clickmom

what you've missed

Here are all the things I could have told a story about in the past week or so.

 

I messed up big the day after the bird photographing. Husband had two doctor appointments, I went to the wrong one first, tried to speed off to the other one, the 1 5 minute drive took 30 minutes due to the entire state being on the roads of this particular town at the very moment I needed to zip through and we couldn't get to the other appointment in time. It was his eye doctor appointment that I caused him to miss it and I felt AWFUL about it because he has been complaining about his vision on one side (his legally blind side, so that makes it kind of worse)  for weeks. Couldn't get a new appointment for 3 weeks. GUILT CITY.

But then I yawned in the car and noticed he didn't yawn after I yawned so I tried to fake yawn a couple of times and got no response from him. I tried so hard because I had just scrolled a social media post claiming that lack of yawn reciprocity means that someone is a psychopath, but it is my belief that dementia causes the same lack or responsiveness. Or maybe he just a psychopath. But at least he is a psychopath that I can out think, out run, and definitely out strength. So, I feel pretty safe here.

I got an MRI of the spot under my nose which swelled up and had stuff coming out of it because it's been numb for years, but not fucking leaking, and I cannot get the doctor to call me with the results. Tomorrow I will be going to his office and making the sweetest fuss until I walk away with a copy of the report. But I am going to do it in such a nice way. I will also not hesitate to warn anyone who happens to be in the waiting room to find another practice because holy shit. These people don't even answer their own phones... EVER. Why do doctor's offices have so much trouble being nice to patients? Can't they even try to determine if I am going to go all Karen on them before they ignore me? Jeezus. I thought that the doctor and I had a great rapport. Must be those front desk nurses. Maybe the doctor is actually a creep who just put on a show for me. I don't know but, holy unprofessional! This place has unlocked a new level of achievement in that department.

I wore a pair of sneakers for the first time in about 3 years and walking on squishy insoles was a completely bizarre feeling and now I know why those first shoes for babies have only a leather strip on the bottom. Squishy is weird, folks! My friend was shocked that I had not worn sneakers in that long. She asked me what I wore on my feet. I said "hiking boots", this girl takes her daily hike seriously! 

I got to all of my kids. The husband and I went to see 21, 25 came here for Father's Day and then I drove to see 29 and afterwards I spent a couple of hours with my old stepford friends on the way back. I saw them from afar and all of their hair looked awful from a distance. Just dried out and frizzy. The one with red hair had an unnatural hue happening (home dye job), and the one with dark chocolate brown hair let someone lighten her hair and give her "chunky" streaks, NO  Everything was wrong with that look, and the blonde, her hair just looked bleached to a crisp. SO, when red turned around and exclaimed "You're letting your hair go gray!" upon laying eyes on me, I had to laugh at myself. I handled her criticism well though. I said "That's nothing", because my hair was down and I pulled the side up so she could marvel at my extra frosty sideburns. I love my gray hair. I don't care what any commercial tries to tell me, I earned every single one of these grays, my color is perfect and quite appropriate for my age and I am not going to color them. If you're my age and you don't have some grays I think you look weird.

Speaking of weird. The radicalized freak in my neighborhood has a new vinyl sign hanging above his fence. The new sign says "elect a clown expect a circus" which could not be more opposite world thinking if he tried. Sometimes I wish he was a comedian and these nutty signs were actually satire.

I wish I had a really fantastic last name like Drinkwater. (jeopardy contestant) 

And lastly, I woke up at 4:40 yesterday so that I could photograph the slim crescent moon in dim light so I could see it better. I couldn't see it from my yard, so I jumped into the car with the intent of going to the beach but I saw the moon just as I passed the high school so I turned into the HS parking lot. I let sweet pea out of the car to do her business and ofcourse, she ended up chasing a fox and I got to enjoy hearing a fox "bark" at her. That fox bark is hilarious.I think that in the animal world it must be the equivalent of my rinky dink Toyota clown car horn. My horn is such a cartoon sounding horn that I do not use it.

