clickmom

ankle woes

Two days ago I had an MRI on my ankle. It's been 6 or 7 weeks since I wiped out on the icy patch and this ankle is still swollen, sore and screaming at me if I walk more than 30 minutes. SCREAMING. So I went back to the ortho. And he said "Yep. It's too swollen for this amount of time passed." And he put an MRI request in with my insurance. Long story less long.. I got an MRI.

And, to no surprise to me my janky ankle is seriously messed up. Not only do I have a bad regular sprain but I also have an impressive "high ankle sprain" and do not for one minute think that I haven't tried to formulate every "high" joke for ankle sprain my 10 year old boy sense of humor could conjure up. The good news is that nothing is broken, my bones are intact (He used the word intact) but there is tearing of tendons and twisting of ligaments ....and the only treatment for what ails me is to stay off my feet as much as possible. I already texted the dog walker to see if she can take sweet pea for a couple of weeks. I guess the short little hobbles I have been taking have not been short enough. This is my ideal outcome though. I got confirmation of my injury and validation for the pain and there is no professional intervention necessary. 

So, maybe you can relate to this. I am in a place where the only pain which exists is the husband’s pain. (I mean, according to the one and only person I am currently living with) Any other person’s pain is a completely out of reach theoretical concept. So, I was pretty psyched to see the husband’s face responding as the doctor talked about how much damage I had done to my ankle. I had the doctor on speaker phone and he used great words like HUGE and SEVERE and TREMENDOUS. I know the sounds reached the husband's ears. His face responded with grimace type expressions in the moment. Shockingly appropriate.

But then, fast forward to 90 minutes later and he-who-just-heard-the-doctor-tell-me-to-keep-my-ankle-elevated-and-iced-and-to-not-walk-on-it asked me to go to the supermarket to get him D!et C0ke in the middle an ice storm, so obviously there is a big disconnect there. Maybe he's born with it, maybe it's dementia. (Get it? My Maybelline joke?)  It is fascinating to observe someone with ZERO empathy or compassion for anyone else. Not even for his own kids. FASCINATING. And, should I go down that route one day smother me with a pillow. Not kidding. Dementia, even if I seem completely content is not for me. I want out if that happens. Someone get me a document to sign!! I want my desires known. Also, I absolutely do not want to be a burden to anyone and even if the caregiver does not consider demented me to be a burden, I would prefer that my caregiver (assuming it's one of my kids) has things to do which are way more fun, less gross and more personally fulfilling. Like, I take this not being a burden desire so far that I actually think that its a bit selfish to be buried when one can be cremated or donated to science. I do not want my kids to feel like they have to visit the cemetery- ever. Man, I will be ghost stalking them all over the place so hard anyway! And I will be ghost laughing in their faces if they think they have to stand on acres of dead people to "visit" me where my meat suit and bones are decaying. Hahaha. Gross.

Okay, got my laugh for the day, now I am going to go lie down on the couch and put my ankle up.

slaps for all

Never would I have thought that trying to catch a glimpse and photo of the moon each day would end being the emotional roller coaster that it is. People! First, the moon's schedule varies in a way that I have not figured out yet. I am glued to the website I keep open on my phone at all times trying to remind myself when the moon rises and when it sets and then figure out how much time before or after thaty time I need to show up for the best chance of the winning photo.

Yesterday (two days ago?) I shared my moon photos with my critique group and when I share photos I try not to speak any more than I have to and focus on listening instead. Pretty much everyone agreed that I needed to figure out what my compelling reason for photographing the moon every day is- because story is everything here. I knew that was going to be discussed. I have to do some deep thinking on my motivation. 

But then, I was "confused" (trying to think of a more accurate word...) when people started adding that my photos were not the "quality" photos would normally expect from a moon photo and that was all right, because I wasn't doing this project as a scientific type project but more as a conceptual project. I mean, not just one person said that. Many times during a critique people repeat what the person before them said (and YES, it is as annoying as it sounds) so I heard it at least 3 times from 3 different people. Hello? What the fuck are these chicks talking about? My images are perfectly exposed, moon details galore, sharp and crystal clear. I have ZERO idea what they meant by that. I need to come up with a way of bringing it up that doesn't sound like I am bring defensive. The one thing I can think of for this "not scientifically perfect" talking trend might be because I made a lower quality PDF with which to share the images. I only made it low quality so I wouldn't have trouble emailing a large file out to a group of people, so if that is the case those bitches are forgiven, but if there is some other reason they think my images are "low quality" then I want to slap some faces. Just kidding. I don't want to slap them, I just want to tell them they're wrong. Bitches.

