clickmom

The text I sent out today because I was too upset to talk about it.

better living

Through chemistry! Pharmaceuticals, to be more specific. I told my shrink that I saw a TT video that resonated with me. A woman discussed if she was relaxing or shutting down, and I had a light bulb moment. You guys, I do not relax. I shut down- I go deep within my own thoughts and I am happy and safe and content in there. Most of the time I am staring at my phone while shutting down, what a great tool for facilitating a shut down! It's almost (wink wink) as if it was created by capitalists to induce a stupor where one might be more open to marketing suggestions than they would in an alert state. Almost, like if you wanted to view the world in that way. I mean, have you ever listened to the hypnotic soundtrack of a video game? Good lord. Try not to make it so obvious!! 

So, anyways, I totally thought that recognition was going to lead to a discussion of my childhood tendency to completely disassociate but NO! It led to him convincing me to try ADD medication, or as we used to call it back in the day, speed. Now normally I am on the fence, but more on the NO side of the fence, about dipping my toes into the addictive medicine category, but once I broke down and tried antidepressants last summer, I guess that was my gateway drug. And HELLO!! I was kind of hesitant because I didn't want to be a different person, I mean, I am pretty happy with who I am, warts and all, so I am not wanting to be someone different, and I was thrilled to discover that I am not a different person, taking the miniature dose I am taking, I am a more productive person and this is a really good thing. Also, some of the things that seemed crushingly overwhelming before my foray into the world of prescription drugs don't seem so insurmountable now. I'm not even going to list all of the stupid things, so just know that before I got the prescription I could not see any counter space in my kitchen. To prepare food I had to balance a cutting board on the outer edge of the kitchen sink. Now I have counter space again. I even have options!

Also, I've been super productive in printing my book about summer solstice 2020. I've got 40.76% of the photos printed as of tonight. I had to push very hard today because tomorrow I am dropping Josh off at college. My heart is in my throat. I am so afraid of freaking covid. It's tough to know all 3 of my babies are out there not protecting themselves as hard as I would be protecting them. I hate everyone. I hate everyone who thinks this is over. I hate everyone who didn't take it seriously all along and contributed to these variants, which may or may not be covered by the vaccines. I am just so angry and annoyed by all of it.

But I can take a pill and get shit done these days, so maybe I will take a pill and channel that anger towards clean toilets and scrubbed floors because OH MY I can not believe between me dropping food stuff while cooking and preparing meals and sweet pea with her never ending shedding my floors are DISGUSTING. Good thing I bought a steam mop. I'm going to bust that out between printing sessions.

 

 

So happy I’m a grown up

I’ve never been so happy to be old as I was the moment I woke up and realized I was old and not a girl in high school

Last night I dreamed that I was a high school age girl. Me and my two girlfriends were planning on how to seduce the completely disgusting pervert school janitor. We were going to stay after school with the excuse of doing an art project. Our parents, rightfully, didn’t trust us and they kept stopping by to check on us and I had to figure out strategies for the event. We needed a perfectly located classroom, some art to make us seem legit and a guard and warning system to alert the single girl at a time who was doing nasty things to/with the janitor.

Who am I?

I am worthy

If you’re me and you talk to people about that mushroom documentary and you tell them how you want to get in on it because of that woman’s response -worthy and loved- you will find out how much people actually care about you.

It’s been kind of great.

Also, I can’t even imagine walking around and feeling deep in your core that you’re loved and worthy and I want a piece of that.

The first who lavished love on me was a stepford friend who currently resides in Boston. That was nice, but not a surprise.

The second was my ex. I sent a text because Josh said something funny about him and he called me in response. We talked for two hours! That is another post. At the end of our conversation we talked about that mushroom documentary and I mentioned the worthy and loved thing. Guys, I didn’t realize how tragic it was to feel this way. I guess I thought everyone felt this way. After we hung up he called me right back to tell me that I’m worthy and that he will always love me.

And then this morning I told the dog park friend, who encouraged me to watch the documentary in the first place, and she started telling me that she had just told her therapist how much she values and loves me and what a good friend I am.

I’m so touched.

Mushrooms

Holy shit. I just watched that mushroom documentary on N€tfl!x. First let me preface this by saying I have really wanted to try hallucinogenics ever since I saw that documentary show American life with Lisa Ling.

So someone, it was during the cancer patient study, I think it was the guy who had terminal prostate cancer talked about when you do this you go into this experiment with intent and you have to know what you want from it and I asked myself what would what would I want..... like what’s my ultimate goal.

And I thought on the surface it shows up as eating healthy food and becoming physically healthy but what is it deep down inside?? And I realize that it really really boils down to... in the most basic primal core of my being... this place where I don’t feel WORTHY and that comes from my childhood. And I definitely don’t feel LOVED. I mean, childhood plus the husband is a total zero, I just can’t even believe I’m here. Forget about the L word. Never. Used to be only if i said it first and RARELY and today I couldn’t even tell you the last time I heard it. Which, as the person who is always cleaning is bodily fluids (and solids) off of freaking everything I think I deserve something nice, an oral acknowledgement. I get nothing.

And then there’s my kid who is barely talking to me. I’m so profoundly hurt I don’t even think there are words for that. It’s breaking me. Broken. I (not exaggerating) have to fight back the tears, mostly unsuccessfully, every time my mind goes there. Evan and Josh are great, Evan is especially vocally sweet, nope I gotta say, Josh is too, I think they’re both trying to pick up the slack but that is all negated by the cold shoulder from Marion. Shit. Now I’m crying.

