clickmom

If I don't write a post down as soon as I think about it I forget what I was going to say

I don't even know if I ever wrote about this but... in 2015 on the day before February vacation I was at Josh's school to pick him up and got out of the car with sweet pea because I liked to let the kids pet her. She was still a baby and I wanted her to interact with as many people as possible. They hadn't sanded the gravel parking lot, and it was a thick sheet of ice so I carefully made my way beck to the car, got sweet pea into the back seat and then managed to slip from my feet completely sliding out from beneath me when I grabbed my own door to open it. I fell flat on my back, smacking my head against the ice and ended up with a huge concussion, I was nauseated for weeks, I had to cover my left eye when looking at the computer monitor, and for months afterwards my left eye wouldn't track correctly I could actually feel it not moving smoothly if I looked from left to right, I could feel it moving in short bursts instead of gliding. Reading became near impossible. Then I mentioned it to the stepford chiro and he fixed it. It was fixed for a couple of months until I tried to look out the window of a moving train and that messed it up again. He fixed it a second time. Anyways, the whole point in telling you this is that ever since (and that was 6 1/2 years ago) I feel like my relationship with my eyes has not been the same especially when it comes to reading. For some strange reason, I just don't enjoy reading the way I used to. Maybe I need to force myself to read something completely enjoyable. I don't know. My eye works fine now. I think the issue might be psychological.

Sometimes I wish my computer would auto finish words for me the way the phone does. It definitely makes spelling easier. I'm a great speller, but you know how it every once in a while, I'm just not sure. Today I had to dictate a text, which I often do just for ease and speed, but today I did it because I couldn't recall how to spell Hare Krishna. I thought maybe it was one of those trick spellings. I mean, how often does a girl type that one? Not too often. 

Anyways, I want to admit how comforting it was this summer to have my tiny little container garden going. I would like to always have a modest manageable garden. I could go a bit larger, but not too much. I am reluctant to commit to more responsibility that I already have in this world. I figure once I land wherever I am going to land next I will figure that one out. Hopefully I'll end up somewhere without groundhogs. Speaking of landing somewhere next.... 

I thought for a hard second that I might consider New Hampshire even though I have a habit of saying I would never move anywhere colder than here. I really hate the winter. I hate it a lot  See paragraph one for one of the many reasons why I hate winter. I took New Hampshire into consideration because they are a good state to live in for the low tax rate. But they just had a huge 45 anti-mask rally and I am morally repulsed by that. Why are all the good tax states so damned red? I hate it. One thing I would really really like to have in my next place of living is a nice view. Water and mountains would be ideal. I don't need a whole lake, a pond would be fine. Lord knows I don't want to grow old listening to the sounds of jet skis and obnoxious boats. And mountains in the distance would also be totally dreamy. I just don't know. Part of me wants to scurry back to NYC where people are politically sane, and the other part of me wants to find a cozy cave in the middle of nowhere. I'd really like to know what my kids are planning for their futures (josh is excluded from this due to his young age) because if there are grand children involved I would like the opportunity to be a fantastic grandmother like my grandma was for me, and you can't be a fantastic grandma if you only see your grandkids a couple of times a year. I want to be involved.

This pandemic is wearing thin. I find myself hating, really hating, on people who aren't doing the things we need to do to stay covid free.  I also feel like their behavior is constantly being rubbed in my face. Everything from folks posting about their kids birthday parties, to some barbie doll bar tender advertising her skills for your next party, to school about to reopen despite the fact that there hasn't been a single school opening that didn't result in a rise in infection. And a rise in infection means a greater risk for me when I go to the grocery store or pharmacy which are the only places I have been aside from returning to the woods with sweet pea, and I am getting freaking sick of doing the lion's share of socially isolating when it feels like the rest of the world is out there being cavalier about the health of everyone else. Fuck those people. I hope they all get raging cases and become long haulers. Until the day I die I will judge people on their behavior during this pandemic. 

