed about not being able to see the moon the last five days because CLOUDS and RAIN. Like REALLY bummed with a hefty dose of anxiety and despair and I knew I had to think my way into a better head space around it. So I was writing about it here yesterday and I had made the conscious decision to not stress about something out of my control- and to be grateful for the many times over the past 9+ months where I was in the right place at the right time and did get to photograph the moon even though I didn’t think I’d be able to.

I went across the street, left the camera at home, made the decision to be in the moment and then me and the neighbors all had drinks, (I made margaritas) got a little drunk and had a very nice time. I stayed for over 3 hours.

When I left their house to come home the clouds had parted right over the moon. First I screamed in happiness, then I quickly zipped up their driveway and into mine, ran into my house, grabbed my camera, ran back outside and photographed the moon from my driveway. I was so freaking happy!! Then I came inside, smiling ear to ear, gathered up the recycling, which was already ready to go so it only took me a minute, and by the time I went outside again, I glanced towards where the moon had been and there was no trace of the moon. The hole in the clouds was gone.

So I feel like I left their house at the exact perfect moment last night and I’m just so grateful for it. I feel like I have a guardian angel for this project. Not kidding. Not kidding about the angel and seriously not kidding about the gratitude. I am filled with so much gratitude that it’s the strongest feeling I have in me right now.

No show skies

I haven’t seen a clear sky in 5 days. So, that means no sun but it also means no moon. No moon for five straight days. It’s killing me. (Exaggeration much?) I’m trying not to let anxiety take over but damn….. it’s hard. December 20th, my end date, is less than 3 months away and I’m already starting to get weirded out that this one year moon project will be over. How can I have been doing this for almost an entire year already?? How????

On the one hand, I feel this deep gratitude for all that I’ve learned about the moon in the past 9 months. I feel more connected (connected? In sync? Something like that) to life on this planet. (On this planet? Here? Maybe just plain …. to life?) Don’t read this like it sounds. I’m not sitting on the floor listening to whale music (inside joke with Pal), chanting with some incense burning behind me. I’m just feeling more … something that I don’t have the words for. This project slowed me down in the way where I just notice more things. Or maybe it was the pandemic. Maybe it was the whole never ending pandemic that did this for me. Or not the pandemic as much as my response to the pandemic. Obviously there are people out there who did not have the same luxury/freedom to hunker down, not to mention the desire or even the same level of concern for themselves and for others as I have experienced. Those people did not slow down and probably think I’m nuts to be living as cautiously as I still am. Honestly, it sucks. I hate it. But safety is my top issue. I want to go to the movies. I want to eat out and not have to cook and clean around my meal. But, in the end I’m 100% content with my choices. No regrets. No covid. No long covid. No worries.

Sigh. It seems incomprehensible that this is the second year long project, barely overlapping the other year long project, I’ve done during this pandemic. It s completely Ms incomprehensible that I’m contemplating a third year long project.

It’s insane. Now I’m associating year long projects with covid/pandemic and initiating another year long project is the same as admitting this virus hell world isn’t going to be over any time soon. I need a new strategy though. As fun as chasing the moon has been, (I fell in love with being at the beach in the last year.) when (if) I do choose to do another year long project I’m going to definitely choose something that I have consistent access to. This long block of cloud covered skies has been …insert all the negative words here…. and I’d prefer to choose a subject that is less weather dependent. I’m thinking a specific tree in my own back yard. I’ll be able to photograph that baby 24/7/365. I proudly told someone that in the year I photographed the animals with the trail camera I only forgot to set the trail camera up on one night. I was so proud. I got a blank stare back. People just don’t get it. The whole project is about the consistency and also monotony of doing the same thing day in and day out. In the 9+ months that I’ve been photographing the moon I have a pretty good track record for capturing the moon — when possible. I recall one time when I saw the moon, went inside to get my camera, and missed my chance. May have happened twice. I’ve had so much luck during this, though, so many times I didn’t think it was going to be possible and I was there for the ten seconds the clouds parted and made the moon visible. And I am grateful, like you can’t even believe, for being there at the right time with my camera time and time again. I’m still going to choose a more readily available subject.