TISMF 6/20/2022

On June 20th I, for the the third time, redid the sit outside from dawn to dusk routine and photographed all the birds which flew past or onto the tree. The tree had a rough winter. Much of the outer branches have fallen and it is no longer the crazy round shaped tangle of branches. It’s thinned out and became smaller. One particular branch had fallen and got tangled up and hung from the other branches swaying in the breeze the whole day. Watching it hang and sway like the chains in my grandfather clock used to swing (back when the husband used to keep it wound) was uncomfortable. It was a constant reminder that the tree has passed and may or may not even be standing there next summer. Will I be here next summer? Who knows? Not me.

Below I have copied and pasted the texts I dictated throughout the day to one particular friend. I left out the two that were catty and mean because some things ……. You know.

 

 

 

Oh my God. I’m sitting outside watching the tree and it is even slower than it was the first summer. I need someone to stand behind me and slap me to keep me awake.

 

(Intentionally leaving out the text in which I said some unflattering things about the slacker work ethic of two of my ex classmates, one of which is starting to promote a book he is about to unleash on the world)

 

Tomorrow is the longest day of the year but I have to take the worlds most stubborn man (husband) to two different doctor appointments tomorrow. It’s our monthly double visit to the eye doctor and Heart Failure specialist. I’ll check out your homepage

 

I think today is middle school graduation because I saw chairs set up on the playing field behind my house. So I’m sitting here listening to the national anthem and that graduation music and some other kind of dorky music. It’s kind of funny

 

Some of the single women from my High school reunion group just can’t stop talking about looking for a man or where can you find the single man kind of stuff. I am so far from that it is incomprehensible to me that anyone given the choice we choose to reinvest himself in a relationship that has such a high chance of not being a equal partner relationship. Maybe I’m just surrounded by people with awful husbands but I don’t know anybody who’s relationship is a real two-way street. Everyone that I know does the lions share of the emotional work and the housekeeping. Not interested

 

I am next level cranky today. I think part of it has to do with just husband overload but I think the other part of it Hass to deal with I’ve been trying to find some good articles about gender differences as far as representation in fine art world goes and I’m just getting angrier and angrier. And that makes me wonder if we as a group found a way to make some really angry work if just the anger part of it would resonate I don’t know what do you think?

 

Exactly! Also adding to my current state of irritability I’m sitting under a shade tent which is mostly netting but it’s kind of a light gray on top so I’m using it for shade. It’s actually a bug tent but I have to keep the flaps open so I can point my camera out of the flaps which means every fucking humongous beetle wasp moth and fly have sound their way in here and then they just crash their stupid ass bodies against the roof trying to get out and the sound of their little bodies thumping against the roof makes me want to kill someone. Also doesn’t help that every minute of the day you can hear at least one lawn service often the distance running their equipment. It’s too much. Also The husband. I am burned out. Burned to a crisp. And I don’t want to be responsible for other people. Or even really a dog but if I had to choose people or dogs I would totally take Sweet pea in a heartbeat

 

So this bug/shade tent that I'm sitting underneath has six sides and two of them are wide open for well so the camera can see out of it and the other one for breeze and the other four sides are just nothing and there are like three Wasps and a couple of flies some beetles, a bumblebee and moths that are coming out and you know those motherfuckers look like they're stuck and they can't find the door but they're totally playing with me because I think they're coming and going and I think they know exactly what they're doing

 

Oh my God I am over 12 hours into this experiment today and the birds are finally showing up

 

They must be doing more than one graduation in a day because the graduation music just queued up again

 

OK so I got all excited about the birds and they just said OK we’re done here and now they left

cozy

 

 

Tried thinning my carrots.  They get more action than I do. Bummer. I ate them.

 

this place sucks

I want to do another Texts I sent My Friends post, but I'm half way listening to a zoom talk on my phone.