I will not argue with the demented

So, this is a little funny. The other day I took an adderall because I needed to focus. I could be taking them every day, but it gives me headaches. So, as per doctor's orders, I have to save it for times when I really need to concentrate. Anyways, I had stuff to do that day which why when I promptly forgot I had taken the adderall I put some extra coffee powder in my morning beverage. Yay caffeine! I was so amped up afterwards that every time I spoke to the husband he told me "Why are you shouting? I'm right here" for the rest of the day. Hahahaha  

Speaking of things the husband says... Just now, at 9 0clock in the morning, he-who-sleeps-up-to-20-hours-a-day came hobbling out of his room, threw himself into the recliner and declared "You're up early!" to me. To me!  The audacity! Breathe I told myself Breathe, dammit! I mean, I am not going to go there with him. I will not go there with him. But LORD HAVE MERCY! I will not argue with the demented. I will not argue with the demented.

offer share

Ive been able to see the moon the past fews days, and I don't want to sound ungrateful or anything but it's all been pretty much the same photo of a moon on a plain blue background (or black at night) Today I showed up at the beach just before the moon was scheduled to rise because my hope was to catch the moon rising through that horizon haze and hopefully see some other color besides blue along with a very pale moon. I definitely saw it at the earliest possible moment, people around me could not see it, but I don't think there was much sky color variation. In a perfect world I would be facing the moon every moment I was awake with a fully charged camera battery and camera right beside me, and I would never miss an opportunity. I have to admit that yesterday, I had some errands to do in the early afternoon, and just figured I would capture the moon photo once I was finished and then while driving around I could see the moon surrounded by big fluffy 3D looking perfectly sunlit clouds, and I was an hour's drive from the camera and I was kicking myself for not tossing it into the car and bringing it with me.By the time I got back to the camera not an attractive cloud was in sight.  Live and learn, right?

The good news is that I picked up the supplies I will need to make the box for the bird book so as soon as I am ready to put the effort into it I should be ready to go. The only thing I think I might need is more utility knife blades, and I can get those at any hardware store.

Before I tackle the boxes I want to make more headway into editing the animal project. I have collected all of the little sequences from the work I originally pulled out, and realized as I was doing that that I had almost exclusively captured deer, so now I need to go back and pull those images out. Many of them will be foxes with dead animals in their mouths and marking the territory in front of the camera, but, that is what the foxes had to offer, so that is what I am going to share.

tiny little movie

Yesterday I knew I should be able to see the moon (mostly clear) and it was scheduled to rise at 10AM. The inaccurate phone app said the skies were likely to get cloudier as the day went on, so I grabbed my gear and headed to the beach for the wide open views and the level walking path (ankle still) for a 2-in-one photo outing and sweet pea walk. I got to the beach just after 10, checked my phone compass to see which direction I should be looking and waited/watched and waited/watched and waited/watched. No moon in sight.  While I waited/watched, I tried to cover my face from the biting wind, and kept walking back and forth on the small section of east/west facing beach front where dogs are allowed off the leash until April 1st to keep my blood flowing so I wouldn't freeze to death. And finally after a an hour of frustrating inability to see the moon, (was it the haze  on the horizon? The single band of cloud cotton candy streaking across the sky? Was I actually looking in the wrong direction? Am I insane? Living in an alternate reality where moon charts and compasses are not valid? Why can't I see the moon?) I got in the car to assess the situation and formulate a plan B. I rechecked my moon chart and my compass and I determined that I was looking in the right direction-ish, because now that the moon had been up for an hour I wasn't quite sure how high from the horizon in the sky it might be, but still, close enough that I should be able to locate it, and then in despair I looked out the windshield to think and BOOM! There she was, in all her glory, right in front of my frozen red wind chapped face. I got out of the car, removed my camera from the trunk, took a few shots, got back into the car, pulled into a different spot because on my way out I saw the cloud underneath the moon move enough to make a difference, got out of the car again, went through the motions again, and even managed a phone photo to show a friend before getting back into the car once more and heading back to the gloriously warmed 21st century poorly designed by a builder without a sense of how to live and function in a modern house. It's an interesting feeling to both loathe this abomination of design and find comfort in the fact that it is about 60 degrees warmer inside than it is outside.

