clickmom

proud

For the second time this week (I did not think it would be possible) I dashed outside because the possibility of seeing the moon was there, despite the weather showing up as completely cloudy on my always incorrect phone weather app,  and managed to get in some moon captures right before the entire sky covered up with clouds. Also, just as I was thinking it would be nice if some clouds moved into the frame, some clouds moved into the frame! My reaction? I am singing and dancing all over the house. My current level of happiness is joyfully over the top and I know it. This is more than a sense of accomplishment, it is sheer joy. The pandemic bar is low guys, low. A single image has the power to make my day, the lack of one to crush it.

Now, in a normal world I would probably suggest to anyone who would listen that it might not be the best move to link the moon's visibility with their level of daily happiness and fulfillment, but..... Here I Am. Not only am I here, but, we all know how my mind works, and even though taking a daily photo of the moon was my own idea, I was not challenged by anyone outside of my own private thoughts, and even my photo coach seemed to pause on this idea, as if she didn't know how to tell me that it kind of maybe sucked a little bit and would be a hard sell in the end, I decided I would do it simply because I had committed to the idea TO MYSELF IN MY OWN HEAD and now I can not quit because I have that hang up that tells me I WILL NOT BE A QUITTER. Some times that hang up works in my favor, like when I had the realization that the twisted grad school head of the program thought he was more powerful if he could get as many people as possible to drop out. I didn't care if I was the only one who crawled onto campus that last session. I was not going to quit. I was going to crawl out of there with my degree and his psychological issues were not going to get the better of me. (over 1/3 of my class did not make it to graduation) It had become a contest of wills. Game on! And then sometimes the whole not quitting thing morphs into an inability to change gears kind of thing and I get stuck. Stuck with all sorts of things I should quit, like way less than ideal relationships. (Having a breakthrough moment here, now I have a topic for my next therapy session)

I'd really like to tie up the night animal project, I am 100% done (more like suddenly OVER IT. My enthusiasm for putting that camera out every night is no where to be found) with the photographing part. Interestingly enough, I only "forgot" to put the camera out one single night of the entire year. Not bad right? I did have to cancel plans due to over the top weather conditions a few times, and before I mastered the cement trail camera support there were a few nights of technical difficulties due to wind (sky pics anyone?) and also a few nights where the camera wasn't quite pointed correctly, but all in all I'd say that out of the 365 days of 2021 I probably got >350 of them right, so I am feeling pretty satisfied with my record. If I could turn back time though, I did drop the ball on the daily editing after I had to replace the camera, and I would absolutely let my past self know that future self will be kicking past self  because it isn't tough to edit daily with the thrill of last night's capture fresh on the screen. It is tough to edit thousands and thousands and thousands of images when one lets over 4 months of photos slip through without pulling out the great ones. Just saying. (shaking my head) I tend to get sleepy when sitting in front of the computer too long in any situation, but clicking through monotonous streams of single deer chewing and chewing and chewing, while waiting for that spark image to show up, is tough and I am having trouble making myself do it even though I want to get an edit down to only the spark images. Last night I stopped on August 28th. I am going to try to finish up the year in the next few days. I am telling myself, no wasting time on social media (which has become a serious time suck for me, might need a social media intervention, but I am so fucking bored between hiding away from covid and trying to nurse this slow healing ankle back to health) and all those movies can wait too. Let's get this torture over with so I can begin the fun part of MAKING THE BOOK!! Oh my gosh, I am rubbing my hands together in evil scientist type anticipation. I am already designing layout alternatives in my mind. Years ago I saw an ancient book that could open in 6 different ways and I am thinking that this book may be a candidate for that technique. I guess I will be back in the hand made book groove once again. Maybe this time there will be both a handmade book and also I boxed set of mass produced books. I have decided that going forward I want to make all of my handmade books in editions of 18. You know, for good luck.

