clickmom

The last few days rolled into one

 

So, it's been rough here the last couple of weeks. And as usual my response to things getting rough is to go into snail mode. I could stare at a wall for hours. Nothing has been getting done, So I copied some of the texts I sent to friends and family the past few days and will present them here in am embellished form. Not because I want to remember this past week but because I feel like I would be less authentic if I didn't put it out there.

Text one:

Listen I had the worst day. I just got home from leaving the husband in the emergency room. His doctor has been calling because Husband actually seemed to get worse after the antibiotics (He was being treated for pneumonia in his lower left lobe, the original x-rays were taken on April 28th, surely a result of aspiration as it set in almost immediately after his worst choking episode ever) and  the doctor wanted me to take him to the emergency room and they did a chest x-ray and there’s something in both lungs now so they immediately gave him a bag of antibiotics but they’re thinking maybe it’s pneumonia maybe it’s heart failure maybe his kidneys are finally giving out and they’re keeping him there. They are gonna run more tests definitely a whatever the ultrasound of the heart is called (echocardiogram) and then an intern called me and asked me basically if husband’s heart stops if I want them to start it up again and I said "Well, yeah, like if you can start it back up in a minute start it back up but like don’t work on him for 20 minutes and bring him back so that he’s brain dead" which you’re not allowed to say because it’s really a yes or no a question and not a judgment call so I had to say NO and now I feel guilty even though I know that Husband from 10 years ago would completely agree and maybe even not want to be around in the current state he is. I don't even know how many times the pre-dementia husband told me that our culture had to learn to let go and that we keep people alive too long and that the financial hit to our system wasn't worth that last year of life. I wish Husband from today would say the same thing. I still feel guilty because I know that he’s a little afraid of dying.

 

Text two:

I’m in zero Mode. Just sitting here staring at the phone. Everything feels insurmountable

So they gave Husband a swallow test this morning. But it appears that he is swallowing fine the only thing that she could see that might be causing the choking is that he is uncoordinated in his chewing and swallowing which would be a neurological problem and I said “bingo he has neurological problems” and (I have noticed a general lack of coordination in other areas as well) so that’s why he keeps choking. It is because his tongue is doing something strange and she also noticed that he was putting more food into his mouth without swallowing causing the food that was already in his mouth to kind of back up towards his throat so I can just stand over him and yell SWALLOW  before he lifts the next bite towards his face. This is going to be so fun. NOT.

 

Text three:

I’m in hospital right now. He is in annoyingly good spirits. Makes it seem like he isn’t dying. Kidneys aren’t functioning well. Still has fluid on the lungs. Seems to have developed high blood pressure and low blood sugar. It’s all very strange. Luckily I got to talk with the doctor and see the original cardiologist he had before he needed the heart failure specialist. They did an echo on him. His heart is pumping at 20-25%. Thats not enough.

They’re going to keep him another day or two to make sure he is stable. I suggested they keep him as long as possible since he is such a bag of conflicting diagnoses. I told the doctor I’m afraid to be responsible for him. This is way over my mother abilities. I can do stomach bugs, broken bones and even high fevers. But his stuff is beyond.

He is not in pain. Though tragically confused because he just can't wrap his head around being as sick as he is. Though I did talk to him about making peace with Marion (who told me she didn't feel the need to see him one more time-but I didn't mention that to him). I just want him to say the right words to her so at least she has that if he should die very soon.

Text four:

I don't think he is at hospice stage. Well, maybe he is technically but not psychologically. And he would never go peacefully to a hospice when he knows I'll wait on him hand and foot and give him what ever he wants here. The sad thing is that the only thing that would help him is a heart/kidney transplant but that wouldn't help all the other parts of him that are in trouble. Like his brain. Or the fact that he has no nerve activity anywhere in his body.

rough night at the wall

Rough night in front of the trail camera.

