TISMF

Texts I Sent My Friend: post therapy session edition.

Tried to ease out of therapy today. I want a break from my therapist.

I feel like I just don’t wanna talk to him for a while because he’s been disappointing me for a while. It’s probably because he sounds like a broken record because I sound like a broken record and this kettle bell fiasco kind of pushed it all over the edge for me. I’m just so profoundly disappointed that the kettle bell ordeal was psychologically a nothing ( as far as I can tell) for me and physically made me wanna throw up for over two days after the infusion. What I’m looking for here is a breakthrough moment. Maybe I should try hypnosis. I came across a hypnotist on T/T last night and I listen to a bunch of her videos and hypnosis and I feel like even though she doesn’t know me she’s talking about the issues that I need resolved. I wonder how much she charges for a consultation.

Or maybe I’m just copping out. Maybe I just want to be fixed without having to do the work myself. I’ll have to think about that. It’s the big question. But in either case the therapist insists that I am in this stage of Neuro plasticity for the next few weeks and that I should at least see him or talk to him through the end of the month so I’ll do that. Then we agreed on “taking August off” but it’s easier to not reengage than it is to disengage so after taking the month of August off I might just say “Hey I’ll call you when I need you”. It’s so hard to know whether this guy is really working in my best interest or the best interest of his wallet. Maybe I’m just too cynical but it’s been two years and I don’t think I am anywhere that I wouldn’t of been without talking to him for the last two years. That’s a lot of cash payments that I’m never gonna see you again so cheap Me wishes she could have the money back

Also when I told him that my experience on kettle bell was pretty much exactly the same as my experience of what I have always called “putting myself into a trance” except the kettle bell version was a little more techno and I’m sure that that’s because they had a headphone on me playing music and I was just seeing the music like I fucking always see music because I have synesthesia except now it was part of a trance/hallucination and all of my trances were done in silence he seemed to not believe me. As if he could possibly know what happened in my head when I was a little girl. That was majorly annoying. Maybe I will try and start putting myself in the trances again. I know how I used to do it , it’s just a matter of finding the right pattern to stare to start to loosen up properly. He really annoyed me today. Can you tell?