And lastly. I am so proud of myself. My shower drain suddenly stopped draining and I knew there was probably some huge 11 year accumulation of  gross hair ball down there. I attempted to do it myself but the shower drain appears to be grouted into the floor so long story short, I put my back into spasm lying across the step into the shower trying to scrape the grout around the drain away so I could pry it out and then pulling so hard to no avail. In the end I took a 2 day break to let the back calm down and think this through and I put a foot stool in the shower to lay across and managed to make a hook out of the metal hanger and pulled the entire clog out in long thin disgusting strands of goop coated hair. And now the drain is so clear that I can hear the water echoing as it spills down. Who needs a plumber? Not me! Just kidding. I think I might need a plumber because the husband has either fallen on or leaned too hard onto his bathroom sink and I think it's coming off the wall. Same with his toilet. It wiggles. My hanger isn't going to be much help in this situation. I am trying to figure out how to ask the plumber to see his vaccination card though. I won't let someone in this house if they're unvaccinated. I'm afraid that plumbers aren't going to be the most vaccinated group of people. You know?

 

Little wins

So. I was bumming pretty hard after 2 days of clouds and no moon. Today looked iffy. Clouds in the AM and partly cloudy for the rest of the day. I have learned that partly cloudy has a very broad range of cloudiness and since it’s also been arctic temperatures out there, I can’t stand outside with the camera and watch the skies for hours at a time in hopes of getting a glimpse. Also, let’s be real, that lens is huge and heavy. I’m not carrying it around anywhere.

I woke up not feeling hopeful today, checked the phone weather app, saw that it was allegedly totally cloudy felt sad then I wondered if it was going to be not cloudy before the moon goes down at 11 o’clock. I really like it when I can get an early-in-the-day shot so the pressure is off for the rest of of the day. Finally I had to get up and thought I’d just take my shower but then, I told myself to just take a quick peek out of the window on the slim chance that I can see the moon and….. I looked out the window I could see the moon. So excited!!! But naked so I grabbed my bathrobe, put it on while limping down the stairs (because going down the stairs is still really painful thanks to the sprained ankle) l ran outside and took pictures of the gorgeous half moon surrounded by striped clouds and just as I said to myself “OK this is what I need! I’m done” I looked up and a thick giant cloud mass cover crossed over the moon and now you can’t see the moon anymore and I cannot tell you what a good day I was already having and it was only 8:30. The cloudiness has only gotten cloudier. I have to remember to listen to that little voice in my head. I was (out loud) thanking the universe, my guardians, and the spirits of my departed friends and loved ones. Little wins like this are everything to me these days.

vacation

First, the moon thing. 

I am continuing to photograph the moon when I can see it, damned clouds, but I am not at all sure where I am going with this. I mean, not at all sure. Today the moon was not supposed to set until 9:30ish, so I went outside with the camera a 8:30 to scope out the situation and decide if I should hop into the car and drive over to the beach where the skies are unobstructed,  only to feel biting cold air on my face, seeping through my cheap knit gloves and even my winter coat (though admittedly I did not layer up underneath since I was only heading for the backyard) and now I know why. It's freaking 12 degrees out there, which is not a temperature that a camera is capable of functioning in. I mean, in a desperate situation I could drive to the beach, sit in my car, angled just right, and quickly roll the window down when I wanted to make an image. But, it was cloudy to the west and I didn't feel like driving all the way over there for nothing, especially since sweet pea is so walk deprived thanks to me being most likely to wipe out on a patch of ice and following through on that and managing to sprain every part that bends... well you know how that's been, and it would not be nice to make her sit in the car at a place where she could be frolicking in the sand and eating all of the dead silver colored fish that have washed ashore. Yes, she is fond of frozen fish. I have been taking her for hobbles around the playing fields because they are paved and therefore level-ish. (some areas are in need of repair) But I am still limping and cognizant of the possibility that by limping I might throw my back out so I don't want to visit that special department of pain and I am not going for long limps around the fields, only the short version.

Anyways, a photo of the moon at night is just a dot on a black background. A photo of the moon during the day might have some clouds or birds or other things to differentiate it from all of the other photos. I  have been doing this for a month now, so the moon has waned and waxed and now it is waning again, so there are those observable differences, but once the moon goes through one cycle will there be a point of photographing it again other than an exercise in attentiveness? I just don't know. In some ways this experiment feels like all of the frustration of the Longest Day project just stretched out over a longer period of time. I don't know, maybe I need to frustrate myself just to feel frustration that isn't related to the husband.