Back to the documentary.... So then, right as I was thinking this, in the documentary they ask the woman who is dying of kidney cancer what the experience did for her and she said exactly IN THE SAME WORDS THAT I HAD JUST THOUGHT TO MYSELF what I was thinking. Worthy and Loved and more.

Now I am determined to get into a research study.

Also, that experience of the researcher who took a whole bag of mushrooms and ended up clinging to the tree he had climbed during a huge lightning storm, where he told himself over and over that he wasn’t going to stutter anymore sounds a lot like my own personal “breakthrough” when I was dealing with the aftermath of having a molester pedophile biological “father” minus the bad weather and being up a tree.

I need to be a part of this.

wrong side of the fence

I really wanted to share a charming story about sweet pea getting stuck in this enclosed area where the weeds were so tall that she couldn't find her way out partly because I suspect she was a bit disoriented by not being able to see and partly because she couldn't easily weave around the tall weed stalks.

My peaceful afternoon stroll with sweet pea turned into quite the event. She went through a hole in the fence and got stuck in the 5 foot tall grasses behind The Middle School. Luckily she was near the fence so I could see her. I pulled out my phone and called Josh to bring me a shovel because I was going to dig her a passage out under the fence. When Josh showed up, I took the shovel from him and began to frantically dig. Then Josh suggested I might never get there, it was seriously rocky soil, there was a lot of shovel on rock clanging, and should call someone for help I called the knight in shining armor who lives across the street from me. In the mean time I decided to continue digging under the fence because while appearing calm on the outside I was actually freaking out on the inside. Digging would be a great substitute for screaming. It didn't help that sweet pea tried to grab the chain link fence with her mouth and tear through it a few times. I was praying she didn't break any teeth.

I dug and dug until Josh spotted three maintenance guys from the school watching us through the window.(Busted) They opened a window and we told them what was going on. They asked if we called the police. I said NO!!. (Police? Seriously?) They asked if we called anyone. I said "I called my neighbor!" Then I realized you'd kind of have to know this guy to understand why calling my neighbor would be the best choice and fastest way to get the problem solved. One of the maintenance guys totally had the "I don't do dogs" vibe. He asked if sweet pea bit people. I said Never! She is as sweet as can be. They said they had to get tools and would be right down. Josh told me I better stop digging. 

Then I turned to the side and saw my neighbor, the one who saves me all of the time, like when I manage to get myself pinned to the ground under the pine tree that fell next to my driveway or when I drove the new tractor lawn mower on top of a tree stump and couldn't get it off,  crested over the hill on his all terrain quad thing to save the day. It was very theatrical. The wind was blowing his hair back and the wide spread handle bars of the quad thing made him look like he was riding on a manly motorcycle.

Then the 2 maintenance guys who weren't afraid of dogs popped up with ladders. And they all worked together to save my best girl. The neighbor climbed up onto his quad thing and hopped right over the fence, one maintenance guy stood on the quad thing to receive sweet pea, and he handed her off to the other guy on the ground. Sweet pea was so happy to be on the right side of the fence that she ran around in happy circles.  Then they all just disappeared, like super heroes always do, and I shoveled the dirt back into the little hole I had managed to dig and we walked Josh back to the car and sweet pea and I finished our walk.

The next day I went to the liquor store and bought each man a thank you bottle of something. When I went to the neighbor's house to deliver the thank you bottle of something his wife told me he was off helping out some other damsel in distress. I felt better knowing I'm not the only one.

 

Warning: I'm going to tell a nasty story now. You might want to look away. So, the other night I am in the kitchen doing dishes and the husband is in the family room. I need to use the bathroom and am trying to finish up the dishes first because once I stop it might not get done, and no one but me is going to do it (source of discontent) and I unintentionally let a little fart slip out. The husband, completely appalled, from his throne in the family room, manages to take his eyes off the screen, sit up from his reclining position, put the toxic diet soda back on the coffee table and yell with all the indignation of a princess who has been disturbed, something about me being gross. I stop doing dishes, grab the towel to dry my water logged hands, walk into the family room to confront his highness and tell him that in the matter of being gross HE WINS hands down and I have the courtesy to not point out to him how utterly repulsive he is and now all bets off. I declare that I am not holding back. He will know when he has disgusted me. Prepare yourself, I say.

The very next day we are both in the family room and he turns to speak to me while chewing cashews and tries to simultaneously speak and eat nuts. Nut crumbs are spewing out of his mouth as he open mouth chews in my direction and since now we are pointing out each others flaws I stare back at him and imitate him chewing like a rabid chipmunk and he gets so angry he turns red. I tell him again that if he can be appalled by me farting in the next room while doing the dishes that everything is fair game.  He whines back "It's hard to chew with my mouth closed when you're yelling at me!!" Guys. He never chews with his mouth closed, ever. Also, I wasn't yelling, as a matter of fact, I never even spoke in a tone anything other than neutral the entire time.

The next day, as I was helping him out of the car to go to physical therapy I told him he should untuck his shirt so the splatter of shit stains on his shorts don't show. Yup. Old man had some nasty shorts on. I am done with looking the other way and being polite. If he wants to play the WHO IS MORE DISGUSTING game, then he better buckle up.

Yesterday, I had to take him to the eye doctor. When we left he told me that he needs to remember to brush his teeth before he is going to wear a mask because his breath smells so bad. He told me... How disgusting he is. I told him I keep mints in the car for when his breath is foul. (True!) I'm totally going to start backing up to the doorway and farting in his direction.