I started therapy again.
I did because this therapist came with a personal recommendation and get this: he specializes in trauma. Trauma? My constant companion? Uh..... Holy cow, I think about all of the time on the couch I could have saved if I had realized there were therapists who specialize in trauma. How did I not know? Or, maybe the question is how did I not know that a therapist who specialized in trauma was the most obvious thing I needed?
Anyways, this guy has a whole method worked out and it means that there is no option to ramble on and not actually address what needs to be addressed. Gulp. Scary. I had to take a moment the other day, after a session and really think about how difficult it is going to be for me to let go of all the behaviors that I have which serve a purpose, but aren't working for me in the present. Like shoving food in my mouth every time I have a feeling. How did I end up so uncomfortable with just having every day normal feelings? Oh, I know. I was told, as a child that I wasn't allowed to have any feelings. Duh. Yeah. When I was sad or upset I was called Sarah Bernhardt. My mother had the limp wrist on the forehead move down. Nothing like humiliating your kids! I definitely wasn't allowed to be angry. And I'd be wealthy if I could have a nickel for very time my mother told me that I had to take a backseat to my sister because I was ok and she wasn't. What?!?
I wish my kids knew how different I was from what I came from. I feel like I need a bit of validation in that area.
So, here I am , finally in what looks like the right position to really do some positive work on my childhood trauma and I am kind of, actually, quite, apprehensive about letting go of the crutches that have kept me going through all the muck I have crawled through. But, then I think, I shouldn't have to crawl through muck, now or in the past, and maybe if I really open myself up this process I can live a muck-less life! I mean, there are bound to be areas of filth here and there but maybe, if I can really use the tools this new therapist is offering I can pull on some boots and match through the filth and keep going, without letting it bring me to my knees. Or maybe the muck just gets less deep. Or you know, I am not kidding myself into thinking life doesn't have a curve ball here or there ready to throw at me, history shows me that life is full of curve balls, maybe, just maybe they don't have to hit me right in the gut and instead I can leap out of the way. I don't know. Something like that.
I am afraid of change even though this is a change I have stated I want and have gone through the motions of creating. Right now I am invested in making that change real and to be frank with you, I desperately want to cling to the the ways I am actively saying I want to let go. If I can't bury every feeling I have in food down my mouth then, what do I do with the feelings? I can't even imagine feeling the feelings. Acknowledging the feelings? What would happen if I acknowledge the feelings? Part of me thinks nothing and part of me thinks the world will end.
Breathe ......breathe ............breathe.
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