Ive been in this strange head space lately. Maybe its because we've been in lockdown mode for so long I have begun counting it by the moth instead of week. (3 months plus) Maybe because I've dulled down to this crazy nothing place. I don't even long to walk through the woods any more. Two friends did call me today during their solitary walks through the woods. I had a nice chat with one and then during the second chat my friend screamed twice and disconnected. I had no idea what happened. I thought maybe she fell down, or off this rock bridge into the water, but she called back and told me how a dog walker's dog attacked her dog. Totally bummed me out. I want to return to a safe place, not a place where sweet pea is in danger!
I've been working with a photographer who helps other photographers with their online presence (website, CV), portfolio and then with entering contests, applying for grants residencies, etc... Obviously, I will not be applying for any residencies any time soon! But she has given me some fantastic ideas about how to brush up the things I've already got and also some great guidance on an artist statement for the work I've been making during this pandemic. My birds! My branches! I want to go full steam ahead with her, but boy oh boy, am I avian to really push myself int hat department. I have no get up and no, no spunk. Part of me is wondering if maybe I did end up with the plague at some point and feeling this way is a by product of that because I don't feel like myself at all. Then I remind myself that I haven't lived through a plague before, so I have no idea how I'd feel when living through one.
I will tell you one thing thought, I really need to get the ball rolling on a pot card because I did some stretches while under the influence the other night and Oh My, it was the best most effective stretching I have ever experienced in my entire life. I feel like if I could do that regularly it would be life changing. Totally life changing.
If I had a crystal ball and knew that this nightmare of an administration would be over in January, along with a newly elected blue senate, I feel like my entire world would be more optimistic. But not knowing (people are crazy) is awful. I really want to lay down my map on this situation. I'd like to know two things, I'd like to know that and to be honest, I'd just like to know how long the husband has left not he earth. I mean, three years ago a hospital doctor told me that with the right medications he would have a year, possibly 2, so obviously that guy was wrong. I just want to be able to make a master plan and I do not want to start my life over with him in tow, that would be too hard and too complicated and to be honest, I'd like to go where I want to go without any regard for anyone but myself. I mean, it's been 55 years, and not a single person has ever made a decision where my needs came into play, and to be honest, I can count the times I have put my own foot down on one hand and still have spare fingers.
The first time was temporarily dropping out of school (I needed to have my first mid life crisis at the tender age of 18). The second time was going against my parent's desires and declaring myself a photography major. I'm not sure there are any more times. How pathetic.
When I used to spend money on psychics one used to get off on telling me about my past lives. I was a young boy who got his arm caught trying to race under the gate to the castle as it lowered. That injury would kill me. I was a painter in an Italian town that started with a V and was on the water but not Venice. I was a real ladies man and never settled down but was taken care of by some kind women in the town. I was a misunderstood deaf native american girl living on my property in utopia. A child I played with drowned and that child came back as Evan. I was a farmer's wife living in total isolation with my husband and a bunch of kids and very happy and fulfilled and satisfied. None of these lives sound all that great to me. I'd rather be a raucous whore with a great body who danced every day, screwed someone new every day and died singing on the bar. Or a revolutionary fighting for a cause. I dunno, anything not dull. So, I'd like to turn this existence around and create a new path where I find success doing the one thing I always wanted to do. That's why tomorrow when I wake up I am going to make a huge effort to change around all of the things that the woman I have hired asked me to change. She's on fire and I need some of that.
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