I am tired. I am not physically tired, or emotionally tired. I am energetically tired. I just can't seem to summon the energy to live in this world where people don't care about other people. I will say this until the day I die. Decent people are wearing masks. I am not surrounded by decent people. Don't even get me started on the republicans who are willing to vote away human rights for all but a growing minority of old white straight (or, pretending to be straight, let's be real) christian men. I didn't know I was capable of hating groups of people with as much passion as I hate these people- I hate the haters. I am consumed with hate for the haters and it is wearing me out. I pray this is my last time I have to live through a life on this earth. I am ready for an eternity of something else. Don't get all panicked. I'm not taking my life- or anything like that. I could never do that to my kids! I am just saying, that if I was in a tragic accident and got to choose I'd be hustling toward the light. I am okay with not being here any more. This place sucks. And I would not choose it.

Donor

When I was in third grade my teacher had a bulletin board with a “word tree” on it. The students had to come up with words that the rest of us were unlikely to know and bring those words to school and then cross your fingers and hope you got picked as the student who got to present the word of the day, which the teacher would write on an apple shaped piece of red paper and then the student got to place it onto the word tree.

I’d ask my parents for help and my mom would tell me to read the dictionary. But my dad was a better sport and sometimes he would come up with words that were just insane sounding like lackadaisical and sometimes he would come up with words that were glorious because they sounded so simple and yet they were a complete unknown to me.

Also, this will become relevant, sometimes I wonder about the words on the wordle game or the octordle game. I’ve been wasting way too much time playing those and once solved, I often find myself looking around the room wondering if my spirits are sending me messages. Once I was lounging on the couch slamming down a box of gluten free lemon wafer cookies, feeling as if there might be better ways to spend my time and also playing octordle. Then, right next to each other came the words SLACK (I have become a professional slacker since this pandemic. Next level. I astound myself) and also OBESE (no explanation necessary). I looked around the room as if there could be a witness to the accuracy of my puzzle and wondered if somewhere a hard working thin person was solving the same puzzle and laughing about how wrong their puzzle was. Was Octordle trying to tell me something? Are my spirit guides trying to reach me through Octordle??

Anyways, today’s wordle was one of those gloriously simple words that my dad came up with. It’s a word that makes me smile every time I hear it because I immediately think of my dad. He was a good guy. I owe him. I miss him.

TISTMF with commentary

“I can not. I was just sitting there having a conversation with the husband about getting a pool. He wants a pool. He’s been perseverating on that for a while now ….. Or I should say HE WHO CAN BARELY WALK THINKS HE CAN CLIMB IN AND OUT OF AN ABOVE GROUND POOL. He also has plans for redesigning the patio area of the back yard.

I kid you not.

I’m done.”

Then we had a brief text exchange during which she expressed her belief that delusional thinking by a dying man should be accepted. Her father signed a 3 year car lease a week before he died. She had to pay for that car, which she could not actually afford, for three years.

I’m living in a world where the person who was supposed to be financially responsible for the well being of this family was….. reckless. I could be meaner, because “reckless” is the gentle version. I’m not putting up with more of that shit. I’m taking my anger and bitterness over not growing old on the porch of utopia with me to the grave. He gives and he rips the carpet out from underneath my feet. I’m not playing nice with that anymore.

Merca

The other day, I got on the highway. Wanting to be in the center lane I signaled, looked over my shoulder and made the move to move over a lane. Halfway into the lane I hear a horn blaring behind me.

Apparently the guy speeding up the left lane decided he needed to move to the middle lane too, and despite the fact that he was coming up on me from the passing lane going at a high rate of speed and I WAS SIGNALING he entered that middle lane, just behind me at that high rate of speed.

He honked at me. Scared the bee jeezus out of me too.

And you know what? Even though this dude was driving as if he was in a oneman drag race against himself I was afraid that he was going to be so angry that he would pull up aside me and shoot me. Welcome to America