What a difference a year makes.
New Year's Eve 2020 I spent in the surgical waiting room while they fixed the husband's blocked bile ducts. News Year's eve 2021 I mostly hung out alone in my own house because the husband took to his bed super early, around 4, and wouldn't get up for dinner. Josh spent a few minutes with me here and there but he isn't interested in hanging out with me. To be honest with you guys, I thought I was great company and in the future would totally choose to hang out with myself again. I put no demands on me, I agree with everything I say, and I am generally pleasant. Also, I don't chew with my mouth open or even burp very often and that is greatly appreciated.
I'm going to start keeping track of what I eat. It isn't necessarily a resolution because I don't make those and taking control of my health (and therefore weight) is something that weighs (no pun intended) on me all of the time, but right now I just happen to be gearing up for accountability and it is January.
I was thinking about my old friend Cliff's friend, Bettina. One of the first (or possibly even the first) times I met her we were on our way to Coney Island for the day. Cliff whispered to me to keep my eye on her because the sand was magically attracted to her. We ended up laying out our blankets and lying in the sun and after a while we all sat up to talk and Bettina looked as if she had been dipped in glue and rolled in the sand. The crazy part was that she had been lying between me and Cliff and we weren't covered in sand. It gave me a great excuse to really look at her, and I so wanted to look at her because she had this magic about her because she was the most comfortable in her own skin person I had ever met. And it was the sexiest thing I had ever been around. I want to be that comfortable for real, not faking it until I make it, but actually completely no longer burdened by my own uncomfortableness in my own physical self. I don't think I am asking too much.
I felt exactly nothing this New Year's eve, and I think I am saving all the renewal, make it better, hopeful for the future type feelings for January 20th. I hope 45 rots in prison until his last breath before going straight to hell. I don't actually believe in hell, but I do hope it is real for certain people.
Comments