clickmom

I’m clean!!

The husband tries to make astute observations. Like … he is with it or something. He makes shit up.

Him: “It must be getting warmer outside because it’s getting warmer in here.”

(It’s going to be super hot here today)

Me: (glances at thermostat) “No, it’s not. It’s exactly the same temperature in here as when I came downstairs this morning.”

Him: raises his eyebrows at me AS IF I AM THE ONE MAKING SHIT UP. “It is???” (Condescending tone)

Me: “Yes. (Pause for effect) It is. (With emphasis) The A/C is set and working.”

Redrum

I’m off of antidepressants for 2 days now and feeling more critical than usual. Giving running commentary on the television propaganda advertising. He hates that. His annoyance with my astute observations gives me sadistic joy

Done deal

On Saturday I mowed the lawn. And because I live amongst disgusting people, before I mow the lawn I have to walk my property along the street and pick up beverage containers, little airplane booze bottles, disposable vapes, assorted wrappers/chip bags and even, on Saturday an entire McDonald’s bag of garbage including the half filled beverage. (I did pop the top and pour the beverage out onto the grass). I also noticed the McDonald’s bag was heavy with something I chose not to explore. I left my trash bag of litter outside the garage over night and yesterday I discovered that some animal had chewed through the bag, pulled out, and tore through the McDonald’s bag. Now I feel so guilty that my backyard friends found unhealthy fast food and it’s my fault.

I really do miss seeing them every day and knowing what they’re up to. I’m tempted to put the camera back out but I feel like that project is a done deal.

Mostly TISTMF

So. TMI alert.

The backstory:

Back in the winter, I had a few days where I just felt I had to poop….. almost all the time. Even after I pooped. I mentioned it to a friend who got a bit panicky and begged me to go the gastroenterologist. So, I called. I had to wait a few weeks for an appointment despite my wide open schedule and ability to take any appointment they offered. The instant I hung up with the appointment desk- problem solved!

But three weeks came around and I went anyway. Told the doctor about my short bout of weird butt feelings and he said I was due for colonoscopy anyway so I should schedule one on the way out. Sounds fine.

And this where I start to sweat because, if you will recall, my aunt actually died after being punctured during a colonoscopy and bleeding out on the table. I knew they wouldn’t want to let me swallow the camera since the last time I went (3 years ago) they did remove a spot or two and would want to be able to remove anything looking pre-suspicious. Despite my racing heart and desire to run screaming out of the office I approached the scheduling desk

Then they don’t have an opening for the procedure for a few months. WTH? What if there was an emergency? I made the appointment. I asked a friend if she could be available to drive me. She said YES

Then my friend ended up going out of the country and I had to figure out if I was going to ask someone else or take a taxi or what. Grrrr.

I got the prep kit which was different than the one the doctor told me about, not the one I used last time and not covered by insurance. Grrrrr. Finally I was scheduled for the day after Mother’s Day, which meant fasting on Mother’s Day, which I completely didn’t realize until the week before, but that didn’t matter because…..

The text:

Fuck!! I went in MONTHS ago for that Gastro consult and scheduled the routine colonoscopy for today. I HAD TO WAIT THREE MONTHS BECAUSE THEY’RE BOOKED OUT FOREVER IN ADVANCE. They called me Fucking THURSDAY and said I’m too fat and had to reschedule to go to the hospital for the procedure.

Seriously? The hospital? During a pandemic, during an upswing in infections, when I am not able to wear a mask during the procedure …… fuck off and die. I’m not going to a hospital. Assholes.

Also, I was the same level of fat when they scheduled my office colonoscopy so WHAT THE FUCK?? They weighed me during that appointment!

Now they’re trying to make nice to me and apologize and I’m like

SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH YOU’VE WASTED MONTHS OF MY TIME DURING WHICH I COULD HAVE GONE TO ANOTHER PROVIDER.

I’m exactly on the cut off weight for an office procedure. I could have lost pounds while waiting forever for my appointment. Fucking assholes. I AM SO ANNOYED.