Speaking of the husband.... He told me that he needed more long lasting insulin, but I knew there were 4 pens of it in the fridge and I got it out of him that he thought the pens were defective because they were difficult to twist the dosage dial and then wouldn't even release the insulin. Now, I don't know about you, but that sounds like a clogged needle to me, so I asked the husband, who has a sick relationship with changing the needles on his pens (as in, he won't) if he had changed the needle on his pen. He angrily (?), obviously annoyed at my questioning, (which is interesting because he typically doesn't express emotion any more) declared the needle not to be the problem, so I asked to see the "defective" pens, and in front of the husband I changed the needle and VOILA! problem solved. I asked him if he saw the dose of insulin spray out of the needle, which he didn't because he is legally blind and can barely see anything, so, in order for him to accept that liquid did come out of the needle, I took a tissue and dramatically wiped the insulin off of my pant leg, and then I handed him back his perfectly functioning insulin pen, told him to take his shot, and walked towards the kitchen to make dinner. Under his breath, but loud enough for me to hear he mumbled "jerk."

JERK????

Oh hell, NO. I whipped my head around, and called him out on that. Folks, I once told him to shut up when HE WOULD NOT SHUT UP and he responded as if I had physically attacked him. Name calling?? We do not name call, now or ever in this house. Oh no, no no. So I gave him the old verbal slice and dice......  a few times over the course of the evening. I may have also thrown in there that I get the (begin sarcasm now) honor and privilege (end sarcasm now) to prepare his food each and every day so he might want to choose his words with care.

And this is cute. The next day, he told me that he was "thinking of sending me and a friend on a photographer's tour vacation."  HAHAHAHAHAHA. This is a combination delusional fantasy insult all rolled into one. Now on the surface it looks like a sweet gesture (in lieu of an actual apology, which I did not get)  but let me break this down for you....

1. We live off of his disability which is approximately 1/10th of his pre-2009 economy crash salary. We are not rich anymore. It was fun while it lasted. We have nothing left to show for his high earning days, he spent it all.
2. He does not know my friends, let alone which ones I would want to "vacation" with.
3.  Vacation? What is a vacation? Last vacation I had was Christmas 2014.
4. The husband requires almost 24 hour a day care or at least supervision. (He said Josh could take care of him during his summer vacation from college)  Uh, yeah, THAT WOULD BE A HARD PASS. a. I am trying to minimize the amount of therapy our children will require after watching their father slowly kill himself over the course of their entire life times. b. the last time Josh was "in charge" was when I had vertigo and they ate takeout food every night. The husband ended up with a blood sugar of 776 (Josh doesn't know the husband needs to be reminded (nagged) to take his insulin) and please recall, the husband fell flat on his face, ended up unconscious and also gave himself a nice shiner as well as a concussion and subsequent 4 day hospitalization. Yeah, babysitting dad is not gonna happen, ever. I will not put that responsibility on my kids. As a matter of fact, when I was lying on the driveway waiting for the pain of sprained everything to subside so I could get up and access the situation the one thought that I had was that I could not be out of commission. Everything depends on me to run smoothly around here.
5. WE ARE STILL KNEE DEEP IN A PANDEMIC and not only can't you make me go anywhere but I refuse to make long distance plans because I don't need any more disappointment in my life than the disappointment I already have about my current life situation.
6. ***This one is really important to me, I am an "artist", creating art with meaning that hopefully moves other people to at least think but hopefully to feel something. I have an MFA, and am not some retiree who wants to sit in a shuttle bus and get driven around to scenic overlooks to take the exact same postcard photos as all of the retirees on the shuttle bus. You know, those with some spare cash who decided that it was actually their life's dream to be photographers so they went out and bought an expensive piece of equipment and now they think they are "pro" photographers. This alone indicates to me that the husband still, even an MFA later, considers photography to be "my little hobby" (as he once put it) and has absolutely zero knowledge or appreciation or INTEREST in what I am doing. Photography is my life line right now. Without my CREATIVE outlet, I would have a nothing life. This is an INSULT to me as an artist.

