Hope

So. I’ve been sugar and grain free for a month now. I feel Fucking fantastic. I mean, I feel how I imagine I would feel when taking antidepressants. If only antidepressants worked on me! It feels so strange to be saying how great I feel when the husband is in a rehab, trying to get strong enough to live at home, wearing diapers, just exposed to covid by a staff member….. And yet, I feel this sense of inner calm and peace that I didn’t know I was capable of feeling because I didn’t know it even existed.

In the past I have heard myself declaring that I would eat healthier or watch less tv, and stuff like that, if the husband wasn’t around. There was always this little voice in the back head asking “Are you sure about that??” Tonight I made myself a homemade lentil soup that smelled so good I had to sit outside while it simmered away so I wouldn’t be tempted to nibble at the lentils while they were still crunchy. Then I made salad from my garden cucumber and tomato along with avocado, goat feta, garden basil with oil and vinegar. And as I am marveling at the delicious food I’ve prepared for myself there is this little spark of joy bubbling up in me because for the first time in forever I only have to take care of myself I am doing lovely and thoughtful things for myself. Am I cured?

Is this a result of the kettle bell incident/disaster? Did that awful day take a month and half to kick in with some psychological benefit? Or is this from the good clean eating I’ve been doing. Chicken and egg dilemma , right? Could be both.

I am amused at the thought that the horrible disaster I’ve been entertaining people with horror stories about might have actually had some benefit for me. Should have kept my mouth shut! Haha. Never. I hope this lasts.

Comments

[Mitzy Carter]

Glad you are feeling better. That salad sounds delicious.