First, I go out to fetch the trail cam, (also, to let sweet pea out for her first bathroom break of the day) and what do I discover right in front of the wall? A dead mouse! Is it wall mouse? I have no idea! But it is definitely dead and all I know is that I need to get the trail camera inside and see what went down last night. I try to stay calm as I slide the memory card into the card reader, thinking I might witness the murder of one of trail camera stars in the making and then the opossum shows up with one eye swollen shut, and now I'm freaking out there is some sort of eye destroying bacteria in my yard, since there is also a deer with a dead eye wandering around. The opossum did discover the food black that I put out for the deer because the wildlife rehab guy tried to tell me that the deer were molting and probably had nutrient deficiencies since its the end of winter when clearly they have mange because when a deer molts you can't see its skin!!! Now I am worried that the mange is going to be spread on that food block. Oh lord, I don't want to harm these animals! 

Damn my long unmowed grass, I can't see too much mouse activity. I can't tell if wall mouse is sneaking around down there or not. I did drop some sunflower seeds last night. So I might be an unintentional accomplice to murder. At 1:03:24 I can see mom fox hopping over the fence in the background, then at 1:03:30, a mere 6 seconds later her head appears on the edge of the screen with something in her mouth. Did she just scoop up wall mouse at that very moment or did she pass through with a capture from somewhere else? I guess I might be able to tell by watching the wall activity that happens or doesn't happen moving forward. But, I'll show you the image. I think she may have just scooped up wall mouse at that very moment because of how mouse's tail is flipped up over mom fox's nose. Looks like an action shot to me.

But then, mom fox leaves the dead mouse in the grass in front of the wall because I had left an egg out for them! I've been leaving an egg out there daily in hopes of getting them to visit daily so I can be reliable with the mange medication. I feel like every nice thing I do might have a negative consequence, except, I don't know why they've all got mange, and I don't know why their eyes are swelling shut and I definitely don't even know if I got wall mouse or one of the possibly hundreds of other mice that could be running around out there killed, so am I contributing or just witnessing what would have gone on normally? I'll never know.

Dad fox showed up and didn't take the mouse. Why not? Would a fox kill a mouse and then not consume it? Could it have been hunting for sport? That time I moved a dead robin from my driveway to the wall it took the fox family two or three days to claim it. Maybe meat doesn't have to be fresh? I don't know these things and I am afraid to look because of what else I might find out. I'll leave the mouse out there, maybe I will have to move it if I mow the grass. I'll leave it on the wall and then it will be visible to the hawks.

These poor critters, though! I want to hire a vet to set up a stroll by station each night and treat these babies until they're fine. I want to watch them live, not slowly suffer and die. I'm crying.

I used to box

So, I am walking through the woods yesterday with sweet pea, naturally, and I hear barking dogs approaching. It turns out to be a little tough wise guy looking man with two border collies. So, I figure I should let him overtake and pass me while we were standing in an area where I could easily step off the trail and pretend to be noticing something, (I had my camera on my hand, so that is my excuse) As the guy got closer he commanded one of his dogs to heel, but he used a two word command ("by side" maybe?)  which gave me the impression he was the type of guy who gets his dog trained by sending them off to military boot camp for dogs. It just reminded me of the guy from the lake who only gets shepherds which have been police trained. (Oy vey)  Anyways, sweet pea was just standing in the middle of the path watching curiously, wagging her tail and waiting for the whole crew to get to her. The guy says "I'm going to walk around her and leave some space because my dog doesn't like it when anyone gets too close to me" and what I think is Jeeeezus Mutha freaking god! Are you freaking serious? You bring that kind of dog into an off leash dog park? What the FFF is wrong with you! BUT what I say is "Oh, she is protective of you? That is a good thing." and this douche bag of a human being turns to me and says, with all of the scorn and disdain a nasty garbage human could muster 

"Yeah, if I was a girl."

Folks

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i

can

NOT

with

the 

fragile

male 

ego

any more.

Anyways, I felt slightly threatened so I laughed and said I wasn't worried because I used to box (hahaha for exercise at the posh gym!!) and then I just looked at him with a big fake smile on my face, he turned and walked away and as soon as he got far enough to be far enough away that I figured he wouldn't return I looked down at sweet pea and said, kind of on the loud side,  "What a Man-Cuhnt!"  I really hope he heard that. Today I found out his name is Guy, pretty much everyone hates him, and his dog has attacked other dogs and then he hides for a while so the victim's owners can't find him to pay for the vet bills. How much do you wanna bet on which way he votes?