I will also judge people on who they voted for in 2016 and 2020. It would be so much easier to face each day between now and January 20th if I could only have a peek at the future and know for sure 45 is out, hopefully behind bars, and I never have to hear that pig of a man's voice again. If he does manage to get reelected, I will be beside myself to the tune of considering finding another country to live in. If only I was single and kidless! Damn these responsibilities. 

Evan came over the other day and we had some food in the backyard. He and Josh got into a heated discussion and I just sat back, grinning at them and loving every second of my kids going back and forth with each other. A million years ago, the husband used to do that with his father, so it's absolutely something they get from his side of the family, but you know how it is, a mom just wants her kids to have that tight bond and know that their siblings are the people in this world that have their backs and can relate to them. The sweetest moment came when Evan had to leave, (I think his girlfriend was waiting on him) and he and I walked around the house to his car, and suddenly Josh burst through the front door with his finger in the air saying And another thing.... My heart totally swelled up over that. 

puddles of tears

I don't know how people lived through wars. We are less than 4 years through this thoroughly corrupt and treasonous administration and I am ready to check out. How did my blood line manage to survive through the ages? I am a wimp. Im done. I can't take it anymore. I just need to stay on this planet long enough to cast to my vote.

Marion (Matt's new name) has broken me. I feel like I will never be whole again. Even if we manage to bandage up this relationship I will live every day until I die cradling these wounds. She has done me in with her silence. If her goal here was to hurt me she has succeeded. Even if she never gave a thought to hurting me with her actions, I am still forever damaged. My psyche has been crushed. Today is one of those days that I just can't seem to stop crying. I feel bad when I cry in front of Josh, but he came into the kitchen as I was doing dishes and sobbing. There was nowhere to hide. If I knew that being a mother would ultimately be as painful as it is I might have opted out. I could have had a fun kidless life. But, who knew?

I feel pretty stupid for thinking that if I only let my children know how much I love them and how much they were wanted that they would love me right back. I really thought that my lack of feelings for my mother stemmed solely from the fact that she didn't love me, and even told me that having kids was her biggest regret. But I guess that was just idiotically simple minded thinking, because here I sit, in a puddle of tears wondering why the kid who I love with every ounce of my being has turned on me.  

sorry kids

In new town, which is technically "my town" still, there has been a problem with folks stealing cars out of driveways at night. If the car thieves find an unlocked car and there are no keys in (beyond my comprehension, by the way, that people leave their car keys in the car. BEYOND) the car the thieves will settle for whatever other valuables that are in the car. Now, you should know, that as a city girl I would never leave my keys in the car. Never. That's idiocy as far as I am concerned. I also lock my car, even when thieves aren't snaking around my town, because a locked car is safer. I truly believe that there are hordes of dishonest people wandering around just waiting for an opportunity and I certainly don't want to offer them anything up for the taking.

My dear departed father in law had a saying "A locked door only keeps an honest person out." And he was also hilariously cheap. He would only ever pay less than $500 for a car, and as you can imagine a $500 car isn't long for this world, even back in the 90's when he was still with us, so you never had any idea what car he would drive up in. There were many cars. The only thing you would know for sure, is that he would pull up in a gigantic gas guzzling american sedan, the kind which is often referred to as a "boat" and it would be filled with various degrees of old newspapers depending on how long it had hung around for. Those cars were hilarious, like comic book hilarious.

Anyways, once the father in law went to visit the brother in law after he had had back surgery in Manhattan and when he came out of the hospital a few hours later- no car. Car was gone. Did I rub it in his face that his unlocked door allowed a criminal access to his worthless car? Probably for a second, but we had a big laugh over it. 

