clickmom

vertigo: 1 week 6 days

It is still pretty bad when I roll over in bed. It is also kind of bad when I look at the computer screen, or at anything right in front of my face. (taking care a few warts on Josh's feet right now. Room sways like anything when I focus on them) I can't turn around quickly and have to very deliberately slowly look to both sides when driving. But I do feel less awful than I did last week. 

And that is thanks to my old pal, adrenaline. You see, someone (cough cough husband) fell flat on his face in the hallway, knocked himself unconscious, split open his eyebrow, and the bridge of his nose, was slurring and then freaking me out by talking in tongues. Very confused when not babbling and asking, What happened? and Where am I? on a loop over and over. Once the ambulance pulled away about 45 minutes after the fall, I turned to Josh and said I have never felt more awake in my life.  I knew that was thanks to my friend adrenaline, but I was okay with it since I would not, at almost 1 in the morning have to spend the next few hours staring at my phone and waiting for it to ring with ER doctors calling to find out what happened.

They totally thought this might be a case of elder abuse. They catalogued every single bruise, scratch and scar on his body. I saw it in the discharge papers. I'm thinking that maybe thats why they weren't as nice to me as I think one should be.  They could be covid burnt out too. I know I would be a ball of raw irritated nerves if I was working in health care the last year.

Anyways, I spoke to my shrink and he said that when the body experiences trauma (watching the hubs speaking in ancient dialects while lying flat on the floor, bleeding from two places on his head, thinking he had a stroke too) not only does the adrenaline flow but the immune system also kicks it into high gear. So, that's why once the initial shock of the fall wore off I was still feeling not as craptastic from the vertigo, just mildly craptastic, and never back slid back into the entirely shittier way that I had been feeling until the moment I heard his head slam against the hardwood floor. I'd like to take a moment to thank my immune system for the lovely boost in activity in squashing this internal ear inflaming virus, and may I suggest we have another go at it? I was trying to think of another way to simulate the experience of terror, one that did not involve anyone gettingurt, (obviously) and have concluded that only way to get close to that state would be to watch the most frightening scary movie ever, in the dark. No one (and by no one I mean Josh and the hubs-because pandemic! We are alone here) wants to be my companion for this even. I'll have to do it alone in my bed at night. Maybe tonight if I can't sleep I'll find something to watch. 

Appreciation

I am somewhat ashamed to say that in the first half decade of my life I didn’t appreciate how deliriously wonderful it was to not be dizzy or nauseated.

I’m one week in on this.

Doc said symptoms should be fading over 6-8 weeks which means 5-8 more. I want to cry. I don’t even have the energy to pitch a proper fit, lying on the floor banging my fists and kicking my feet. I just want to melt into the bed and reanimate myself when this is over.

Also, I’m craving pickles like you wouldn’t believe.

Let’s talk vertigo

Oh. My. God.

First I thought I was dying because two times while I was sleeping I was aware of the spiraling feeling. I thought “I don’t recall anyone describing this in their near death experience. Well, I guess I’m really dying” I was very accepting of my fate. Then the third time it came upon me just as I was waking up. Luckily my little plastic tissue trash can that I keep next to the bed was empty because I had to grab it and puke while I was rushing to the bathroom.

Also, thank god I figured out the freaking corn was the problem that was causing me all that foot/ankle and everything else pain because I could not have hustled to the bathroom if I had woken up stiff and painful after a day of Frosted Flakes and a night of polenta.

To make a long story short, there was spinning, there was puking/dry heaving and I haven’t been outside my bedroom for two days. Today the spinning stopped and was replaced with more of a rocking sea sickness. I managed to keep some food down this evening. I knew I was feeling better when all the food commercials went from nauseating me to making me salivate. I had to decide which food we had in the house would be least offensive should I move too fast and have another puking session. Since I ate that plain rice with two bites of left over salmon 6 hours ago I’m thinking I’m good. Whew

Although, Sunday morning I did puke up refried beans from the night before. Not the worst food to upchuck, btw, very smooth. They weren’t the spicy kind, thank goodness.

I’m hoping that tomorrow I end up feeling as much better as I felt from yesterday to today. But listen, if anyone tells you they suffer from vertigo be very sympathetic. It’s really horrible.

Also, incredibly weird to be in my room for two days in a row. Josh brings me tea, and anything else I ask for. But I haven’t seen the husband for two days. He fell yesterday and Josh took care of him. I hate making Josh responsible for his father. But I am so incredibly thankful that he is here for me right now.

This got me thinking about how when the day comes that I have to live alone I will have to make sure I have backup in case of emergencies, like the last two days.

granny lib

Interesting conversation with my step ford friends this morning about how to deal with folks who have radically different political views as you do. Luckily my step ford friends and I are all aligned, and even the one who (choke) thought that Sarah Palin was fantastic (barf) has come around to the enlightened side. 

My stance is that this entire administration is a fundamental morality/ethics issue and that even though we suspect that many of his followers have been effectively brainwashed they're still liable for their actions and their speech. I can tell you with absolute certainty that I am never engaging meaningfully with a trump supporter for the rest of my life. Never. I will insist on being in a democratic nursing home one day. 

 

wahoo 2021

What a difference a year makes.

New Year's Eve 2020 I spent in the surgical waiting room while they fixed the husband's blocked bile ducts.  News Year's eve 2021 I mostly hung out alone in my own house because the husband took to his bed super early, around 4, and wouldn't get up for dinner. Josh spent a few minutes with me here and there but he isn't interested in hanging out with me.  To be honest with you guys, I thought I was great company and in the future would totally choose to hang out with myself again. I put no demands on me, I agree with everything I say, and I am generally pleasant.  Also, I don't chew with my mouth open or even burp very often and that is greatly appreciated. 

I'm going to start keeping track of what I eat. It isn't necessarily a resolution because I don't make those and taking control of my health (and therefore weight) is something that weighs (no pun intended) on me all of the time, but right now I just happen to be gearing up for accountability and it is January. 

I was thinking about my old friend Cliff's friend, Bettina. One of the first (or possibly even the first) times I met her we were on our way to Coney Island for the day. Cliff whispered to me to keep my eye on her because the sand was magically attracted to her. We ended up laying out our blankets and lying in the sun and after a while we all sat up to talk and Bettina looked as if she had been dipped in glue and rolled in the sand. The crazy part was that she had been lying between me and Cliff and we weren't covered in sand. It gave me a great excuse to really look at her, and I so wanted to look at her because she had this magic about her because she was the most comfortable in her own skin person I had ever met. And it was the sexiest thing I had ever been around. I want to be that comfortable for real, not faking it until I make it, but actually completely no longer burdened by my own uncomfortableness in my own physical self. I don't think I am asking too much. 

I felt exactly nothing this New Year's eve, and I think I am saving all the renewal, make it better, hopeful for the future type feelings for January 20th. I hope 45 rots in prison until his last breath before going straight to hell. I don't actually believe in hell, but I do hope it is real for certain people.