clickmom

down again

Before the husband had his stroke I was starting to think that at least part of what was going on with me was that I was "matching his energy" and since his energy level didn't necessarily involve getting out of bed every day, that was a super unhealthy thing for someone who wasn't actively in the process of creeping towards death to do. You know what I am saying? The whole time he was gone (in hospital and rehab) I functioned like a normal human being. I freaking marveled at my ability to get shit done. (I painted the family room and a half bath) Making my own dinner did not seem like the monumental drag cooking for us both does. (Complicated since his meals are not considered a meal unless there has been a four legged animal sacrifice and I could happily live without meat) I didn't have to creep around the house and be quiet when it wasn't a normal time to be quiet. Like right now, for example. It's 3: 26 in the afternoon. I have been checking him for signs of life all day. He is breathing, he has changed position in the bed. I just woke him up to take his daily medicine but then he just rolled back over and went back to sleep. I tried to get him to commit to waking up for dinner but he would not. While part of me truly appreciates that if we had to have a pandemic at least it coincided with me not having the freedom to do the things I really want to do anyways, but, his current level of malaise is beyond home care. I think. I mean, if he needs to be in an institution to function...... what the hell? I am miserable living in a house with a sleeping dying body that has zero desire to experience any facet of life, or even live. That i smy truth and that is why I am likely to remain single after this. I can not separate my energy from those around me and I dont want to get saddled with htis situation ever again. I will take no chances. Can you imagine me dating? I say "Hi! So, nice to meet you. By the way, should you ever get demented, depressed, and deathly ill, I will bail like a rat on a sinking ship. Should we share a bottle of wine?" At least I can still make myself chuckle.

I should have rolled over and gone straight out to the woods this morning but the sky was covered with thick clouds and dark. I wanted light bright clouds. I was disappointed. By the time I did haul my own self out of bed I was weirdly post sleep tired myself. So, I went outside, let sweet pea have a bathroom break, fed her, made myself some breakfast and then I took a nap in a chair. Am I worrying in my sleep and not get fulfilling rest? Maybe. That seems like a plausible explanation, or at least as good as anything else I can come up with. I don't know what the answer is here. I need something, I just don't quite know what it is. 

Angel friend

I want to share the letter that almost broke me. The goddess has been sick and I’ve been pleading with her over the phone to get a PCR test. She said she had done home tests that were negative. She sent this in the middle of the night from the ER. Thankfully I didn’t see this before I saw a follow up text from her saying she had sent an embarrassing email in the middle of the night during a moment of panic. She was already past the crisis that brought her to the ER. She will survive this. But the email…. I can’t read it without sobbing. 

MY ANGEL FRIEND

You knoa how much i trust and love you. Please make sure they foloow the dnr ans you ar the only person i trust to make sure they don’t keep me on life supper adter mt brain goes. Pleasd. You were right all along. My son came home at 9 ans did a highwr uo swipe on the nose. It is pisitive covid. Full force high temp. Knew all day yesterday i woukd die soon. Felt the voice telli g me to settle my affairs. Didnt donit in time. PleaE know i love you . Aw are going to get the moninucal antibodies like you said to do 10 hours ago. I wish i had listened. I feel I can not make it tgrough this. It is taking over my body, my blood, my brain. My muscles i can feel it taking the life challe ging my life. I love you. Pmease be happy. We need to be happy, hou desercd it more rhan anyone. 

Love
The goddess

Hope

So. I’ve been sugar and grain free for a month now. I feel Fucking fantastic. I mean, I feel how I imagine I would feel when taking antidepressants. If only antidepressants worked on me! It feels so strange to be saying how great I feel when the husband is in a rehab, trying to get strong enough to live at home, wearing diapers, just exposed to covid by a staff member….. And yet, I feel this sense of inner calm and peace that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling because I didn’t know it even existed.

In the past I have heard myself declaring that I would eat healthier or watch less tv, and stuff like that, if the husband wasn’t around. There was always this little voice in the back head asking “Are you sure about that??” Tonight I made myself a homemade lentil soup that smelled so good I had to sit outside while it simmered away so I wouldn’t be tempted to nibble at the lentils while they were still crunchy. Then I made salad from my garden cucumber and tomato along with avocado, goat feta, garden basil with oil and vinegar. And as I am marveling at the delicious food I’ve prepared for myself there is this little spark of joy bubbling up in me because for the first time in forever I only have to take care of myself I am doing lovely and thoughtful things for myself. Am I cured?

Is this a result of the kettle bell incident/disaster? Did that awful day take a month and half to kick in with some psychological benefit? Or is this from the good clean eating I’ve been doing. Chicken and egg dilemma , right? Could be both.

