Before the husband had his stroke I was starting to think that at least part of what was going on with me was that I was "matching his energy" and since his energy level didn't necessarily involve getting out of bed every day, that was a super unhealthy thing for someone who wasn't actively in the process of creeping towards death to do. You know what I am saying? The whole time he was gone (in hospital and rehab) I functioned like a normal human being. I freaking marveled at my ability to get shit done. (I painted the family room and a half bath) Making my own dinner did not seem like the monumental drag cooking for us both does. (Complicated since his meals are not considered a meal unless there has been a four legged animal sacrifice and I could happily live without meat) I didn't have to creep around the house and be quiet when it wasn't a normal time to be quiet. Like right now, for example. It's 3: 26 in the afternoon. I have been checking him for signs of life all day. He is breathing, he has changed position in the bed. I just woke him up to take his daily medicine but then he just rolled back over and went back to sleep. I tried to get him to commit to waking up for dinner but he would not. While part of me truly appreciates that if we had to have a pandemic at least it coincided with me not having the freedom to do the things I really want to do anyways, but, his current level of malaise is beyond home care. I think. I mean, if he needs to be in an institution to function...... what the hell? I am miserable living in a house with a sleeping dying body that has zero desire to experience any facet of life, or even live. That i smy truth and that is why I am likely to remain single after this. I can not separate my energy from those around me and I dont want to get saddled with htis situation ever again. I will take no chances. Can you imagine me dating? I say "Hi! So, nice to meet you. By the way, should you ever get demented, depressed, and deathly ill, I will bail like a rat on a sinking ship. Should we share a bottle of wine?" At least I can still make myself chuckle.
I should have rolled over and gone straight out to the woods this morning but the sky was covered with thick clouds and dark. I wanted light bright clouds. I was disappointed. By the time I did haul my own self out of bed I was weirdly post sleep tired myself. So, I went outside, let sweet pea have a bathroom break, fed her, made myself some breakfast and then I took a nap in a chair. Am I worrying in my sleep and not get fulfilling rest? Maybe. That seems like a plausible explanation, or at least as good as anything else I can come up with. I don't know what the answer is here. I need something, I just don't quite know what it is.
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