Yeah, now it is time to make breakfast for mr. disability. He is so lucky. So lucky. I am an absolute saint and a goddess and he has no idea how lucky he is.

postal

I'm not sure when I did this but I enrolled sweet pea into a dog aging project and I have to fill out these questionnaires from time to time. Just now I filled out one that asked how emotionally distraught I will be when my dog dies so I am crying while I write this. I would have loved her no matter what, but she is just so freaking wonderful. I loved bear bait, but damn, that girl was hard to love. She was anxious, clingy, and she whined A LOT. She was so hard to train. It took me over a year of intense training to get that girl 100% reliable so I could walk her off leash. I was walking sweet pea off leash after 3 weeks. She is just so easy going. When she wants to go out, I do it because I love her and I feel nothing but love for her. When bear bait asked to go out, I'd feel so put upon. It was a completely different experience. Okay. Now I'm not crying any more. I just need a tissue.

Yesterday I entered a store for the first time since before christmas. It was the pharmacy, the one that anti-maskers seem to target. There were unmasked people in there- the worst being an unmasked middle aged dumpy guy with his unmasked maybe 12 year old son. This is what I did. (Not planned BTW) After paying for my prescriptions at the pharmacy in the back of the store I pointed to the 6 masked people on the pharmacy line behind me and told the woman sitting in the waiting area that we all hate her because she is so fucking irresponsible and she should put on a god damned mask. (Haha! The look of shock on her face was priceless!!) Then I turned around and there was a seriously old little shriveled woman standing there without a mask and I said "That goes for you too old lady, put a Fing mask on. Then while exiting the store I glanced towards the check out line and saw the frumpy dude with his kid. I paused at the door. I registered 3 masked people in front of and 3 more behind the dude, The cashier had a mask on, I just knew they wanted to say something too and we are all too polite to that (well, normally)  and so.... I shouted HEY ASSHOLE! PUT A MASK ON. Frumpy looked up at me and took a step out of line. I shouted NO ONE WANTS TO BREATHE YOUR AEROSOL. and ducked out of there, speed walked to the car and high tailed it home, checking to make sure I wasn't being followed.  Hahahaha. I hate these brainwashed selfish bastards. But you know what weighs on me? I am so bothered by frumpy setting an awful example of thoughtlessness and selfishness for his kid.

The husband is sure someone is going to rage kill me if I keep doing this. I think I'll keep my kittle bear mace canister on a bracelet around my wrist. But really, I am just saying what the responsible are all thinking. These I could not care less of these morons get themselves sick but they better not get me sick. I keep telling people that if I end up sick I and even if I die, I will be more angry than sick, I will be more angry than suffering or sad. It is beyond comprehension that I have no option but to live alongside these scum of the earth low life plague rats. 

Surprise visitor

Two nights ago just as the husband looked at each other for confirmation that it was indeed time to go to sleep a frigging bat flew out of the chimney and began to frantically fly around the main floor of our house.

It was going back and forth in the family room. I jumped off the couch, pulled my house shawl over my head and ducked and screamed every time it came towards me. I did pause to notice both the bat’s large size (it was not a baby bat!), it’s gorgeous blackness and the sound of its flapping wings. The sound is what really impressed. You could hear the air being moved as this creature flew back and forth.

I ran (hobbled, to be precise) to the front door, threw it open and then ran to the kitchen door and the family room door opening both of them in hopes that the bat would free itself. Of course I lost track of the bat while running from door to door and the legally blind husband couldn’t even figure out what was going on. And then it was silent. No more flapping bat wings.

Did the bat find its way to freedom?? I hoped so. I took sweet pea outside for her nightly last chance to pee and then held my breath as I checked the house for bat presence.

The downstairs looked good. Was I afraid to go upstairs? Yes. But I turned off all the lights, still guarding my head against possible bat connection, and went upstairs. I looked around, I didn’t see anything and I didn’t hear anything. I got ready for bed. Of course my imagination created sounds where there were no sounds but hopefully the bat actually did get out of the house. I didn’t see or hear anything yesterday. Am I about to internet search how long a bat can live when trapped in a house? You betchya.

emails I sent

Had to schedule a zoom meeting today and this is the intro I made to go along with the "invitation" that I copied and pasted from the zoom website:

 

THE SPAZ is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Listen, my accident prone self managed to slip and fall on the one spot that is always icy in the driveway of the house I have lived in since 2011. (I should know these things from year to year, but, NO)

So, I did go to the orthopedist yesterday. The good news is nothing is broken.

