clickmom

moon hurdles

So, this whole moon project is tough to get my head around. First of all.... THE CLOUDS!!  Oh my goodness. I have never paid such careful attention to the clouds before and it has been so torturously cloudy this past week. SO many freaking clouds. SO many freaking thick white, no light can shine through clouds. I have been frantically checking the moon schedule and there is so much to cause anxiety here. First of all, when the moon sets in the AM (every day so far) then, the rest of the day there is no option to photograph the moon, so I feel a bit... lost? restless? I don't know the word for what I am feeling. Oh wait, yes I do. Anxious. Yeah, definitely anxious. Because this week in particular, with all of the holidays right here, I have nothing on the calendar so I am thinking constantly about what to work on, and all I want to do is grab my camera and head out. But, between the moon being on the other side of the earth and a big bowl of thick white clouds over us when it is out over here equals nothing in sight.

But then good things happen, like this morning when I rolled over at 6:30 and decided to throw on clothes and head out the door, and there was the moon, all glowing because of the filmy clouds around it, but it was visible, and I watched and photographed it for about 20 minutes until the day brightened up so much it was becoming less and less possible to see and then I blinked and the entire sky is white again. Today it's the kind of white which says snow is possible, which I know because I checked the weather app and not because I am some kind of farmer's almanac type genius, and I am so beyond thrilled that I hauled my ass out of bed when I did. Today's moon would have been so easy to miss out on and I can't help but think there is a larger lesson to learn here. I have been known to say that you never regret taking action because in the end the worst case scenario is that your event is a total disaster and you end up with a great story. If you had not even tried then you would never know what could happen. I am so glad I seized my maybe one opportunity for a moon shot today. Even if these shots aren't the killer make me famous shots, I still have something to show for this day.

I need to spend some time thinking about the whole "something to show" aspect of deciding to do a daily project, a time is passing, and mark my existence on this day project. Why do something like this again? Why take on a daily project with a short-ish time limit even though I am just about to wrap up a whole year long project ?? (I love my backyard friends. Love them so much) I think there is a possibility that within the confines of this pandemic, or more accurately, because of the confines of this pandemic, not discounting the last 4 years before it started and how much my world had already shrunk, maybe, just maybe, there is a part of me that wants to shout I AM STILL HERE AND HERE IS THE PHOTOGRAPH WHICH PROVES MY EXISTENCE. I MADE ART ON THAT DAY.  Yeah, and by maybe I probably mean obviously, because I am so in my own head these days, that I'm getting pretty instantaneous in figuring out my motivations. Maybe this moon project should be called Proof of My Existence. And you know what? Maybe instead of a winter project this is going to become a year long project, too. And by maybe, I mean obviously, because in my head I am already designing the book I want to make at the end of the year, with the four rotating seasons of moons. I hope no one beats me to it.

Aside from the weather being in my way, the other thing I have to get used to is the timing of the moon rise and moon set, which changes from day to day! I am going to have to make my daily schedule around this little miracle time. Those are really the best times, due to the sky being somewhere between dark and light and the moon being visible while still being able to see detail in the area surrounding the moon. In the middle of the night it's just a moon surrounded by nothing. I suppose I could get really in deep with this and try to figure out when the moon will be close to bright constellations that could also show up in my photo.... but will I? I need an astronomer friend. Hmmm. I need someone who knows this stuff who wants to help out someone like me, who doesn't know this stuff at all, and also has unlimited patience. I wonder if that person exists around here. Not that I would ever need to see this person face to face even, but in the slim chance that this person exists and tell me when the exciting stuff will happen and more crucially, where I should stand to witness it, then I only have one more decision to make and that would be if I am willing to get up and be functional in the middle of the night because that is when the good things happen that we can see. I suppose I can't really decide if this is an option until I find that knowledgeable person. I know there is probably a website out there I could learn from but my learning style is through the spoken word. A person would be so much better for me. I'm going to post this so I can switch gears and see if anyone on my local facebook group has admitted to being an astrology geek.

For the record

Sent this to the SIL in a text. Decided I couldn’t explain it any better. So I’m copying and pasting.

So, we went to see the neurologist last week. I figured we would discuss the MRI. Weirdly she insisted on aggressively asking us the same whole battery of questions she asked 3 weeks ago. Also, she told us THREE times that “they don’t usually schedule appointments during this time and she wasn’t prepared” which could not have been more obvious. Also, she didn’t seem to remember us which is super strange since people tend to remember the 6’7” person. He’s not really forgettable and it had only been 3 weeks.

She said that all the changes I observe/report can be explained by the condition of his brain and that he needs to take better care of himself to possibly slow the progression. The shrinkage of his brain is in the highest category for what is typically seen for his age, (so, she is not quite convinced there is anything to diagnose there) as is the extra fluid that fills the space where the brain used to be. He will take none of her recommendations. He will not try to get aerobic exercise, he will not follow a Mediterranean diet, wear his CPAP device or socialize as much as possible. (He doesn’t have any real friends, so not quite an option for him) So, he’ll just continue to slowly waste away. So much fun for meeeee!