Anyways, back to what I came here to say, which has not much to do with the first three paragraphs, I just wanted to get that memory on paper in case one day in the future someone wants a tid bit about my FIL. I, every once in a blue moon don't see my black camera bag when I arrive back from the woods, maybe I'm distracted by something or maybe the interior of my car is also black, and my mind is already two steps ahead of me trying to figure out what I am trying to do next.. the reason doesn't matter. This morning I couldn't find my camera bag and I was 99% sure I had brought it into the house yesterday because I distinctly recalled shutting the car door, taking two steps away from the car, and then realizing my mistake. And the reason why I remembered it so well is because I did a happy dance when I grabbed my camera bag and it just seemed weird. This is what you should know, in the case of a house fire, my plan is to risk my life to grab my camera and computer hard drive (mostly the computer hard drive) because if I lost my work from the last 7 years I would be devastated. Utterly devastated. Like, the family photos can all go up in flames, but I need those tree and bird pictures to give my life meaning. And that's the cold hard truth.

Turns out I put the camera bag in a different place than usual and it was inside all along.

 

I need to work on my anger

Sorry about that last post. The photos were not sideways on my phone. I don't know why it did that. It was way too annoying to send photos from my phone so I am not going to fix them either. If one day someone really cares enough to read through all 3k+ posts I've got going on over here they will be able to rotate their screen, tilt their head, what ever. (edited: disregard, I fixed it) 

I am tired to the bone these days. I suspect I am not sleeping well despite that I am actually sleeping. I am not getting up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or anything. I am just physically tired. Very tired. The thought of everything makes me even more tired. The thought of moving makes me want to roll up into a ball, pull the covers over me and snooze hard. So, pretty much I have the energy for one big thing a day- which is naturally, my daily foray into the woods with sweet pea. Yesterday I had to go grocery shopping as well. I was beat, seriously beat by the end of the day. And now that the power and cable/internet are back on (5 days without power 8 without internet) its not as easy to call it night and head to bed at 9:30, like I was doing without the TV blaring at me from the corner. I realized in these first few days with tv back that there is a good chance that the tv blaring out noise at me is actually quite irritating. Because I am noticing that at the end of the evening I feel as if someone is trying to brush my skin with a wire brush that's been mauled by the kitchen sink food disposal or something akin to that. There is definitely a chance that is my reaction to the husband searching for a show which he would like to watch by clicking the remote up a single channel at a time, through all 400 of the actual channels we have, (as opposed to putting the guide on the screen and reading it while the one show you're already tuned into keeps playing in the corner) because if you know me, you know I hold back as long as possible before turning ten shades of purple and screaming OH MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? PUT THE FREAKING GUIDE ON AND STOP FREAKING TORTURING ME! IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY AND WE HAVE 400 CHANNELS!!! 

I need to work on my anger.

Also, I am going to order new hoses and masks for my sleep apnea machine thing. I hope that does the trick. It should come from the place where I've been renting the machine from, but I hate that place with the passion of a burning sun and I refuse to order new stuff from them. Also, its a total and complete insurance scam, so I don't want to support their crooked ways.

I'm really in mourning for this country and how incredibly brain washed a good chunk of our citizens have become. To be honest, I don't want to live here anymore. I'd like to pack up and try somewhere else for a while. This isn't working for me, in the least. It's a lot like being stuck in a loveless marriage. And I know about that. I really do. The other day when the husband refused to eat his vegetables (like a frigging child) I muttered I hate you as I took his plate from him. I didn't think he would hear, since his eyes were glued on the television. And to be honest, in that very moment I hated him with all the pent up resentment a woman can have after watching someone fail and fail again and again and never even try. He failed as a father, as a provider, as a husband, and even as a friend to me. He failed himself with the world's slowest diabetic suicide mission. And here I am, serving him food, washing his clothes, driving him to his appointments, making chit chat to be nice, and he can't even put a mouthful of fucking cabbage (sautéed with apples and caraway seeds BTW) in his mouth just to make me happy? Yeah, I hated him. Except, he who has no idea, no idea at all, looked up at me with a big smile across his face, as if he was absolutely adorable or something, and said, No you don't. I said You have no idea and I am not proud of that or anything, but man in that moment it was everything I could do not to turn that plate sideways, spill the cabbage on his lap and then smash him upside the head with the plate.

I need to work on my anger.

 

 

 

August 7

 

Sent from my iPhone

August 6

Sent from my iPhone

What I would have typed if I had WiFi

Sent from my iPhone