The bad news is that both my knee and ankle are impressively sprained and there is some possible nerve shit going on that may or may not require further investigation. Time will tell, I have to wait for the swelling to go down. So, the nerve stuff… yeah, my leg goes partially numb and gets bizarrely painful when I am in the sitting position, so I’m thinking I will log into this meeting from both my phone and my computer- the computer so that I can see files if someone is sharing and the phone so that I can stand or move if necessary. SO, if my screen(s) are off it is because I am trying not to be a big distraction. Oy vey. If you know me long enough this does not come as a surprise. I can trip on air.

In other news a certain segment of the population is now drinking their own urine and taking hormone blocking drugs (the ones that trans people take) in lieu of getting a covid vaccine. The hormone blockers can cause sterility. So, that’s happening too.

It’s a crazy world we live in!!

(wo)man down

One part of me wishes I could experience the world as the husband does, just for a few minutes because that is all I could probably take. I imagine that he experiences emotions the way that the rest of can smell when our noses are jam packed with snot.

On Saturday, after frustratingly not being able to start the snow blower on Friday because the valve to the gas line was turned, the blower repair dude (so freaking embarrassing) came and twisted it. I do not pretend to know what I am doing, I only push the snowblower, ok? I mean, I am the worker bee, not the mechanically astute bee... anyway...... OMG where is the sentence here? English teachers look away! After the guy came, I went out to snow blow and slipped in the driveway. Of course. To make matters even worse, I had been texting with the editor and she told me Be Careful! before I went out, and I was uncharacteristically f^cking annoyed that she said that, as if I were not able to snow blow, I mean, Come On!! So, naturally, there is a patch of ice below a dusting of snow which I wipe out on. Guys.... the pain was real. I had to lie on my back and stare at the sky for a couple of minutes just so I didn't pass out.  Then I tried to get up, but couldn't because I was on the ice patch, and then for the second time in just a matter of days, I had to crawl off of an icy patch, but my right leg said GET THE HELL OFF OF ME, so I kind of slid most of the way by pushing myself with my left leg, and this time my right leg was not bearing weight, so I had to crawl over to the car and use it for support while I pulled myself up only using the left leg.

Long story, less long, I knew I was in trouble, so I actually did limping snow blow the driveway immediately and in immense pain for fear the entire thing would soon be a sheet of ice and I would not be able to leave the house until spring, then I came inside, pulled my swollen ankle out of the boot, and commenced with the icing. Did I say ankle? Yup. Did I say Knee? Not yet! Did I mention the strange pain long the front of my leg, strangely running along my shark bite scar? Not yet!!! I'm gonna put this out there for you, it hurt so much I was making pain noises and I am the one who birthed two of my children without any pain relief pretty much silently. Okay? Do you get the level of pain radiating off of my leg? Every time I got up to either get the ice packs or put the ice packs back into the freezer I made the noises. Also, the leg would stiffen so much that I couldn't even bear full weight on it until the fourth or fifth hobble. My leg is also turning outwards, I do not know what that means.

When I announced to the husband what I had done he said something along the lines of "Oh no, that sounds painful" and that, stock reaction, that insincere without an ounce of emotion or caring behind it was the one and only thing he said regarding my newly injured condition. Bizarre. Over the next two days he did say things like "Wanna make me a sandwich?" and "What's for dinner?" But has he said a single word about the agonizing pain I am in? No. It is freaky folks. I could be lying on the floor writhing on the floor in front of him and the closest I get to acknowledgement might be something along the lines of "Do we have any cheese in the house?" My pain does not register with him. Not in the least and it is so f^cking weird. I wanna know what it feels like to not feel any emotion, but I only wanna know it for a few minutes because honestly, as someone who feels all the feels, maybe even an unhealthy amount of all of the feels, I imagine it is an empty and hollow place to live.

