clickmom

Striped rock

Here in new town there’s beach and it’s shelly and rocky. Every morning this gigantic vehicle drives back and forth along the beach sifting the sand and removing whatever floated up during high tide. It also sifts up the trash people leave or lose in the sand during the day. Tonight when I went to the beach to watch and photograph the moon I ended up standing on one of those shell/rock/trash piles. Since I had arrived on the early side I snapped a few pre-twilight images and then glances down at the pile. Immediately my eyes landed on a couple of balls, a matchbox car, a green rope bracelet, some kind of spray bottle top, a wine bottle opener, and a gorgeous striped rock. I bent down, plucked them all up and loaded them into my pockets. I planned on leaving the toys on a bench by the parking lot on my way out.

Eventually two young girls came next to me to photograph the twilight sky with their camera phone and I told them there were these treasures under our feet and I asked them if they’d like the balls. They happily took the balls and ran back to their family. 20 minutes later, as I was heading out passed the girls just in time to see the older one toss the ball and turn to her sister and not entirely nicely say “Fetch! You’re the dog. Get the ball.”

I hustled out thinking their parents might be staring daggers into my back.

TISMF trauma response

Breakthrough of the day:

Back when I had #1 i sat in the hospital bed holding my baby imaging all the life threatening situations I’d be able to save her from. Fierce tiger attack? I planned how to kill a tiger. Car rolled over on her? I imagined different scenarios and spent time planning the most effective way to lift that car off my newborn. And on and on. I always prided myself on instantly being this uber protective mom and today it just came to me that that is another fucking trauma response from my fucked up childhood. I’m a walking talking trauma response. It’s my whole Fucking personality.

Hi mom

Tonight, while standing in front of the sink about to brush my teeth, I thought something funny and I laughed out loud. I saw myself laughing in the mirror and I wondered what it would look like if I high fived my reflection.

So I did it. And it was actually really weird because I’m looking more and more like my mother every day and it felt like I was high fiving my mom.

Not the same

It’s lightning and thunder and pouring rain outside. The rumbles keep coming and coming and I’m having a momental pity party over here remembering how much I loved to sit on the back covered porch in utopia and watch the storms come in from the west and then dash across the house when it passed above us and i would sit in the rocking chair and watch it leave floating over the lake as it crawled away to rumble in the east. Best I can do here in new town is to sit in the one chair that blocks a set of patio doors and watch (through the wet patio door screen) the rain dripping down the cattle grate archway I built for my bucket garden so it could grow upwards this summer. It’s not the same.

Note to self: future dwelling MUST HAVE a covered porch (or two) from which I can watch thunderstorms roll by.

Shark

For some strange reason I looked up the life span of a sand shark. (I believe it was a sand shark that bit my leg when I was 8). The life span of a sand shark is only 7 years. That means that the sand shark that bit me was some other shark’s mid day snack by the time I was 15 and I’ve had all these years to live and love and have fun on the planet while the shark didn’t even exist anymore.

Is it possible that I have unresolved shark bite trauma? Who thinks things like this?

TISMF

Texts I Sent My Friend: post therapy session edition.

Tried to ease out of therapy today. I want a break from my therapist.

I feel like I just don’t wanna talk to him for a while because he’s been disappointing me for a while. It’s probably because he sounds like a broken record because I sound like a broken record and this kettle bell fiasco kind of pushed it all over the edge for me. I’m just so profoundly disappointed that the kettle bell ordeal was psychologically a nothing ( as far as I can tell) for me and physically made me wanna throw up for over two days after the infusion. What I’m looking for here is a breakthrough moment. Maybe I should try hypnosis. I came across a hypnotist on T/T last night and I listen to a bunch of her videos and hypnosis and I feel like even though she doesn’t know me she’s talking about the issues that I need resolved. I wonder how much she charges for a consultation.

Or maybe I’m just copping out. Maybe I just want to be fixed without having to do the work myself. I’ll have to think about that. It’s the big question. But in either case the therapist insists that I am in this stage of Neuro plasticity for the next few weeks and that I should at least see him or talk to him through the end of the month so I’ll do that. Then we agreed on “taking August off” but it’s easier to not reengage than it is to disengage so after taking the month of August off I might just say “Hey I’ll call you when I need you”. It’s so hard to know whether this guy is really working in my best interest or the best interest of his wallet. Maybe I’m just too cynical but it’s been two years and I don’t think I am anywhere that I wouldn’t of been without talking to him for the last two years. That’s a lot of cash payments that I’m never gonna see you again so cheap Me wishes she could have the money back

Also when I told him that my experience on kettle bell was pretty much exactly the same as my experience of what I have always called “putting myself into a trance” except the kettle bell version was a little more techno and I’m sure that that’s because they had a headphone on me playing music and I was just seeing the music like I fucking always see music because I have synesthesia except now it was part of a trance/hallucination and all of my trances were done in silence he seemed to not believe me. As if he could possibly know what happened in my head when I was a little girl. That was majorly annoying. Maybe I will try and start putting myself in the trances again. I know how I used to do it , it’s just a matter of finding the right pattern to stare to start to loosen up properly. He really annoyed me today. Can you tell?

Be nice

I am going to use a euphemism here because I don’t want anyone googling the real thing to land on my blog but I tried kettle bell therapy. You know the stuff that’s supposed to help you get over all of your PTSD and childhood trauma. It was a failure because I started throwing up halfway through and continued throwing up so hard I’d simultaneously pee my pants for about half an hour afterwards. Then the entire next day I felt completely ill and could barely get off the couch. But there was one shining moment where someone from the place that administered the kettle bell really shined and I want to talk about that.

Once the kettle bell wore off enough that I could stand I asked to go to the bathroom and the nurse/female attendant came with me because you can hardly walk after kettle bell. I was trying to be Covid cautious and wear a mask the whole time and when I wear my mask I always put my hair in a ponytail because I wear the good kind of N 95 masks that have two straps that go behind your head and not just your ears. Obviously someone had removed my mask from my face and it was sitting underneath my chin because they were putting a container in front of my face for the vomiting. And when I went to the bathroom I pulled the ponytail holder out of my hair and even though I could barely stand from all the dizziness, I was cold, clammy, sweating and trying to stop vomiting the attendant/nurse said to me “your hair looks fantastic“ and in that moment I just thought “This woman knows exactly what to say.” And it was entirely disconnected from everything that was happening but it made me so freaking happy because I thought I was having a good hair day before I went to the clinic and it had nothing to do with the clinic and I just walked out there with a smile on my face because this young 20 something chick said I was having a good hair day.

I am going to be more aware of sending off little unnecessary out of the blue complements into the universe from now on. It’s really such a kind thing to do and it really can turn a moment around for another person.