She had not compared the new MRI to the MRI from 5 years ago (seriously??) However, 5 years ago doctors told me there was atrophy in certain regions, so I’m guessing this is at least a little bit worse since she stated it was all over and not contained to certain regions. She got a bit frustrated when I asked if certain regions were more affected than others, and totally skirted my question, but like I said, frustrated is her overall demeanor.

She wants him to have a neurophysiological evaluation and that couldn’t be scheduled before April. So, it’ll be quiet around here until April. Barring any emergency doctor visits, I’m probably only going to take him to see his eye doctor in between to salvage what little amount of vision he still has. Last time we were there the eye doctor informed us that technically he is legally blind and would be eligible for state services if he needs rides to appointments etc… (Like I could send him off alone! He doesn’t understand a word they say) Maybe I’ll have to take him to have some blood tests run because his kidneys are teetering on the edge.

That’s all I got. It was pretty much a waste of time. I do not like this doctor at all. She can barely communicate. She is so agitated that I am agitated when we walk out. I’m shocked they hired her. That is so unlike any of the other doctors I’ve met there. Seems like the neurology department might be Y@le’s weakest link. Lots of bad reviews on line.

Anyways, that’s all I got for now. Stay safe. Hope everyone on your end is healthy.

moon

I've been doing a year long night time project photographing the animals which cross an opening in the stone wall which divides the backyard here in new town. Every night I set up a trail camera on side of the wall and capture who goes by.  When I began this project, a year ago, I got the trail camera to photograph the animals on the longest night, thinking it would be a follow up on my longest day series of work. That was a bust because I hadn't found the right angle from which to take the photos and also because only a couple of deer wandered by, making it a pretty boring night. So, determined to make the whole animal at night thing work, I found a better angle and then I decided to watch them through the camera every night. And I decided to doit for an entire year because at that point, I thought a year was a ridiculously long time. I thought the pandemic might be over with in another year (hahaha! The joke is on me!!)  and I even wondered if I would still be living in new town a year later because I live with the anxiety that every day could be the husband's last, and when he goes I gotta sell this place (not a hardship! I hate this house) and find a cheaper place to live. Also, let's be real, a year ago there were no vaccines quite yet and I still wondered if I might get covid and perish with a partially completed project.

Anyway, the animals came, but they were too fast for a clear photo so I put out a salt lick to slow them down. I was just hoping for a pause in front of the camera. I had no intention of feeding them because I didn't want to disturb their normal behavior. Then one of the foxes had a mangy tail, so I started to medicate him with ivermectin filled eggs (so ahead of the trends here! The price wasn't even jacked up when I bought it a year ago) and to keep him coming back every night (because I needed him to be consistent so that I could administer the medication on schedule) I started to drop peanuts in the opening, which the deer and the mice that live in the wall liked too. Then when the winter dwindled down and the animals began to shed their winter coats and they looked like they were all going bald and I freaked out because I thought they all had mange so I kept calling the local wildlife rehabilitator (I am totally going to offer him a book when I publish a book. I bothered him A LOT)) and he kept assuring me that they weren't going bald, just molting but, he said, it might be worse due to malnutrition and I could feed them, so I got one of those food blocks that the hunters use to lure the deer, except my block was completely there for the benefit of the deer and not my own murderous pleasure. At some point I left the camera out during the day and realized that all these birds land on the wall each morning so I got bird seed, too.  The deer ate down the food block and I didn't replace it for the summer, but each night I do toss down an egg (no longer medicated) because now in addition to the bonded pair of foxes I watched last winter there are 3 (I think) fox children hanging around, a few peanuts, maybe a chopped up apple, or some grapes, or other fruit, maybe a few pieces of dog kibble and if there is an abundance of some meat that is plain enough to share I try to sneak some of that out too. I have to keep an eye on sweet pea, because she knows when I have the good stuff in my hands and she wants it too. In the morning I go out with a handful of black sesame seeds and corn for the birds, even though I decided they weren't what I was interested in photographing at the wall. 

So, the year that felt as if it would never end, and that had a million different possibilities for disruption is coming to an end, and I am still here on this earth and still here in this spot. I'm glad I'm not dead, and I am glad I am getting to close out this year long project. It has brought me an incredible amount of joy to watch these animals each morning. I wake up and I have something to look forward to, in a year that left little to look forward to, smiling as I head outside with sweet pea to give her a morning chance to bathroom herself and to grab my camera full of potential.

That being said, I needed another project and, with the winter solstice breathing down my neck, being in the same place where I was last year, except instead of a vaccination on the horizon there is the new omicron variant which is threatening us all with it's increased rates of infection and unknown level of destruction. This pandemic isn't close to being over so I want (need would be a more honest word to use here) something with the same time passing level of routine as the nightly animal photos.  I felt a bit of a panic about not having a project as intense as the daily (nightly) animals at the stone wall opening to focus my energy towards so I started to ask myself the questions that always lead me to my next project and that question is "What am I fixated on these days? What am I looking at?" The answer there is The Moon. I have been on the lookout for the moon and I have been paying attention to it's phase and I know it is because it seems to affect the animals and I am trying to see the patterns in there.