Today I woke up to sleet followed by nonstop rain (at least it isn't snowing) and it is unlikely I will get to view the moon at all today. According to the inaccurate phone app it is likely to rain into the wee hours of the morning but then clear up around noon tomorrow so at least, as far as I can tell, I will have a chance at seeing the moon tomorrow afternoon. Tomorrow the moon rises at 10:50 and should be out all day. Day shots of the moon are way more interesting because there is a greater chance of something else besides the black night sky being in the photo, like a colorful sky, or a cloud. I was disappointed to see that someone has already done what I am trying to do here, but I will just keep on making photos anyways because as I have said a million times before... As long as I have a project to work on I am okay. That and a nickel will get you a cup of coffee. (in a long ago world where coffee didn't come from a boutique coffee shop and cost about half of a mortgage payment)  But I have convinced myself that it is true, so I have to keep on doing this project at least as long as I don't have a next project lined up.

I know people can befriend crows, and that is truly what I would like to do. However, the crows don't often visit my yard. What I have been doing is making the same weird smoochie sounds (I don't know how far a crow can hear for) every time I put the bird seed out for the rest of the birds and they have gotten to know me. This morning I decided to put some seeds out despite the inclement weather. The skies were silent as I approached the wall where I scatter the seeds. I made the smoochie sounds and all of a sudden the flock of mourning doves started to fly from branch to branch in the rear yard trees. Sparrows and doves will come for the seeds while I am still close to the wall. Not the blue jays and cardinals though. That's fine. I' have seen how those blue jays can be with the other birds, and they are just fine keeping their distance from me. This summer I have seen way less robins than last summer and I recall reading something about a robin disease and I am afraid to go down that rabbit hole in case it is super bad. I want all the birds to flourish. Just like I want all of the back yard animals to be healthy and not get sick or eaten too.

Speaking of the backyard animals, I realized that the best way to edit my animals series is by making little 3,4,or5 image clips which include the best photos of them all. So, now I have to go through again from the beginning and pull out little vignettes so the reader can really see what happened like they're watching a tiny little movie. This has potential! I'm pretty excited.

e d i t i n g

I went into the grocery store again today but I didn't have it in me today to call the selfish maskless bastards out. I guess my anger reserves were low, probably because I feasted on delicious vietnamese food last night and I loved every bite of it, made even more delicious by the fact that I didn't have to prepare it, I was so satisfied. I was so happy and content. Anyways, Today, while in the store, I simply steered clear of those trash pile humans. Then I had therapy and I discussed that woman from last week with my therapist, and how shook I was upon realizing that she was not viscously in-your-face, middle finger, maskless, but rather completely ignorant with no outward anger, only innocent misinformed confusion. (or in plain english: STUPID AS FUCK). We had a long talk about how all of this anger and resentment I allow myself does not serve me, as it only makes me physically ill and mentally weary and how I have to stop. Just stop. I have to accept that I do have to walk this earth alongside scum bag peeps who couldn't give a rat's ass about anyone other than themselves. And when I am wallowing in the anger of that I'm only hurting myself. I know that! I know! But it isn't fair. I treat people how I would like to be treated and I want the same respectful treatment back. It's never gonna happen. So, I am going to work on this, but not until after I write a letter and send it to every person who has a local social media platform in hopes that someone publishes it and it can maybe have the effect of some of those fuck face stupid assholes behaving better. (Not being angry, just accurately describing) I will copy the letter here once I am finished with it. Then I will "let it go."

Okay: topic shift: The animal photos. So, I wanted so bad to keep track of each day and what was happening but doing that completely threw me off. I was taking forever to both catalog the animals and their activity and also edit the better images out of the folders. Something about going back and forth between looking and writing really messed with my groove. I really wanted to mostly edit and that is what I ended up doing. I wished I had an assistant sitting near by so that I could dictate while editing and the assistant could record what I wrote. I discussed this with the editor today and she suggested I do a voice to text recording thing while I do a re-edit and then I can have everything typed out. Sounds like a good plan. Let's see how it goes.