I am amused at the thought that the horrible disaster I’ve been entertaining people with horror stories about might have actually had some benefit for me. Should have kept my mouth shut! Haha. Never. I hope this lasts.

stark

Last night I busted out the can of white paint that’s been sitting around for 2.5 years waiting for me to paint. I chose the wrong white. Majorly wrong. Not sure what I was thinking actually, it’s stark white. Like harsh. Doesn’t work with the stonework of the fireplace or with the off white trim color on the windows. Next stop- paint store. But I’m excited to get rid of the color that is there now because I pretty much sit in that room wondering what I was thinking when I chose it. Choosing paint colors is not my thing. Not at all.

Right now 21 and 29 are in the hospital visiting with the husband. I had to find a way to pass the time outside because only two people per day are allowed to visit a patient. Fine with me! Break needed.

After I dropped my kids off at the hospital I went to the computer store and ordered a new computer. I’m pretty nervous about starting fresh on a new computer, too. I hate change. And my old software is so incredibly outdated that I know everything is going to look differently. I’m telling myself soothing and supportive things to give myself confidence. But in the end it really boils down to “I don’t want things to change.”

We should talk about that because change is coming and I need to get more relaxed about rolling with the punches.

My friend mentioned talking to her financial advisor today. I wish I had someone to guide me. Maybe I need a financial advisor. This would be a lot easier to figure out if I knew when the bad things were going to happen.

The husband will go to a rehab from the hospital. I am struggling with the decision to give him blood thinners after his stroke. While I understand the need for blood thinners after a stroke I do wonder if the next stroke is closer than his next fall and now I’m trying not worry about how injured he is going to get when he falls next. But, you know I am driving myself crazy with that. This is one of those I NEED A CRYSTAL BALL issues.

TISMF and an update

Another good timing capture. 3 minutes later the moon was engulfed by a tremendous cloud mass. I hurried from my house to the school parking lot to the beach in order to be able to see the moon before the clouds covered the sky like the always inaccurate weather app said it was going to. I got my shot when the moon slid out from behind some low clouds into a clear band beneath the huge cloud mass. I drove back to my house, moon in the rear view mirror, so thankful to have been where I needed to be at the possible only time the moon would be visisble today, turned around in my driveway and saw that the southern sky had totally cleared. Hahaha. I’m not even going to try again. I got what I needed.

The husband can talk almost normally. Whew!!! He will be going to rehab after the hospital. I realized today that I can paint the family room while he’s gone. I actually bought the paint and all the things one needs to paint right at the beginning of the pandemic but never wanted to make him sit and watch tv while inhaling paint fumes.

TISMF momming myself addition

Today me is so Fucking in love with yesterday me right now. Yesterday I made myself a salad and then instead of wrapping up all of the ingredients I made another salad that I thought maybe I’d eat before breakfast. But I didn’t eat it for breakfast. I stopped at Costco on my way home from the hospital for the fish I was craving yesterday when traffic forced me to bypass Costco and buy worm infested salmon from someone else and picked up some cooked bottom feeder along with the fish and some other treats. I was so hungry on my way back that I ate a huge amount of cherries and then the precooked stuff when I got home. That was about 2 1/2 hours ago. So, it’s dinner time now, I’m not starving but I am just heavy with fatigue and thinking I should eat a vegetable for my health when I remember the salad in the fridge and now I am so happy thinking that I was looking out for myself last night. To some people this may not be a big deal, but to me it’s practically astonishing.

TISMF and more: crisis edition.

So I knocked a little container of blueberries off the shelf in the grocery store and a woman came along and I was kicking them to the side and I told her be careful because I knocked a container of blueberries over. She looked at me and said “Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.” Which caused me to pause and I said “Yeah I just don’t want anyone to slip and fall and crack their head open” which caused her to pause, look at me hard and she said …… “You’re nice. I wasn’t expecting that. “

Welcome to 2022 where everyone is mean.

The husband is in the hospital again. This time not only is his congestive heart failure rearing it’s ugly head but he has had a couple of small strokes. One of which affected his ability to get the right word out of his mouth. I did not have “inability to communicate while being as aware as he typically is” on my long list of things to worry about. Now his doctor wants to do a catheterization. The husband, who doesn’t even think he is a desperately sick and medically fragile person gave the thumbs up And I’m going crazy trying to speak with the doctor. I have big time reservations. There are a lot of texts going back and forth between me and the people I’m keeping aware of this situation.

I imagine this conversation with the doctor going like: I’ll outline all the reasons why this is extra risky to do to the husband and the doctor tells me that everything I’m worrying about is not valid and pressures me into saying yes anyway. And now I’m in the position of do I do this procedure that I personally believe to be maybe not worth the risk or do I allow him to do this procedure and hope that we don’t end up in a worst-case scenario situation.

Insert all of the curse words.

There is a part of me that is looking around the room feeling like I can’t believe all of these extraordinarily huge decisions are landing on my shoulders. There is a part of me that thinks somebody else should be handling this because I’m too inexperienced.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that story the woman from the woods told me about her friend who didn’t call 911 for 45 minutes after her husband fell to the floor conshing his heart. And the husband didn’t make it. How? How? How? I don’t know how somebody can be like that.