Anyways, the knee and the ankle aren't nearly as bad as they were on Saturday (OMG, Saturday was brutal)  but as the pain in them subsides I realize that the pain in the front of my leg is either getting worse or becoming more noticeable. I would love to get this checked out but on the slim chance that I did something which requires a cast ... I just don't see how that would work out. I mean, first I would literally be stranded at the orthopedist because it's my right leg and naturally I would drive myself there and if I couldn't drive back then, I don't know what I would do. I guess I could try to call a friend who has a driving age kid and see if they could come together and pick me up and one drives my car back, but....yeesh. That is not the independent way I would like to think about myself. Also, in the back of my mind I have a feeling they're just going to tell me I need to wear that orthopedic boot device and I have one of those and I wore it for 4 days before it caused my back to go out, so ... you know, I have to make a choice over here. Slipping discs is not preferable over shin pain. I mean, if I can walk on it, it's not broken, right? I don't know what to do. It can't be broken. That is not an option. I just can't go there.

cloud project

The whole moon project has not gotten off to a great start.

That is an understatement.

To be more accurate, the whole moon project looks like a big fail thanks to a solid week of solid cloud filled skies and if I am going to move forward with the images I have thus far I think I have to think of it as something other than a moon project. Which I figured out a few days ago, and I decided that making any image looking up at the very time I would like to be photographing the moon might have to count as a stand in. Yesterday I lucked out with a flock of vultures hanging out in my trees. Today I saw a cute little woodpecker. But, I think that is how it is going to have to go down. I am picturing this book being laid out with one week per spread and choosing one image from each week to be larger than the rest on each spread. Kind of like a weekly calendar with a highlight. And hopefully the highlights will be all moon shots. Or not, it's really too soon to say. After this past week I can imagine an even longer stretch of moon blocking clouds out there.  I'm only 10 days into what is either going to a one season/3 month project or another year long document to prove my existence during this hellish time of personal and world wide pain and suffering. 

Oh my gosh, the clouds parted for a quick minute today. I saw sunshine and I dashed over to the camera and ran out the door and frantically looked around to where I thought the moon might be, to no avail. Then thinking the moon might be tough to see because it was visible as the thinnest of thin crescents I pulled my phone out for a quick internet search and. You. Are. Not. Going. To. Believe. This.  There was no moon today. None. Dejected, I dragged myself back inside plopped down on the couch and watched as the clouds swallowed up any blue for the remainder of the day.

edit: I did some internet searching and found out that in my area the winter months average 7 clear days and 7 partly sunny days PER MONTH, as in LESS THAN HALF OF THE TIME will I even have the opportunity TO SEE the clear sky and the moon (insert the sound of me weeping) which means the moon project can no longer be referred to as the moon project. I mean, calling it the MOON project would be too a much of a stretch even for an optimist like moi. Maybe I will shift over to calling it the skies project. At this point a clouds project would be more successful than a moon project. Dammit.

I was supposed to talk with the new shrink a couple of days ago and I texted him, as per usual, to let him know I was ready at our prearranged time. Normally he calls or texts me back right away. When that didn't happen I knew in my gut he had covid. He texted me back hours later and said he had tested positive and had laryngitis. This got me thinking a worse case scenario situation in which he doesn't make it. I feel like I am slow motion going through a bit of a breakthrough these days, so that would be unfortunate for me, but, I wondered, would I be able to continue this progress without him? I think so. And he has written a bunch of books which I could always read. I haven't read them because I am well aware of reading not being my most effective learning style, but in a pinch I know it would be better than dead ending this momentum. Also, let's be real, he says the same things to me over and over so, I pretty much know what his response to whatever I am discussing will be. I am a bit nervous about him though, I can't explain it, I just have a bad feeling about his future health.

I have been having super vivd dreams for a couple of weeks now. In one particular dream I was pushing the husband up a street in his wheelchair when I spot a polar bear coming towards us. I turn to run down someone's driveway to hide behind their house and pushing the wheelchair is definitely slowing me down. You know where my dream mind went. It went to the bad place. Just for a second, but I did dream push him to safety. Even in my dream state I realized that my thought had been rather harsh. Then I saw a crowd of people walking with the polar bear as if he was the hero in a small town local parade, and that was when I knew the whole world had gone crazy. Also, why a polar bear? Why not a brown bear which would be an actual possibility. Even my dream self recognized how odd of a threat the choice a polar bear is. My mind, what a mystery.