What I decided to do:

I’m going to lose 20 pounds and reschedule for an office visit. Maybe. Because that office isn’t together and I don’t trust them to follow covid protocols that would protect me, the one who is required to take her mask off. Or maybe I am going to find a new practice that not only listens better but has better office organization so as not to waste months of my time for no results. I can’t decide. Either way I am going to start with shedding some pounds

TISMF

Welcome to another episode of "Texts I Sent My Friends!"

 

So. Since my meat suit decided that without the thrill of contagious diseases this past 2+ years it would generate every possible non contagious panic inducing painful life altering situation possible…..

Yesterday I noticed the pain of what I thought was a canker sore in my mouth. Upon further investigation I pulled back my upper lip to see something which despite feeling like a round lump looked much like a swollen blackhead. I gave it a little push and out came something I can only describe as clear gelatinous sticky goo. I’m seeing my dentist at 5:30.

FML.

Change. Dentist got a cancellation. 1:30 is go time.

I'm not going until 1:30

The dentist hasn't seen it yet.  (That friend loves me) 

OK I just wanted to tell you that the shortest way to stress me out is by telling me that I’m too stressed out. He said I don’t know what it is so I’m going to send you to the oral surgeon but I think it looks like it might be something viral that was probably brought on by you being in so much stress that your immune system isn’t working optimally.  Guess who cried in the dentist office today. All I heard was "You can't handle stress and you did this to yourself."

The oral surgeon didn’t know what it was either but he said it’s definitely infected and he’s ordering me antibiotics. Oh my god. He squeezed it so hard I was writhing in the chair,  and this time yellowish gel came out. (BARF) He doesn’t know what it is but thinks it’s …remotely… possible that it is an infected salivary gland. Wants me to take antibiotics and come back in a week. He said something must be infected due to the color of the pus. If the antibiotics don’t clear this up he will get to the bottom of it. Yay.

I need to know what’s going on because right now I'm tingly numb from inside my nostril across my right top lip.

Also, he asked me if I had ever done injectables because he has "seen this kind of thing after injectables".  I gave him the look and said “Do these lip wrinkles look like they’ve been filled?” It broke the tension. He said he had to ask. I gave him the nod.

He said “I want to know the etymology of this thing in your mouth “.

O
M
G

I think I orgasmed upon hearing that.

Just wanted to let you know that I actually did take the first dose of antibiotic tonight.

bubkas

On the one hand I do not make a big deal over any holiday.

On the other hand I feel completely unappreciated and taken for granted. 

I thought that I had trained my kids that the one and only thing necessary on Mother's day was a nice hand written letter of appreciation. I thought I was making their lives simpler by asking for something that only required an ounce of effort. A letter. Not a big shiny fancy gift. They don't have to wonder what I would like, or whip out their wallets, or buy ridiculous $5 cards at the drug store. They don't have to go to a store or even search the web. They could literally write their notes on toilet paper and as long as the words were there I'd be so happy.

 

I got no letters. Josh and Marion texted me. I responded with Call me later. Love you. A text. They fucking texted me.

Evan swung by for a couple of hours.

 

sigh.

 

I can't cope with the thanklessness of this job in the midst of feeling under appreciated for everything else.

I ask for crumbs, I get bubkas.

Probably not

Setting: it’s 10:30 in the morning  The husband woke up surprisingly early this morning. I asked him how much he weighed today. (Congestive Heart failure daily interrogation part one) we had a brief discussion where he, for the fifth time, couldn’t understand how he had gained a few pounds (two nights of takeout in a row)  When I explain it to him he recognizes that I’ve told him this before.  Every time it’s the same. He knows he is forgetting things.  

 

He puts on a tv marathon of ER. Im not paying attention but am vaguely aware that someone on the show is having their eye opening spirit purpose of life discovery moment. Husband turns towards me, I look up, he looks solemn.

 

Husband: I’m kind of a waste of life, aren’t I?

 

Me: uh uh uh . (Thinking:holy fuck! What is the right thing to say??)

 

Husband: turns back towards the television.

 

Me: . Are you feeling down?

 

Husband: SHRUG. Maybe.

 

Me: Are you taking responsibility for your poor health?

 

Husband: probably not.

 

Me: .......... (insert sad emoji followed by angry emoji)