I have decided to photograph the moon for every day/night of the winter. This is a bit more complicated, because the moon is on it's own schedule, and shows itself when it feels like showing itself, not only when it's dark like my forest/backyard friends, but okay, I can look up the moon rise and moon set times on charts, but I didn't take into account TOTAL CLOUD COVER. I went out with my camera the night before the first day of winter to make sure I remembered how to set the camera up to photograph the moon, which I did, and I woke up on the first day of winter, grabbed my trusty camera, ran out in my bathrobe to photograph the moon on the first morning of winter, took a shower, and then ran back out an hour later to photograph the moon again because the moon had moved and the day had brightened. I was off to a great start! Then the first day of winter clouded up and by the time the moon rose again in the evening it was so cloudy that there wasn't even a bright spot where the moon should be. And I just woke up on the second day of winter to find that it's raining and the cloud cover is still so dense that the moon isn't visible again. Can we all put our hands together and hope for a visually interesting 3 months of moon sightings? I am planning on doing this project even if I end up with a season full of boring photos but it sure would be nice if it worked out differently.

CRUSHED

Well. My childhood came crashing down on me yesterday. Crashing down? I don't even know the words for for what happened. Let me explain...

As a kid I loved The S0und of Muzak (misspelled to deter googlers). As far as I know it was the only movie I went to see multiple times, I loved it so much. I know I went at least 3 times because the third time I went there were some obnoxious teenagers making fun of the movie and I tried to explain it to them, because I was a big dork. I recall telling them I was an authority on the movie because I was about to see it (or maybe had seen it?) for the third time. obviously, they laughed at me.

Any hoo... I loved the movie so much that I managed to convince my mom to buy me the album. Initially I was disappointed because I thought the album would be the entire soundtrack, including the spoken parts and I would be able to visualize the movie in my head, but no, the album was only the songs, and not even the movie version, it was the original Mary Martin play version, which was almost identical, so I put my disappointment aside and rolled with it. Long story short, I played and played and played the album, memorized every single word, and have walked around singing the songs both out loud and in my head for the last 4 1/2 decades until last night. Holy heck, last night it was on television. They were dragging it out for 4 hours because ..commercials, and I had already missed the first hour, but I was ready to sing, so I made the husband listen to me sing for an hour and everything was great. Then we switched over to the series I normally watch for an hour and then back to TSOM, just in time for the song that Maria and The Captain sing to each other right after they admit they're in love and deliriously happy to be able to admit it to each other and holy hell. "Somewhere in my youth or childhood I must have done something good." Guys, they sing about being rewarded with their fantasy love interests because they've been good people all along. AS IF LIFE WAS FAIR!! But, I ram my head against that Life Is Not Fair wall ALL THE FRIGGING TIME, because it is not fair, but I am stuck in the head of an eight year old who believes that if I do something good then life will reward me, and while I consciously know that is not how life works, I still kind of expect it to work that way and now I totally blame Julie Andrews and Christopher Plummer. 

Now I see this movie which I had thought was just a harmless movie about a carefree spirited young woman falling in love with a family that needed saving through song and living happily ever after (with super beautiful scenery) once they sing their way away from Nazis and across the Austrian border while smiling and singing is actually this self loathing woman, who does not know her value and the whole movie is basically an exercise in catholic misogyny. (according to the friend I shared my horror with) 

I had to look away. I could not finish enjoying the last hour because I felt thoroughly betrayed. Except, I still have the lyrics to every single song in my head and I never even want to think about that movie again. crushed. I am crushed.

Trying to be nice

So. I got a text from the people who do blood drives that there is a shortage and feeling particularly benevolent I signed up to donate.

Since an appointment was required for donating I figured people would be in and out efficiently. Nay nay. I showed up 5 minutes before my scheduled appointment and here I sit, 25 minutes later, waiting to be interrogated and iron tested to even see if I am able to donate. There are two people before me in the interrogation line and another 2 who have already been processed and are waiting for a table (they call it a bed, but ….. not a bed) on which to lie for this own blood donation.

Normally I’d be relaxing and solving some sudoko or something but …… during a Fucking pandemic there is jo excuse for this ESPECIALLY since weak skinny people who get all FAINT after losing a pint are sitting around eating and drinking with their masks off. It’s freaking 54 degrees outside. Why are people unmasked indoors? There is not a chance in hell I’m taking my mask off once I’ve been vampired. They can not make me. I can’t eat any of the prepackaged junk food they’re offering anyway. I’ll just grab a water bottle and leave.

Everything about this seems irresponsible from the “take no chances” seat I am sitting in. If I get covid after this I am blaming the organization.