What I did to edit was I pulled hundreds of photos out, then I divided them into folders by specific action/attitude/scene, and then I did a more severe edit by pulling out only the top images from those folders into a single folder and somewhere in there I think I lost the intimacy that leads to the tender feelings for the animals that I have and want the viewer to walk away with too. I'm pretty sure it boils down to repetition, because watching the deer or foxes do the same things over and over season after season is the thing that creates what I want to do. In the end the question will be: How many images can I possibly put in a single book?  Obviously since I just put 286 images into my bird book, I can put almost 300 images into it. That's a long book. (another long book) I have to think this one through. Maybe long books is my pandemic thing. Time passing is definitely one of the themes here. Anyways, I think I need to do another edit and in this next edit I will find some number of images that fall in between not enough and ridiculously too much. The other decision I am grappling with is wether or not to separate the actions in the book or not. I think that presenting the actions in the isolated way, like in chapters, gets to the point faster but then I would have to present it so that it relives the year long project over and over 6 or 7 times through each topic. I dunno. I guess I will have to start with the book dummies again and see what makes sense once I hold it in my hand. I am trying to avoid making 15 different book dummies like I did with the bird book. It would be fantastic to get it right the first time but I also want to cap the number book dummies. Maybe 3? I don't know. 

sarge

OMG  I think the last time I posted was the last time I saw the moon. You maybe wondering, clouds? And would say Nay! Twas the brilliant sun outshining the slender crescent moon making it im-fucking-possible to see and the moon wasn't even out in the dark. Followed by clouds. So, yes to clouds but only after two days where the little baby nail clipping sized moon trailed close behind the glaring fireball sun which was so freaking bright it effectively blinded the human eye for half of the day time sky. Sigh. Then yesterday, after a day of dreary clouds I saw some sunshine, grabbed sweet pea and the camera and headed down to the beach for that open sky view of the moon setting, and there was only a small edge of sky which was cloaked in cloudiness and ... you guessed it. Western sky. Blanketed. Moon was obscured. Dammit. I did manage a cool pick of a flock of seagulls flying in a dusky pastel twilight sky though, so that was nice. But that playing-hard-get moon is really yanking my chain. I'm hoping this gets better as the winter subsides.

I am really going back and forth on the decision to make a photo in the direction of the moon even when I can not see the moon just so I have a photo from that day, but I gotta admit that on the days when I have no hope of seeing the moon (like today which was foggy and raining the entire day) I just have no hope. Enthusiasm for anything these days is slim slim slim.

So, speaking of the beach, I have been going down there for both the open skies and because I can take sweet pea for a slow level grounded walk (sprained everything, remember?) and we had an incident which was completely not our fault a couple of nights ago. Long story short, some screeching probably teenaged girls were there with a nasty dog named Sarge, (I know his name because they were screeching it) who was off leash, ran up to sweet pea and immediately began to attack her. Stay calm. She is fine. I yelled NO! NO! and probably some other dog command, I don't know, I was scared and angry, (Get the fuck off her is a dog command, right?) and pushed Sarge away but he came back and then since the only thing I had in my hand was my camera I went to stick the honking huge 300mm lens between his teeth and her head and maybe I hit him in his gigantic head with the 10 pound lens, or maybe I will deny it in a court of law. In either case, getting bonked with an enormous camera lens startled Sarge enough that I opened the car door for sweet pea, told her to hop in, and then closed her in. Thinking she was safe I opened the rear hatch to put my camera in and get sweet pea her traditional post walk peanut butter dog treat, and fucking Sarge jumped into my trunk area and started to go for her over the top of the seat. I reached in with one hand, and tried to grab the beast but he didn't even have a collar on! He also had super short pitty hair, so I couldn't even get a good grip on it. Luckily for my left arm Sarge was not aggressive towards people, and didn't bother fighting back with me. (I had a firm grip on my camera with my right hand) I think if he had turned on me I would have let loose 56 years of pent up anger and that would have been the end of Sarge and maybe my beloved 300mm lens (which is unharmed BTW). Finally one of the screeching young women comes over next to me and when she takes a breath from screaming I calmly turn to her and say Could you just drag your dog out of my car? and she reacted as if this was a remarkably unique idea and then she dragged her dog out of my car. I jumped into the drivers seat, and quickly drove behind her car to get her license plate - just in case- texted it to Josh because thats what I do, and being all shook and stuff drove back to the house as calmly as I could. Sweet pea was fine, there was no blood but she was definitely shook too and for the first couple of hours she was positively watching me and listening to my tone to see if we were going to be calm or if we were going to be freaked out. I faked calm enough for her to be calm. I'm fool-the-dog good folks. Fucking Sarge.

Tomorrow I will tell you all about the tremendous amount of progress I made on my backyard animal editing. Right now I am so tired I can barely focus. Also, the cursing. Did you notice? I must get sailor language when I am tired.