clickmom

some stuff I texted friends about since I’ve been here last

I am ridiculously excited to announce that at least SIX of the garlic bulbs I planted last fall have sent up shoots. Yay garlic!!

I had a great idea for a photo project with our non profit. The kids make the landscapes (maybe with some guidance from the elders on the more meaningful vistas) and then we print them huge and the elders are asked to write notes onto the image. It could be any thoughts they have. I’m really excited about this.

I’m pretty bummed that in a week or so dogs won’t be allowed on the beach for the summer. I’ve spent more time on the beach photographing the moon when it’s low in the sky in the past two months than I have in the entire 11 years we have lived here. I mean, for the sake of seeing the moon I’ll still be going but not bringing sweet pea with me is a total bummer.

When I started the moon project I decided i would watch the moon for the entire winter season, which is over now but because people are stupid we are pretty much in the same amount of covid trouble we were in on December 20th when I started this and I think I’ll just have to keep going until something changes.

I participated in an on line photo review a week ago. I had the most flattering review I have ever had. And the crazy thing is that I would have never in 1 million years chose in this woman to do a review for me she's from a nonprofit group down south, I thought she’d only be interested in political work, and she told me that when she looked up and research on all of the people she was going to review there only two people that she was excited to see and I was one of them. She was so excited and positive about my work and it was the nicest way to end the day. She said so many nice things that I am going to transcribe what she said and make an inspirational poster from it. (I may have made a secret voice recording). When I listened to all of the recordings I realized that one of the other reviewers was equally positive and flattering about the work I was showing. Man. A girl could get a big ego hearing this type of praise. Good thing my family squashed that problem before it got out of hand. Just kidding! (Kind of, but not really, I just feel weird speaking poorly about the dead) I’m determined to approach this world with all the confidence of a mediocre man. (Best saying ever!!)

In the mean time I had to make a self portrait of myself to put on line. Oh my gosh, torture. Also, as I age I’m starting to resemble my mother more and more and it freaks me out. So, there is the triple threat of normal signs of aging, weighing my own personal all time high weight and looking like my mom (with good hair, thank god for that) speaking of “good hair” I got accused of not having my natural hair color and as flattered as I am I also want to find out precisely how old this younger-than-me woman thinks I am. The grays are coming in, they just don’t show up on a zoom yet. I’m fine with getting gray. I earned every single one!

frus

I found out that I signed up for a portfolio review last December and then completely forgot about it, to the extent that I have since ignored all emails from that organization because I assumed they were junk emails. Review is in 2 weeks. Ooops!! They randomly assigned me 4 different reviewers. I plan on rolling with the punches.

My photo coach, upon hearing this news, wanted me to sign up for another portfolio review, one which has rolling sign ups, and when I checked to see which reviewers for that review still had openings, I saw that they were all minority reviewers whose profiles read like this "cultural activist" or "focus in decoloniality" (which I know is not a word, but I am typing it as it was written in the bio) or they were looking for political statements from their area of the world, or they only published photographers from their countries.

So, I'm not gonna do that second review. That's disappointing because initially I did not want to do it. I was really pushing back on the idea, in my own head of course. And I did not want to do it so much I was whining to myself about it, in my own head of course, and finally I thought maybe I should discuss my reluctance with my latest therapist and then I remembered his saying. He says "Show up and show off." In my head I knew what his advice would be, so I went on line with the firmly implanted intention of getting some more reviews until I did the research on the reviewers that still had openings. It was a bummer. 

And this brings me to a point that I dare not say out loud. Women are half of the entries into contests and people at reviews and women do not make up half of the photographers who are given gallery shows, book deals, or mentions by the powers that have the ability to make a career and that is also something that needs to be addressed. But, since it seems that there are even less POC vying for a piece of the pie than there are women (judging by the lack of enthusiasm for the reviewers specifically looking for POC in this one instance) I think that the white boy's club which controls the art world has decided that paying homage to POC is a less threatening option than inviting the women in. Just saying. It's hard being a girl and until the women decide to primarily support other women the way men primarily support other men, instead of banging our heads against the wall trying to get into the boy's club, I can't imagine we are going to make much progress. I'm frustrated. And I don't want to have to seek the approval of a man to be successful. Down with the oppressors! (tongue in cheek) 

shoulda woulda

This morning I watched a "toctik" by a woman who talked about being single (divorced) with a kid ad how people's reactions to her are always on the pity side and then she said something that really struck home. She said "When I was a kid I ever once fantasized about getting married so maybe I was never meant to be married. I am happy being single."

Hello? Raise your hand if you have never once (including after becoming engaged) fantasized about getting married. MY ARM CAN NOT REACH ANY HIGHER. Not sure if I ever told the story of how my wedding got planned but here is a truly reader's digest version.

The husband and I get engaged, go to my parents a few days later to discuss the event planning, (daughter's family pays, right?) and since my ideal wedding was eloping and doing something fun in Vegas with an Elvis Impersonator and the husband wanted something traditional (keeping that judgement to myself), we had already compromised on having a super small intimate event. My dad was so happy, my mom fought back the tears. Our budget was 10K, including my dress. I would have been happy with a bowling party, I am 100% serious. My mom quickly informed me that the ceremony was mine but the celebration afterwards was her event. I didn't care. But, can we be honest? Who says that out loud?? So weird.

We went dress shopping, I was good with the first dress I tried on. She had penciled me in for weeks upon weeks of shopping to find the perfect dress. (Just shoot me, please!) We went to the florist, I asked "What is cheap in February?" The florist told me tulips, I said "Great! Let's do tulips".  Mom was shocked. She had planned on visiting several florist shops. We went to the venue to discuss options, I said which night is cheaper? I'll take it. Which food options are cheaper? That works for me. You know why? I could not have cared less. I stayed under budget. I was proud. My mom on the other hand was quite disappointed. My mom called me hysterical about 2 weeks before the wedding. She said she had been up all night worrying about the white tulips not matching the white table cloths. I told her that she would be the only one who noticed. Seriously. 

I was not a bridezilla. I did go somewhere to have my hair done, they did an awful job, seriously, it was 80's hill billy prom style, but by the time I realized how awful it was I didn't have time to do anything about it so I just thought to myself, "I don't actually care." and left. (I may have shed a tear or two over the hair, it was ridiculous, before sucking it up) I got dressed by myself (I think... maybe a friend was there. I do recall someone from the venue bringing me a turkey sandwich because I had not eaten a single thing that day and I could barely eat it. I think someone was with me. Did she eat the sandwich? I can't recall) I did my own makeup. There was no way I was going to take the chance of someone turning me into a drag queen on a day that I was going to have to (another form of torture) stand for photos, so I had my usual mostly natural look walking down the aisle. (I did let the lady at the makeup counter talk me into wearing a dark shade of lipstick though. Yuck. I hate lipstick) 

And then we had a ice little dance party. I wished I could be wearing more comfortable clothes. I hated being in that wedding dress. All evening I felt like I was that barbie with the crochet skirt stuck into a toilet paper roll. And my dress was simple. No train or anything ridiculous like that. 

Anyways, point is that I suffered through the most basic little tiny wedding so my husband could get the wedding his princess heart always dreamed of and maybe, just maybe, I was meat to be single the whole time. I never for one second had any interest or even a moment of excitement about it. Whoops. It's only been 31 years. 

Also, if you believed that was going to be a reader's digest version, then I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn.